Crossroads: Engagement or Break Up...Oustide opinions please.

[ThomasJefferson]

Been in a relationship with my girl for almost three years now. We have been living together for over a year now & we have two dogs so it feels like we are married already. The first year of our relationship was very rocky (in my opinion--she has been hearing wedding bells since the day we met) because I had to learn how to cope with a very insecure/jealous/low-self worth person. So I always felt like I was walking around on egg shells. Fast forward a couple years, and we don't fight nearly as much but I think it's because I've almost mentally withdrawn myself from the relationship and I've adapted to not doing anything that might trigger her insecurities. But this has come at the expense of me settling into a chronic state of content (that I'm not always pissing my gf off) with feelings of apathy & unhappiness about life mixed in. Anyway, the pressure is on BIG time to get engaged (well, she has been pressuring me for the last 2 years, but it's getting more intense) because we have plans to move long-distance in a few months. I have made up my mind that I won't take her along with me unless we are engaged--but problem is, I just can't get myself to do it. Marrying her means that I have to "agree" to never partake in the following activities (without her) which will result in immediate divorce: 1). go to a batchelor party 2). go to a strip club 3). watch porn 4). "guys nights out"--hitting up the bars with my friends at night and 5). Go on any overnight trips with my guy friends. I think (maybe she has brainwashed me) that each one of these are superficial & immature reasons to end a long-term relationship, but I can't help feeling resentment towards her for placing these restrictions on me. Therefore, I keep putting off the engagement. I've never given her a reason to not trust me. I try my best to make her feel loved, but she's not willing to budge on these issues--we've talked about it a lot. I know 3 years is a long time & it's time to man up & either get engaged or break up (would feel like a divorce)...but I keep thinking maybe someday, something will click in my brain and I'll realize I can live without these things and still be happy, but right now, marrying her is the last thing I want to do. She's extremely attractive, successful career, and is very loyal...so I don't want to pass up a good thing and live a life of regret. The pressure is on though....Any advice? Anybody been in this situation before?

[love_architect]

Been in a relationship with my girl for almost three years now. We have been living together for over a year now & we have two dogs so it feels like we are married already. The first year of our relationship was very rocky (in my opinion--she has been hearing wedding bells since the day we met) because I had to learn how to cope with a very insecure/jealous/low-self worth person.

So I always felt like I was walking around on egg shells. Fast forward a couple years, and we don't fight nearly as much but I think it's because I've almost mentally withdrawn myself from the relationship and I've adapted to not doing anything that might trigger her insecurities. But this has come at the expense of me settling into a chronic state of content (that I'm not always pissing my gf off) with feelings of apathy & unhappiness about life mixed in. Anyway, the pressure is on BIG time to get engaged (well, she has been pressuring me for the last 2 years, but it's getting more intense) because we have plans to move long-distance in a few months.

I have made up my mind that I won't take her along with me unless we are engaged--but problem is, I just can't get myself to do it. Marrying her means that I have to "agree" to never partake in the following activities (without her) which will result in immediate divorce:

1). go to a batchelor party
2). go to a strip club
3). watch porn
4). "guys nights out"-

-hitting up the bars with my friends at night and 5). Go on any overnight trips with my guy friends. I think (maybe she has brainwashed me) that each one of these are superficial & immature reasons to end a long-term relationship, but I can't help feeling resentment towards her for placing these restrictions on me. Therefore, I keep putting off the engagement. I've never given her a reason to not trust me.

I try my best to make her feel loved, but she's not willing to budge on these issues--we've talked about it a lot. I know 3 years is a long time & it's time to man up & either get engaged or break up (would feel like a divorce)...but I keep thinking maybe someday, something will click in my brain and I'll realize I can live without these things and still be happy, but right now, marrying her is the last thing I want to do. She's extremely attractive, successful career, and is very loyal...so I don't want to pass up a good thing and live a life of regret. The pressure is on though....Any advice? Anybody been in this situation before?

I think it's better now.

[Boisdevie]

End the relationship. It's forcing you to be somebody that you're not. YOu get married and you'll ruin your life.

[Saya]

If you have some kind of doubt, it isn't good...
You have to be really sure that you want to get engaged. Don't get engaged just because your gf is pressuring you and want this.
People should really get engaged if they really feel like to get engaged....not get forced into it. (This is why some people will get divorced)

In a few months time, you are going to be in a long-distance relationship....(For how long?)
I don't think this relationship would work out if you two did long-distance relationship....because she is insecure/jealous/low-self worth person.

I think this is depends on person, but you can still go out with guys/watch porn/bachelor party/going to strip club after getting married. But in your case, most likely....you won't able to do these things. I mean, are you doing these things at the moment?

I am not sure how old you are, but....
If you still want to have fun with your life, have more life experience then, don't get married because your most likely not ready.

[ThomasJefferson]

Thanks for the responses. I'm in my late 20s. I've made it through graduate school and have settled into a career so I feel like it's time to "Settle down" and that her list of "do not's" should not be high on my priority list but I cannot ignore that little sensor in my head that's telling me "red flag red flag". She tells me it's normal to get cold feet and to try & find ways out of the relationship, but without going on any other experiences...I feel like the metaphorical "ball & chain" is a little more intimidating in my situation. I'm not an alcoholic or addicted to porn, but there is something that just triggers resentment when somebody gives you an ultimatum or tries to tell you what you can & cannot do. It just sucks because I knew she was this way since the first day we started dating but fast forward 3 years and all of a sudden I have a problem with it. I feel like I owe it to her. I also feel like if we don't get engaged, I've wasted 3 years of my life & of her life...complicated.

[smackie9]

If I was standing there in front of you I would slapping some sense into you....but I'm in front of a computer so I will try to do it from here.

Your GF is a psycho. She has been pounding your dignity and self worth into the ground for the last 3 years to make sure you are weak enough not to resist marrying her. Dear dear, you gave her so much control and you are right once that ring is on you will be her slave......she is a crazy ass, desperate, mean, manipulative bitch.

Dude marriage doesn't have to be like that. I have been with my husband for over 22 years. He is still allowed and always has been allowed to do all those things.....because I trust him. I totally understand how guys view porn, it doesn't make me feel bad if he looks at it, or picks up a hustler when sitting on the can, or even makes comment about a woman on tv or someone he saw...don't matter to me. So you see, you are with the wrong person, there are liberal, nice women out there. She is full it of saying in time you will come to your sense and will marry her...she is a clueless twit.

You owe her f uck all. If this all makes you feel queasy and uneasy don't do it. You will regret it if you stay. When you know without any doubt you want to get married...that's when you know you are with the right person.....red flag is right, you are miserable, and it will only get worse, and you bet divorce will be in your future and man o man she is going to make you life even more of a f uckin hell.

[smackie9]

Thanks for the responses. I'm in my late 20s. I've made it through graduate school and have settled into a career so I feel like it's time to "Settle down" and that her list of "do not's" should not be high on my priority list but I cannot ignore that little sensor in my head that's telling me "red flag red flag". She tells me it's normal to get cold feet and to try & find ways out of the relationship, but without going on any other experiences...I feel like the metaphorical "ball & chain" is a little more intimidating in my situation. I'm not an alcoholic or addicted to porn, but there is something that just triggers resentment when somebody gives you an ultimatum or tries to tell you what you can & cannot do. It just sucks because I knew she was this way since the first day we started dating but fast forward 3 years and all of a sudden I have a problem with it. I feel like I owe it to her. I also feel like if we don't get engaged, I've wasted 3 years of my life & of her life...complicated.

You were in love and love makes you ignore all the waring signs.....now that the love fog has lifted you now see that it has turned into a mistake. You should not feel guilty for ignoring the red flags, you just hoped things would have changed over time, like most people do. I will tell you this, if you have issues now, they will become bigger when, you take on a mortgage, have children, have to increase your income and see nothing of it. She will be taking those pay checks and spending them, while you spend your allowance that she gives you on a 6 pack or beer and go hide in the garage because it's the only space you can call your own. Marriage will only work if you have a good balance of commitment and freedom. You must be able to have a life outside the relationship to go do your own thing. It keeps things fresh and healthy. She has the wrong idea of how marriage should be, and a lot of women like her do end up divorced and or cheated on.

3 years is nothing wasted compared to 10-15 years of marriage.

[Lily_of_Isles]

Marrying her will be a mistake. You say you're already withdrawn for the sake of keeping the peace with this volatile woman, so how do you think it'll be once you marry her and have further limitations on how you're able to live?

You've let her dominate you to the point where some aspects of the control she exercises over your mind remind me of emotionally abusive relationships - you should not be "walking on eggshells" around her. And unless you want to be walking on even more eggshells the rest of your life, you have to put your foot down about it. She doesn't trust you to even be out with your friends? If there is no trust, what makes this relationship marriage-worthy? What makes her worthy of being your wife if she's so insecure she has to treat you like a dog ona leash from the very beginning?

I mean, think about it. If she's like this now, what do you think will happen when she ages and has children. Will she be a graceful woman about it, or will she turn into an even more insecure monster?

You're a grown man, she can't tell you what to do. So you need to tell her that in order to get her marriage, she'd better get her head straight and get off your back.

[pisces25]

Wow. The fact you are even considering marrying this is beyond me. You know what you need to do, you just don't have the balls.

[smackie9]

Looks like the majority says....drum roll pleazzzz......break up!

[rappelz]

No matter what you choose, should know you need?

[searock]

Been in a relationship with my girl for almost three years now. We have been living together for over a year now & we have two dogs so it feels like we are married already. The first year of our relationship was very rocky (in my opinion--she has been hearing wedding bells since the day we met) because I had to learn how to cope with a very insecure/jealous/low-self worth person. So I always felt like I was walking around on egg shells.

Why did you even start a relationship with her? Not to mention moving in with her...

Fast forward a couple years, and we don't fight nearly as much but I think it's because I've almost mentally withdrawn myself from the relationship and I've adapted to not doing anything that might trigger her insecurities. But this has come at the expense of me settling into a chronic state of content (that I'm not always pissing my gf off) with feelings of apathy & unhappiness about life mixed in. Anyway, the pressure is on BIG time to get engaged (well, she has been pressuring me for the last 2 years, but it's getting more intense) because we have plans to move long-distance in a few months.

You should have made up your mind earlier, instead of waiting and waiting. Now you are about to decide what to do ONLY because something external has happened, otherwise you would still be right there stringing her along. It's nobody's fault if you two are incompatible, but you should have done the decent thing and broken up with her as soon as you realized that a) you were miserable in the relationship, b) you weren't able to give her what she wanted/needed (getting engaged and married). There is no point to stay in a relationship because of inertia.

I have made up my mind that I won't take her along with me unless we are engaged--but problem is, I just can't get myself to do it.

Then don't do it!! You should be ecstatic at the thought of marrying the love of your life, you shouldn't have to "get yourself to do it". Get out!

Marrying her means that I have to "agree" to never partake in the following activities (without her) which will result in immediate divorce:
1). go to a batchelor party
2). go to a strip club
3). watch porn
4). "guys nights out"--hitting up the bars with my friends at night and
5). Go on any overnight trips with my guy friends.

I think (maybe she has brainwashed me) that each one of these are superficial & immature reasons to end a long-term relationship

She's perfectly right of course, but then, *she* would be the one who breaks up with you right? So basically she is saying that she is superficial and immature... anyway, to be fair, I also wouldn't like it at all if my boyfriend went to a strip club - or to a bachelor party involving strippers. The other three things are perfectly normal (for a guy and a girl) IMO.

Therefore, I keep putting off the engagement. [...] I know 3 years is a long time & it's time to man up & either get engaged or break up (would feel like a divorce)...but I keep thinking maybe someday, something will click in my brain and I'll realize I can live without these things and still be happy, but right now, marrying her is the last thing I want to do. She's extremely attractive, successful career, and is very loyal...so I don't want to pass up a good thing and live a life of regret. The pressure is on though....Any advice? Anybody been in this situation before?

Get a pair and break up, you should have done it years ago. Have you seriously been putting it off because she's "extremely attractive", rich and doesn't cheat? Do you honestly think those three things alone are good enough reasons to stay in a relationship with someone so utterly incompatible with you? You've wasted 4 years of your life.

[VincenzoG91]

Thomas Jefferson, run for your life! Run NOW! You will never be happy with this woman. She is a ball-busting control freak.

And that list of five things that she won't let you do? I've been in three serious long-term relationships in the course of my life, and all three of those women didn't have a list like that. In fact, at least two out of three of them watched porn with me, and the third probably would have done so if I ever brought it up.

[heartonmysleeve]

I'm going to assume that since you have been with this girl for 3 years you must have some things that you see in her and love.

If she is so insecure - what do you do to ease that pain from her? If she needs affirmations, do you tell her you love her, that she is pretty, or thank her for the things that she does? It can be tough to do that, when like you said you feel worried you will set her off, or maybe you don't desire to feed into it but I feel like you would be surprised at home much someone can change when they are getting what they need and feel loved.

As for the things you have to "agree" to never do if you get married - are these things you compromised on? Or is this an ultimatum? If this is a conversation you want to have with your girlfriend, and want to continue to be with her I suggest you say your open to discussing those things, but only open to it if you come to a compromise in the middle. It isn't fair for her to tell you what to do, and everyone deserves to be heard. It would be better for you to both come to a compromise that is realistic, then for you to "agree" to things that she is telling you not to do.

If you aren't sure about your relationship I suggest you give to your relationship, and try to make it work. If you know you will never marry her - save her some time and end it. She will appreciate it in the long run and it shows respect and maturity.

[ThomasJefferson]

To clarify, in no way am I implying that I am the victim. 2 sides to every story. The reason I'm having such a difficult time with this is because I more or less verbally agreed to enter a relationship with her according to her standards (on our first date she laid it out black and white on exactly the kinds of things she was ok with and not ok with). By me not running the other direction (I did say she was borderline crazy), she realized I agreed to her terms and has latched on ever since. Looking back, I was just going along with it because I was incredibly physically attracted to her and rather than getting out early...i let the relationship progress--HUGE mistake but hindsight is always 20:20. She's the kind of girl that knows exactly what she wants and I'm much more happy-go-lucky so it's just been a whirlwind going from serious milestone to the next when my gut is telling me to get out. I feel like since we started dating--she has been sprinting forward dragging me along by the hand. Because I was raised more conservatively, I didn't want to live together before marriage--but next thing I know she is convincing me to let her move in with me. I made it very clear I didn't want a dog while living in a high rise condo--next thing I know she buys me a german shepherd puppy for my graduation. So I do share my feelings with her but it's almost like she tests me and does things she wants anyway and apparently I suck at putting my foot down. She already has the name of our "future kids" picked out and told me yesterday that she knows exactly the kind of house we are going to live in and how it's going to be decorated. I get the mancave--that's it. I kind of called her out on it saying I would like to be included in this kind of planning and she said she knows I would like it because she has good taste. I know to everybody on the outside this all sounds crazy, but when you are with somebody for 3 years, you start to think this is how relationships normally function. I almost compare it to Stockholm Syndrome as if early on, I knew everything was crazy--but 3 years worth of manipulation and stomping on my dignity--I don't even know the person I used to be--or why I even want out at this point--like I said I have adapted and its complicated. Next on her list--something she has been working on for the past year--has been to convince me to marry her. Once I knew in my heart that I didn't want to spend my life with her--I started to be more vague whenever we would talk about the future--trying my best to limit the amount of false promises I told her. I really did see a lot of good qualities in her and thought if I was patient enough, I could help her work through her insecurities so she could finally learn the art of being in a healthy trust-laden relationship that didn't involve being attached at the hip and feelings of paranoia about cheating. But clearly I was unsuccessful so now with this imminent long-distance move, it's the perfect time to get out. And yes, searock--I'm man enough to admit all the points you raised are 100% true. I really wished I would have grew a pair a long time ago to break things off but that whole "maybe things will change" mentality is what strings relationships along.

So to shift the topic, any tips on how to pull off a successful breakup? I'm scared to death of how 1). she'll cope with it & 2). I'll cope with it. We live together and guys at her work are constantly spitting game at her so I know she'll try to make me jealous. She also has a short fuse. When you are with somebody for 3 years, have dogs, and live together...it feels like a divorce--not a break up. That's why this shit is so hard to do...