My Boyfriend is Oblivious

[heartache1101]

Hello,
I am new and really don't use forums but I am seeking advice for my relationship. My boyfriend of almost 1 year and I have reached a critical point in our relationship and he just doesn't understand me. I don't know how to get him to understand my point of view so I wanted a male's point of view about our issue. I'll try to make this short:
The other day I planned the perfect day for us and everything was going well. At the end of the day he switched the plans up which ended with an argument and we never went to dinner as we planned. I went home with him in hopes that we could make things better between us, so in the car I was very frustrated with how the day ended after planning for a great day. I expressed that to him and ended up crying and just telling him I was sorry for even arguing and getting upset. I guess I was expecting him to say something comforting but the only thing he said was, "I'm sorry to hear that." ..Nothing more, nothing less. It really bothers me sometimes how emotionless he is and comes off. It made me feel even worse/stupid that I told him what was wrong because that was all that he said. Before going to bed, I was crying again because of how he was acting like he didn't care. He said that my emotions were overwhelming him because he was stressed out. He said that I need to get my emotions under control and let the day be over with.. I did just that, I took my ass to bed. Then the next day he wakes me up with kisses and music and breakfast saying that he was having a good morning. and i was like F*CK YOU! All last night he was a douchebag and didn't give 2 sh*ts about how I felt, and today he wants to act like nothing's wrong since he's in a "good mood" He talked to him mom all day about how I'm stressing him out and he told me to talk to my mom so I could get advice and stop "tripping." WTF I love this man to death but I am really considering breaking up with him today. He is so oblivious to how mean and emotionless he comes off and literally doesn't understand a word I say. when i tell him how I feel, he just finds a reason to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way and wants me to move on. I literally just can't talk to him anymore..
Guys, what in the hell can I do to get him to understand? Or is it really just all my fault about how I've been feeling..??

[VincenzoG91]

Guys are discouraged from expressing strong emotions aside from happiness and anger. It's the way we are socialized from an early age. Some of us are able to express our feelings openly anyway, without concern for being judged. The rest of us are heterosexual. How old is this guy? Young guys can be particularly guarded about their feelings.

[Cerby]

This is one of those "Why doesn't my partner act exactly like I want them to" posts.

Sounds like your incompatibilities are starting to show, you're an emotionally based person (aka "crazy") and he is a normal guy (aka "normal"). I'm going to guess a lot of your ideas about the perfect day were left to him to read your mind about it, and very little was communicated until you were crying in the car. He probably didn't know wtf was going on up until that point, and wasn't really getting enough to work with, so he just brushed it off. That is how most guys work, if it doesn't make sense, then ignore it and it should go away.

Have you tried communicating fully with him about what was wrong?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think the issue here is how he deals with her feelings. I get the sense that she acts like this frequently, which would explain the, "I'm sorry to hear that". When I don't give a **** about what a girl is feeling(usually when she's bitching at me over something miniscule), I respond with, "I'm sorry you feel that way".

You're not going to get him to understand, because he really just doesn't care. He either never cared, or you have worn him down to a point where he doesn't care. The fact that you woke up still pissed off about it, tells me that you probably get emotional/argumentative frequently, and he is probably over it.

[smackie9]

You sound young and young girls still don't get that you have to learn to be flexable, adapt and realize that getting all emotional because you didn't have it your way is a waste of energy. Mature women figure it out that if the old man isn't into dinner or whatever, you go find something else to do.

You need to stop being so dependent on him to entertain you. Find a life outside the relationship and gain some independence and stop taking his moods personally. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill all the time it's no wonder there is friction in your relationship.

If you both are getting on each other's nerves that means you are spending way too much time with each other or you are incompatible.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Or is it really just all my fault about how I've been feeling..??

Of course it is - you cried three times and yelled at him the next morning because your dinner didn't go as planned, get some ****ing perspective.

[searock]

Sometimes small things can trigger strong emotional responses, that can be actually painful no matter how absurd it may seem from the outside. Anyway, I don't think she cried because of the dinner per se, but because he didn't even *try* to understand her. Just because he didn't understand the reason she was crying doesn't mean that it was ok for him to not care at all, or ignore it.

OP, you fail at communication. He clearly doesn't understand emotions, so you need to talk to him calmly. No tears, no silent treatment, no yelling. Just tell him that if you get emotional, he needs to be comforting, regardless of the fact that he understands the reason or not. This is clearly what you need, and if you don't tell him, the relationship is basically over (he certainly won't understand it on his own). He is likely not going to do it anyway, but at least you will have tried.

I think your biggest mistake in this particular situation was to yell at him in the morning. He was probably trying to "make up" for last evening, and you blew the opportunity to make peace and clear things out in a calm, sweet way.

[heartache1101]

Oh wow. At first I was kind of upset reading you guys posts because my girlfriends kind of told me the opposite, and that he was wrong. But I really wanted male perspectives since you guys think differently and Its hard for me to understand guys sometimes. I'm trying to relate with what you guys said (even though you said it quite harsh :<) But I really Love this guy and want to be something with him in the future. Yea we're young, He's 20, I'm 18. So I'm trying to see it from your perspectives and I'm not as angry anymore. So I really don't know what to do now because we're kind of pissed at each other now... Any advice (Minus the rudeness, i'm kind of sensitive but trying)

[HeartIsAching]

In that case, knock off with the passive-aggressive crap. Don't expect he'll get "hints". Don't expect that he's going to be able to read your ****ing mind. Instead try communicating your wants and needs to him.

If it's not ok that he change dinner plans, freaking SAY SO. I'd lay money on him going along with if if you do.

[Maple1714]

Oh wow. At first I was kind of upset reading you guys posts because my girlfriends kind of told me the opposite, and that he was wrong. But I really wanted male perspectives since you guys think differently and Its hard for me to understand guys sometimes. I'm trying to relate with what you guys said (even though you said it quite harsh :<) But I really Love this guy and want to be something with him in the future. Yea we're young, He's 20, I'm 18. So I'm trying to see it from your perspectives and I'm not as angry anymore. So I really don't know what to do now because we're kind of pissed at each other now... Any advice (Minus the rudeness, i'm kind of sensitive but trying)

Just try not to get so emotional. It makes guys uncomfortable and then they just tend to shut down. I remember I used to act this way sometimes to my boyfriend when I was 17/18...and he would just sit there. You will grow out of this behavior hopefully. All the above advice is really good so there isn't much else to say....just really do try to get control of your emotional outbursts. Wouldn't you rather just be happy and have a good time? Go with the flow....plans change sometimes. You also need to learn how to compromise...maybe listen to what he is saying about how he feels as well....your in a relationship, it's a 2 way street.

[heartache1101]

And we do spend A LOT of time together since we go to the same college.. so that may be a small prob as well... But i do try my best to keep him happy, and he is besides my occasional blow ups :/

[heartache1101]

Okay.. will do! I'm always working on myself, this is my 2nd real relationship so I'm just trying to learn as much as I can while I can... Thanks everyone I will take all your words into deep consideration.. even the mean ones lol

[Maple1714]

Okay.. will do! I'm always working on myself, this is my 2nd real relationship so I'm just trying to learn as much as I can while I can... Thanks everyone I will take all your words into deep consideration.. even the mean ones lol

Are you an only child? I am and boy did it take me a long time to be ok with not getting my way lol. I realized that I need a lot of alone time and time to do things that make me happy....outside of any relationship. Space is good! So make sure you are taking time just for you.

[smackie9]

So I pegged it, you are young. Tip: Guys like their space if he wants it let him have it. Second crying and having tantrums may have worked on daddy, but it doesn't work in the real world. Like HeartIsAching mentioned, you need to communicate directly. I still say you need to be more flexible with changes...it's life and it happens. And this "I do my best to make him happy" has undertones of self entitlement....just because you do a good deed, you can't expect it all the time to have it returned. It's all about just letting things go, stop sweating the small stuff, and not let things eat at you for days. Get a hobby or an interest that gives you time away from him. Trust me it will make things better.

[Cerby]

But i do try my best to keep him happy...

THIS is a problem, it isn't up to you to "keep him happy", this is a statement that leads to co-dependancy if I've ever seen one. He is responsible for his own happiness, just as you are yours. If he isn't happy in a relationship with you just being you, then the whole thing is a sham anyways.

Just be yourself, don't take things so seriously, and make sure you're keeping YOURSELF happy. Blowing up at him is not exactly a stop on the road to happiness.