Ex Girlfriend of 3 years unfriends me on Facebook - Very mixed feelings :(

[stripydan]

Firstly: Sorry for the Length but I need some input!

Background: When we were together we were really close and things were really intense, she used to tell me she loves me like she loves nobody else and never will - and she made a promise to me that nothing would ever break us apart.
She even nicknamed me her 'Twin' because of how much we had in common and would often call me her soulmate. She said that I was also her best friend and that nobody could ever replace me.

Once she got to uni she started to change, things didn't seem to add up like they used to. Her texts were mixed… sometimes they said stuff like 'I'm not being nice to the people who are being nice to me and I hate myself for it' and then one day she told me she didn't feel she should be in a relationship at the minute. I told her that i'd give some space for a while - this was in March last year. She said she would sort herself out and that she loves me with everything.

After that, things got absolutely terrible. I would never hear from her unless I sent several texts, and two weeks after no initiating from her side I called up once and she sounded really emotional but hesitant about the fact I rang. I suggested that maybe we go for a coffee sometime, which she said yes to but that she wanted to wait till her exams were over. So I respected this, gave her the space but she never text me back or rang me over the summer break whatsoever about coffee or anything for that matter. One week I got sent to hospital and she never even had the decency to check how I was doing, or if things were going well. She completely stopped all her contact. Things also got suspicious - she started speaking to other guys online, she had a new best friend who was gay (I thought nothing of this at first) but I found it odd how they would spend literally all their time together. Either way, I could feel her disappearing from my life.

For 5 Months I didn't hear a thing from her. On her Facebook, she would send suggestive statuses and a lot of her activity was hurtful for me to see. It felt like emotional abuse.. almost like a deliberate act out of spitefulness to make me jealous and get me in pain - but despite how tempting it was to question what things were about I stayed No Contact. (she requested it - not me).

Then in September time, I got a handwritten letter. It said 'I hope you're okay and that everything is going well. I presume you already know why i'm writing this difficult letter to you. I don't feel able to continue a relationship. During this break, my feelings changed and I know it wouldn't work out if we got back together. I've reached a point where I need to move on and there is no possibility of changing it. Thankyou for all the happy times and wish you luck for the future.'

So after the letter I asked for a lot of advice on what I should do because the pain had reached a new level. People would say 'Don't waste your time responding, keep moving on' and 'The best response is nothing at all, don't respond it will do you no good' etc.

So I didn't respond - I was upset about the whole ordeal as it was and I knew myself that I probably wasn't emotionally ready to break contact. Three weeks later, she took me off her Facebook relationship status and other guys were already chasing her that day. I felt helpless. Despite what I felt inside I tried to move on, I didn't contact her or look at her Facebook account. Since then, I have got nothing from her - not even a text to check on my health or wellbeing.

After all the months of No Contact, I haven't done too badly for myself.. I still have my part time job, I have a car of my own, I have many different girls talking to me and what not but deep down in my heart.. I haven't forgotten the things my ex said to me, because that meant something much deeper. Sometimes I still hurt like hell on the inside and to say that I miss her is just an understatement. Life without her is still a struggle even though i've found new hobbies and ways to enjoy my life.

Yesterday, I find out she suddenly unfriends me after all these months. Stupid me goes on the Facebook search to find that not only has she defriended me, but she is in a relationship with someone else. I clicked off the page instantly, gripped my hair and thought many things along the lines of 'This is torturous', 'how could she do this'.

But of course, I don't think it's the relationship i'm so upset about because i've been coming to terms with that.. it's the fact I feel like I don't exist. Because before the relationship we were best friends for months… to think I will never see her again or even be her friend someday in the future is extremely hard to bear.

And yes I understand that more No Contact is probably essential but it is very upsetting to feel like i'm dead to her - we still had a relationship, I understand that it didn't work out but i'm still human, I still exist and just because she unfriended me doesn't mean there are no memories. My mum suggests that I contact her to tell her how it feels... but I don't know if that's going to be a good idea now that she's already with someone else.

Sorry this is getting a little long - this is just a way to vent. I know she doesn't owe me anything anymore, but sometimes I don't know what it'll take to be 100% over this. It's like a little piece is still there nagging at my insides and upsetting me.. part of me wants to follow my heart and make contact but then the rest of my head says don't do it, you'll only look desperate.

This has been the hardest thing i've ever had to go through in my whole life. I'm doing alright for myself but… this was a real setback.

Have I done well to stay in No Contact all this time?

[HDBadger]

Sorry dude, I know this sort of thing is awful.

For what it's worth, I think you are doing (and have done) just fine. I do think you should talk to someone professionally about the situation. He or she may be able to help you work through things in a way that you couldn't on your own.

One thought: She's young, right? This is, quite obviously, a generalization, but relationships early in life - particularly those that begin in school-age years - simply don't have a great chance of surviving. The reason is few people have the life experiences and maturity at that age to make something last long term. This girl probably wanted to have other experiences and grow up before she committed to any one person. You, unfortunately, get the shaft because of it.

I know none of this can fully assuage your pain, but know that millions of people have gone through the same thing and come out healthy and happy on the other side.

Yes, I think you should remain out of contact with her. I'm not one of those strict NC people, but think of it this way: Is contacting this girl going to accomplish anything? What good will come of it? Will it make you feel better?

Probably not. In the long run, it will probably make you feel a lot worse. Let her do what she wants/needs to do. Leave her alone. She should do you the same courtesy.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Do fun shit. Don't sit around and sulk. It sounds trite, but it's true: You'll be fine soon enough.

[stripydan]

It's the hardest thing i've had to deal with man - what kind of 'professional' did you have in mind? A therapist of some kind?

Yeah we're both young, i'm 22 and she is 21 now. The pain isn't quite as detrimental as it used to be; I understand why it's not such a great idea to talk and be friends on facebook right now, but it's more about what it represents (the total utter loss of my first love who I did everything with). It feels so sad and ashame to think that we may never find a way of being friends at some point of the future. It's not just the relationship I lost, it's the friendship - which meant just as much to me (IF NOT MORE as i've been moving on as best I can).

"Is contacting this girl going to accomplish anything?" - I thought about it but yeah I don't want to give the wrong signals, I mean I still care about her a hell of a lot, I don't know what I feel for her anymore but I still know that her unfriending me hurt just as much as breaking up with me. It's like she just broke up all over again.

"What good will come of it?" - Who knows man, but i'd only want good to come from it if I were to do such a thing. I still think of her wellbeing every day and hope she's happy, regardless of whatever she does. I've always gave her unconditional love and if there's one thing i'm proud of, it's probably the fact I gave nothing but 100%. I honestly doubt she could find anyone like what I could give any time soon. But if she did then good for her.

"Will it make you feel better?" - This is what i'm still questioning. I feel like the NC has helped me an awful lot, but not when it comes to completely diminishing her from my mind. I still think about her a few times a day. I've got my motivation back, but I can't help but feel like there's 1% of her that's still there. Holding me back from all the things i'm so capable of doing. Keeping me from being at my very best. I do miss her a lot, sometimes I wish I didn't but I can't deny that I do.

Maybe this gives a bit more insight but I agree, i'm starting to see that there's really no point in sulking - I mean, there's better things to enjoy than that. I've been endulging in hobbies and things like that, playing video games, seeing friends etc. But I still have a part of me that never forgot her or what she meant to me.

[Cerby]

The first heartbreak always hurts the worst - I still remember mine 11 years after it happened. The truth is that it gets better, it always does. Sometimes weeks or even months go by and you find it hard to get out of bed - but one day you wake up, the morning goes by, then the day, and then the evening, and you realize you haven't thought about her all day. This is where you'll end up, here are the errors that you'll learn to avoid next time:

- When someone doesn't contact you for 5 months, the relationship is over, whether its been said or not.
- When the relationship is over, delete them from Facebook immediately, as well as block all contact. You're weren't "no contact" because you were watching her facebook statuses all this time. Had you deleted her right away, the healing would have been a lot better
- You deserve better, anyone who leaves you with a letter it a complete coward, its just as bad the the phone break up (but not quite as bad as the text break up)
- What people say in a relationship usually is just for the relationship, ie "I'll never love someone like I love you". Its just sweet nothings that people like to hear from their SO, once the relationship is over, they carry no weight and aren't worth bringing up.

I've been dumped a few times by people I've really liked, and the first one will always be the worst. After you learn how to survive this one, none will hurt like this again. It gets better, I promise.

[HDBadger]

+1 to everything Cerby said.

[stripydan]

Things were getting better up to when this happened - I kinda just wish there was a pill you could swallow and then that is it, the ex is completely forgotten because of how they treated you...

Just for the info guys, I didn't read a single post (or look at her page once) after she broke up with me - even though we were still FB friends! I used some software to disable her page, but your still right I guess it would've still been easier to unfriend her properly.. then I could have navigated around without worrying what i'd bump into.

You guys are right... I do deserve better.. and i've pretty much convinced myself that I don't want her back. I've thought about it and wouldn't be able to touch her without thinking how I was betrayed. That would always play through my mind whether I liked it or not. It couldn't work out. One person alone can't try to make something work. I think I just miss the way things used to be - maybe seeing a professional will get rid of this remaining baggage. Guess I was kinda stupid to believe she would keep to her word. Thing is i'm very different to that, if I tell someone I love them.. chances are pretty set in stone that i'll mean it and i'll not stray.

If these remaining thoughts of her go, i'll be pleased. I've dated 2 other women since meeting this one but I don't want them to know I still think of my ex. Why should I compare these girls with an ex who was so horrible to me - I didn't say anything online to hurt her, upset her or put her down. All of my statuses since breaking up have been about the things i've been up to, that's pretty much it. I've not put 1 negative status, nor have I broken NC. I guess I should be proud of that.

I know we broke up etc., just feel there's no reason to act like the relationship/friendship never happened. It just seems a bit spiteful and immature when you look at it in that perspective.

The 2 main things that still affect me are a. the memories and b. those bad thoughts -eg. anxiety about her sleeping with someone else, being with another guy when we shared all that and had a great 3 years together. It sickens me to think she could do that and just leave without any consideration towards my feelings. Even if I was in the same position of being the dumper I would have given it some time after knowing i'd been with someone for that long. I wouldn't erase their existence like they never even mattered.

Sorry for the length guys, feels a lot better to get this stuff off my chest.