I keep fixing myself, my partner doesn't. HELP...

[Vandle]

I'm 27, soon to be 28, and dating a 22 year old for the last 2 years. For the first 6 months or so, everything was great between us. Things got a little bumpy, but we worked it out, because we were crazy about each other. Then drama from living apart (her with a room-mate that hated my guts) made it hard to meet up. We still managed it, though rarely. Then she finally moved in with her dad (just a tad awkward).

Ever since then, I seem less and less important. We see one another maybe weekly. Last time she didn't even pause her YouTube video to get up and hug me. We barely have any... INTIMACY. I'm the one initiating such encounters exclusively. And when I get frustrated (or after a long enough wait, PISSY), she claims sex is all I care about. Now I find this both disturbing and strange, as she is the younger of us.

I help clean up their house, though I spend one night at a time there. Last I visited, the same load of dishes I washed was still in the dishwasher, and BOTH sinks were full. The cat box is a solid mass. The dogs that aren't supposed to be there can only go out at night, to avoid detection. They don't get taken out at night. Guess where they do their business. Now guess who cleans it up. THIS guy.

Now, I love her. No B.S. I'm very invested. All I hear about is how I'm obsessed with sex, angry all the time, and need to change. When I mention the changes I need though... Hiroshima has NOTHING on the hell that gets called down. I always get a lecture about how petty my requests are, and how they're just small things. But if they're such small things, why can't they get done? And does anyone else think that being intimate with your spouse once a week is too much to ask?

Basically, what I need, is a different way to say "This is unacceptable", that will get RESULTS, instead of a THERMONUCLEAR DETONATION. I'm not perfect either, but I'm fixing my issues. I don't see any effort from her... as I WORK my HAIRY MAN-BOOBS OFF! All she does is put herself down, and accept that she will never be good enough. She has actually said things to this effect SEVERAL TIMES. And every time, I disagree, say that it's her choice, and she can be what she WANTS to be. We're taking a week to cool off, and once that time's up, I'll need a plan here. If anyone has dealt with a situation similar to this one, PLEASE HELP ME.

[basilandthyme]

Vandle, stop trying to change her - it's an impossible task. Mate, it's time for you to accept that she is showing you exactly who she is: Messy, lazy, self absorbed, low self esteem, drama queen, unwilling to see things from your side and not interested in sex with you. And most of all, she's clearly happy with who she is and therefore DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE. Thing is, if she was willing to change, she wouldn't be reacting like she is now.

You have a choice to make: Stay and accept her for who she is - or leave and find someone more suited to you.

One last thing - you say you love her. Why do you love her? What are all the things she does which make you love her?

[TablesandChairs]

She can't help living with her dad at this point in time so I suppose that does kill intimacy somewhat - I don't think I could ever do 'it' in the same house as either of my parents...why can't you spend time at your place?

That said, there's really no excuse for being so lazy and gross.

[Vandle]

basilandthyme:
Good advice, that I've heard often. I have accepted, and keep accepting. The problem is that I think about what it's going to be like when (and now IF) marriage, sharing a home of our own, and children became involved. I get grief over the fact that I'm an angry person. That isn't strictly true. I'm a passionate person. ALL of my emotions run hot. I can't change that, and keep hearing about how I should 'relax'. She does enough relaxing for both of us. Then I get flak for my 'violent thoughts'. But they're just THOUGHTS, which help me vent. If I'd actually maimed or beaten someone, I could see her problem. As it stands, not so much. I've also stopped sharing my deep dark opinions with her. Mostly so the comments about me being messed up will stop.

And 'Why do I love her?'. She is silly when I'm serious. She used to accept me for who I am, though that seems to have changed. We have similar views on the nature of people and religion. She and I had an instant, palpable chemistry, but it seems like her fire has died. I see only half of what I loved in her now, but that's still enough for me to try. Two years almost. Two years I've striven to make this work. And it seems she just doesn't want to try at all, let alone as hard as I've been. I have to ask you: Am I keeping this going out of pure vanity and insecurity?

TablesandChairs:
The reason I can't invite her here is: I'm living somewhere I shouldn't even be, at the courtesy of people who don't even have guests of their own over. To quote Wind in the Willows -"He hates company", "Whether I'm the host or the invited guest". And to address the problems of being intimate in her father's home: I intentionally choose time that he is at work to arrive. Most of my visit is spent with just the two of us and pets present. It is only the fact the she suddenly appears to have zero libido that keeps us from coupling.

And I fully agree with your final statement. There is no excuse for the level of filth in that home. Her father frequently allows his friend's teenage daughter and her boyfriend to assist in trashing the place, making things infinitely worse. That said, I've gotten it back to working order 4 separate times. Each time it's a stye in a matter of days.

Thank you both for your advice, and I'm glad you care at all.

[michelle23]

Uh how you can even stay in such a nasty place. Shes a pig. I couldnt live like that. Do you wana be married to a lazy smelly slob in a dirty house with a wife who puts you down all the time and never has sex with you?

So what? Shes silly and shares your views on a few things.. You are not compatable. And the cons defo outweigh the pros. Id be running for the hills

[Vandle]

Look, you're probably right. To the tune of 90% or higher. But since when has emotional attachment been a logical thing? When I tell someone "no matter what", I mean it. It just seems like she doesn't. We both said we would make changes to accommodate each other, and it seems I'm the only one doing so. So, here comes the pain, again.

[michelle23]

You cannot change her. That is one thing you need to realize. You shouldn't have to enter a relationship and mold her into your ideal woman and change almost everything about her so she matches your standards and expectations. You should find a girl that you don't need to change at all. That you love fully for who she is.

Compatibility is important and you and she are not compatible. Sure it hurts, all breakups do but wouldn't it be nice to meet a nice girl who is very hygienic, who has a clean house and who wants to jump you daily or even every second day? lol Who doesn't put you down all the time and treats you just as good as you treat her. You could be very very happy with someone else, you could love someone else just as much, if not more than you love her.

We mourn every loss and then we move on. It just takes time but you would be over her in 6 months tops and then ready to set your standards far higher.

You have two choices: Stay and live like a pig in shit for the next 20 years with a woman who has no respect for you and refuses to sleep with you or go now so you can find someone better in 6 months time when you are over her.

I don't see how love can not be logical. At least to me it is. I think with my head though and I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. You should know whats good for you and what isn't and find the strength to walk away from what isn't

Good luck

[basilandthyme]

Look, you're probably right. To the tune of 90% or higher. But since when has emotional attachment been a logical thing? When I tell someone "no matter what", I mean it. It just seems like she doesn't. We both said we would make changes to accommodate each other, and it seems I'm the only one doing so. So, here comes the pain, again.

I think you shouldn't be using the phrase 'no matter what'. It's the equivalent of 'unconditional love' - which has no place in an adult-adult relationship. Unconditional love is only healthy in a parent-child relationship.

Thing is, our love should come with conditions. Conditions such as having our needs met, being given respect, thoughtfulness, caring and having compatible morals, ethics and goals. If our partner drops the ball, it's OK to move on.

basilandthyme:
Good advice, that I've heard often. I have accepted, and keep accepting. The problem is that I think about what it's going to be like when (and now IF) marriage, sharing a home of our own, and children became involved. I get grief over the fact that I'm an angry person. That isn't strictly true. I'm a passionate person. ALL of my emotions run hot. I can't change that, and keep hearing about how I should 'relax'. She does enough relaxing for both of us. Then I get flak for my 'violent thoughts'. But they're just THOUGHTS, which help me vent. If I'd actually maimed or beaten someone, I could see her problem. As it stands, not so much. I've also stopped sharing my deep dark opinions with her. Mostly so the comments about me being messed up will stop.

Ah, see this is the flipside. In this situation, you're experiencing what you're doing to her. She doesn't like a part of your personality and has made it clear. You're OK with who you are and so you aren't open to changing. Your unwillingness to change this part of yourself is exactly how she feels when you pressure her for change.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't stay with a man who has violent thoughts. You might call it passion, but I'd call it scary.

And 'Why do I love her?'. She is silly when I'm serious. She used to accept me for who I am, though that seems to have changed. We have similar views on the nature of people and religion. She and I had an instant, palpable chemistry, but it seems like her fire has died. I see only half of what I loved in her now, but that's still enough for me to try. Two years almost. Two years I've striven to make this work. And it seems she just doesn't want to try at all, let alone as hard as I've been. I have to ask you: Am I keeping this going out of pure vanity and insecurity?

And she shouldn't have to strive to make this work. Truth is, the only reason this is so hard is because the two of you aren't compatible. You need to remember that good, healthy relationships simply aren't hard work to keep going. There comes a time when the only sensible thing to do is say "this is too hard, I'm walking away".

I've been with my hubby for over 20 years. Our relationship is easy and comfortable and doesn't require hard work. This is the type of relationship you should be looking for.

[TablesandChairs]

Being with the wrong person can bring out the absolute worst in you; daily frustration, not having your needs met and generally feeling the void. A relationship within compatibility will always be a struggle; there is only so much compromising you can do before you feel bitter and resentful. It's not about 'changing' people - once you get to that point, you've got a problem. You should get along great most of the time - some hiccups here and there are normal but not on a daily or even weekly basis.

She sounds like she's fallen out of love - I was a bit of a 'zombie' when I stopped feeling anything for my ex and my libido was as dead as it gets...I was always trying to avoid him, he was always complaining about not having his needs met. Similar situation to yours I guess. Are you sure she still wants to be in the relationship OR are you in a relationship because you're doing all the heavy lifting?

[michelle23]

OP I also suggest some counselling for you for your violent thoughts. This isnt normal and it is just another sign of how unhappy you are.

Before my bf met me, he had a lot of anger due to family issues but he said meeting me and falling in love really calmed him down. He used to go out drinking and would get into fights. He hasn't been in any fights at all in the past 5 years although he almost did 3-4 times. But my point is, if you were with the right girl-I doubt your angry thoughts would be so bad.

[Vandle]

I'm mentally ill. Didn't mention that, did I? Schizo-affective disorder. If you want the details, feel free to look it up. It's been an up-hill battle getting as far as I have. But I'm doing better. At least, as far as just me. I got over her issues, and was willing to accept everything. But then she kept bringing up how bad things got for the interim six months of our relationship, even though that mess had ended. So, I couldn't help mentioning how her time as a sex-worker (yes, do the math there) prior to our relationship still bothered me. She EXPLODED. And apparently I can expect my things sometime later this week. Guess my concerns are supposed to be relegated to past history, while hers can be dragged from their graves at any time. I'm not going to lie, I'm in agony. I LOVE HER, still, present-tense. That will probably never change. I'm now forced to move on. I'll be leaving the state with my family soon. And will probably never see the person I thought was my soul-mate again. Please, don't be snide. I know you were right. I just don't know how to pick up the pieces again. If anyone would be good enough to help me, I would really appreciate it. Thank you all.

[basilandthyme]

Vandle, you start picking up the pieces by realising that she was NOT a soul mate. A relationship with a Soul Mate should be easy and comfortable. Not a mess of each other not getting their individual needs met. The two of you were not even compatible.

Get honest with yourself about how unhappy you were with her. And get honest with others about your mood issues - trying to explain mental illness as 'passion' will get you nowhere. And keep up the work you're doing on yourself.

[Vandle]

Thanks. You're right. My brother warned me at the start. I have a hard time seeing things objectively. It's always subjective, from the emotional standing. I can't seem to view the logical truth of the thing. I hope there is someone who can accept me, with my flaws, my needs, and my whole self. Maybe going somewhere I've missed for so long will help me get things in perspective. I'll do my best to keep in touch, because you've proven yourself a true friend.

[HeartIsAching]

Vandle, BnT's nailed it in every post.

You can't change her, you can only tell her what you'll accept and what you won't. If she won't change behaviors for something that you find unacceptable, you have to decide if you can live with it or not. If not... then it's time to skedaddle.

Frankly to me it sounds as if she's not invested in the relationship.

[Vandle]

I've just been informed tonight that she didn't tell me about only one person she met while we were apart. A friend she purposefully drove me away from (and her from me) told me about how she escorted Kris on two dates with "Brian", the last of which ended in an overnight stay. He then refused all contact with her. There is only one reason she didn't tell me about this person at all. This happened MONTHS ago, when there was no problems currently to the fore. Apparently I was never supposed to learn these things. Not even mad. Just lost all respect or sense of obligation.