what is the right mindset to have in a relationship?

[livingthedream]

Hi!

I've been with my gf for about 7 months now, we're very close with each other, but I often find myself idolizing her too much i.e. i often find myself worrying that "what if, for any reason, she has just stopped loving me all of a sudden...maybe the way i acted around her the other day was a huge turn-off, and she's changed her mind about me" etc, even though I have no rational reason to think that...i know its dumb, but sometimes i just cant get that thought out of my head. I also get jealous when she talks about other guys, and when she talks about her sexual history (she has more of a history than me!)

Anyways, Im worried that thoughts like that are going to tarnish the relationship (self-fulfilling prophecy etc).

Im now thinking that I need to change my mindset. Like, ok, i get it, those thoughts are irrational. But i cant get rid of them. So I'm thinking there must be another approach. i.e perhaps i should be thinking "f**K it, if that happens, it happens! I'll just accept it as part of life and the reality of how relationships work"...that sort of mentality.

But I would love some other peoples ways of approaching this. surely this is a common thing, for both sexes!

Guys who've been in the same boat, I'd love to hear how you handle this!

Girls, would love to know if you've ever been in a relationship where this has been an issue, either for yourself towards him, or he towards you, and if it's caused issues.

any input would be very appreciated!

thanks!

[Boisdevie]

You're worrying too much. OK, what if she did end the relationship? You survived perfectly well before you knew her so presumably you'll somehow manage to survive if it goes tits up.

And if you don't like her talking about her past sexual history let her know that you're not comfortable with it. If she respects you then she'll shut up about it.

[jennifer.c]

What you said is probably a good approach, the whole "if it happens it happens." I think the most important thing is to not get too dependent on someone else and not lose sight of who you are. You are your own person and if it ends, you will keep doing what you do and move on. Obviously it's not that easy but it's something to strive for.

I get insecure like you too, though it's generally in the beginning of things. But you shouldn't idolize the person you're with, because it makes the relationship uneven.

I dated a guy in high school who was super insecure with me in a similar way you're describing (though maybe more intense than you). It was definitely a turn-off. It was endearing in the very beginning and it made me feel good about myself, but by the end it got old, because I think ultimately most people are more attracted to self-respect and confidence. I ended up staying with him for a long time just because I didn't want to hurt him. But you don't want that - you want her to stay with you because you are who you are - not somebody who exists to please her and would fall apart if she left.

Self-confidence is key. Remind yourself that you're just as valuable as her and you are perfectly capable of being independent if need be.

[michelle23]

You need to have more confidence. Tell yourself that you are confident, independent and a great boyfriend. If she ever does decide she doesn't want you-its her loss and you will stay strong and eventually meet someone else. Worrying about what could happen is bad. Just relax and enjoy being with her and if it happens you will deal with it then.

I lost someone very close to me. (my aunt died) and it was the hardest thing I ever had to go through but it proved to me that I am strong enough to handle anything life throws at me. I love my bf more than anything and I never want to lose him but if he ever leaves me, I know I can handle it. I'm tough as old boots lol. I know time is a great healer and if the worst happens I will be fine... you need to adapt a similar mentality.

As for her past. Most men do not like hearing details about their gf sexual history. That is normal. Most lads only want to know how many she has been with and nothing else so ask her not to speak about this as you do not like hearing it. My bf is the exact same. Even though I only slept with 1 before him and it was a mistake. When I think about it I cringe lol-he still would not like to hear about it and I respect that.

I don't even mention an old ex (that I never slept with) as I learned quickly in the beginning of our relationship that he does not want to ever think about me with anyone else and I love that about him. I am his and he is mine lol

[michelle23]

And please do not let the fact that she has slept with more than you make you insecure. It is irrelevant. If you love each other, your compatible and happy together-then who cares about anything else. I don't give a crap if I never sleep with anyone else again but my bf. And hes the same. We make each other happy and that is all that matters really.

[pcmaster]

The right mindset is 100% positive ofcourse. One negativive thought or emotion can destroy everything. Just find a one reason why it will work out and stick to it.
And acting as a jerk doesnt matter much as long as you are atractive.(Can get away with prety much anything) But yes it can burst the bubble and make a girl look at you with her eyes open.

[michelle23]

pcmaster that is not true. I dont care how good looking someone is. If they do not have a nice personality-that makes them unattractive and I want nothing to do with them..

[pcmaster]

Yeah personality is important. But imagine some tall strong guy call you bitch once and how would you feel. And now imagine skinny, ugly guy calling you bitch - how it would feel? Seriously looks matters not always you realise it but it does affect chemistry.

[michelle23]

Lol i wouldnt care if either called me a bitch haha!

[michelle23]

Plus confident good looking men normally treat women a lot better than ugly insecure a**holes haha!

[basilandthyme]

Yeah personality is important. But imagine some tall strong guy call you bitch once and how would you feel. And now imagine skinny, ugly guy calling you bitch - how it would feel? Seriously looks matters not always you realise it but it does affect chemistry.

I'm not following. It would feel equally unacceptable no matter what the guy looked like. Good looking or not, he would find himself dumped.

[bleucandle]

Listen man, it's like this:

Once you realize that people are going to do what they want regardless of who it affects; in this case, YOU, you will enjoy that relationship a little more.

fact of the matter is, you can't be with her 24 hours a day, right? So if she's doing anything that would hurt your love and trust for you, it's going to happen when you're not around. This is what you need to set yourself free from. Stop "idolizes" over what she may or may NOT be doing. It's one thing to 'think' about the one you're with; but it's a completely whole other thing to "THINK" about what she is possibly doing when you'e not around.

I have a friend name Samuel that's exactly that way. Motherf-cker calls me up, asking me what I think his gf is probably doing, all the damn time, and I'm like "Sam, man...I dont even know your gf. How the hell should I know. Besides, dont you have other things to be doing rather than sittin' in your damn head all day, WONDERING what your girlfriend is doing. Knock that sh-t off." And of course, everytime I had it to him that way, his response is usually; "Yeah you're right! But she hasnt called me or texted in a hour."

That sh-t drives me crazy. Thats my dawg, but like him, you need hobbies and other things to keep you busy. You'll drive yourself crazy with all that "WONDERING"

Good luck, man

[michelle23]

If she has given u no reason not to trust her then you have to trust her unless she gives you a reason not to