Stuck between fiancee and our best friend

[manava]

Hi Guys

This is kind of weird situation where I am stuck in. Me and my girlfriend/fiancée have a wonderful relationship from last one and a half year, we are planning to tie knot next year. We are two totally different personalities and we are very different from each other. This is my third relationship and so does her. Where I am a very social person, she likes to be stay at a quiet place. I feel she is the best match for me. But here starts the problem. She have lots of expectations from me. I am not an emotional kind of person whereas she wants me to express my feelings. I want her to act like friends when we are hanging out and be as couple when we are at home. She wants it vice versa. She likes to touch me when we are out and I do not like public display of affection at all. We are in a live relationship. If I want to go out in night for drinks, she wants me to come home in night, does not matter how late it is. She does not seems happy if I leave her alone and hang out with my friends. She feels as it is a new relationship we both should spend time together as couple. I understand her feelings as she likes to be around me but I am just not that person. I want to be independent even if I am in relationship.

The other situation affecting our relationship is a little critical. Before we started dating we were 3 friends. My girl friend, another girl (lets say ABC)who is close to us and me. The other girl also is very good friend of mine and is very close to me as compared to my girl friend. This friend has a little different personality – she is bit arrogant and very practical. She has some kind of jealous feelings towards my girl friend and due to this in past few months she misbehaved with her. I witnessed her behavior and also talked to her in front of my girlfriend that it was wrong on her part. She said sorry. But now her behavior persisted when I am not present. Now here is the catch of this situation. My girl friend / fiancée thinks our this friend ABC is attracted to me or in love with me . That is the reason why she misbehaves with her. I heard her facts but I do not feel so. Here are some facts which my fiancée gave about our friend ABC:
1) Whenever she is alone at home and friend ABC calls to meet, ABC cancels the plan.
2) ABC always call us on weekend to know what we are doing and makes plan to visit us(my fiancée thinks she always come over weekend when we try to spend some good time together. I do not feel this way. I feel that ABC wants to see how we are doing as friends that it)
3) ABC always calls me or text me instead of her and makes plan
4) In case ABC don’t know I am working on weekends and makes plan with to visit out place, she cancels the plan the moment she knows I am not at home. (However I feel that she do not like my girlfriend that’s why she avoids to meet her). My girlfriend/fiancée is offended by her behavior.
5) Whenever ABC visits our place, she always try to sit next to me even if there are lots of friends around.(My thinking is this is only because she is close to me and she feels its comfortable)
6) In last week’s party when my fiancée was talking about our wedding plans, our friend ABC just became angry and talked rudely to my girlfriend/fiancée and walked out of party. My girlfriend escorted her till gate to say her bye.
7) My girlfriend/fiancée already made plans for my birthday. So we did not called friend s for dinner on my birthday and told everyone that we will party over weekend. This was conveyed to ABC as well. First of all she wished me at 12 am in night. Next day she called me around 7 pm in evening to ask what were plans for that night. (Me and my fiancée were going to have dinner out alone.) This pissed my fiancée off as she feels that girl is doing it intentionally.
8) My friend ABC says that she is dating a guy who is her brother’s friend which my fiancée thinks is a lie.
9) My fiancée feels that friend ABC always calls me and text me to make plans. Friend ABC avoids meeting her.
10) Normally whenever ABC leaves our house late night my fiancée always told her to message that she reached home safely which she never does. This weekend friend ABC texted me in night that she reached home safely.
11) This was a long weekend. So on Friday ABC texted me to ask what is the plan for next two days. My fiancée wanted to spend it with me. So I told her we have some plans in case something gets cancelled we will let her know. Later my fiancée came to me and said that friend ABC do not have any other friend so its not good to avoid her. We can meet her on Sunday night. We had a great day on Sunday and in evening friend ABC visited us. (My fiancée complained that when I was not around friend ABC was not talking to her). Friend ABC told me that she broke up with her boyfriend as he was not considering her feelings and she wanted him to spend more time with her. We both had few drinks (my fiancée do not drink alcohol at all). Later we had dinner together and started together. My fiancée was acting normally so does friend ABC.
12) Later during discussion ABC asked what we were doing for next day. We said we are going with a friend of us on picnic. She can go to this festival happening in the city if she wants. She started saying that she do not have friends how she will go alone. She cannot go there with his brother since his friend will be with him. We told her in case we ll come back soon we ll take her there. (this was an excuse we made since we had tension due to her in our relationship)
13) Next day me and my fiancée spent whole day together but I felt guilty about leaving our friend.

This friend ABC have helped me a lot in studies. I passed my two critical courses due to her as she assisted me in studies. For her help in my studies I gave her a gift card of $300 which she accepted. I was being grateful to her as she spent almost 20 hours on me for these two courses. Similarly my girlfriend also gave her some gifts in between these one and a half year since she always picked us up (she have car we do not) when ever we asked. But later she avoided to take my girlfriend with her for shopping etc and started ignoring her ( which I feel is because my fiancée/girlfriend is very much successful as compared to her in term of studies and life). On my birthday she gave me a gift card of $250 which i think is return of what i gave to her. I told my girlfriend taht we both will buy her a gift card of $400 on her birthday when it comes. My girlfriend was angry about it.

I am now stuck with these two women. One is whom I love and other one is very close friend of mine. I told my girlfriend that I am distancing from ABC only due to her since she is uncomfortable and I am suffering unnecessarily. I feel that ABC do not likes me at all and is a close friend of mine. She have a problem from my girlfriend. I suggested my girlfriend that since she is uncomfortable with ABC she should stop hanging out with her more often and try to avoid her. In case ABC wants to meet me I will meet her alone or I will meet her outside alone (I can go with her for a drink or two alone while my fiancee can stay at home since she is uncomfortable). My fiancée/girlfriend got angry on this. For my fiancée/girlfriend she feels that friend ABC is pursuing me and wants me to be with her. One of our close friend also noticed this and agreed with my fiancée/girlfriend. I am still very sure that friend ABC do not thinks so, she is just close to me.

However I feel that my fiancée/girlfriend is becoming insecure in this situation. I feel that I am suffering in all this as both are important for me. I need your sincere advice about situation.

[michelle23]

I dont think you are ready for a relationship. You still want to go out without her a lot and stay out all night? That is not normal when you are in a serious relationship. Plus you and ABC are too close and she is trying to sabotage your relationship. There should be no other women in your life that you are close to apart from relatives. Your gf should be your best and only female friend. Nothing wrong with being friendly towards other girls (being polite, occasional friendly chat) but sounds like you and ABC are way too close for comfort..

And you saying you will meet ABC alone for a drink is NOT COOL! that is dating-not friendship. Are you sure you dont have feelings for this "friend" of yours? You seem to put a lot of effort into making her happy which sabatages your relationship with fiance. If I was her I would have dumped you ages ago... And what is up with you giving each other gifts? I dont buy my bfs friends gifts and anytime I have gotten a girl friend a gift-it would be something small like a keyring or teddy.. The only person I would spend big money on is my man..

It also sounds like you are not compatible. You fight over when you are allowed/not allowed be affectionate?? If my bf told me I am not allowed be affectionate towards him in public I would dump him. Do you know how crazy that sounds?

[4 ratties]

I would be insecure too! ABC needs to get the **** back! She is way up in your relationship. I would dump you. Only a matter of time til your fiancé has had it and dumps you.

[Valixy]

Let me clarify this for you: you are not stuck between them - you are being selfish. Also do not consider that girl or refer to her as 'your common' 'best friend' anymore and do your girlfriend some justice.

How would you feel if your girlfriend kept meeting a guy that stopped being your friend some time ago but has been trying to get her for a while? What if she insisted that she isn't interested in him but you know, he helps her with her studies, exchanges valuable gift cards with her, and in front of you being hurt by the general situation, she would be willing to go out with him alone while you could simply stay home if you wouldn't feel all that comfortable to join them.

Stop being ridiculous. Study more, look for a teacher/another student that you could simply pay instead of buying 300 dollars gift cards to this girl that is only looking for excuses to be with you and give your girlfriend some peace and joy, will you? Three is not company. Your relationship with your girlfriend does not need that girl hanging around you too and trying to ruin your relationship. She is not just feeling insecure and upset, this kind of things can really hurt.

Do insist that you want to see your male friends every now and then and have fun with them and also be affectionate with her in public sometimes. Learn to compromise and you'll both be happy.

[michelle23]

Your not ready for marriage. Take that ring back off her finger and grow up a bit first

[manava]

I do not want to lose my fiance at all. I love her very much. At same time i do not want to be ungrateful to ABC, she really helped me a lot. We all of a sudden cannot leave her. I do not even feel like distancing from her as she is just jealous of my girlfriend and i support my fiancee in this. but i am not the cause of her behavior. She is a very good friend of mine. Thats it. Here in this situation my girlfriend in becoming a little rigid. she is blaming me being cause of situation without analysing everything. I do not have a single clue if ABC likes me or not. I do not like ABC at all. so there is no chance of me doing anything with her. But again i will say she is very close friend of ours.

[rafterman]

Try and hook up a threesome... Maybe some sexual tension between you all .... HTH TIA (ABC)

[michelle23]

well what is more imortant? fiance or friend? choose now and if you cant-well then the answer is simple-call off the wedding

[manava]

both are important...but picking one is not the solution.

ABC was never any option. Its just my fiancee because i love her. My fiancee is just becoming insecure , she is having trust issues that i might end up doing something with ABC.

[michelle23]

yes and if you really love this girl-you will try to understand how she feels and put her first. if i was her i would dump you. good luck when your single again. ABC will eep you warm at night

[manava]

i am a people person. i just like hanging out with people and talking to different people. I like to socialize. so even though i talk to girls or flirt with them i do not cheat at my girlfriend. She is insecure. Whenevr i talk to any girl or a friend is over, sometimes my fiancee comes and sit between us. It is little wierd. She have trust issues with her. However i want her to trust me and be with me. I want to marry her.

[rafterman]

OP.... you're not even compatible with your fiance. You actually sound a bit more biased towards ABC

[rafterman]

but picking one is not the solution..

lol..... its every bit about picking one. Lifes full of tough decisions, get use to it

[Valixy]

I personally would never be best friends with a guy that would be so jealous of my partner's success. I would not consider that person his friend anymore or mine and I would not want a person like that in my life, not to mention in our relationship.

Whatever your problems are, your girlfriend is insecure, you're too sociable, etc, have nothing to do with the situation created and maintained by you and that 'helpful' girl. All relationships have problems, so don't try to divert your girlfriend's attention from the main issue by calling her insecure and in this way finding excuses for your behaviour. You should know though that not in all relationships the guy feels that his best friend is a girl that is betraying his future wife's trust.

Maybe your girlfriend should develop a close friendship with a guy that is jealous of your success, betrays your trust, is very interested in her and helps her a lot... And whenever you will ask your girlfriend to distance herself of that guy, she should tell you that she owes him a lot, that she isn't interested in him but she needs you both and she couldn't choose between you too. And on top of everything she should remind you of all situations when you've been insecure hoping that you'll simply become quiet this way and forcing you to keep on putting up with her excuses for hurting you. She should also flirt with other guys every now and then, not for trying to cheat on you but just for the sake of being sociable.

[VincenzoG91]

both are important...but picking one is not the solution.

Actually, that is exactly what marriage is: picking one. If you're not ready to choose the person you will spend the rest of your life with, then you're not ready for marriage. It's as simple as that.