I've hurt her unbelievably and i'm so confused

[m313]

OK i'm going to try and keep this story as brief as possible but it's fairly complicated so bear with me. Im so upset and confused and hate myself for what i've done and genuinely don't know what to do for the best.

I've been with my partner for exactly 5 years. She is the most amazingly kind, considerate and beautiful person you could wish to meet. I work in the creative industry and, i'm very easy going and laid-back but extremely outgoing. Im 36 and she is 30. We are complete opposites - i've spent my life living in the moment and she is constantly planning. We have both gone through some depression - her before me and me during the course of our relationship. We have a very complex relationship - we absolutely adore and love each other to the end of the earth but at the same time, as spend a lot of the time being together clashing really badly, me trying to sort of conform to "normality" to please her, and her pulling her hair out at the way i approach life. She has a temper and I hate arguments of any sort and takes a lot to get me going (and i'm really "good" at them when i do which makes it even worse…if that makes any sense). She has been a total rock for me throughout our relationship…i have the most amazing parents and family but had lost my way with them and she has been without partents since she was 17 really, so we have come together and she has helped me find them again which is great. i've spent a lot of it having little money causing a lot of strain on us (but neither of us are materialistic). This year things started to really turn round for me (career wise) and i'm working very hard to get myself strong and in a good career position.

She has always always wanted kids and i never have, A year into our relationship she fell pregnant and we had a termination - I didn't handle it well at all when the news broke and eventually came round but she suggested it and we discussed having kids later on which I genuinely want to do with her and felt that it was something that I would definitely want given time).

At the start of our relationship, i was still getting over my ex of 7 years and used to Email her (totally as friends - she had moved on and I obviously hadn't had closure) and when my girl found out it caused a lot of hurt. Neither of us have cheated.

We got married in New York last Christmas.

The children issue has been a constant thing with us - as time went on, i warmed to the idea (more because I didn't have a choice - the idea scares me to death for a number of reasons, but i did genuinelystart thinking about it whereas before i had never ever done that), and we kept putting it off (90% of the time as I wasn't ready) until this year where she, probably very rightly gave me an ultimatum and said we have a baby or we split. I didn't want to lose her so that was it. Since the abortion, my libido has been non existent and we hardly ever have sex, which isn't great for her at all. We think it could be subconsciously lined to what happened and I know that since the ultimation its got worse for me.

We are both very up and down on our relationship - for a long time, till the summer i was totally positive about us making it, like no question. She was the same although she has been less positive at times. Saying that, we have had constant issues and fights. Im told constantly to "grow up" and that i "Need to be with someone else who is younger and more like me". Those are the 2 most constant things in our relationship i am told. I am young for my age, its the way i am, my parents are too, and I do have responsibility issues, which she absolutely doesn't because she moved out of home aged 17 and is fiercely independent. It causes a lot of issues and I totally see her side of things. I cant say much at all bad about her, although she doesn't ever seem to listen and understand my point of view on things. She explodes with rage in an argument and I totally close up and when I do try and speak but she jumps on me after half a sentence and i cant finish what i'm saying which doesn't work for anyone.

Despite everything we absolutely love each other so much, that has never ever been a question, seriously infatuated with each other. But our relationship just isn't easy in any way.

OK here's what happened. I have been getting very close to a girl I have known for a couple of years, just as friends, but we are exactly the same in every way its scary. We work together in a capacity which is where we met and 99% of our "relationship" played out. We met up 6 weeks ago for a drink in the day and we kissed. We texted a lot and last week my partner found the texts and is understandably crushed. Like absolutely devastated. I don't know why or how i let it happen, In my head the 2 relationships aren't connected (sounds strange), but its only dawned on me the last few days this other girl fits the description of the girl my wife says i should be with (a lot younger and more like me). Anyway, I have no excuse whatsoever for what I did, i should never ever have let it get that far and it did and ive ruined my wifes life and my life too.

The last 12 days has been terrible. I've moved out, we decided that we would have a break of a week to clear our heads and then talk after that. She has been texting me all day every day and night and calling a bit as well since then…it started angrily, then the last 5 days or so its all ok, she is dealing with it and she is basically saying she wants me to make a go of it again. We have been getting on really really well chatting but I have a feeling that we may just be too good friends now. She has suggested this as well but last night said she thinks its just that we stopped paying attention to each other. I just don't know what to do for the best. It would be so easy to just beg her back (ad she has asked me a lot why i'm not), but she doesn't forgive and forget well at all, and I just think it'll and up causing more heartbreak and pain. This is a huge life defining thing that has happened and Im so so confused as whats best to do.

My heart says yes go for it but my head is saying its not a good idea. We were supposed to not talk to clear our heads and that hasn't happened. We were initially supposed to meet up tonight (when we decided last week to), but i have been away a few times with work, and literally haven't had any time to clear my head (i have had insomnia for a few years by the way and this week its been awful). Im like a walking zombie and she has had time to get her head clear (she had last week off work) and really wants this to work. We are now meeting on Monday but she is still texting me and I just cant get away and get clear. She is being nice and we are friendly but its not helping but i cant find it in me to be firm with her. And she literally just texted me then to say she needs to know whats happening and wants to meet on Sunday. I just haven't had time for it to even sink in yet, and I know i'm being unfair but I don't know what do do for the best.

All she has ever wanted from me is a home, a family, and to see me more. I feel like over let her down totally, ruined her life, ruined my life and let everyone down.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I love her so much and care for her. I hate myself for all this and im so sorry.

I just don't even know what i'm thinking any more, and im scared whatever I do will be wrong. Anything you guys can suggest or point out would be a help as i'm on my own here pretty much.

Thanks so much for any advice, whether its good or bad. I don't deserve it but I do appreciate it.

[Wakeup]

You "don't know how or why this happened?" I'll tell you then. You're a hot mess. Get out of one relationship before starting another. Impossible for you because you're Peter Pan who has never grown up and you're scared to death to be on your own (without a mommmy figure) for more than 10 mins. Have you ever thought about learning to live on your own before jumping into yet another relationship and thinking you have everyting in common when you don't even effing know her or have had the time or clearance to figure out if this is just "new relationship energy." You base such things as "NRE" as having actual feelings. NRE will dissipate as life gets in the way and you have more than just your illicit trysts to base your (false) feelings on.. that is why you NEVER should move in with someone during the honeymoon stage... you need to wait and see if you can live day to day with stresses and when the ugly starts to emerge in the two of you. New girl doesn't know how dependent a person you are, yet. You've not spent enough time to see if either of your actions match your fantasy words to one another.

With your depression, insomnia, codependency, fear of being alone, need for instant gratification and apparent fear of anything to do with being a capable adult who actually knows what he wants from life... have you ever seen a therapist for all this hot mess that is you? Don't even think that one week break will fix what is wrong with you, your wife and your marriage. You need a professional third party personal therapist (for both of you) and/or marriage councelling or this mess will never resolve. Neither one of you have the skills to fix this so that you're both content and anxiety free.

Get the help from an impartial third part before you do anything. You're having a breakdown because you do not have any coping skills as a single person... or so it seems.

[m313]

Thanks for your reply, i really appreciate you taking the time.

A coupe of points:

Im not even considering anything with the new girl - we have not contacted each other since and won't. Im confused and scared about what to do about my marriage for the best. I have issues and so does our marriage and with her wanting it sorted one way or another this weekend I have a very tough decision to make. And yes it does come down to that now, she has laid it on the table.

Also, I went to see a therapist last night. I have been in the past when we had issues before and it helped. This therapist is more hardcore than my old one and what you said about me is all a part of me and unfortunately true. I am going to have weekly sessions from now on and I am determined to sort my head out whatever happens with us.

I just wish I knew what to do. I keep feeling she deserves so much more and better than what I can offer just now and I don't want to cause any more heartbreak. I just miss her so much and i know its been made worse because of the constant texts etc ever since but its hard not to reply to her.

[Wakeup]

It's good you're in therapy... try to stick with it but if you're not connecting with your therapist then don't be afraid to fire him/her and get another that you're more comfortable with.

I think that you letting your wife know that you are trying to resolve your own issues by doing something tangible by getting therapy will let her know that you're serious in resolving problems within your union. Don't be afraid to ask her what ACTIONS (words are useless, really) she's taking to resolve her own issues. it takes two to make or break a relationship afterall.

Good luck, m313. Let us know how you're doing once you're feeling more confident.