Should I try and continue - or let go and leave?

[hermionegranger]

Please help me clarify this situation a bit. I have been in a relationship with my BF for 2 years. It has been the best relationship I've had so far (I think). I am 24, he is 26. At first I was very, even extremely happy with him - I really thought I had found the one. If I think back on our relationship (and that's easy, because I keep a diary), I see we've had a lot of fights and I have not been as happy as I thought I was. But I have still been very sure I loved him. Currently I'm nor so sure anymore...

I've gone through a lot of changes - I've managed to overcome depression and I've made a huge career-change. Since I've started to see the world more colorfully, I've also noticed that he is very black-and-white in his opinions for example. When I came back from a training of 2 weeks with some really inspiring and motivating people, the greeting I got from by BF was very disappointing. It's like he didn't care at all, that we hadn't met for 2 weeks, he didn't express any joy or happiness. That's where I started doubting our relationship.

We are pretty good friends - we both like sci-fi, we are interested in politics and share the same values (pretty much) in that field, the sex is great (the best I've had so far), he likes to cook, he likes to do stuff in his apartment (building, cleaning, repairing, etc.) and he is somewhat caring in his own weird way. He's not into bringing flowers, he doesn't express his feelings much (anymore!), he doesn't like to hug or kiss much, but he always asks if I want something from the fridge or if I need something from another room, he likes to buy me stuff occasionally (we don't live together and he earns a lot more than I do, so he sometimes likes to pay my grocery-bill or buys me home-equipment).

But we are very different when it comes to personalities and our future. For example, he stresses all the time that he does not like planning ahead and that he does not plan ahead, whereas I enjoy planning and I do plan - a lot! I've tried less planning when it comes to our relationship, but I'm pretty much the only one trying to meet the other person half way. He's constantly late and when we agree to meet or go somewhere, we usually end up leaving the house 30-45 minutes later, because he needs to finish something on the computer or he has started vacuuming his place and wants to finish that and so on. If I know we should be leaving at 6, I try to finish my things on time, so we could leave at 6. But he takes this time-thing very... loosely. I've tried to adapt, but being late is not in my nature and I end up being ready a lot earlier than he is, so I get anxious and sometimes even cross with him.

Our daily routines are very different as well - and they will continue to be so for the next 2-3 years. I need to wake up at 6 in the morning, whereas he doesn't. He has his own business and a free schedule - it is usual for him to stay up until 4 a.m, and sleep until 2 p.m, whereas I need to go to sleep the latest at midnight to be able to wake up that early. In the past I've tried matching our routines a bit, staying up until 2 a.m., but again - I'm the one meeting the other one half way. He has lunch at 5 p.m, whereas I have it at 12 p.m. He has dinner at 11 p.m, whereas I'd like to go to sleep at that time already... When I try to hint that maybe we could go to sleep, he starts making faces and asks in a whining manner: "Already?"

We're not living together. We live about 30 minutes apart (by bus). I visit him often (once a week, for 1-3 nights at a time), he doesn't visit me (anymore), because he has a dog now and it doesn't like to travel. I've asked, whether he'd like me to move in (I know some of his previous GF's have lived there), but he has said no. Repeatedly. I don't mind living separately - I like my privacy and my own space; but to know that he doesn't even want me there, is a bit... sad.

Our opinion on how to raise children is very different. He likes dogs, whereas I prefer cats and I definitely want to have a cat as a pet somewhere in the future. He's not very outgoing, he doesn't have a lot of friends, but I - for example - like to go out sometimes and I enjoy dancing, but he hates dancing and does not dance. Ever. He likes to live in the suburb, but I enjoy living in the center. He is certain he does not want to get married, but I'd like to get married - it is not something I most certainly want, but I would like a wedding.

One of the biggest problems is, that he is not very supportive. I hated my previous job VERY much and wanted to quit for a long time. He said I should be happy with the job I have - for no reason really. I just should be happy... But I managed to find a new job and this is a huge career-change for me. He does not support it AT ALL. He says that I should go back to my previous job and that I'm even crazy for leaving. He has a successful business of his own, he works a lot (a bit of a workaholic even) - it seems to me that he is fulfilling his dreams a bit. Why can't I do that?

And he is generally rather cold - or has turned cold lately. We used to exchange I-love-yous every day, but suddenly a few months ago - he stopped saying that. When I said "I love you", he answered with a: "Yes, yes!" or "Love is implied". It was weird, but I got used to it. But he also doesn't want to hug or (randomly) kiss anymore. It's like he doesn't like to touch me or smth. When I visit, we do sleep in the same bed and he does cuddle me, but... that's not enough for me. I've tried talking to him about this - about everything I wrote about above - but he says it's normal, that he's not different, that why am I complaining... I've asked, if he is even certain he wants to be in a relationship with me, he answers: "I am!" It is not really an answer to my question, but he hasn't said that he does not want to be in this relationship either.

I don't know what to do. I've been certain that I want to try and work on this relationship. I mean - long-term relationships have their ups and downs and they do need hard work at times. My previous relationships have also ended after 1.5 years or so - maybe I shouldn't give up that early and that easily. But at times I've also been certain that there is no future for us together - or to be precise - there is no happy future for us. He seems to be rather comfortable with all of this, so I'm not sure if he'd even dump me if he was unhappy. And he seems to be the one that doesn't really want to work on the problems we're having - almost like he's just waiting for them to go away.

I do love him and even thinking about breaking up brings me to tears. I've cried a lot lately. Alone, of course... I can't even imagine how he'd feel, if I told him that I could not do this anymore. But it seems to me more and more, that we'd be better friends than (long-term) lovers. I need more affection and (daily) support to my actions, he doesn't - and he doesn't want to give affection or support either.

I've given all of this a lot of thought for almost a month already. Last night, waiting to fall asleep until 4 a.m (at my place, alone), it just suddenly hit me... But I still would like to hear your opinions. What do you think? Is this relationship worth some hard work - or is it doomed for good?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Doomed. Move on.

[hermionegranger]

Is it doomed beyond repair?

[Cerby]

Is it doomed beyond repair?

Many of the things you have spoken about are deal breakers for serious relationships. Raising children, not wanting to get married, his inability to accept your different routines, and now the fact he doesn't say he loves you.

4 reasons why anyone should leave a relationship that they plan on having for a long time. You two may have been compatible at one point, but things change, and you've moved apart from that.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Is it doomed beyond repair?

Doomed. Beyond repair. Move on.

[hermionegranger]

My decision is becoming clearer and clearer every day, because the facts are... quite obviously hinting at one direction.

But the Emotional Me is not as convinced as the Rational Me. How do I go throwing away everything good and happy we've had for the past 2 years? We still do have our happy-moments together, only I am the one bothered by some things and I sometimes let it show that it bothers me, whereas we end up having a small (or a bit bigger) fight.

More to that - it's my forth 1.5-2year relationship. Is there something wrong with me, that I don't notice these differences in values and thoughts until the end, until we're both attached to eachother so much that the separations feels unbearable?!

I need to wait with the break-up for 2 weeks, because we have 2 projects to finish together. I don't know how he will react to my words and the break-up so I think it's best to wait, so we'd get the projects done, so other people won't suffer because of this. But how do I do that? How do I wait with a straight face? Without bursting into tears infront of him apparently without a reason?

Also - our friends and mutual acquaintances think we're the perfect couple. They don't know the whole relationship, the discussions and the values we're not sharing of course. But how do I (we?) explain them later, why we broke up.