Major newly-discovered hygiene problem - what now?

[Tutored]

Hey guys, I met someone from another country about two years ago - after a brief in-person meeting, we developed a Skype friendship over the following six months. A widower, he is very sweet, kind, considerate, and helped me through some very difficult times in my life. Despite the distance, we fell in love...for a while I planned on spending the rest of my life with him (I am older than 35, have been in some good, solid romantic relationships in my life, and am a pretty good mate if I do say so). After just two very short visits (2 days each) the next 5 months, I managed my first long stay with him. Something came up that totally squashed all attraction I had for him: he did not shower, shave, or change his clothes for AT LEAST 4 days - possibly longer, because I don't know if he showered before he picked me up at the airport. Day after day, we visited friends, his clothes becoming visibly dirty, and he looked like a slob. I did not say anything to him, but made up excuses to not sleep with him because I couldn't stand the thought of him...I was actually ashamed to be with him on Day #4 as we accepted another social invitation - he looked like a homeless man. I'm back home now, and we talk every day (because he wants to), but I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him. Do I fade away (hurting him), or tell him about his hygiene, and definitely hurt his feelings? As guys, what would you want to hear?

[wifesharing]

which country is he from????

[Wakeup]

lmao... and yet another online relationship where the fantasy didn't live up to the reality.

I seriously have to ask why you wouldn't just tell him to bathe and change his clothing if he wanted you to accompany him to the social event?

[Vanity]

Gross! The solution is obvious, tell him if he wants to stay with you he needs to take better care of himself.

[Tutored]

A Scandinavian country that has absolutely no differences from us regarding bathing - if anything, they are cleaner than we are. Never, ever notice body odor with this country.

[Tutored]

Yes, you are right, but I was asking you gentlemen how to best do this? I don't want to crush this guy's heart - he's so sweet and I honestly don't think he realizes anything.

[Tutored]

Thanks for your reply, but I must correct you: this was NOT "another online relationship where the fantasy didn't live up to the reality"....we met, conversed for six months, I visited him twice for two short visits (two days each), conversed for another few months, and then I visited again. We met in person first - this was not an online relationship, but more of an online-enhanced relationship.

This "social event" is really people visiting people - going over to homes, then quick invited for a mealtime later - this is the true countryside, with very little planned events of anykind. Just people enjoying the midnight sun! :-) I didn't "tell him to bathe and change his clothing" because I've never run into this kind of man before, and I didn't know what to say without it sounding harsh. I've always been the kind of woman who prides herself on never nagging her man, telling him what to do, or otherwise try to make him into being something he is not. How do you suggest I tell him, if that's your advice?

[Horseyguy]

Seriously you have met him 3 times, you are just casual dating at this stage so if you don't like what you see just dump him it's not like you have any commitment to each other.

[Wakeup]

I would simply say: "Please bathe and change your clothes if we're going to go out." Period.

The way I see it: At this point he should be on his best behaviour and if this is him trying to impress you then what the hell will he be like once he gets comfortable with you? You didn't have a foundation with this man where you met him and seen enough of him to judge what he is REALLY like, so yes, it was an online and long distance relationship based on words rather than actul real live time together. Had you spend 4 days in a row in real life with him BEFORE involving one another online, you wouldn't have wasted all this time "enhancing" the relationship due of his lack of cleanliness.

I suggest that If you finished with him for good, that you tell him that you are so that he's clued in that you no longer want a relationship with him and he can move on to someone else (hopefully close to him) Just disappearing is cowardly and cruel. Anyone who has had it happen to them will tell you that.

[Tutored]

Thank you for some solid advice. I did spend time with him - two 48-hour spans, before we met again and I was able to spend a longer time. You are correct, and you gave me advice I can use. Thank you, I appreciate it.