How much space is enough? I dont want to lose her.

[aeminence]

Okay. I want to keep this short but I dont think I can. i want you to know enough so that you have enough information to give me a legit answer. There seems to be a good amount of females so thats a plus. So please be ready to read.


So first let me tell you a little about her.
She's had a rough childhood when it came to her school peers. Shes been bullied and teased so rough because she had short hair and they ridiculed her that its left her hating boys. Of course as she grew older she's not as closed minded and doesnt run away from every guy anymore ( she told me before, when I asked her how it would of been like if we met years ago and she said ' I was in my boy hating time, i would of ran away and hid behind my dad. ' ) So she takes guys who're strangers to her and won't let her guard down. I'm fine with that.

Shes in highschool and since she got into highschool she actually became popular with both girls and some boys ( still has short hair ) which shocked her. Everyone was calling her cute and cool. But this didnt really change her ( girls who can change easily just because of that kind of ego inflation suck ) She's had a ex boyfriend before which she seriously regrets having and wishes it never happened.. With me tho, she seemed comfortable off the bat. Which surprised her. She never met a guy who was able to make her feel as safe (as she would feel with girl friends )so suddenly. She's quiet IRL and compensates for writing ALOT online and I love that. I write just as much and even more and she loves it. We would write 4-8k word long essays to one another. Yeah. I know.


For months now Ive gotten super close to this girl, we just love eachothers company. We would wait for eachother to get home so we can have eachother all to ourselves. And we'd do this for months, every day, all the time. And she just told me how she wouldnt be this happy.. and that ever since talking to me she's just been a happier person. She's not a emo or depressed person mind you, but sometimes you just start feeling really happy right?

She then starts to say things, " I really like you... " just randomly. And i'm not dense, so I know whats been going on between us. and eventually it became " I love you " and she hates that word. She hates it but she knows thats how she feels about me so regardless of hating it she'll say it. I love her too. So I told her that.

So months pass and were still so much in love. She told me tho, exams are coming up. And she's VERY studious. Which I love about her. I told her school is a priority, and even tho I'll feel bad, I'm fine being 2nd to school. Its her future after all. She told me during exam-time (for her she studies all month ) she goes into a exam-mode where she'll cut off most communication and just try her best to study. And that she may appear un-cute for a while, but to not stop loving her. She was warning me. And I havent forgotten.

So June comes, and I'm sad that I can't have her as much as I always could.. But I know this was coming and its a obstacle im going to have to survive. I told her ill be leaving her essay long mesasges regardless of her replying back or not. That they'll be there for her for when she comes back. That she's always on my mind and i'm leaving these for her for support, for when she needs a break she can go and read one of them. I would also leave text messages to her iPhone, supportive ones and small messages about whats going on in my side of my life. She said that she had to resort to turning off her phone completely during her study periods because my messages were too tempting

She said it was different this year, shes usually super stressed but for some reason having me around made her much calmer. Still stressed. But calmer. We talk for a bit and she has to go back into studying. Throughout June we would do this. She goes and studies, and when she has a break ( few days of being gone ) she would message me. It felt like months since last we spoke. And she felt so shy telling me " I love you " eventually we get back into our groove and we talk like before. Its one week before her final week of exams. June 22nd. Her Birthday. and the final exam is n the 29th. We talk like before, tells me that " i know I dont tell you this, but remember even if I dont say it, I love you okay?" and " Soon Ill be all yours again! " sweet stuff like that.

I'm behind on her birthday present which I made myself. She gave me something handmade and I loved it. So I spent the week where it was her final week of exams working on this. If you want to nkow what it is ill tell you and itll be in a different size so you can ignore this part if you want:

I made her a book. I took a sketch book ( we both love arts, but im a biomedical engineer student regardesss haha ) and made my own custom cover ontop of the books hard cover. it was a sketch book, with writings in it in the front page and the rest of the book was All our messages, printed out, and put into the pages. From the very beginning, til how far the pages let me. I wanted to atleast end at the part where she says " I love you " for the first time but the pages werent enough. This book doesnt evne cover 25% of our messages. I also added in a CD, with songs that mean alot to us, and songs that would remind me of her. And on the final track I made my own track. A message from me to her. Telling her about the gifts, what I went through to do them for the first part, and the 2nd part is about her, her birthday, how much she means to me, and that i'm thank ful. I'll add pictures if you want.

So the 29th happens. I figured okay, shes done exams. She should come back. But nothing.

I'm a very possessive, obsessive and clingy/attached person and ive known this from past realtionships. I know these flaws and ive been working on them since freshman highschool with my 2nd girlfriend that I actually cared about. Yeah I have these flaws, I admit them, and I'm working on them. ITs slow, its hard, its painful, but I'm doing it. Because I know that its worth it if I know i'll be able to hold onto her because I, myself, became stronger.

So since I hear nothing on the 29th, I figured. Shes stressed, she loves being alone, so shes probably just trying to unwind. And on the 30th I hear nothing either. She ignores our iphone msgs ( we use an App called Kakao to talk , shows us if messages are read or not ) and she ignores the site we use to send those long essay length messages. She is always on twitter tho.

I find her there, with a few recent tweets. Now i'm afraid. I dont want to seem like " i had to find you, nwo I found you, come back " because.. You just dont do that. I wait a bit, and I ask her whats up. She seems really.. Not like what I'm used too. She said she went to sleep right after the exams, then woke up and went out with friends as they had an appointment since last week to hang out. she also had things to do yesterday, and she jsut wants to be at home and be alone. I askd her..
" Are you always like this after exams? "
"Yeah. I dont know how you handle all this (her being moody) but just wait till I get back to normal."

I asked her about the messaging and I got.

"Yep, I have to get back into it. Feels like I haven't talked to you for months. I don't know what to tell you"
( we were only not talking for 7 days )

She says earlier that day that

"Im on vacation now but im still stressed. I just want people to forget me for a while. "

The girl is silly, I can never jsut forget her.. Its not that easy.

But I understand her, but do my emotions? No. I want to give her space. And thats what I'm doing. I'm silently looking after her through twitter, but won't leave msgs because she needs to breath. I'm waiting for her to come back.

She doesnt know when she'll just be fine, and when she'll be back to writing long messages again and read y to have me back in her life.

What I'm afraid is. I want to give her space. Its what she wants. But I don't know how much space. I don't want to disappear and just wait for her to message because im afraid if I disappear her feelings for me, since i'm just absent in her life, will get burried over the new things she comes across.

But I was thinking I should just give her some space, but still do the small talk on twitter. It'll maintain my presence in her life.. And maybe it'll quickly get her in the mood to talk more. But I'm afraid we'll be stuck as a " hi, whats up? ok cool lol " relationship..

In the end I'm afraid we'll lose the closeness that we had. I know that this is temporary, her way of feeling like this, but it might cause some side effects to our relationship if she feels too distant (" Feels like we havent spoke to eachother in months. I dont know what to tell you " the 'IDK what to tell you' part confuses me.. Does she mean she doesnt know what to say other than she isnt in the mood for it? Or that she doesnt know what to say to me specifically? ) I sent her gift out already but I dont know when it'll come to her. I'm actually hoping it'll rekindle the feeling and change her mood swings.

People of this forum.. What do you suppose I do?

Ive gone to friends and ive gotten excellent advice, but I just need more. Thanks for reading, and I'll be watching this thread.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You need to disappear. As much as you want to contact her, don't. Start moving on and looking for another girl. Treat whatever it was with this girl as over.

[Lily_of_Isles]

That's strange. I'm in school and had exams, too, but I can manage to take at least a few hours out of my day to talk to my boyfriend. So while you do have some clinginess issues you've admitted to, she has some distance issues she needs to admit to herself. Relationships are about compromise and working together. If you can fix yourself for her but she can't change a bit to make you happy in return, that's being very selfish. It seems like you're working so hard to be considerate of her, but she's being very inconsiderate of you.
You need to tell her that. And also, with all due respect to her...the wwhole thing about teasing because of short hair just seems very stupid. People used to tease me because of my freckles, even my own family teases me about it, but I'm not scared of people because of it. She just seems very self centered and taking things too personally. I thought short pixie cuts were even in style in some circles...she can't have been the only girl in her school with short hair.

[Boisdevie]

Ah the old 'I need space' thingy. Up there with the list of other great bullshite phrases such as:
1. It's not you it's me.
2. We'll still be friends, and that all time great
3. I promise I won't come in your mouth.

[minisprite]

Ah the old 'I need space' thingy. Up there with the list of other great bullshite phrases such as:
1. It's not you it's me.
2. We'll still be friends, and that all time great
3. I promise I won't come in your mouth.

Unfortunatly, I have to agree with this.
Having been in a situation to this in my younger days (but it was me asking for the space) it was because I didn't have the guts to end it, the guy was possesive and clingy and because of that I didn't want to break his heart.
It doesn't mean you are a bad person, some people just don't like all that, some people do.
Find yourself someone who will appreciate you for who you are, the guy I did it to did and he has been with her since.

[aeminence]

Ah the old 'I need space' thingy. Up there with the list of other great bullshite phrases such as:
1. It's not you it's me.
2. We'll still be friends, and that all time great
3. I promise I won't come in your mouth.

Unfortunatly, I have to agree with this.
Having been in a situation to this in my younger days (but it was me asking for the space) it was because I didn't have the guts to end it, the guy was possesive and clingy and because of that I didn't want to break his heart.
It doesn't mean you are a bad person, some people just don't like all that, some people do.
Find yourself someone who will appreciate you for who you are, the guy I did it to did and he has been with her since.

I see where you're all coming from, and ive been told this already. The thing is she does this every year, where she just wants to be shut out and be alone for a while and she gets really moody. She admitted this and told me I should just wait til she's back to normal. She's not asking for space from ME specifically, she's asking for space from EVERYONE. She doesnt like going out with her friends that often if at all. What you say makes sense if she was specifically targeting me to give her space, but she just wants space as a whole.

The problem I have is that I'm worried this will cause side effects. It might make her feel more distant ( I think it already has, with her mentioning 'feels liek we havent spoken in months' which I would like to ask why she would feel like this even after only 7 days? )

As far as possessive and clingy goes. Thats what I am. I know that. I was actually worse before and im not THAT bad now. But I never said I acted like that towards her. Yes I'm doing this, and being really paranoid and worried. But Not to her. I'm doing this behind the scenes. Im still giving her space but Im coming here and other websites for help and just peace of mind.

That's strange. I'm in school and had exams, too, but I can manage to take at least a few hours out of my day to talk to my boyfriend. So while you do have some clinginess issues you've admitted to, she has some distance issues she needs to admit to herself. Relationships are about compromise and working together. If you can fix yourself for her but she can't change a bit to make you happy in return, that's being very selfish. It seems like you're working so hard to be considerate of her, but she's being very inconsiderate of you.
You need to tell her that. And also, with all due respect to her...the wwhole thing about teasing because of short hair just seems very stupid. People used to tease me because of my freckles, even my own family teases me about it, but I'm not scared of people because of it. She just seems very self centered and taking things too personally. I thought short pixie cuts were even in style in some circles...she can't have been the only girl in her school with short hair.

That's the extent of it as far as she told me. She was constantly called a "faggot" by everyone and didnt really have that many friends. Hey, everyone has different breaking points so I'm going to give her that.

She did the French equivalent to SAT's, the BAC's. She's really studious like I mentioned before so she takes studies and school seriously. yes serious enough to go into a hermit-mode and just study. She still messaged me, and the messages were fine during the month of June even tho it wasnt much. BUt it was similar ot how its always been. Its the problem that after the exam's shes really distant. To everyone.

There are alot of things I want to tell her. But I can't just bring them up when she's trying to chill and not get stressed. i can't throw all these burdens on her that could just be completely made up from my overactive imagination and push her away. I'd much rather do that when she's ready to read super long messages again. So I dont have to hold back on how I feel and get a lengthy reply. Not a simple 140 character max tweet.

Thanks for your inputs tho.

[Lyria]

if she really wanted to rekindle the contact she had with you, then she would've done it already. doesn't matter that she is a 'alone person' or whatsoever. you said that she felt safe with you, and not really with that many people.
it hurts to lose someone you care a lot about and put a lot of effort in the relationship, but eventually it should be two-sided...
Try to focus on your life. Your friends, other people you care about. Open up your eyes for girls that are worth your time. Let this one be. If she really wants you back, then she should be the one putting effort in it.

good luck!

[Cerulean.]

Somethings fishy here. I can't quite grasp what it is, but she's being very selfish with you.

[JoeyJR]

I'm a very possessive, obsessive and clingy/attached person and ive known this from past realtionships. I know these flaws and ive been working on them since freshman highschool with my 2nd girlfriend that I actually cared about. Yeah I have these flaws

thats were you ****kked it all uppp.. she needs space because of that


You need to stop being clingy and if you want anything to work out and stop being possesive, all that crap is HUGE FAIL!!!

and all of that availability = ''I need space''

You may be too needy and insecure right now, and the more you try to grab tighter the more she will run away from you.
Dont go into desperate mode.

I think she lost interest too, for obvious reasons(BOLD)...

most guys, when their gf says 'i need space' interpret the situation as their woman is goign through a confusing difficult time and needs to get her head figured out

rightnow u feel that your natural instinct is to fix her, save her, save her. but given that she has directly requested that she needs space, he figures that by 'giving her space' he's supporting her and that she will return to him. that by backing off while still being available he is still being her knight in shinning armor?.. NOPE..

so let her do her own thing. find yourself something to keep your focus away from her. DO NOT buy her gifts right now. DO NOT tell her you love her. DO NOT look for a quick fix, just let her be.



So i think that either...

A) broke up with you without saying "I want to break up with you" because she got feddd upppp

or

B) to Keep you on a leash while she's fukking who knowwsss whoo..