He's changing himself for me, but is that good?

[rachelcze]

To make a long story short - Last summer I fell in love with a guy named Josh. I'd had my long string of "bad boys," but he was the good, solid, loyal marriage-material guy. Financially set, good career, and he knew how to treat a woman right. But he didn't want to make a commitment. Soon after, he deployed to Afghanistan, and I deployed too, to a different location. So we went almost a year without seeing each other. When we met up again, our friendship fell right back into place like no time had even passed - except now he wanted a real relationship, and I was over him.

I realized he'd never make me happy in a marriage because he never liked to travel, get away for a weekend, have fun, etc. My biggest joy in life is getting out of town for an adventure, even if it's just a 2 day ski trip to the mountains. But he wants nothing to do with any of that. I invite him out to social events time and time again, but he just stays home. So I decided to go out of town for the weekend with a different guy - just for someone to go with. Josh of course, is jealous, and now suddenly he says he's willing to go places with me to make me happy. It's not his thing, but he'll tag along so I dont wind up with some other guy. But I feel like 1) He lost his chance, and 2) He should want to go with me because he ENJOYS those things - not because of jealousy. Am I being too hard on him?

[iamaninnocentma]

yeah its good, and yeah youre being too hard on him.

[searock]

If you don't feel anything for him anymore, it's over, regardless of his new-born interest for adventures, be it genuine or just to please you.

[rachelcze]

Thanks guys. I'm realizing that if I still had feelings for him, then of course I'd give him another chance. I think I just needed someone else to say it for me to realize that.

[smackie9]

There is nothing worse that going places with someone who really doesn't want to be there. He would just be a boat anchor on your excursions, a total downer. You want someone who is as excited to enjoy travel as much as you. Compatibility is crucial for a relationship to survive for the long haul. No worries he will find himself a homebody to marry someday.

The cards were played right....you would have been wasting your time giving him a second chance anyways. Things worked out for the better.

[toknow]

Well, that all depends on are you there for him, or for yourself. You seem, you need someone in your life to entertain you. That's not what a relationship is about. If you need a companion, get a girlfriend. People, now days especially, think a relationship is there to provide entertainment for them and once they don't feel happy they bale. This is absolutely not the case, a relationship isn't for your entertainment only, it's to share the joy of being together with someone and many other beautiful things - experience this wonder called life with your loved one.

Currently you don't love the guy, so don't waste your time and his. I listen to people, read posts and I'm astounded how selfish their views of a relationship are. And all I hear is, me, me, me. You don't hear anyone asking, how can I do something for my loved one. What can I do to make them feel better. A good indication that someone doesn't love you is if they do little for you. If you truly love someone you will naturally want to spend time with them, care for them as much as you can.

[smackie9]

Compatibility is not for "entertainment" purposes. When you share the same interests and passions with your partner it brings a deeper connection. If you don't have enough compatibility, eventually you drift apart. A relationship needs more than just love to survive, especially for the long haul. Traveling is a huge part of her life (her passion), there is nothing selfish of her wanting to find that special someone to "share" that experience with, that will enjoy it as much as she does.

[toknow]

There is no such thing as more than love. You will never find anything more complete than love. Clearly you have never experienced it, and neither has she, nor has her so called boyfriend as he doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with her even if that's not his favorite thing in the world, doing whatever it is with her should be enjoyable for him as well.

Some people were just not made for love. They live in their blissful lie they call love and that's enough for them. It's like trying to explain a computer to a chicken, just won't work. So, I'm not surprised why people talk about love like it's a recreational sport.

[smackie9]

Obviously you are bitter about something and you find this forum an outlet to badger others. Maybe you should seek out a forum that is more suitable for you.

[IQSnowyX]

He's trying to make a compromise here because he loves you. It's normal. He may feel uneasy, but he knows that he loves you enough to make you happy. Unless he is outright bitter and unhappy about this (which will show in his actions in time to come), you could give him a chance. If you realise he's still not open about the idea, maybe it's time to stay apart because eventually you will want someone who will share the same passion. Compromising can only work if both parties are happy in the long run, if not it will only be turned into resentment later.

[smackie9]

People are impulsive with their feelings at the beginning of most relationships. Little annoyances, lack of compatitility, and flaws are usually over looked because they are in love (or infactuated). After the honeymoon stage (6 months to a year and a half) the intense feelings settle down. She had a year to have the feelings disapate (or get over as she says)....now that the love fog has lifted, it makes sense to her that this probably wasn't a smart idea to pursue a reltionship with this person anyways. Timing can also play a factor as well. Maybe it's true she just wants a travel partner, but obviously it's not that important for her to have one becuase it's not going to stop her from her passion. She will go with or without.......she doesn't need to be "entertained".