Rebound: Am I being used, or is this something real?

[Mella]

I wasn't sure which thread to put this under because I'm new here! Sorry if this doesn't' have to do with "breakups" exactly, but it sort of does.

History:

• I met this guy at a party in the beginning of October. Well we talked and I got the feeling that he liked me, so I reciprocated the feelings and we've been seeing each other since (for 2 weeks now). We cuddle, kiss, go on dates, etc. I see him on the weekends mostly
• Well, through friends I heard that he recently got out of a 2.5 year relationship with a girl he was madly in love with. For the past 6 months they were really on-off (fighting mostly and not giving each other space) up until September. They didn't talk for all of September, and in this time he was telling his roommates how much he still loves her and how much he misses her and how beautiful/brilliant/funny she was. In the beginning of October, she contacted him and they got into a huge fight and she ended up calling him bad names. And again, he was hurt (and maybe for the last time?). This was a few days before he met me. She kept hurting him because she felt pressured to have sex and didn't want to until marriage...and he became very bitter about this. But they still loved/cared about each other a lot despite fighting over this topic.
• So I don't know if it's a good idea for me to be seeing him like this? He VERY BRIEFLY talked about her to me. He didn't say anything good or bad. It was just neutral. He said their relationship was strongly emotional and less physical. He doesn't know I know so much about her...but girls talk lol..and I've been told a lot of things from girlfriends.

Reasons I think I might be a rebound:
1. He hasn't labeled our relationship....he doesn't want to. He wants to see "where things go" and says he's still just "getting to know me" and he doesn't call me his girlfriend. But we go on dates and are physical. My friend asked him if I was a rebound and he said "no, I am not a rebounder type of guy" (but then again, does anyone admit to that?). Then she asked if he really liked me and if this could get serious and he said "I like her but I'm just getting to know her so I don't know what the future holds and I don't want to label anything." When asked if I was being used as a replacement he said no. But he apparently wasn't even sure that he liked me until I reciprocated the feelings back, and then he asked me out. Before that he was iffy about his feelings for me. So is he only with me because I am not much work and he gets the physical benefit??

2. Also, I doubt he is over his girlfriend. I asked if he was over her and he said "I don't know" and "let's not talk about this". I heard he recently told her that they shouldn't see each other at all, and that she has really hurt him, and they only have a future as friends. He thinks they'll never get back together, and "that chapter of his life is over"...but I don't know if he's only saying this out of anger/frustration and lack-of-space or he actually means it. I don't know if this is out of respect for me, or for himself. I asked if he'd ever speak to her again and he said "yeah, in the future, I'm just too afraid of fighting with her again right now". So is he only with me because he's afraid of fighting with her?

3. He is not very close with his family (his parents divorced a year ago and the dynamic is really bad in his house). He doesn't talk much with his guy friends/roommates because he is generally quiet. So I think he needs to fill the void his ex used to fill...

In the time him and his ex were taking a "break" (in September) he had the opportunity of hooking up with 2 random girls at a bar. He said he was "emotionally unavailable" when they hit on him. But he hasn't said that to me...so that means he IS emotionally available for me, right?? Or does he only think he's emotionally available because they got into that fight in October and that "confirmed" things for him and I AM a rebound? Yeah I like how thing are going now, like we're casually seeing each other, but obviously I want a real relationship and don't want to get hurt. I don't know if this'll fizzle out in a couple months...

[Wakeup]

My advice; He's not completely over her yet and you're a soft place to land at this point in the game. You've invested far more in him then he has in you by all accounts and you shouldn't be investing so much in this short period of time whether he's rebounding or not. Back off a bit and keep your friends and your hobbies near. Don't make him your everything because he (at this point) isn't making you his so take it one day at a time and even date others if you two haven't voiced being exclusive with one anther yet. Have you asked for exclusivity?

[Mella]

Well it's only been 2 weeks....we've kissed and and stuff, but I haven't asked for exclusivity because I don't want to scare him away and don't know him that well yet. So no. We haven't voiced being exclusive with each other yet. I briefly mentioned it and he said he "doesn't like putting a label on things"...what ever that means....

[Mella]

I can't exactly "date others" as I'm not much of a looker myself. I'm not being self-depricating but just being honest. I saw a pic of his ex and she's GORGEOUS.

[Wakeup]

Well it's only been 2 weeks....we've kissed and and stuff, but I haven't asked for exclusivity because I don't want to scare him away and don't know him that well yet. So no. We haven't voiced being exclusive with each other yet. I briefly mentioned it and he said he "doesn't like putting a label on things"...what ever that means....

Oh hell just dump him now before you're the filler until his virgin bride to be is ready to give it up. Don't have sex with him until he gives you want YOU want first.(at the very least, that should be exclusivity) Do you even know what you want? If you do then ask for it. If you don't then you better figure that out.

[Mella]

But if he says they will NEVER work out, and they only have a future as friends, what does it matter if she will be ready to give it up? He also says he's very busy right now and doesn't have time for a committed relationship but he "enjoys the time he spends with me." I feel like he is too nice to be using me. He makes the future very unclear and when I ask him about a relationship he said he "doesn't know" and is still just "getting to know me" and "doesn't like labels". I stop asking when he answers with those answers because I don't want to be too pushy. I do know what I want though...I eventually want a relationship. Obviously I am not going to invest my time in something that will only be temporary...it's so hard to communicate with a man who is so reserved and has a hot ex-gf that he still talks highly about to his friends.

[Wakeup]

Then do what you want.

All I'm saying to you is that if you want to make sure if he values you, then you'll ask for what you want when you're ready to have sex with him. If he still hedges, still won't give you a solid answer or at the very least, give you sexual exclusivity then you'll be doin a guy that isn't ready to be in a relationship with YOU. Just be aware of that and don't expect your sex will make him your boyfriend.

You don't know what you want and you're afraid to ask for it. He calls all the shots when you don't have the confidence to ask for what you want and leave if he won't give it to you.

Your gut is telling you that you need to be careful because he's rebounding. Don't ignore your gut.

[smackie9]

Once you spread you legs for him he is sure to forget about her very quickly.


A way to a man's heart is through his penis....go for it.

[Mella]

Very true. Thanks so much. I guess I'll have to see how things go from here!

[Mella]

Ahh I jut got very contradicting advice. You're saying I should sleep with him to keep him, and the OP said to keep him I shouldn't sleep with him.

A penis is a way to man's heart, eh? (and he's a virgin because his ex was one so this may be very true).

[smackie9]

Virgins seem to think they have to set it all up as a magical moment....what a waste of time. They put sex up on a pedestal, which is stupid. Sex is just sex, and is no big deal. He may hold out a bit longer to see if she will be the one, but I'm sure with some flirting, his hormones will take over and say fu ck it.

[Mella]

The sex or not sex thing isn't my problem really. My problem is I don't want things to fade out in a couple months. Right now our convos are superficial and not really beneath-the-surface. They're just very "Hooraay look how great we're getting along and look we have stuff in common. Yaaay!!" So my problem is am I a rebound or not? I'd be hurt if I found out I was the rebound whether we have sex or not.

I could have sex with him tomorrow and still be hurt in 2 months. And I could have sex with him in 2 months and still feel hurt in 4 months when he thinks "oh just kidding. I said we could have a relationship but we can't". AKA does he like me for me, OR does he like me because I'm NOT his ex? Because his ex and I are very opposite. She is a medical student, a thin European brunette who won pageant titles, and she is really social and outgoing. I'm more reserved, guys don't normally hit on me, I am very short and blonde, and I'm an English major (something me and this guy have in common). Me and his ex are completely opposite and I hope he doesn't like me JUST because I am not her. I hope he likes me for....me.

[smackie9]

Dating is unpredictable. There is no way of telling if things will work out or not. You like this guy, give it a shot. You cannot prevent heartbreak...if it happens it happens oh well you better suck it up princess because that's the way life is.

[Mella]

Haha. I find your tough attitude comforting in an odd way. Thanks

[smackie9]

Rule of thumb, don't invest your feelings until you see things progress from him.....don't ever wait for him to "catch up" or hope things will get better. If it doesn't feel right, get out. Right now the dude is adjusting to not being with her. So it's just a little too soon to see any results. Stop worrying about it, just enjoy his company. Who knows you may find him not the guy you thought he was and he turned out to be a dud.