i need advice..... girl trouble.

[amadeus]

ok here's my issue..... i'm currently seeing this chick i've been friends with for several years now. she may be leaving to move to kansas city in a month or so and when we were talking the other day i told her that while it isn't what i wanted and i don't want it to change anything between us between now and when she goes, when she goes that's where it has to end with us. she says "you don't it'll work?" i tell her "i dunno but i'm not gonna try and force it over the distance of 2000+ miles."

all is good i assume and as i'm leaving i go to kiss her and she won't let me. i'm thinking she's just playing and i tell her "i'm not going till i get a kiss." she says "i'm not kissing you. i dunno if my heart is in it and i'm not kissing you until i know for sure." this of course frustrates me and she's all "don't be mad." we then go into another conversation and she aks me, "do you wanna be with me or do you just wanna be with me to be with someone and you've put in more time with me?" we get things kinda worked out as much as we're gonna and i leave....

now a few days later i'm thinking to myself that none of this makes any sense!? it kinda seems to me that now she's just trying to keep herself from possibly getting hurt. after i tell her it ends with us when she leaves she decides she can't kiss me anymore and she asks me, "do you wanna be with me or do you just wanna be with me to be with someone and you've put in more time with me?".... i dunno it just seems too coincidental that all this would come out right after i said it ends when she leaves.

whattaya think??

take into account that this is a girl who i've been close friends with for about 4 years now. we've been thru alot of ggod times and some bad. one so bad that she almost stopped talking to me (and honestly she'd have been in full rights to do so). we have alot to risk by even attempting to go down this road and i think it kinda scares her. it does scare me.... but we've been going back and forth like this for almost as long as we've known each opther. she's also had a habit of dating people that she has complete control over the relationship. she gets to say when and where it ends. she doesn't take advantage of that power but she has it. not so with me.... not totally. and i think it scares her. anyway.... thoughts? advice?

[Only-virgins]

I think it should be forced on this site to say were you are from. One thing that someone writes will remind me of something/someone around here and I am going crazy to make sure its not that person. I am from now on not giving advice to anyone who doesnt place at least what state or country they are in. It wouldn't kill you and no one will stalk you people....really.they wont.

[Prodigal]

Umm... okay Only-virgins. Sounds like a security problem within yourself; maybe you should start your own thread about it or something. But saying it to some guy who came here and is looking for some advice.. sounds pretty selfish to me. You could have, at the least, just sent this guy a P.M. and asked if he was this 'person around here'.

Pertaining to the actual topic, amadeus, maybe she got scared when you said the truth. You're really not sure if it would work, and it's true. I think that breaking those news to her is shattering, even though she probably knows it herself. Long distance relationships are a hell of a lot of commitment, even if you've been in a relationship for years. It's so much different when it becomes long distance, and being used to her actually being there, it's going to be a hard adjustment. And that is if you actually go through it and try to make the adjustment.

She probably lulled herself into thinking it would work, and everything would be fine despite the distance. Your words knocked her out of it, although she knew what you said was true all along. I think you did the right thing. As for her reaction... that's up to her. Half of me says that it may stay like this. But the other half then says that she'll talk to you after a couple days. Doesn't sound like she has much control to me; in fact, it seems as if you have control. She probably thought it would work out because she wanted it to. And I think you can deduce from that what it means about how she feels about you. But being faced with the cold, hard truth, words must turn into actions or fade away forever.

I think you should think about this. What do you think about trying? Is she worth it to keep going on even if she's so far away? If you're not sure, is she at least worth a try? A real try? If so, tell her this and make it clear. Tell her that you love her enough to give it your all, but that you can't promise anything. It's all up to you, man.

[misombra]

geez prod i swear you take the words right out of my mouth... anyway...

it kinda seems to me that now she's just trying to keep herself from possibly getting hurt.

i think you hit the nail on the head with this one.

[amadeus]

the thing is i really wanna be with this girl. i mean i REALLY DO. the odd thing to me is that after 4 years of her constantly (at least verbally) saying no, we've come to this when she's probablly leaving soon. there have been times over the years that we've kissed, made out, or whatever but she always said it wasn't a good idea becuz of various reasons (i had relationship issues, and we worked together). now this..... there is a possibility of me going back to iowa for school and to be closer to my family and if i did it would put me in driving distance (1-3 hours depending on who you believe) of her and we could see where this leads. she did ask me when i brought up the possibility "what happens if we evolve into something more? wouldn't you wanna be together more?" i told her "probably but let's take it one step at a time." and that i wasn't looking that far ahead.....

[amadeus]

nevermind..... edited.

[Only-virgins]

Umm... okay Only-virgins. Sounds like a security problem within yourself; maybe you should start your own thread about it or something. But saying it to some guy who came here and is looking for some advice.. sounds pretty selfish to me. You could have, at the least, just sent this guy a P.M. and asked if he was this 'person around here'.

What-ever.

[amadeus]

***update***

ok so i went over to talk to her and told her what i thought and explained that i thought the timing was odd. i asked her if it was (her backing off) becuz i told her it was gonna have to end. she said no it was something she'd been thinking about for a few days. i told her i didn't believe her and then i asked if she wasn't leaving would she still have backed off? she said probably but she might have given it more time. basically i told her in the end i didn't buy it and that if she was being truthful then it means all the stuff that's been going on between us over the last couple years makes me feel like i was being jerked around. (thru all this i didn't tell her i'd decided to go back to iowa which puts me within a couple hours of her)

i told her if she's being truthful then so be it.... that's life but i needed to get her out of my system then. she says "so we're not friends anymore?" i say "no that's not it. you know if you ever need me i'll be there, but i need time to get over you." she says' but you'll be out of my life.i don't wanna lose you completely" i say "for a lil while, but i'll be back in time." she says "you know that's not true." after a lil more of this i got up to leave.... as i open the door she suddenly says "i think it has more to do with me leaving than anything else." i then tell her that i'm going to back to iowa and we can give it a chance and see how it works. i go over to her an tell her "if things don't work that's life. but i don't want it to be cuz i was afraid or cuz i didn't try." we sat there in silence for awhile and i asked her what she was thinking. she said she didn't know. i then told her that i thought if she really believed what she was telling me in the beginning and it wasn't cuz she was leaving then she wouldn't have to think so hard about it. in the end i told her to stop being afraid..... i told her to decide what she wanted and to gimmie a call once she had. then i left.

unless she says otherwise i'm gonna back out of her life and try and get her outta my system......

what do you think of all this? and was she being honest with me in the beginning or was her "i think it has more to do with me leaving than anything else." line the more honest one?

[amadeus]

damn.... anyone? please?

[mhussain]

isnt it strange that when we make the right decisions in life ... they cause us the most doubt and pain and when we lie to ourselves and make wrong decisions ... we are absolutely sure of them ....

mate if she has been ur friend for like four years and u have been hers ... and if u have been through thick and thin ... then such fruiendships dont break easily .....

whether u made the right decision or not only time will tell ..... as for urdecision to try and get over her ...... best of luck ...

no person deserves uncertainity

Hussain