trusting ex lovers

[thetrickster]

Hi there

My gf has just started to see an ex lover as a friend but I'm struggling to believe it will remain JUST friends. They were intermitant lovers up until about a year and half ago when she and I met. He is married and has never been able to fulfil her needs because of that. They were apparently good friends for a number of years before becoming secret lovers.

My issue is this - I struggle to belief that the relationship is truly dead - they pick up, when she's single and he becomes dormant when she in a relationship. As for me, she and I recently had some time apart and he reappeared on the scene and now un the tag 'old friend'

Finally, they had to unhook because we all discovered I knew his wife - imagine the suprise!!

I struggle to accept they will remain JUST friends - even on just a hand holding, kissing basis...

Anyone got any thoughts?

[Wakeup]

I struggle to accept they will remain JUST friends - even on just a hand holding, kissing basis...

WTF? Who holds their platonic friends hand and kisses them?

Dude. Your gut is trying to tell you something. She is willing to aid and abet a cheater. She has no integrity.. your call. Be prepared for what happens and don't come back here and ask us if you should tell his wife once you find out she's still honking on his bobo.

[thetrickster]

what I meant was that I found it tricky to imagine them not slipping back to some form of physical comfort zone before long.

Is there any real evidence around what happens to a relationship once it becomes sexual - it must be difficult to pull back from that familiarity surely?

Honking on his hobo - nice touch :0)

[Wakeup]

I see no reason why they should be spending alone time together. I don't know of anyone who would be cool with their girlfriend hanging one-on-one with the guy she helped cheat on his wife with. I'm thinking she's still very much emotionally connected to him still. She only left him because he wouldn't leave his wife for her so she lack in integrity in general for even being with him when knowing he is married. Good lord I understand why you don't trust them together so suggest that she doesn't cross certain boundaries with him one particularily being that they only hang out together when either you or his wife will also be present... If she balks at that then she doesn't value you much as far as I'm concerned. This doesn' have anything to do with your insecurity or you being jealous either. Them being alone together is totally inappropriate IMO.

[sljohnst]

I understand her, as I have a similar man in my life. They probably have very strong physical chemistry, and obviously have a history. Seems to me like it's probably not dead, but not going anywhere either. If she is in control of when they "pick up", and you trust her, it's probably ok. I doubt she is lacking integrity, that kind of connection is very challenging to break, but she should decide one way or the other.
I would have a serious talk with her.

[thetrickster]

I appreciate the replies - thank u

Alone time is interesting - because they met recently at 9pm in the evening and I didn't get a reply from text until late night early am - is there too many pointers here?

Is there an issue around my conceding they have a relationship and I position myself as slightly sub? It feels quite sexually charged and I'm not sure whether this is natural as a defence for me??

[thetrickster]

Also, You say she has to make a choice - what is that choice?

[Wakeup]

Is there an issue around my conceding they have a relationship and I position myself as slightly sub? It feels quite sexually charged and I'm not sure whether this is natural as a defence for me??

What are you saying here? That you're willing to be in a poly or open relationship with her so that she has you and this man? If that's the case then why do you effing care if she is with this man.

Edited to re-word: Contrary to the opinion above and in my opinion: A sexually charged connection shouldn't be hard to get over if they actually quit purposely plugging it in to recharge. They just need to distanced themselves in order to rehab from the addiction.

Alone time is interesting - because they met recently at 9pm in the evening and I didn't get a reply from text until late night early am - is there too many pointers here?

Any possiblity that you're her distraction while she waits to have the opportunity to be with him? Why does she need to be alone with him?

[IndiReloaded]

You are right, trust your gut. People don't hold hands with exes, call it whatever you want but 'friends' is not what these two are.

[IndiReloaded]

Alone time is interesting - because they met recently at 9pm in the evening and I didn't get a reply from text until late night early am - is there too many pointers here?

Sorry, just saw this. In a word, yes. This is pointing to more than 'just friends'. This isn't a question of 'are they' but 'what do you want to do about it'?

[thetrickster]

Thanks everyone - good thoughts.

It feels like I need to confront her about her intentions and if he is just a friend, then put that friendship out in the open ie not discreet late evening alone.

I'm not sure about my partially sub and sexual responses to the situation and wonder if I should just suppress those thoughts regardless.

Do I think I'm the 'filler' relationship - possibly - I'll test within the discussion.

Is it common to feel distrust in any friendship between old lovers do u think ?

Cheers

[Wakeup]

Is it common to feel distrust in any friendship between old lovers do u think ?

If you took a gander around this or any other forum you'd know that being jealous of your partner hanging out alone, to the wee hours in the morning with a **** buddy is certainly common.

[devonbrown]

Dude, they aren't friends. They are lovers. She is the other woman in his marriage. If you are okay with being second fiddle (at best) to him and her, then keep dating her.

There is no reason for any discreet meetings, regardless of the time of day. If they are meeting secretly, then there is something up.