Girlfriends ex husband passed suddenly last week

[DonM77]

I don't even know where to begin with all this. The entire situation is simply a mess and I'm in need of some advice here.

I've been in a relationship with my gf for nearly 4 years. I'm 36, she is 50. The relationship began while she was seperated from her husband they were div two years into our relationship. We have been living together, along with her 19 year old daugher since july of 2012. We have had our problems since day 1 but love eachother very much and pretty much push threw everything in our relationship.

Last week her exhusband passed away all of a sudden at the age of 51. He had cancer but was doing well and this isn't believed to be the cause of death. My gf, and her two daughters are obvisouly devasted. She has a 30 year old from a previous marriage, which he raised from the time she was 10. Her first husband died of an overdose which makes this even harder for both my gf and her oldest daughter.

Her second husband who just passed was believed to be very depressed from the div. He secluded himself from everyone except a friend who had been taking care of him towards the end. Needless to say my gf has a huge amount of guilt for his death now. She blames the cancer on stress that he had. He blew through $50k on basically nothing since the div buying random things and was down to $7k in his account. He had medical bills from the cancer ect... We are unsure why he died, could have been an overdose on pain meds, cancer, high bloodpressure ect. We just dont know.

The bottom line is my gf nows feels guilty for his death and is looking for any excuse to blame herself. To make matters worse he has a father, brother, and two sisters that really seem to careless. The 19 year old daughter was next of kin and was left everything. Because she is 19 and the fact she is devasted my gf had to step in and help her with funeral services ect... His siblings were basically no help what so ever. There was life insurance on him and the brother said he would pay for everything but had a lawyer draw up papers saying that if he paid up, the money needed to be refunded back with in 30 days. In addition to that the daughter is no longer responsible for everything. The daughter refused to sign for obvious reasons so her mother stepped in and paid the service. The funeral home kept calling them saying they needed to come down and sign these papers the brother had drawn up. Which makes no sense to me what so ever. When she arrived at the funeral home she learned the brother had paid for the services even though the daughter hadn't signed the papers. My gf for whatever reason scared she was gonna have to obide by the brothers stipulations ended up paying by check to avoid a mess down the road. Normally the funeral home collects from the life insurance if i'm not mistaken?

I've never seen a funeral home handle things this way #1, #2 the siblings are complete jerks and #3 I've never seen an ex wife have to handle every aspect of their ex's passing.

It has been a very bad week for everyone including me. It's difficult seeing them so upset and I feel like an outsider in this situation. My gf while laying in bed cried in my arms the first night. Everything regarding him has been the only thing that we have discussed in the last week. Our relationship is on hold and I feel i'm no longer a lover but a friend right now. I try to be supportive in every way possible, I've been more of a listener than anything else right now which is prob all she needs. Not to sound insensitive or selfish but I find it incredibly difficult listening to everything over the last week as it's a 24/7 conversation. I feel like I can only take so much, many of his belongings are laying in our living room. The other night I asked a friend to meet up with me for a drink and my gf gave me a hard time about it. I don't think she understand how difficult it is on my part. This isn't about me, but I have a life and felt the need to step out for a break. I don't feel required to grieve with her.

She is under a lot of stress right now and begged me to help her last night. I don't know in this situation how I can help. I feel bad for her but at the same time I feel like she took on this role to help her daughter out of guilt. Although I've been supportive and understanding in all this and will continue to be as I love her very much. This is going to be a few rough months for our relationship, is there anyone out there been in a similar situation? Advice please?

[DonM77]

Bumping this to the first page so this can be seen

[Boisdevie]

I'd be surprised if there was anyone here who had experienced that. Your GF took on all this - it's for her to deal with not you. As an aside, don't you think it's a bit wierd a man of your age with a GF so much older than you?

[Wakeup]

This is when your partner needs your strength and support the most. She's decided to take this on so that her daughter can be less burdened with the responsibility. As her current partner, I don't think it's much to ask of you that you have her back for awhile until things settle down and they all come to terms with what just happened.

If it goes on for months on end then I would be a little more sympathetic to you but as it stands, as you've discribed things, I'm not sympathetic to you at this point at all. Buck up buck-a-roo and support your partner in her time of need.

Grab a bottle of wine and share it with your partner would have been a more sensitive thing to do then to go out with "a buddy" to get your drink on at this point.

If things go on and on and she's not coping then I suggest you get her some information on grief councelling or personal councelling so that she learns to say no to things that she's not going to be able to handle.

[4 ratties]

Two husbands with overdoses? Coincidence or murder?

[surfhb2]

Two husbands with overdoses? Coincidence or murder?

Or Suicide?

[DonM77]

I'd be surprised if there was anyone here who had experienced that. Your GF took on all this - it's for her to deal with not you. As an aside, don't you think it's a bit wierd a man of your age with a GF so much older than you?

Weird? No not at all why would this be weird? Age is just a number and she looks and is in better shape than most woman my age.