So 31 July 2011, Ben and I break up, we decide that after 8 years of being together that we can't make the effort to make it work.
I feel I should say that I always had trust issues with him as we started off as 'friends with benefits' and a few months in to our relationship I found some VERY dodgy texts on his phone between him and a girl. We had a 6 week separation at about 4 years in, but he won me back. We moved in together etc etc.
On paper we are perfect for each other and had a lot of fun, but I think we got lazy and I was never able to give myself to him 100% because I was always convinced that he would hurt me. He never did, but that's because I kept him slightly at arms length and he was always a very independent person, I felt taken for granted and that he never put me first.
When we broke up, I did feel like it was more my decision, but he never said he wanted to stay together. And I never cried for his relationship, until recently that is. I think that the day split, something in me died, or froze, and I never felt the pain. I was so angry that he had just let me go. I moved out and went overseas for a few months, but we remained friends, and met up occasionally.
In the last few months I have come to realise that I was expecting too much, and whilst he had his faults, deep down we were as compatible as you can get, and I never stopped loving him in one way or another. I know he had a hard time getting over us, but this was during my frozen stage where I felt no sympathy, no nothing, dead inside.
Now he has new girlfriend of about 6 months. I have had a couple of non-special relationships. This has all made me realise that I didn't know what I had when I had it.
We still see each other and 2 weeks ago I went round and we ended up having sex, we weren't drunk and both said we didn't regret it.
But the next week we met up to talk about it, and I basically said I wanted to see if we could talk about making it work, getting back together. He said that he had such a hard time getting over me last time that he couldn't put himself back there.
We have said we will carry on being friends, and I have tried not to get all emotional on him as he has made his feelings clear and I don't want to scare him away from being friends with me.
But I am thinking about him all the time, and crying like an idiot every day. I have no right to expect anything from him after all this time, and I know he has a new girlfriend, but I honestly believe I cannot be happy with anyone else, and know that deep down he thinks we are as compatible as I do, but that he is not willing to put his heart on the line after it took so long to mend it. He is even going away with his new girlfriend on Saturday to New York.
Now the reality of what I lost all those months ago is hitting me, why I have been numb to it all this time, I don't know!
What I want to know is, is there any chance of him changing his mind, or should I move on in case I ruin our friendship??
Please help me, I am going crazy!