Am I over-reacting/over-analyzing or is she not interested??

[StartingAgain]

Hello everyone. I might be completely overanalyzing this situation but I took a very long break from dating because I was frustrated with the types of women I was meeting (did the match.com thing and didn't like it at all) and am trying to start again.

I met a gal in a big step up from match.com but still via the internet in that she was someone I reconnected with on Facebook. I decided one day to start initiating a "message" conversation with her that eventually lead to us trading phone numbers. She has 3 kids and has to travel a bit for her job but after awhile, we were texting and/or talking every day and went out on our first date on Wednesday night. It *almost* got started off on the wrong foot because she sent me a text almost literally at the last minute saying that she'd have to take her own car instead of me picking her up because of dropping off clothes for her daughter. Since we were then kind of forced to rearrange the timing of everything, she eventually called me up and just confessed to being very, very nervous and having a lot of anxiety.

I appreciated her honesty, actually, and told her so. It was something we laughed about later. Overall, the date was pretty awesome. We started with dinner then went to a bar and basically hung out for a little over 6 hours. Three areas of concern now that some of the background information is out of the way:

1) At one point, we got into talking about where we ended up going after high school etc and I'd made some comments that I'd been a really arrogant, egotistical person in college. I'm still very confident, and she had complimented me on that several times, but when I mentioned the college arrogance she told me that I was still arrogant. I tried to not be too offended and we joked about it a little but she did say it was something that wouldn't work on her. I asked her for examples because I didn't particularly feel like I was walking around telling her and everybody else I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, so what it came down to was that she felt I was using a lot of "pick up lines" and that some of the things I said sounded "rehearsed". That's not the same thing as arrogance, first of all, but then secondly I just simply apologized if anything I'd said had come across that way and that I genuinely meant everything that I'd said. We moved on past it and still continued to enjoy the rest of the date just as much as everything leading up to it...but did "we" or did just "I"?

2) I did try to give her a kiss at one point but she politely backed me down just saying that she wasn't ready for that yet. It was slightly awkward and I honestly have never been on a first date in my entire life where I didn't at least kiss the person but she did apologize and say she was just a bit guarded so it was something that I shrugged off and we also later joked about. At the very tail end of the date, she did remind me that she wasn't going to let me kiss her yet but gave me a kiss on the cheek and I gave her a kiss on the forehead. No biggie per se except for the third and final thing and how this all ties together where now all of a sudden I'm the insecure/nervous/anxious one...

3) After the little "smooch" and hug fest, she asked me to call her the next day (and we did agree to go out again sometime). So, that next day, my day was running late and I still had to talk to two of my family members so I sent her a quick text just letting her know that it might be a bit late (out of respect for her and her kids) and she texted me right back telling me she was running around getting clothes and stuff packed for them (they're moving) but asked me to text her later to see if she was still running around. It didn't make much sense for me to text her later to see if she was still running around so I had my conversation with my two family members and gave her a call about 9'ish (our usual talk time). No answer. I tried her again about 40-45 minutes later, no answer again, but for some reason (partially because I was a little drunk) I decided to not leave a voicemail and just sent her a text instead letting her know that even if we didn't talk that night, we'd talk soon and then gave her what I felt to be a little reassurance by reminding her that she's an amazing person (based on weeks of talking on top of the date) and that I really enjoyed our night.

And this is where the "over analyzing" comes into play, and probably being a little drunk didn't help, because it was the first time I ever called her where she not only didn't pick up (and not once, but twice) but also didn't call me back. Neither did she respond to my text, which was also a first, although I'm concerned that I may have phrased the text a bit too strongly. Having no contact at all for a whole day (Friday) was also a first and we've gone two straight days without any contact and with no response to my text or a return of the phone calls that I'm sure she at least saw I'd made. I really like this person after taking 6 weeks to get to know her and having a 6 hour date, however, given the three things above, I'm not sure what to do or if she even likes me as anything more than a friend (or less).

I'm sorry for this novel but if anyone could help me sort out this confusion and then give me some advice on what I should do, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks in advance!

[poetrychic]

Have you tried calling again, leaving a message....just wanted to see how you are doing, tried to call, haven't heard back from you? You can say I just wanted to see if you still wanted to go out again? Make it short and to the point, and say I really miss talking to you...but don't make it like you are waiting around for her to call. It's kind of hard with the above info, to tell if she's into you or not, I mean, if you were both talking a lot, it does seem a little strange she won't call or text you back. Maybe you did say something that irritated her, or made her question things, but there's no real way to tell unless you ask her. I think you should call her and leave a message, probably more personal than a text. Just my thoughts.

[StartingAgain]

Yeah it's tough to say exactly what may or may not have happened - I'm not a mind reader. :p The arrogance comment on the date really threw me for a loop especially since we'd spent almost 6 weeks trading messages, talking, texting and she had nothing but good things to say about me. It didn't "end the date" but it's something that stuck with me because when I asked her to give me examples, as stated above, she told me that she felt that most of the things I'd been saying were genuine but that some sounded like "pick up lines" and/or came across "rehearsed" - as though I'd said the exact same thing to 100 other women or something. The fact is, we still hung out for a long while after that and even in the parking lot when the bar was closing: just talking, laughing, had my arm around her, hugged a few times and then she gave me that kiss on the cheek, asked me to call her the next day, I texted her that I had a few more calls to make but would be calling soon, she texted back just letting me know she was running around but to text her again later to see if she was done with her running around...and I chose to call instead of texting. My verizon service has been squirrelly, but she already knows that and so do a lot of people because apparently verizon is losing connections with some of its towers while it upgrades from LG3 to LG4, so I ended up having to call a couple of times. Couldn't get her voicemail on the first call, got it on the second one, but I decided to not leave a message and just dropped her a text instead.

My concern is that my text may have come across too strong because I was a little buzzed and hungover at the moment on top of being insanely tired from not getting any sleep. I deleted the text but it was something to the degree of "Thought I'd take a gamble with giving you a phone call rather than texting. I know you had a late night and were running around with the kiddos so if we don't get to talk tonight, just know we'll talk soon. For now, just wanted to remind you that you're an amazing person and that I enjoyed our night together". I may have even said "amazing woman" - and again, that might be overanalyzing too much because it's not like I hadn't said similar things the more we got to know each other.

I don't know. If she is questioning some things or reevaluating her opinion of me or whatever else then I'm not so sure that calling tonight would be a good idea because maybe she needs that time to think and hopefully think about all the fun we had getting to know each other over the course of 6 weeks, the fact that aside from the awkward "arrogance discussion", the date still lasted 6 hours with essentially nonstop conversation, laughter, teasing and then a "cute" little romantic moment at the end. [shrugs]

Thanks for your comments and recommendations. Feel free to leave anything else if something from this post helps you understand the situation better.

[poetrychic]

You might should post this in the womans forum, just to get more women taking a look at your situation.

All women are different, I can be clingy and attached when I like a guy, but others (my good friend is like this)..she would not make so much effort, she would wait for the guy to come chasing after her, could really careless about showing how she really truly felt because she's completely confident in herself. I am not that way (I need to work on my self esteem, always have)...but maybe she's completely confident, and waiting for you too keep coming after her, but I don't think you should keep saying things like how amazing she is, if she's not giving you anything back in return..ya know. She might think you are just an arrogant ass (I'm not saying you are, but arrogant guys especially are a HUGE turn off for me), but some women really like that...obviously, if she made those comments, she doesn't. She might not be the right girl for you to date, because maybe that is a trait you possess and you could work on it a little, good for her to tell you if you are too much like that. However, if it's making you question yourself as who you are, she's got into your head somehow--not always a bad thing, but maybe you liked her honesty. Maybe she is a girl that is afraid of commitment, who knows. All you can do is wait, and I know the clock moves slow when you are waiting for someone to call, text, or email...been there. But, you could call again, not sure you should do it so soon thou. I think, if she likes you, she will make some effort, and if not, then she won't. Unfortunately, you can't make her feel the way about you that you do about her--I've been there too! I think if you both were into each other, you both would be making effort. And, if she is mad, maybe give her a little time, and if she doesn't try to contact you, try contacting her one more time. Keep us posted what happens. I hope it all works out.

[poetrychic]

One more tip, a lot of guys do talk about themselves when they are trying to impress a woman (she might confuse that with being arrogant or full of yourself)---don't do that so much if you do. Ask her about how she is, because if she's into you or on a date, the purpose is to get to know each other. Not to say you can't talk about things about yourself, but if she likes you, she'll ask questions or make hints she wants to know something about you. Keep her interest sparked and curious, that is truly what is intriguing...it's like a puzzle when a woman wants to know more about a man and he's not just boasting about himself or talking about everything about himself (that is IF she's into him, otherwise she won't care anyways). Ask her all about her, and who she is because we women want to be heard and listened to...we don't want to hear about how great you are! lol!...

[Leona77]

you've made it perfectly clear that you want to continue contact with her...there is no point in you repeating that endlessly...give her some time/space and wait for a week or so...if she doesn't contact you by then, give it another go and ask her if she wants to meet up. If she refuses or does not answer agian,move on! You ARE overanalyzing this, which is what happens when you like someone and you ara affraid you will lose them....just don't be afraid you'll lose her because that is not cool and ...btw, noone who does not like you back is worth the analysis

[StartingAgain]

Thanks for the comments from both of you! The "arrogance" thing is the primary thing that's stuck in my head, however, as stated, that was only a very small part of what was ultimately a 6 hour date that still ended with a lot of affection (more in the form of hugging and a kiss from her on my cheek). What has it make less sense is that in one of our conversations prior to the date, because we had already become very open and honest, we both kind of "evaluated" one another (for fun) and arrogance was never mentioned because I know I wasn't being that. I think she may have used the wrong word to describe what she perceived as "arrogance" on the date because when we joked about it and I asked her to give me some examples, she said that most of what I was saying was genuine but that some of it sounded like "pick up lines" and "rehearsed lines" - as though I'd said similar things to 100 other women. It's possible that I did, I don't know. When I'm out with someone, and we're having as good a time as the two of us were having, I'm just very much in the moment.

And now afterwards, in a situation like this one, I'm still in the moment. LOL

Either way, I literally looked her square in the eyes and told her that I apologized if anything I said had come across that way while reassuring her that everything I'd said was genuine. She DID say she doesn't take compliments well so that could have been part of the problem. It's possible I may have been arrogant though - who knows really, but if that's what she observed then that's what she observed and there's nothing I can do about it now. Either way, the date ended on a positive note with her wanting to go out again and asking me to call her the next day. Generally, someone wouldn't do that if they were turned off or whatever. I did text her last night since I hadn't heard back from her just asking her if she was ok and she texted back, but all it said was: "I'm having a pajama wine party at a girlfriend's house... I'm all good!" No "Talk to you tomorrow" or "talk to you soon" or anything else so I'm just going to take a giant step back and hope that at some point or 6 weeks of talking and 6 hour date outweighs whatever "arrogance" there may or may not have been.

[StartingAgain]

Actually, disregard this at this point. She apologized to me and explained that her life is just a mess right now. That answers all of my confusion but also forces me to take a big step back. She's still a great person as I have maintained throughout this thread and while I appreciate her honesty, I also don't deserve to be dragged into some kind of dramatic rebound.

[sighs]

My confusion was valid, even if I didn't know why at the time. Maybe someone else out there can benefit from this in that it's not always about YOU and what YOU may have done wrong or right, but that it can also be completely about the other person.