Trust Issues

[Mockingjay]

I've been dating this girl for a couple of month and things have started to get weird really quick. After our first date, I received a message from her boyfriend asking why I was flirting with his girl. Turns out she had a boyfriend and decided to hide on the pretense that she was about to leave him anyway. It was probably a good time to stop seeing her, however I had a great time and decided to see her again.

In the following weeks I realized I enjoyed spending time her company, and I thought maybe everyone deserves a second and I decided to forget about the incident altogether.

What happens next is that she broke up with the guy and we started seeing each other multiple times a week without being a couple. After a month, I decided to ask her if she wanted something serious and she had mixed feelings about it. The same night she called me crying, saying that she had just slept with her ex boyfriend and that she regretted it deeply. I was devastated by this call, but since she was the one telling me, and she seemed sincere, I decided to forgive her. This is where my hell began...

In the following months we had a relatively healthy relation ships and as it turn out I was her first real serious boyfriend (the previous guys being one night stands and friends with benefits). I started to spy on her at this point, to make sure I could give her my trust back. However, I found out that she still talked with some of those guys, and most of them seemed to still be flirting with her. When I confronted her on this, she said she would cut all ties with those guys and that this was new to her so she had to learn how to act in a relationship.

After 7 months, I still feel insecure all the time. I still spy on her regularly, and I can't help but feeling stupid for not killing this relationship in the egg before it hatched (all the warning signs were there). While I'm trying not to judge her, I feel uncomfortable with the amount of guys she has slept with and am left wondering if our different values might be a poison to this relationship. I'm happy with her and we spend a great deal of quality time together. On the other hand when she's not around I feel so insecure and it exacerbates my anxiety disorder. I feel alone and confused, and I don't want to talk about this with my close friends in fear that they might judge me.

I know all of this is unhealthy and has been damaging my quality of life, but I really don't know what to do anymore. Is it worth it to suffer for someone you love?

[stan92964]

The answer is, no it's not worth it. I have always said, date around, don't sleep around. Most people get this backwards. You are living the results of getting this backwards. If you date several girls at once until you know one long enough and am certain enough that you both want to become exclusive, you will always have feelings of insecurity like you are experiencing now. Dating several girls at once keeps your emotions in check, you have a good time and you will feel in control of your life and emotions. Dating 1 girl at a time, jumping into sex before mutual long term commitment, messes with your emotions every time. Use on line dating to achieve this. Be up front with your philosophy. Get to know who this girl really is before you jump into sex with her. This isn't a popular philosophy, but it works and it will keep you from getting in the mess you are in now. My guess is you have some serious pain to experience with her yet before it's over ... you had sex with her before you knew her enough to see that she is selfish and unfaithful and will bring you nothing but pain in the end.

[Valixy]

I suppose we always exchange some values with the partners we have and we try to adapt to their personality, life style and they to ours, but when it's something so fundamental as teaching someone to have some self respect regarding the relationship with the opposite sex, there might be too much tension and insecurity for anyone and feeling deeply disappointed is a normal consequence.

You're right, you shouldn't be with someone who needs to learn that she shouldn't lie and cheat but most importantly, you've tried to deal with this for several months now and you're still feeling hurt. It actually sounds like you've pretty much made your opinion of her like not being trustworthy but your attachment to her prevents you from respecting the fact that what you tried to accept, your basic personality simply can't assimilate. When you need to constantly spy on your partner to make sure she doesn't cheat on you, it means you have zero trust in this person and you shouldn't be with her anymore, especially because it is transforming you in a hurt, insecure, and terribly unhappy person.

It's up to you when you'll finally decide to listen to your inner voice telling you that this girl is not good for you and put an end to all the pain you've gathered through the relationship with her.

[Wakeup]

Well, it's quite understandable why you don't trust someone who is untrustworthy. Lying, excuses, being with you before she left the last one. Someone who doesn't know right from wrong and apologizes for being disrespectful by feigning ignorance is untrustworthy because they have no simple, fundamental personal boundaries. Fly-by-their-ass type people do and then say sorry. They learn nothing about relationship respect and common boundaries until they cross them. It's up to you if you want to be hearing "Oh, I didn't know that was something I shouldn't be doing while in a relationship AFTER it's already been done.

One's partner should compliment their already happy life, certainly not cause anxiety and fear within while waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In future, don't ignore the fact that you asked someone to be exclusive with you and they hedged. There is a reason fro that hedge and it's usually NEVER very good for the one being hedged upon. Be true to your own personal boundaries or learn to keep it casual if you're going to drop them.

Adding: Tell us, did she ever actually agree to "something serious" as you put it or did you just take up where you left off after she confessed to doing her ex?

[michelle23]

you are right in saying you should have dumped her ages ago but its not too late now. you cannot trust this girl and you need to forget her.

in future look for the red flags early and dont ignore them. theres lots of great girls that would make you really happy and youd be able to trust. dont waste time on anyone who makes you feel insecure. ts really not worth it.

you talk about your "values". right now your ignoring what is important to you and who you are by staying with this toxic girl. you dont agree with her past or her behsviour but yet your still sticking around. why is that? do you not think your worth more? right now you are settling for second best. its time to call it a day.