What Does This Sound Like to You?

[Rowen]

Hey, so for the past five years, my parents have slowly started fighting more and more. Don't get me wrong- they've fought a lot before, but now it's more and more. This is all because my Dad has gone through a number of changes in personality. He's gotten grouchier, been miserable and has pretty much been making others miserable on purpose, and been more and more self-centered. For example, he acts nasty to everyone and picks fights with my mother over tiny things. He criticizes everyone for everything they do. And he's even shorter tempered than usual. My mother, being the kind person she is, has tried to be supportive of him and give him attention as he's gone through these changes (as she's read about this online- apparently, a number of men in their 50's go through it), but he's just gotten worse and worse. It's to the point, however, where she expressed to me tonight that she can't wait until he leaves the house or she goes to work because he's not there. She's happier when he's on business out of the state away from home. And the wife of one of their friends told my mother in confidence that she feels like my mother is living with a four-year-old.
So...I'm kind of wondering if this sounds like they're heading for a divorce? And I'm not sure if I should be happy if they would because I think it'd be the best for her and my brother and I...? And I'm not sure if I should do anything else other than listen? I listen already- my mother pretty much vents/talks about it all every single day to me and my brother. :S

[HeartIsAching]

Sounds to me as if resentment has reached it's breaking point.

yeah, they're probably headed for divorce... unless they get some couples counseling and re-learn how to communicate with each other. Something's going on that underlies all of this.

[Rowen]

Well, the only thing I can think of that would underlie it are the grudges he's held? :S Like, his parents were horrible to him when he was a kid and they still are. His entire side of the family treats him like shit, but he keeps coming back for it and kissing their asses. And he holds onto other ones like the fact that Budweiser (the place he used to work) laid him off and he took a (minor, mind you) paycut going to a new job at Air Products. I'm not sure if that could have something to do with it? But he seems to act the worst to the three of us. I mean, he wasn't buttercups and rainbows before (that's a different story.. :S), but now it seems like he feels entitled or something. For instance, last night, I worked from 9 am till 4:30 pm. When I got home, I was dead tired, and I took a break in between when I put dinner in the oven and when I cooked the vegetables. That caused a difference of 8 minutes between when the main course was done cooking and when the vegetables were done...He got pissed off because they weren't served at exactly the same time. Another time, he went for a drive with my mother and complained the entire time about how she drives, saying she was going too fast for driving 25 mph. At my graduation, he was in the stands telling people that I "could've gotten more than one scholarship had I tried harder" and that I just seem to "drain him of all his money" even though I work like a dog to try and earn a few bucks.

[catnip]

hugs to you Rowen.

I'll confess straight up that I approach problems like a man. That is; I have tendency to try and find a solution. With this in mind, have you ever said "I know how miserable you are at the moment and I feel the same way. So, what are we going to do about it?

In short, I'd be trying to start a dialogue of 'what next' and let her know she has your support if she leaves. Sometimes, getting yourself to admit it's time to go is the hardest step.

[rafterman]

Is he under pressure at work ?... He might be looking for someone(s) to vent at, after work. ?

[sadbunnyface]

They could benefit from couples counseling, I think. Would either of them go? Especially your dad, if not your mom could go and talk herself. My sister went during her marriage, her husband felt it was beneath him and she decided after talking to an impartial party it was best for her and their daughter that they divorce. You dad is pulling them apart and if only your mom is the glue, he will eventually win and they will go separate ways. Has she told your dad how miserable his moods are making her?

[Rowen]

Thank you, all, for your replies.

To catnip- That's a good idea. And I don't want to pressure her unless it makes her go the other way and decide to tough it out no matter what. I guess I've just sort of tried being there as an ear and letting her decide for herself? And he's pretty impossible to talk to. I've tried discussing a number of things with him in the past; every time has ended in an argument. And I'm always wrong, and he's always right. His version of being "right" of course is screaming like a bratty child, throwing giant tantrums, and making excuses for himself while criticizing others. He actually, at one time, tried to charge my brother and I rent while we were in middle school just because he thought we were "ungrateful" (which, if any of you have ever read up on PA State Law, is illegal due to minors being dependents). But I could give a try, definitely.

To Rafter- I'd say kind of. But just in the way that he can't let go of the fact that things have changed. At Air Products, he now has to actually work all the time- not just go and tinker on projects not related to work like at Budweiser. But mostly all his complaints stem from the fact that he's not pleased with making less money. He likes all his coworkers pretty much. And even if he vents at my mother, he still acts like a dick.

To Sadbunny- That's true. I doubt my Dad would ever go to marriage counseling, anyway. But my mother might. The only third party she really talks to is the wife of the family friend I wrote about. And even then, since that wife's husband acts the same, she tries to encourage her not to put up with it.