Acts like he loves me and says that he doesn't...

[adt]

I apologize, I feel as though this is going to be a long post, so I truly appreciate anyone who can take the time and energy to read through it all and advise…

“W” and I knew each other for over a year before we hooked up, we have the same circle of friends, so were around each other often. I was enjoying being single, and had been for the previous two years after being in a 5 year relationship. It was time for me, myself and I to learn and live a little.

W began hinting that he was interested in pursuing a physical relationship with me, and after a month and a half, I finally relented and allowed it to happen. I had been attracted to him all along, and was interested in him, but was a little apprehensive as I had already dated someone in our circle, and didn’t want the dynamic of any of my friendships to change.

We enjoyed each other’s company that night, and we stayed up for hours as he opened up and shared all of his past relationships with me. I told him upfront that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. That I was still just enjoying being committed to nobody but myself. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to live with someone again. He agreed, and told me that since his heart had been broken by his ex-wife, he had been living alone for the past 7 years. We were on the exact same page, and all was perfect…

Until…

I was looking at him one day last Summer, and I realized that I had fallen in love with him. As it was far from my intention to fall in love, and completely unexpected or unplanned, I wasn’t sure what to do with the feeling, and in all honesty, I wasn’t quite ready for love yet, so I decided I would keep it to myself. It was difficult to not embody and express my truth, so after a while I had to finally admit to myself and him that this was more to me than just a casual thing now.

This is where it gets sticky… and has been behind many tears lately and the only reason we ever have arguments. We learned that I love him and am in love with him, but he is not in love with me, but loves me.

Over the span of the past 18 months, we see each other at least twice a week, speak to each other 2-3 times daily, text often, he never ignores my calls, and will phone back within minutes if he has missed one, we laugh together, share our worries, encourage each other. We live 2 blocks apart, and he will come by and drop my favorite food off when he cooks it, or will deliver juice and soup to me when I am sick. Our friends refer to us as being in a relationship, he refers to me as his girlfriend, at this point we are monogamous, have been on a vacation in Mexico together. He’s met my mom, and has gone with me to visit her for weekend trips. He made a point to take me out for valentines day (though we both don’t believe in the merits of celebrating it), has helped me out when I’m in a financial bind, always does what he says he will do, and is 100% honest with me. I am to him, all that he is to me. We respect each other.

He expresses to me often how I am the first girl in his life since his wife that he has allowed to do many things with and for. I’m even the first woman he has kissed in over 7 years.

However… he is quite a bit older than me… almost by 20 years. He has had children, most of whom are already grown, and has been married, cheated on, and divorced. There are many serious factors behind us that confuse things a little bit. I want children, but after a loss and a health condition, my chances are slim to none of a natural pregnancy.. He, on the other hand, does not want to have anymore. He already has 5 children, is close to 50, and just isn’t at that point of his life, which I can respect. However, to make matters ****ed up. 6 months into our “relationship” he opened up to me and was honest enough to tell me that a woman he was seeing before me, had just had a baby, and was saying it was his. I was hurt over this admission, but mostly I was jealous. Which is not a healthy emotion to have, but I admitted to myself that I was, and learned to clear it away and deal with it. I’ve since realized my needs, and have decided that I am going to adopt in 5 years.

He has always wanted me to be nothing more than happy and to have whatever I believe I deserve out of life. He cannot be the one to marry me, nor give me babies. But he assures me that he “will still be here” while always being there for me. I know he would never, ever do anything to hurt me in any way. I could trust him with my life without second guessing.

Last week we had another open heart discussion where it was apparent we were still at different places in our relationship. I decided that I had to be honest with myself at this point. He may never love me like I love him. I decided that, since love is pure and should not be given with the expectation that something should be given in return, I don't need love to complete me, it should just compliment me, so I would continue to love him in an honest and pure way, because I love him. But, I still of course had to love myself. Concentrate on me. Search out for what I need, and maybe test the waters a little bit.

We don’t know what we want until we know what we don’t want.

I decided to go on a date last week, and W was quick to end the call when I told him over the phone. When we spoke again later, he told me to go do what I needed to do, admitted that he may be a bit jealous, and that I would no longer be having sex with him if I started a sexual relationship with the man I was going on the date with- or anyone else for that matter. After all, we are monogamous, right?

The date was a bust, and like all the many men I dated between my previous serious relationship and W, nobody, nobody can make me feel as happy, grateful, focused and blessed like W. When I told him about it and how awful it was, it told me that it served me right.

My concern, is that him and I will never fully be. I worry that he could be too much of a commitment phobe to ever fully love again, or he believe I should experience marriage and motherhood and doesn’t want me to ever resent him… yet he isn’t pushing me away. He always just becomes more sincere, gazes in my eyes a little longer, his kisses linger just a little more, and his phone calls increase in length whenever I start to slightly pull myself away.

The thing is, I don’t need or want a ring, and I don’t really believe in marriage. I am completely satisfied with what and who I have, but at times I just feel a little insecure and vulnerable when I remember just how open I am with him, all the while knowing, he isn’t “in love” with me.

Why though?!

I want so badly for him to be able to open up his heart up again. Not just so he can love me, I would be happy to see him open his heart up, even if it meant he fell in love with someone else… He just, deserves love again, I want so badly for him to just open up so that he can have it.

Am I crazy for staying? Or do I just continue living for the moment, happily loving him for who he is?

[Wakeup]

Am I crazy for staying? Or do I just continue living for the moment, happily loving him for who he is?

That's your call. No one can tell you that you're crazy for staying and even if we did, if you don't believe that you're crazy in staying, then you'll ignore our advice to leave if that is what we tell you.

I will tell you that as long as he is your focus, no other guy is likely to look as good or make you feel as good as the guy you're in love with does so dating while you're still bopping this guy you talk about, is just a waste of your time and your new date's time (and most likely money as well) so (IMO) it's rather unfair of you to even be agreeing to "dates" at this time in your life. I'm pretty sure you're not telling any new guy you happen to go out with that you're currently in love with another guy.

It's not your job to want him "to open up his heart." He doesn't miss doing that so you shouldn't want him so badly to do it. Up to you though if you stay I'd say whats the harm if you can actually be happy and content just loving him for who he is without wishing for more, hoping he gets things he has no desire for and trying to change him to want the things you want.

I hope you figure YOU out so you know what to do.

[Valixy]

I wonder if he really is a commitment phobe like he says, or he is mostly worried about the big age gap between you two, when you are 35 he'll be 55, when you are 40 he'll be 60...Most men take age difference very seriously when they are in a serious relationship.

Yours is indeed a difficult one because the love and harmony you have cannot be achieved easily but then in spite of all this, there are the age difference and the distinct views on the relationship that are unlikely to change easily. Still you've been together for only 18 months and both of you might simply need a bit more time to realise if this is what you really want, if you're fine keeping it at this level or going for more.

I have the feeling though that any major changes in your relationship, like breaking up or fully committing, are meant to happen naturally, after showing patience and giving time. Ending things abruptly and while you're still so in love might leave you brokenhearted and maybe he just needs to see and make sure that you two can pass the test of time in order to feel ready to fully commit.

[adt]

Thank you both for responding with your perspective, I can see where both of you are coming from. I suppose the situation just needs some deeper inward reflection to better understand exactly what it is that I want and need, and how long I'm willing to wait for it.

[Boisdevie]

He's 20 years older than you? Jeez, just how desperate are you to have a relationship? Go out and find somebody your own age.

[TablesandChairs]

You might be okay with how things are now, but will you still be in 10 years time, for example? No kids, no commitment...what if he doesn't change and this is how he will always will be? Not to mention he'll get older, things will change (physically). He's been there/done that...you haven't. You're still young but trust me, not wanting to have a family now does not mean you won't want to in a few years time.

Being in love is one thing (and in many ways, it's the easy bit). Being compatible is another. Now, the age thing is one thing, but he's not in love with you, doesn't want to commit, doesn't want any more kids...this is quite a fair bit on top of the age gap, which can in itself produce some problems later on. It's up to you...if you feel you can handle it, then do what makes you happy. But if there's a chance the things you're okay with now will cease to be okay later down the track, you should reassess.