Please help me . thats a big post i requires your time

[ineedlove]

First, i am a male 19 years old, a 12 passout preparing for entrance exams this year and shy to girls.
2 years back i liked a girl but never said something to her coz i was not ready(with new relationship comes responsibilities), it took me around 1 year to get ready to say all my feelings to her, at that time i completed my 11th class, i thought when my new session for 12 class will start i will say everything to her on first day, but after waiting for 5 days when she didnt turned up in school i talked to her classmate he told me that she failed to pass 11th class(i really felt very bad) and left the school, so i asked him where is she now he said he dont know. At that time i dont even know where she lives so i checked school records, in around 10 days i collected all info about her but also got to know that she was already in relationship with my good old friend and she was happy with him, this broke my heart and took me around 7-8 months to come out of that bad and low feeling, it also had a bad impact on my 12 marks.

Its been 1 year i have even stopped thinking about her.

Now from last 7 months i started liking another girl, actually i knew her from her childhood as she is my first cousin (my mother's brother's daughter)(you might feel awkard, but you know i am just a human bieng, then you might think feelings can also come for your blood related sister then answer is no that feeling will never come for your blood related sister because they share different kind of love). She have 3 brothers and she is youngest among them, her oldest brother got married just 7 months ago and i really did a hard work on his wedding reception helping his other 2 brothers.

At first i started escaping the truth that i like her but now i know i loves her..
Its been a 4 months when messaging started between us, once she told me that from last 2 months her life was going unaccepted, she also said she hate this world , hate herself , every thing is fake , there is no true love , no true relationship , no true happiness, this all let me to think that she is hurt from inside , i asked her the reason for her unhappiness she didnt told me, after not knowing the reason i started convincing her that everything is present you have to find it and wait for right time, i also told about my past experince and my liking for a girl in past and what all bad time i suffered, then i told her now iam alright, forgotten every thing..(after 2 hours messaging i found her a little convinced ).. (at that time i know it by my heart that this is not the right time for me to say about my liking for her, coz she was hurt and she needs time to heal).

After a few days she messaged me "i am feeling very low, have tears in my eyes , and lot of things frustrates me and please dont message me again", after that i thought have i hurt her?, done something wrong i was feeling very bad, but i didnt message her anything after that, on that day at night my mother told me we have to go to your uncle's house next day!

Next day we reached their home and stayed there for three days, the first day i didnt talked to her but at night she messaged me two good night messages but i didnt replied her, next day in morning when she was going to her school she gave me a smile and left for school. Her smile definately melted me down at night we all were at the top of the house i was standing wih one of his brother and she was standing by her brothers side after few mins her brother moved ahead talknig on cell phone , then suddenly she came close to me and said "sorry for that message(the one in which she asked me not to message her again)", i said "its ok", she then told me "my brothers blew up on me becasue i was always busy messaging and they told this to my mother ", she apologised me i was ok, then i switched the topic i asked her "are you all right now?" (because when she came back from school she was not feeling well), she replied "yes iam ok now!, my aunt is staring me", i looked her aunt and she was staring us and also all her brothers were staring us so we moved down.
Next day i got wet in rain and got a high fever, i was lying on the sofa and she was sitting opposite to me listening to music and her brother sitting next to me then his brother hold my hand and said "you have got a high fever why dont you take a nap", within a sec her message striked my cell "have you got fever! Are you alright", i replied "yes, i have got fever ", she was just messaging "go and take mdicine", and i was saying "ill take it afterwards", and she was just "go and take mdicine", so i get to a doctor when i get back their home she gave me a blanket and asked me to take a nap.

The next day i got back to our home and messaging between us again started bdtween us, after a couple of days she asked me about that girl i liked in past i told her truth, i said "i took my steps back when i get to know that she was with someone else", she asked me her name, i just told her the truth. After few mins i dont know what came to my mind i really cant resist to say everything to her, so i messaged her "i need to say something, that's eating me from inside"
she replied "yes you can tell me" i then said "i really dont mean to hurt you, please dont take it to your heart if you dont like it, and first iam sorry
i like you"
she then replied "first dont be sorry!
Tell me the truth
be serious
if its a joke it will hurt me , if its not than can i say somthing"
i said "i am serious , and why would i be joking" (well iknow i conveyed my feelings too early but now it has happened)
she then said "i likes you too, but others will not understand our feelings , you dont know nothing about me so why you said you like me and also we cant talk much "
i just replied "others first understand their feelings and i said i like you because you have clean heart"
(that time i cried of joy) that day i enjoyed as i never did , studied as i never did , slept so peacefully it was so good.

On that day, at night i did 3 good night msgs(well one gud night msg was more than enough but now i regrets why i overmessaged), she replied me that "please dont send more msgs, i need to tell you something about myself but tommorow and gud night".
Next day she messaged me "dont do many msgs coz its not my personal cell (it was a cell that always remains home),
or brother will feel something wrong and dis time im nt ready 2 any rltion with any body nd whats our 'age' now nothing, we have future ahead ,nd ill only say this
focus on ur studies and me also.
Sorry if i hurt u..
thats it by my side!"
at that time i was regretting why i did those many messages
then i replied
"sry i wont msg again
What u hv said in ur first msg tday u shd hv tld me yesterday, u might hv refused me yesterday, coz it wont hurt me tht much that time as i hv now.
I hv realised that i did some over messaging.
Bye and sry if i hurt u by any means."
she than replied
"you shoudnt be sry
there are many other things in my life which frustrates me . Can i tell you about that?"
i said yes of course
she said "i knew a guy from past 2 years and i loves him but that guy loves someone else"
now i knew her root cause of unhappiness.. I said to her u should have told me this yesterday..But she didnt replied
in the night i messaged her some good quote , then she replied me with some good quote.. At that time i dont know what happened to me i replied to her "the last msg which i did was sent to you accidently, i was sending that msg to a group but forget to remove u from there, so please dont msg me again"
she then replied "ok i will never msg u again"( i fought over messages that was most immature thing that a person can do, but it has happened)
now i regret why i said to her "i forget to remove you from group" but the truth is i cant even remove her from my heart..
I really did a cowardly mistake whome was i showing anger. The whole night i cant sleep, i was angry on me what for what i have done , i punched the wall hard 10-12 times my hand got swelling but it didnt pained but my heart was paining a lot.
In the morning at around 4 am i realised that i need to correct my mistake so i started writing message from my left hand it took me 2 hours to write my message the msg coz it was quite long,
i wrote how much good i felt when u said u like me too described every moment, told her that how much bad i felt when u said thats it from my side , how much bad i felt when i showed anger to u last night, told her that tried to give pain to my self but nothing happened.
I sent this msg at around 7 am and at 8:49 am she called me but my cell was on silent ,she msgd me why didnt you take my call, i replied my cell was on silent she then said she will call me when she will get time,
in the noon she called me she said the msg i sent to her at 7am was read by her oldest brother and his wife, i was shocked, my mind just got paralysed i didnt said a word just listining to her she was crying she said i cant even rise my eyes to my brother and his wife what would they be thinking about me, she said that they both had some words with me they said we both trust you we will not be telling this to anyone her brother said he knew me he is a good guy but we will see all this in future , she also said to me she is ready for everting but in future she at last said be happy , good bye and dissconnected the phone. After that thousand of questions started flooding my mind and depressed me. In the last 2 weeks i messaged 4 quotes in the hope she will reply me so that i can message that i want to talk to her want to clear all my misunderstanding and want to apologise, but she didnt replied and i cant directly message her i want to talk to you , coz if someone reads it i will lead to me and her in trouble again. So after many sleepless nights and low feeling i decided to talk to her brother to clear everything from him and to seek permission to talk to her sister, i called him i asked him did he read my msg he said yes then i asked him are you free i need to talk to u, he replied my wife will solve this matter but she is at her mothers home and will be coming back in a month. I was shocked in a month means 30 days.

Another thing that i cant understand his brother he dont want to talk he just married 4 months ago , he is close to his sis or his wife?? obviously he..

The next 40 days was very hard for me sleepless nights, low bp , just thinking and thinking and thinking of her, it was so bad feeling, feeling of guilt was killing me from inside, my studies got distracted , i lost my paticence , just gets hyper on small small things drowned into my feelings , i just wanted to clear all the mess i created but dont know how to do that?
I tried everything to distract my mind by doing some physical exercise , studying , playing games but nothing worked.

After 40 days Now there was a new turn she called me up and said my oldest brother was viewing his fb messages on pc an i saw your name in messages, she asked me what�s the matter, i told her that i am going to talk to your bro and his wife the message was just about it.
She said �i should stay away from her brother and his wife�, she said i dont want my brothers interfere my life.
I tried to convince her that they both have questions in their mind which are needed to be answered, she replied let those questions and my brothers go to hell. Then i was confused that after talking to me if they asked her any question , she will definitely blame me for her brother interfering her life�
She also said she needs to talk me face to face, i said the same but , i told her its impossible right now to talk face to face until there is a family get together,
she was in a hurry and said ill talk you later i asked her to call me when she gets time..

After a week on sunday she again called me it was an half hour talk but in that time we cleared most of our misunderstandings but there was still a need to talk face to face.

[ineedlove]

Finally on Eid my family visited their house,
when i entered their house she said i was waiting for you to come, my family and their family was busy taking each other and we both in other room was talking all what happened ( at that time i was unable to talk properly and cant even look into her eyes i was feeling so bad )(at this time her eldest brother and her wife was not at home but we were still scared talking if anybody see us).
She said �sorry for everything� (i dont know why she was sorry) but she said i told you the truth very early that i like you and even i said i told you the truth very early that i like you,
even i apologised her for that message she said dont be sorry other wise iil kill someone(like she was joking) i said kill me,
she said the life she is living is not her life but her family�s thing who controlles it,
then she told me about that guy she liked 2 years back she said we are just friends and now i know what kind of guy he is now, then she asked me that �do you really liked that girl?� i told her the truth that �yes previously i liked her , but when i get to know that she was with someone else, i took my steps back, even i never expressed my feelings to her�, she said �you can�t get her you find me� i was shocked what she thinks about me, i replied �see when i get to know that she was with someone else, i took my steps back , and after that girl i never thought that i need to find someone else or i need someone in my life, there are lot of girls at school at coaching but my feelings came only for you, and i think you are comparing me with bad boys please dont compare me with other guys�, she was quite convinced by my answer
then i said �iam not so mean that i will make space in someone�s heart forcefully�, i asked �am i doing so� she said �no no no nodding her head and smiling�,
one thing she was constantly saying was that �forget what all has happened, what i said to you and what you said to me�, i was still confused am i forcefully making space in her heart??
So i asked her again �please tell me the truth am i forcefully making space in your heart, iam not so mean�, and this time she was almost on her KNEES and said its nothing like that , i felt so embarrassed even i got to my KNEES and asked her to stand and sit on sofa, i believed her iam not forcing her to make space for me,
she then again said �forget what all has happened, what i said to you and what you said to me�, after that i heard her brother�s bikes voice so we both left the conversation here and i asked her there is 2 min conversation left if i get chance today ill say otherwise call me tommorow(i never got chance that day).
I felt so embarrassed in front of her brother and his wife that i never looked up i was just constantly looking down.
Her behaviour towards me the whole day was very sweet, almost 4-5 times i looked towards her and saw that she was already looking towards me everytime she gave me a smile.
At night there was a quarrel between some people outside their house so everyone walked out to see whats happening , there was a big crowd there so i walked in she was standing behind the gate as i entered she blocked my way i trurned left she also moved left she asked are you MIFFED(UPSET) of/from me i said no no no i was in hurry because her eldest brother was also coming if he see both of us like that at that time he would definately burst on me.
When we were leaving her brother holded my hand harshly and said my wife will talk to you so call me tommorow, i said ok,
he then moved in she came and said COME HERE WHENEVER YOU CAN and said gud night take care and ill call tommorow , i replied you also take care gud night and headed towards the car,
when i was sitting in the car my head accidently banged on door of car i got unconcious for a minute she was still standing on the gate when we reached home she messaged �why didn�t you carefully entered the car , are you hit badly , are you alright now� i just replied �yes iam alright now, take care�.
Next day at 5 pm she gave a missed call i called her back first thing she asked me is your head alright now i said yes.
She asked what you want to say tommorow say now i said �see you are bounded by your family you dont have privacy iam not too desperate to talk you but i can wait for you in future� she said �have you seen future� i said �no, but iam confused clear everything now i think iam forcefully making space�, she said �forget every thing what you said and what i said to you� �FORGET ME MOVE ON(in lying tone) you want to listen this�, i said �yes� i was quiet for a few seconds she dissconnected the call , i called her back to say take care and if need any help ask me but she rejected my call so i messaged this to her.
Then i called to her brother he gave the phone to his wife she said �you looked so tensed yesterday you was just looking down� i replied �i was feeling very embarrassing� she said �forget everything what all happened, as nothing has happened, come to our home like you did it before� i said �i will never be able to come there like i did it before�, she said �nothing has happened , just forget what happened and just study well and next time when you come here dont feel bad keep your head up and then i will talk� i said
�ok� then she dissconnected the call. That day i cant sleep the whole night and next day i got high fever.


After 12 days i visited her house once again but this time we stayed there for 4 days , first 2 days were compltely awful i was feeling so embarrassed in front of her oldest brother and his wife that i got high fever, so at the end of second day i gathered all my strength and got to her eldest brother ,all i wanted to do is that i want to apologise him but embarrassment grapsed my tounge as soon as i was going to say sorry my mother joined us and sent me to market(i was just oh god, i know how i gathered all that strength but my tounge freezed and when i was going to say sorry to him my mother sent me to market, on the way to market my eyes were filled with tears). Well after that at 9 pm i again gathered all my strength and this time got to her eldest brothers wife she was also with her i asked her leave us alone for 2 mins but she didn't left us alone so in front of her i apologised her sister in law she said �forget everything what all happened, as nothing has happened, come to our home like you did it before� i just replied "i will never come here again iam feeling awful here", she said "don't say like this nothing has happened, come to our home like you did it before", suddenly she jumped in our conversation she said "i need to talk you for 5 mins", her sister in law asked her may i leave you alone she said yes , then the first thing she said to me was "forgive me" , i replied "why are you sorry, i was getting idiot and crazy for you", she said "the thing which should be think upon 10 hours you were asking on phone that time that second", i said "yes you are right that was a thing to think upon 10 hours, but dont you think it should be asked at that point of our life, i never expected anything from you nothing but only a promise, but i didnt get it", she then said "i need time",
i replied "take your time", and she was just amazed as if i gave her somthing priceless( well i just respected her wishes ), she said "can i take time(in amazed voice)", i replied "yes of course", well after that our conversation switched to the occasion for which we all gathered to their house ,after 10mins her sis in law came and said your brother coming to house lets move down(as we all were on top of house) she said 2mins more but SIL(sis in law) said your brothers coming lets go down, so we moved down, the next 2 days i was comfortable there, the first two days she was ignoring me but the next 2 days we both were comfortable in front of her eldest brother and his wife, well we both had small small talks(1 - 2 mins, these conversations were like about school and about our lives) during these days, i got some hints from her like when i was comparing my heigth with one of his brother and asked other brother who is my tall i saw she was all noticing it; when i was standing with one of his brother(not eldest one) in the hall way she was standing with us and she drew the curtain of the door because from where we were standing we can be noticed from her eldest brothers room and she was carefully listining my conversation with her brother, well iam confused by these hints. When i was going back to home i was standing near the car outside their house gate i was alone and the she came there i asked her "dont you want to grow up?" she replied "no, not now!", i said "its ok , but this heart is a heart of child, well i have to grow up for my parents as they done a lot for me", she replied "all parents does good for child", i said "they have don a lot lot for me", she said "thats good" and then our conversation switched to school.

After a week again i had to go to their house for 2 days at night she gave me a blanket that was short in length(i noticed the length at night) because of that i was unable to sleep that night as it was cold, in the morning when i was sitting with one of his brother she came and i told her "the blanket you gave me last night was small in length and i was unable to sleep", she said "really! well i slept peacefull the whole night after many weeks", after a while she said "i checked the blankets length it was ok to me", i replied "i had a habit of sleeping straigth with my head inside so it was short for me". In the evening when i was sitting with my brother i bought some candies i shared one with my brother and one with her, after five minutes she again came to the room at that time i had 3 candies in my hand (we both were alone there) and she lifted her hand towards me so i kept all the candies in her hand and she just said "no no just like that", she gave me back 2 candies and just kept one. That day i saw she was going through my cell while it was charging, when i was ready to go home at night i was standing outside their house at the gate alone waiting for my mother suddenly she came and said "i need your school photographs"(which she saw in my cell), i asked her reason 2 times why she wants my photographs she olly said "just like that", i asked her "how do i give them to you", she said "copy them in the computer", i said "well i cant open the pc right now but i can send them in your your phone", she replied "no no no! not in the phone someone will see them, next time when you come then copy them", then i just said "ok", and my mother came and we came to our home.

After a week she messaged me completely after 3 months, she messaged (up till today this was the only message i received from her )

�Plz reply
2most beautiful things in your life
1
2
2people you love the most
1
2
2people you dont want to lose
1
2
2moments you are waiting for
1
2?

So i replied

�2most beautiful things in my life
1Parents
2You
2people i love the most
1Parents
2You
2people i dont want to lose
1Parents
2You
2moments iam waiting for
1Your success
2My success
gud nt tk care�

then she didnt replied any thing.

She knows iam definately going to reply her message, because before 3 months back i used to reply to her such messages
but now i thinks i replyed her very seriously?. Is it so??

What she wants to know me through this message??

Whats going on her mind??

Was my reply correct??

Can she be thinking my feelings after 3 months are not as strong as they were before??

What feelings she have for me?

Does she love me?

Is she scared of her family?

All my inner peace is taken away by thousand of questions, i want to talk to her want to say "i have hurt you, even made you cry but i never meant to. what all love i have is only for you , the feelings i have for you will remain for rest of my life they will die when i will die"( i got chance many times to say this but you know iam shy to girls and a bad speaker ) , but the problem is i dont have any way to contact her she have no privacy no social accounts or even a personal phone.
I am thinking to contact her SIL and ask her to allow me to talk to her for 5 mins but this thing can annoy her i dont want to turn her off again, i dont want myself to be seen as too desperate and needy right now, what do i do ?

What can you say about her feelings towards me after reading this?

Iam just thinking too much cant concentrate on my studies only thoughts of her occupies my mind.

You can say iam obsessed you might be right but i have made a decision i have to try for this girl or else i will stay alone forever because all feelings i have is for her, you can also say as my heart switched to this girl from that school girl an my heart will again switch but i will not allow my self to do this.

Iam also doing some messages 1 or 2 in a week some good quotes on life should i stop doing them.

Iam loosing my mind loosing my sleep dont know what to do.

Its just 2.5 months left for entrance exams , i am trying hard not to think, makes promises everyday to myself but gets drowned into my feelings.

How do contact, her what to do please help me.. i will be highly thank full..

[basilandthyme]

Any chance of an abbreviated version?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Holy shit. Have to check with Boisdevie, but this should win longest post of 2013, hands down. Maybe longest ever?

[Boisdevie]

Holy shit. Have to check with Boisdevie, but this should win longest post of 2013, hands down. Maybe longest ever?

It's definitely up there in the running I think. To be fair to the OP I think I don't think English is his first language and he's confusing 'Big post' and autobiography.

[ineedlove]

Instead of making fun of me you can try help me its a kind request

[HeartIsAching]

Perhaps instead of getting defensive, you could provide us with a condensed version as requested. I'm not reading that freaking wall of text.

[smackie9]

One thing I have noticed is that the ones that post the walls of text are the ones that have OCD, ADHD or some kind of anxiety disorder.

[Boisdevie]

One thing I have noticed is that the ones that post the walls of text are the ones that have OCD, ADHD or some kind of anxiety disorder.

Really? I just thought they were people who were just unable to get to the bloody point, sort of person that gets into McDonalds and takes 45 minutes to order a burger.
Message for the OP - if you want our help/advice then get to the point in less than a million bloody words.

[smackie9]

I've nailed it a few times, calling them out and sure as shit they had one of those issues.....funny thing they ask "How did you know?" lol

[michelle23]

Please give a short version. We dont need a book on every text you ever had with her. Something like this would be good"

really liked a girl but didnt have courage to ask her out so i waited a year. By then she had bf. I was upset for a year. I met new girl which is my cousin and really like her..this girl has serious emotional problems" that is as far as i read.. it took you like 3 paragraphs to write all that..

then just tell us whether or not she knows you like her and how she feels and get to the point. What qs are you asking?

Thanks

[Valixy]

OP, you are 19, right? How old is she? It it ok at her age to have a relationship? Then she is your cousin. Would your families accept your relationship? I hope that you have thought about these things before desperately falling in love. If the answer is yes, then I don't understand why you torture yourself instead of speaking to your family about the fact that you are interested in a relationship with her, and after that speak with her family or maybe your parents could help you with that. What you can't do is go on and on without sleeping at night and living a decent life and all this without having any idea if there's a real chance for you with this girl.

If you can't have a relationship with her for whatever reasons, you'll have to try to accept it and move on. Not all the wonderful people we meet and inspire us feelings are destined to become our partner. You might have to make an effort to forget about her and give yourself time but it will be worth it because you need to love someone who loves you back in order to be happy and not feeling so miserable as you've been feeling for a few months.

[ineedlove]

iam sorry to everyone for annoying you with my billion of words..

OP, you are 19, right? How old is she? It it ok at her age to have a relationship? Then she is your cousin. Would your families accept your relationship? I hope that you have thought about these things before desperately falling in love. If the answer is yes, then I don't understand why you torture yourself instead of speaking to your family about the fact that you are interested in a relationship with her, and after that speak with her family or maybe your parents could help you with that. What you can't do is go on and on without sleeping at night and living a decent life and all this without having any idea if there's a real chance for you with this girl.

If you can't have a relationship with her for whatever reasons, you'll have to try to accept it and move on. Not all the wonderful people we meet and inspire us feelings are destined to become our partner. You might have to make an effort to forget about her and give yourself time but it will be worth it because you need to love someone who loves you back in order to be happy and not feeling so miserable as you've been feeling for a few months.

She is 18, yes our families will accept, this is not the right time speaking to my or her family either(many reasons for that).
Her behaviour towards me is confusing me she asked me for time , i gave it to her but dont know why iam feeling so insecure maybe because of her behaviour towards me.
She just told me she likes me but i want to know her feeling towards me as from my side she know my feelings for her and this thing is driving me crazy, well i dont want to seem too desperate or needy while she's taking her time and if i ask her feelings towards me she might be annoyed.
So what to do?

[ineedlove]

Also i think she have some trusting issues, i dont know why?
Is she comparing me with all other bad boys she met in her life?

[Valixy]

I think that you should ask her out, plain and simple (with or without your families' intervention, whatever you consider more suitable).

You have only known this girl as your cousin but you haven't had a date with her and you need to discover if you two are romantically compatible. At the moment you are only imagining things and building up a fantasy but this is also dragging you down and affecting you too much. Also through proper dating she will have the possibility to develop romantic feelings for you, which only naturally, she hasn't been able to do through your distant platonic and shy attempts to communicate with her. If she telsl you again that she isn't ready for a relationship or that she needs time in order to decide to start dating you, I think that you should accept that, move on and forget about her.

You can't develop feelings for one another unless you start dating and spending time together and you are either both willing to give this a try or not. Continuing suffering like you do is unfair, when you could enjoy your life and meet someone who responds to your romantic initiatives and be happy.