She's A Little Too Quiet?

[desktop]

Ladies, I need some womanly insight on something.....

I met this gal through an online dating site called Christian Mingle. I liked what she wrote in her BIO and so I sent her an email asking if she wanted to connect. She wrote me back about an hour later and said she would love to connect with me. In her email she said I was "devastatingly handsome". I thought this was a little more than I deserve, but it was a very encouraging sign. So we started emailing each other back and forth and this went on for about three weeks, until finally we shared phone numbers and started talking on the phone. We have been doing this now for about two months.

We both live in Michigan, but she lives in a town north of me about 4 hours drive. So it's not like we can see each other on a regular basis. I have not driven up there yet to see her, because of some financial issues I'm currently having, but we have both expressed an interest in seeing each other person-to-person.

She is divorced after a 25 year marriage and has five kids. Aside from holding a full time job as director at a Children's Ministry she is also extremely busy with life stuff (running the kids around, functions, etc.). Just recently her ex husband announced he is moving back to Orlando to get his old job back, and so now she will have all five kids around the clock with no time to herself or anyone to help her run them around.

In the beginning she would send me little messages and even call me, but lately she hasn't done either and I'm starting to wonder why. I was calling her about every other day and I send her little uplifting graphics I make, because I know she's really busy and could use a smile. But now I'm starting to back off on doing that stuff, because I'm not getting anything back from her. It's kind of hard to judge how someone really feels about you if you never hear from them. You know?

I know that she's not the talkative type. From the beginning whenever we talked on the phone I could hardly get her to say more than a few words at a time, so slowly I joked around and encouraged her to start talking more, but this seems to be a part of her personality. Regardless, if you're really interested in someone you shouldn't have to tell them to call you or to let you know how they feel. Maybe it's because she's busy. I don't know. I have a lot of talents, but ESP isn't one of them.

Any advice or suggestions would be welcome. Thanks.

[Wakeup]

Well she's likely very busy with the kids and all as you described however; I'll tell you that if I was dating again, I'd get bored really fast with a guy that I'd been only talking to for 4 months and he's not made an effort to meet me in person. If you don't have the funds to make the drive or take the train or whatever, then perhaps it would be a better idea to stop trying to 'mingle' if you have no intentions of being able to meet quickly or, at least within a reasonable time after email and then phone contact. 4 Months is too long for most women. Other than just being busy, she may have replaced you and is ending the "chat" relationship altogether.

Are you able to meet her at all? If not then why would you even want to bother with this any further? You're interaction will falsly bond you to her without ever having enjoyed one-on-one contact.

[desktop]

I understand what you're saying, but I do want to be with her. I hate the whole distance thing. I'm working on a couple things right now that will fix the finance issues and then I plan to go see her. If she has replaced me then I have no way of knowing that unless she tells me. There's something about this woman, so even if she did find someone else I would still go up there and see her in person.

[smackie9]

You have to look at the whole situation. She has 5 kids...they come first so that leaves you on the bottom of her priority list regardless of how much she really likes you. Second, you both live 4 hours apart. There is no way to have a solid relationship living that far away. She is a single mom, she just can't get up and go anywhere at any time, so she is terribly limited. Thirdly you are broke. You can't date anyone, let alone a single mom, that would most definitely be looking for a partner that was financially secure. You have to have a more realistic approach to dating..... you can't have any success in a relationship just based on your feelings for that person. This situation is all up hill on an icy slope....this so fails and you sir are looking desperate.

[desktop]

I'm definitely not desperate. And I'm only broke for the moment—not forever. Just because you may be in between jobs doesn't mean it's the end of the world—or your dating life. I'm going back to school to get my BSA in graphic design to give me an edge in finding a better career. She knows all about my situation anyway and she understands. We both want to see each other, because we're both interested and would like to know where this might lead.

[smackie9]

There are plenty more fish in the sea as they say.....

[smackie9]

I'm definitely not desperate. And I'm only broke for the moment—not forever. Just because you may be in between jobs doesn't mean it's the end of the world—or your dating life. I'm going back to school to get my BSA in graphic design to give me an edge in finding a better career. She knows all about my situation anyway and she understands. We both want to see each other, because we're both interested and would like to know where this might lead.

From my understanding you came here to hear what you want to hear. It ain't happening. If you came here to argue the point, then stop wasting our time trying to give you sound and solid advice.

[Cerby]

Desktop, at some point you should step back from this and try to view it from an outside view. Yes, you met on a dating site, a lot of couples do. But the successful ones usually meet in person pretty shortly after. Entering a relationship with someone you simply are unable to meet will mean that one of the parties will lose interest and start searching for a new partner that is able to "mingle". You are right that you are only broke for the moment, which means for this moment you should work on stabilizing yourself, or dating someone locally that you don't need to make an investment to see.

You like her, I understand that and sympathize with your plight. But the reality of the situation isn't in your favour right now.

[basilandthyme]

I have to agree with what's been written so far. It's really important to strike when the iron is hot.

[Boisdevie]

She probably got bored with incessant chit chat with no get together. I met my GF online. I met her 3 days later. Don't waste time, it's precious.

[desktop]

Thanks for the advice everyone. You're right and I should try to be more realistic about this. The distance thing (and the lull in my work) really stinks, because I really like this gal. I have to agree that if two people meet online and get to chatting you should meet in person ASAP. I'm still going to have the opportunity to go see her, but I think now I'm going to have to talk with her openly about all this—or she'll probably tell me (lol).

[Cerby]

Thanks for the advice everyone. You're right and I should try to be more realistic about this. The distance thing (and the lull in my work) really stinks, because I really like this gal. I have to agree that if two people meet online and get to chatting you should meet in person ASAP. I'm still going to have the opportunity to go see her, but I think now I'm going to have to talk with her openly about all this—or she'll probably tell me (lol).

That is your best bet. Next time you talk to her, ask what her perception of things are, how long she can go without meeting you, etc. She does have a pile of kids, which means her attention will always be occupied. Communication is always key, no matter the circumstance of the relationship.

[desktop]

Thanks for the reply, Cerby. I'm used to the Grand Central Station of single mom life: my ex was a single mom of three and her life was a madhouse. I don't know how you women do it, but I have a lot more respect for single moms now. And I have always believed that communication is vital to any relationship—that and always being honest.

Now there's an interesting parallel to all this. In the beginning when I was still trying to get over my ex she would constantly contact me—by email and phone. There was even one time when I didn't call her for a couple days because my cell phone died and she wrote me an email and that email started with, "I haven't heard from you in a couple days....that's not a good sign."

Now I'm lucky if she calls me once a week. It's like once I made my intentions known (that I was over my ex and interested in seeing just her) she just backed off.

By the way—I love your Cactuar avatar. Final Fantasy fan?