Girlfriend's venting got out of control

[nexusman]

I've been with my girl for 1.5 years, she is 6 years younger (early 20s) than I am and living with her parents. I really love her and we seem to have a good and loving relationship. we've been through some long distance in the past half a year and it looks like its going to be at least another year of monthly visits with mutual thoughts of a possible move in together next year.
From my past relationships with women, I've learned that sometimes its better to step back and let it be her way, in order to avoid long and stressful fight or an argument. And it really does seem to work. We barely have any fights, and when she has one those PMS moments (or not) and starts to be mean and/or irrationally mad at me, in most cases I will just say that I'm sorry and take it as a man. Because its been on rare occasions and I know its normal for a woman to be like that due to stress or what so.
Lately, however, since she went back to University after a summer break, she became more angry and more emotionally unstable with things. School, work, me, everything. So finally, getting to the main story line here, she got some really bad news at school and unleashed the devil at me over chat and then over the phone. I did my best to be patient and supportive, but nothing seemed to work. She was mean and disrespectful, blaming me and our relationship for her problems, that I am not supportive and an ignorant jerk. So I just logged off and went to sleep and next morning, I wrote her an email saying that she went overboard, and should control it and respect me. She replied with more anger and blame and no evidence of any apology. So we stopped talking (been 3 days now)
The question is: am I being too nice? and is she getting a habit of emotional abuse and using me as a scapegoat? I feel like I need to make a point, a statement here. To set some boundaries, that she can't be like this, without hurting her. I understand that she might be a little too immature to understand some things but I can't wait for her to grow up. Should I wait it out? or give her some break? or just suck it up...

[searock]

Uh, you aren't being too nice. Quite the opposite - you have been ignoring her discomfort since the start, acting like she was crazy and on PMs every time she got mad at you for something. You think she doesn't notice? How would you feel if one of the most important persons in your life avoided any type of confrontation with you just because they thought you were somehow mentally unbalanced and therefore not to be taken seriously? She's clearly trying to get a reaction from you. I wonder how you even got to have such a low consideration of her, and why you are sticking around for so long if you consider her so immature and unbalanced. Being older than her does not make you superior.

[nexusman]

@ searock
Thanks for your input, but I never said that I act like she's crazy or mentally unbalanced. I always listen and try to comfort her and talk things out. I love and respect her and want to be treated with respect as well. I just don't think that taking it out on each other is in anyway a part of a normal relationship and I want her to understand it.

[searock]

From my past relationships with women, I've learned that sometimes its better to step back and let it be her way, in order to avoid long and stressful fight or an argument. And it really does seem to work. We barely have any fights, and when she has one those PMS moments (or not) and starts to be mean and/or irrationally mad at me, in most cases I will just say that I'm sorry and take it as a man. Because its been on rare occasions and I know its normal for a woman to be like that due to stress or what so.

Which translated means, when a woman gets the crazies - cause she undoubtedly will, she's a woman, - I better stay out of the way and agree with her no matter what. Useless to get into a fight with someone who can't control herself or her thoughts.

I did my best to be patient and supportive, but nothing seemed to work. She was mean and disrespectful, blaming me and our relationship for her problems, that I am not supportive and an ignorant jerk. So I just logged off and went to sleep and next morning, I wrote her an email saying that she went overboard, and should control it and respect me. She replied with more anger and blame and no evidence of any apology. So we stopped talking (been 3 days now)

Have you even considered the possibility that she isn't just venting on you, but she actually sees a problem in your relationship?! I sort of have a hunch that she knows exactly what the problem is, do you? Do you actually believe logging off in the middle of an argument is a rationally justifiable behavior? You probably thought something along the lines of, "she's in one of her moments now, so I'll just go to sleep and wait until she's sane again, then we can talk", am I wrong?

I understand that she might be a little too immature to understand some things but I can't wait for her to grow up.

Seriously. Jeez.

[Atnamas]

Uh, you aren't being too nice. Quite the opposite - you have been ignoring her discomfort since the start, acting like she was crazy and on PMs every time she got mad at you for something. You think she doesn't notice?

This.

My bf does the same thing. I hate it.

[bloodtippedrose]

If she says and insists that you are the root of all her problems then put her out of her misery and dump her. You can't force compatibility.

[JadenMia]

This.

My bf does the same thing. I hate it.

My ex did the same thing too, its like talking to a brick wall. She probably got sick of you ignoring the problems and not addressing them, just sweeping it under the rug as one of her 'episodes'. Seriously do you understand how frustrating it can be to try get something through to someone who wont listen? You do sound ignorant. Just like my ex.
Logging off while you were talking to her and ignoring her is probably the worst thing you could have done.

[bloodtippedrose]

Hey girls, you cant project what your ex's did on this guy. I dont know if he was like talking to a brick wall when it came to her venting emotions, or if he really did try to be supportive, but I do know that I get over-emotional and pms-ie and take it out on my bf sometimes, so Ill give him the benefit of doubt

[Atnamas]

Seriously do you understand how frustrating it can be to try get something through to someone who wont listen?

Or being dismissed like it's just her having one of her 'pms moods' again? Eventually she may turn to someone who will listen...

Logging off while you were talking to her and ignoring her is probably the worst thing you could have done.

Absolutely.

[searock]

Hey girls, you cant project what your ex's did on this guy. I dont know if he was like talking to a brick wall when it came to her venting emotions, or if he really did try to be supportive, but I do know that I get over-emotional and pms-ie and take it out on my bf sometimes, so Ill give him the benefit of doubt

Yeah but it seems that no matter what the reason of an argument may be, he will always no matter what blame it on the pm moment or whatever.

[...] blaming me and our relationship for her problems, that I am not supportive and an ignorant jerk. So I just logged off and went to sleep and next morning, I wrote her an email saying that she went overboard, and should control it

Doesn't seem to me like he's even remotely considering the possibility that what she's saying is what she actually thinks, and not some craziness episode or sh*t. He always seems to have this attitude, like it's not worth arguing with a woman cause if she's angry it just means she's on her pms. F*ck off! I hate ignorant jerks (yes, you are one, OP) who do that (and no, my ex didn't do it).

[JadenMia]

Hey girls, you cant project what your ex's did on this guy. I dont know if he was like talking to a brick wall when it came to her venting emotions, or if he really did try to be supportive, but I do know that I get over-emotional and pms-ie and take it out on my bf sometimes, so Ill give him the benefit of doubt

Lol True. I have had a rather stressful day and have been feeling angry over my ex, it obviously came out in this last post

But i do agree to some extent, we all have our episodes where we just go a lil crazy and take out our stress on our boyfriend. But really, as he has written it here, it doesnt seem like he addresses any of her problems. I hate been treated like a crazy person. Like i am not in control of my emotions or that they shouldnt be listened to because i am due on my period in a few days or whatever. Even if that is the case, she shouldnt be dismissed like that. Its not really fair and would only make a woman angry. Been there, done that.

OP, you should try talking to your girlfriend. Calmly tell her you are willing to listen to whatever she has to say and that you will help her in any way you can. As long as she does the same, explain to her what you dont like, as her way of trying to get through to you obviously isnt working.
All that needs to be done here is communication. Discuss things in a civilised manner and please do apologise for logging off and ignoring her. Leaving her to stew all night in anger. lol Good luck!

[bulrush]

- First, just because you are a man doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag. Listening to her vent is good, being a punching bag is not, when she starts to get verbally abusive.

- Yes, there may be something she is lacking in the relationship, and that's why she is mad at you. However, instead of yelling, she should really say what the problem is like an adult. Her tantrums make her seem immature, infantile.

- She may also be under a lot of stress at school, it's probably not all your fault.

So talk to her when she is rational. You have no obligation to listen or talk to her if she is abusive, verbally or otherwise. Find out what the root problem is and try to fix it. It could be, that you two are just incompatible.

[searock]

- Yes, there may be something she is lacking in the relationship, and that's why she is mad at you. However, instead of yelling, she should really say what the problem is like an adult. Her tantrums make her seem immature, infantile.

I somehow got a feeling that she's tried talking "like an adult" with him about their problems a lot of times, but he wouldn't ever listen. Then he's surprised if she gets angry and he starts having stupid childish misogynistic behaviors like abandoning the conversation cause it's useless since she's clearly in a crazy female moment. Consequences: 1) they never get to talk about their problems 2) she feels like she's being treated like a crazy person who can't process logical thought. Of course they are incompatible, any girl would be incompatible with a jerk who treats them like they can't even think properly.

[nestorz]

I think you are the one who's immature in the relationship and not giving her enough attention.

When she has a problem, you both have a problem. It's your relationship man, deal with it. Don't just ignore her rants.

[nexusman]

Thank you guys!
I may get some more criticism here but here is what I did: I didn't contact her until she did. I mean the point needed to be made, she was indeed verbally abusive and very provocative, and at that time I thought its better to leave chat and not talk shit back at her. We did have a calmer talk yesterday, I apologized for logging off during the fight and she did for taking it out on me. I think we both learned valuable lessons here. One big point to remember for me is to never take stuff so seriously when she is mad at me, whether its my fault or not.