Repeating patterns

[chaz_b]

Hi, I'm new here and I came for some advice. I have had depression since I was young. My dad died four years ago, my mums an alcoholic but my one big issue... is men. I have NEVER been started on by a guy- no offers of drinks, no flirting, no attempt to dance with. That is despite looking after myself and being confident- I could talk to anybody. Over the years, I have noticed a pattern emerging with my relationships..

Got my first boyf at uni- I know in my heart he only agreed to date me because I wasn't going to put out until he did. We went out a year but he started to go out without me, take me being there for granted. So I asked him for a break, he said he didn't do breaks and called it off. Then he forced all our mutual friends to take sides and I had to start again on my own away from home. Went for dinner alone, cinema alone.. eventually made better friends and moved on.

Handful of guys who all showed an interest in me- slept with them and then they cut me off. My fault obviously and I've learned from that.

Then met a guy online; soldier, very intense very quickly, we were 'together' 2 months but then his WIFES friend found me on facebook and told me he was married with 2 children and had lied about EVERYTHING- his name, his job... even told me the kids were his best friends! Had a lot of my stuff and I never got it back. I was distraught.

Next guy, dated for 2 months. Then suddenly, from nowhere, he disappeared. I had been seeing him at least twice a week for 2 months and he just vanished. Thought he had died. I was devastated.

Met Neil and we both instantly fell for each other. But he had no job and was quite low on himself. Moved in together when he got a job to tide him over. Together almost 3 years when he finally got the job he had always dreamed of.... and then he got rid of me. Like he didn't need me anymore. Been seven months since then and we are now good friends. He keeps flirting with me and asking me out but I'm not going back to 'settle' When we split, I was off work a week I was so low.

Met Matt in January. Didn't fancy him on first date but gave him a second chance. Got to 'relationship'- he even invited me on a mini break to his parents second house! But then I discovered he had been in prison. I thought long and hard and decided I could let the past be past. He pretended the same, went away on holiday and then, while he was away, confessed he couldn't handle me knowing and finished it.

Next guy (Steven) clicked my 'looking for a relationship' profile. Dated 8 or so times, thought it was going well when suddenly, pre date 9, checked in with him to see if it was still on and he said 'No' Just 'no'. I asked why, he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. He had told me the previous week that he WAS. So I told him, in a brave more, that he had wasted my time and in future must NOT click on girls like me when it was clear we wanted different things.

Last guy I had been dating at the same time as Steven (my 'backup' guy) His name was Jamie. I didn't really fancy him to start with, but when Steven fell through, I made myself organise a second date and give him a chance. We went out for 3 months- even went on a mini break to Amsterdam together (so romantic) Made some amazing memories (all happy) Then I didn't see him for a weekend... The next Wednesday he meets up with me in a park (not heard from him for days) in tears he tells me something has happened that has made him re-evaluate his life.. and he's going travelling. He needs to finish it now because leaving it til later would only make the split hurt more. Told me we could be 'friends' (cos I can do that!) but I've not heard from him hardly at all. He's the One. I've never felt this way about the others- even three year Neil couldn't beat this.

Now I'm in a terrible place- everybody is saying 'be single for a while' But it's so lonely, I don't have any interest in joining random clubs. I am lonely for a guy. I'm in therapy at the moment for my depression. I just want to know if it's just me...

[michelle23]

i think the problem is you. im sorry but people are right. you need to be alone for awhile, focus on healing, try to overcome your depression.

i have to ask do you cause drama with men? stress them out? play mind games? are you pessimistic?

just asking. how would you describe your personality and how you behave around men?

if you come with a load of drama or negativity-they will RUN..

you just need to focus on your own emotional and mental wellbeing, learn to be happy on your own and independant and when you are stable, strong and confident-the right guy will come along

[chaz_b]

I am absolutely delighted and relieved to say that I am outwardly very good at being positive. It is something I am proud of. If/when people find out I am suffering depression, they always say 'Oh my god, I would never have known' In fact, a few years ago at the school I work for, we all exchanged notes of why we all get on so well and my colleague said 'I light the room up when I come in as I'm so up' It got to the point where I did choose to NEVER disclose my mental state to any guy I got involved with because... frankly, who in the right mind would want to stay around for anything less than perfect? Men are groomed by the media to expect perfect and sadly, mental illness is far from. Only my ex ever really understood it.. and at times found it hard.

I am very happy to accept it is my fault and yes, I am happily accepting therapy. Do you think my accidental revelation of my condition scared away Jamie? I was very angry with myself for feeling like it was okay to explain it to him.

[chaz_b]

Does this sound horrible but.. I am who I am. I may never fully recover. God knows, I've been on antidepressants for years. So realistically... if I show ANY hint of negativity whatsoever... unlike many women, men will run. Therefore... I may always be single? It is very lonely on my own- I am gregarious and have many friends... but they don't hold me at night or kiss me

[michelle23]

people can live with depression. thats not the reason men run from you. as long as you can stand on your own two feet and dont expect him to put everything on hold if your having a bad day. as long as you know how to deal with it and not to always lean on him-it should be fine.

i think you should be honest with men about it coz you cant start a relationship based on a lie.

can you think of any reason why it didnt work out with all of them? what type do you generally go for? do you push them away or try to test them in some way?

im not saying its all your fault or anything. just asking open qs to help you figure it out. you know you better than anyone

[chaz_b]

I am open to any suggestions. Jamie is a mystery- he wants to go travelling (great, me too) but he broke it off with me before he's even planned what country to go to! 8 months plus in advance! Surely, if like me he just wants to have fun and make memories, he would have chosen to stay together longer? Nothing is set in stone. All I can think of is 'he just wasn't that into me' but that hurts MORE because he should have just been honest. Isn't it weird; I'd sooner have had the truth from all of them! John that he was still married, Darren (why he disappeared) BTW he showed up the other day on POF and said he was 'going through a lot of horrible stuff' and apologised lol. The only thing I can think of is that I'm too nice. I don't go out of my way to be nice (I don't make the guys pay for things... perhaps I should) I don't change plans at the last minute. But I DON'T do mind games (eg. 3 day rule really annoys me) I find it hard to believe all these guys were 'just not that into me' when all around me people are telling me I'm a catch! LOL!

[TablesandChairs]

OP, when people are lonely, they can get desperate - they will date anyone to fill a void within themselves. There might be something about you that is pushing all these men away but I can't tell you what that is because we don't know how you behave in relationships.

Are you sure you haven't been misdiagnosed with depression? Often, other disorders can have similar features - for example, people with BPD may have intense feelings of sadness/loneliness but that doesn't mean they're clinically depressed. Misdiagnosis is very common and the therapy you're receiving might not to tailored to suit your needs.

Anyway - I'm not sure if you're choosing the wrong guys or if it's you that's making them run for the hills...but you need to stay single for a while, otherwise you're just routinely distracting yourself from what you should be doing and that's getting mentally/emotionally healthy so that when you do meet someone, the relationship has a better chance of longevity. Maybe you have a tendency to pick the wrong guys and not be discerning because you fear being alone but there's also a good chance, given that you've had a long list of partners who have all basically done the same thing, that this is a pattern you're causing.

[michelle23]

Do you go for guys who also have emotional problems, lots of baggage, need help etc? Do you try to fix people? Or are you looking for someone who is strong, stable, confident, independant?

Do you have a checklist for these guys? Boxes that must be ticked or you will walk away? Are you fussy?

You should be fussy. Set your standards high. If your just willing to take whatever you can get-guys will sense that and you will likely just get the ones that most women dont want

[chaz_b]

I'm not sure how fussy to be. Tbh if they do the same, I've no chance! I tend to go for strong independent types, like a guy who knows his mind. I don't like a fixer upper! Dr doesn't think I'm bipolar as there's not much of a high. I think I have dependent personality disorder. I can do being alone but I choose not to. I found acceptance at school hard, issues at home and now my only want in life is to settle down with a nice guy and build up a home. I have a career n lots of friends. From past exp I've learned many good looking guys know it and play. So my confidence to go for that type is gone.. Thanks for advice so far. I have deleted pof and Facebook, I'm forcing myself to be dependent on only myself. God it's boring tho!

[michelle23]

It will do you good for awhile to just stop looking. sometimes the best things land right in front of us when we least expect it.

I think there are two types of good looking guys: cocky, narcissistic pricks and modest nice men. Obviously go for the latter.

[chaz_b]

How freaky- one of you mentioned BPD to me. Closely related was what I thought I had (or might still have) dependent personality disorder. A lot of the symptoms of this ring true but I didn't even realise it existed. I thought I just struggled with rejection and relationships. Thank you for your advice guys- I am already acting on it!