Need to get a handle on this....

[vikingscolts]

We started dating in November, we got engaged in December, everything was perfect right off the hop, she was actually the one that said "I would marry you tomorrow" very early in the relationship, and I was fine with that as I felt instantly connected to her on several levels. Come April, I get the "i'm so busy at work", we start breaking from our regular schedule (We both have kids from previous marriage), we normally split weeks back and forth at one anothers place usually, we started to discuss merging households, but that has since left the radar. Then I start getting "trust" issues from her, when she has known my history all along (infidelity issues in previous relationship). Now, I feel like I am always chasing her for time together. She is 100% faithful, no issues there, but I have the feeling that all of a sudden, reality has set in for her and she has completely changed her mindset on us. I do all the special things for her, make dinner, look after the kids when needed, buy little things as a surprise, I try to spend all my free time with her because I want to be with her more than anything. I get very little emotional response from her, I'm always the expressive one whether its when we discuss things, email...... I just don't understand how things can turn on a dime so quick. I try to talk to her, try to explain to her that I want nothing more than to be with her, raise the kids together, be a couple and most importantly, a family, but I get very little from her, like she just cannot open up with her feelings. Its all becoming very frustrating.....I do all the little things, and I have yet to see any reciprocation to the point where it has become ludicrous why I keep trying, except for the fact that I love her. I just can't figure this mess out.....

[basilandthyme]

Sorry Viking, you have both rushed in too fast. Her changing her mind so quickly is very normal for such a young relationship. And getting engaged so early was a mistake.

You've only just past the first six months together - which is a really big learning curve about how suitable the two of you are. Now that the infatuation stage is dying down, she's discovering that you're not the man for her.

I'm sorry I can't be more hopeful for you. But if anything, I hope you will learn from this. As a general rule of thumb, one would be crazy to take declarations of love and together forever seriously during the first six months or so. With the next girl you meet, wait a couple of years before getting engaged.

[vikingscolts]

Thanks for the feedback. I agree, quick start, and now, maybe she is having second thoughts. What makes it tough, is that is wasn't something gradual, she just all of a sudden, quit on us. We still got together this weekend, intimacy is not an issue. She says that she loves me, but its just that she is so closed emotionally all of a sudden. As far as suitability, we both are professionals, have kids, very similar interests.....Its like she just got scared that everything was going so well and at such a torrid pace, that she needs to pull back, its just hard to deal with because my feelings for her have never changed....

[vikingscolts]

I would appreciate some perspective from different sides.....anyone?

[Am I crazy?]

No offense because I know others have done it too, but......... WTF dude, who the heck proposes after a month and starts talking about joining households and raisisng kids together? A month? really? just my opinion here but if I were you i would slow things way down, maintain seperate households, break off the engagement and just date each other for a while. Even the worst matched couples find things to like about each other for a the first month of dating, then the honeymoon is over. Thats where you are right now. Why make such a quick decision on how you potentially spend the rest of your life? not to mention the damage to your kids by adding them to a household that may end up being quite temporary due to you and your partners lack of thinking things through or taking the time to actually discover if you are long term compatible. I belive in love at first sight but even when it happens it does not mean you have to immedietely commit your life to that love before you know if its a real lasting love or just a flash in the pan.

[vikingscolts]

No offense because I know others have done it too, but......... WTF dude, who the heck proposes after a month and starts talking about joining households and raisisng kids together? A month? really? just my opinion here but if I were you i would slow things way down, maintain seperate households, break off the engagement and just date each other for a while. Even the worst matched couples find things to like about each other for a the first month of dating, then the honeymoon is over. Thats where you are right now. Why make such a quick decision on how you potentially spend the rest of your life? not to mention the damage to your kids by adding them to a household that may end up being quite temporary due to you and your partners lack of thinking things through or taking the time to actually discover if you are long term compatible. I belive in love at first sight but even when it happens it does not mean you have to immedietely commit your life to that love before you know if its a real lasting love or just a flash in the pan.

Actually, we both did discuss it. She was 100% behind it until April, when work stress started to get other and it got all her attention. We were both completely fine with it, we both have stable careers, great kids and both feel we were very lucky to have found one another. Thats why I can't understand why things just changed all of a sudden, because nothing in our relationship changed. We both understand the brevity of our time together, and have discussed it often, but things worked, or at least they did until recently

[Zaz01]

I think something is wrong here. She clearly isn't comfortable taking the next step or she is becoming emotionally unavailable for whatever the reason. She could have a fear of something. Maybe try googling the term love avoidant. See if she has any of the symptoms.

I think the best you can do is figure out whether her problem is with you or with herself. Then take it from there. So my advice is to slow things down and figure out the situation. Try not to be pushy. Talk to her. Listen to her. Don't pressure her.

[vikingscolts]

I think something is wrong here. She clearly isn't comfortable taking the next step or she is becoming emotionally unavailable for whatever the reason. She could have a fear of something. Maybe try googling the term love avoidant. See if she has any of the symptoms.

I think the best you can do is figure out whether her problem is with you or with herself. Then take it from there. So my advice is to slow things down and figure out the situation. Try not to be pushy. Talk to her. Listen to her. Don't pressure her.

Thank you for the advice, I will. I am trying to slow things down, but we were both so excited at the prospect of the good fortune we had discovered having both been through relationships that failed. I always try to talk to her, ask for her thoughts on things, and that's where the communication breaks down. Thanks again!

[vikingscolts]

Thank you for the advice, I will. I am trying to slow things down, but we were both so excited at the prospect of the good fortune we had discovered having both been through relationships that failed. I always try to talk to her, ask for her thoughts on things, and that's where the communication breaks down. Thanks again!

Definitely some of the symptoms. Using work as an excuse, avoidance discussing anything at any costs or at the very least, expressing any real feelings, complete withdrawal from what our normal pattern had become....definitely some things to think about.

[samreddevilz]

I would appreciate your effort. Just keep trying.....!