I've been cheating but I don't know what to do now

[KatieCassie]

I know this is a touchy topic and I am ready to get bashed for this whole mess. I've always thought of cheaters as awful people and when I've learned people have cheated on their significant other I've always thought it was wrong. I really need some advice on what to do with my life. I've considered going to a therapist because I don't feel like I'm doing something normal. Please read and help!

I've been in a relationship with C for many years ( over 6 ) and we started dating in our late teens at 19. Prior to us dating we had never really dated anyone else besides "high school relationships" . My relationship with C has been everything from great to horrific. C is slightly odd socially. He has never wanted to go out with my friends or my family. It's only been in the past year or so where we he's been willing to try new things. C and I have been fighting about our future for about two years. About two years ago I started to feel ready to settle down with him and join our lives together i.e moving in together and getting engaged. C laughed me for two years straight and has told me many times that he doesn't know if he wants to marry me ever. Our relationship took a turning point because of the bickering and him not wanting to commit to me. College has come and gone and still our relationship hasn't changed. We rarely see each other despite living in the same town and I feel single most of the time to be honest. Whenever my friends or relatives are with their SO I'm usually alone. I've struggled with depression for many years and always thought there was something wrong with me because he didn't give me attention or wanted to be around me. We've had numerous fights about how I feel that he doesn't even love or want to be with me but after a month of him trying to make an effort he falls back into old habits. I know that I haven't really dated that much but I'm ready or thought I was ready to be with him. I've spent most of our relationship home and alone because he doesn't want to see me more than twice a week if I'm lucky.

I've had a really good guy friend in my life for 3 years. L has been in a long term relationship as well and we've bonded over everything in life. Things took an awkward turn in my life when he had a one night stand with a friend of mine after ending his GF ended their relationship. I had an extremely hard time with their hook up and realized that I had feelings for him as well. I never would've guessed in a million years that I would have feelings for him. He is complete opposite of my type and my personality. My bf has never cared that I hung out with him one on one because he knew that he wasn't my type and I wasn't interested in him. After many weeks of torturing myself about his hook up with my friend I ended up drinking way too much when we were hanging out and confessed my feelings for him. He confessed that he had feelings for me for most of our friendship but never thought I would ever been interested in him. We ended up kissing but I never wanted it to go any further. Things started to get really bad with C and we were arguing everytime we talked or hung out. I started hanging out with L more and continued to kiss him but that was all. I had one last conversation with my bf about how things needed to change so I distanced myself from L but once again my bf decided to not have any interest.

The fighting continued and I started spending practically everyday with L for a few weeks. I loved having his company but never really felt like I could have a relationship with L. My bf and I broke up or at least I thought we did when I told him that we were over and then I would be in touch to return his belongings. I ended up getting closer to L and almost had sex with him. We continued to fool around for a week but never had sex. My bf called me and wanted to work on things so we talked and I felt like it could get better so I made a decision to just be friends with L. I ended up having a hard time staying away from L but we just cuddled and kissed and nothing sexual happened.

Now I feel so lost and confused. I feel like an evil monster for ever spending time with L. I've seen my bf twice since reconciling over a week ago and have barely spoke to him so it's the same pattern again. Why can't I just break up with him? I think L is starting to get more feelings for me.

It seems so easy to just be 100% done with my bf but now he has started to promise things in the future like moving in together in the next year and what not so what do I do? Do I walk away when he is finally ready to commit?

[anastasis]

This really confirms in my mind that woman tend to be trivial social rule keepers. By rule keepers, I mean that they see the world in terms of the larger 'social' rules. These rules may or may not have anything to do with reality. But these social illusions ARE a womans reality.

The REAL reality in this situation is that L is the BOYFRIEND and C is NOTHING. The social (female) reality (aka delusion) is that C is the 'technical' boyfriend.

You see, there is the TRUTH and then there are social conventions. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves because they were trying to follow the TRUTH of the situation in war against the social convention. And this is basically the reason I believe that women are generally total flakes. They always follow the convention, manipulate the convention, obsess about the conventional social 'rules', break the social rules, keep the social rules.... and all the while the social rules were completely irrelevant to the reality of the situation. In a woman's world, this is how the world functions. Not so in a man's.

[ladypanthers20]

To be honest, I think it is totally normal to want to try something different every once in a while. I'm just saying.

[smackie9]

Your emotional cheating is a symptom, and not the problem. People cheat for different reasons, but the common denominator is that it is an escape from their troubled relationship. Your issues with your relationship have and will not go away. Your BF is all talk, no action.....it take two to repair relationship....and since no one is really doing anything about it, the relationship is doomed.

You are just afraid of being alone, and he has been all you know for the last 6 years. Ya it is scary to imagine a life without him. You need courage and confidence to know you can have better and yes better is out there IMO. As for other dude, he is just a rebound relationship. So what if he gets feelings for you, that is his to deal with when you dump him...you owe him nothing because he is involved with someone who is in a relationship and ya take yer chances when you cheat with a cheater.

This affair is your first step to leaving this relationship......I think you are ready to walk.

[anastasis]

Your emotional cheating is a symptom, and not the problem. People cheat for different reasons, but the common denominator is that it is an escape from their troubled relationship. Your issues with your relationship have and will not go away. Your BF is all talk, no action.....it take two to repair relationship....and since no one is really doing anything about it, the relationship is doomed.

You are just afraid of being alone, and he has been all you know for the last 6 years. Ya it is scary to imagine a life without him. You need courage and confidence to know you can have better and yes better is out there IMO. As for other dude, he is just a rebound relationship. So what if he gets feelings for you, that is his to deal with when you dump him...you owe him nothing because he is involved with someone who is in a relationship and ya take yer chances when you cheat with a cheater.

This affair is your first step to leaving this relationship......I think you are ready to walk.

Basically, what you're saying is that women are pathological cowards who would choose a wife beating man who gave them an ounce of perceived security before daring to launch out in the depths of true love and living on a prayer.

Yes, I agree.

Once again, this confirms my thesis that women are fickle flakes straight off a dried cornhusk. Self-serving, self-absorbed beasts with a delusion of beauty around them.

[4 ratties]

Just be with L come on. Quit messing around with this ex boyfriend. You guys are not compatible just break it off. It is dangerous to get into a relationship with L so soon. U really do need to take time to be single.
Oh and also.. Kissing and cuddling is sexual. So What are u Talking about? Your not innocent. Your ex bf would of been devastated.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This really confirms in my mind that woman tend to be trivial social rule keepers. By rule keepers, I mean that they see the world in terms of the larger 'social' rules. These rules may or may not have anything to do with reality. But these social illusions ARE a womans reality.

The REAL reality in this situation is that L is the BOYFRIEND and C is NOTHING. The social (female) reality (aka delusion) is that C is the 'technical' boyfriend.

You see, there is the TRUTH and then there are social conventions. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves because they were trying to follow the TRUTH of the situation in war against the social convention. And this is basically the reason I believe that women are generally total flakes. They always follow the convention, manipulate the convention, obsess about the conventional social 'rules', break the social rules, keep the social rules.... and all the while the social rules were completely irrelevant to the reality of the situation. In a woman's world, this is how the world functions. Not so in a man's.

Searock, a rebuttal?

[HeartIsAching]

Your so-called BF uses you for his convenience. He's not willing to commit because he gets what he wants from you without it. It's telling that you say that YOU are ready to settle down and get married and he laughs at you. You should NEVER get married because it's the 'next logical step'.

You can't break up with him and make it stick, because you're sitting around hoping that he'll change... despite the fact that he's demonstrated to you repeatedly that he's not going to. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says - actions speak much louder than words.

Frankly what I think you need to do is break up with him, give yourself a couple of months of being single and dating, then re-visit the notion of seeing the other guy. COMMUNICATE with him that you're interested, but that you don't want him to be a 'rebound' relationship, so you'd like to put things on the back burner for a while.

[smackie9]

The OP has some serious thinking to do.....I hope wise choices will be made for her sake.

[searock]

Searock, a rebuttal?

Totally not worth it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yeah..I figured you'd seen it already.

[Wakeup]

C laughed me for two years straight and has told me many times that he doesn't know if he wants to marry me ever.

Why in the name of Christ would you continue on with a guy that has done that to you?

Forget about both men and concentrate on yourself and how to improve your own self-respect, personal boundaries and learning that you deserve more then what you have accepted so far in your young life. If you don't do that, if you jump from the frying pan right into the fire, then you will, in no time at all start to have the very same pattern with this *L* guy. You'll accept crap when you should be quickly getting rid of it.

[KatieCassie]

Thank you everyone for all of your advice. Thank you also for not bashing me. I've been feeling like an awful person for this whole mess.

The two times I've seen C have been weird. The first time we got along great but it felt like more of a friends thing and then the second time it just was awkward.

I really have no idea why I am so attached to C and won't just break up with him officially. Our relationship isn't great and yet I keep doing this to myself.

[UKRomantic]

So basically, you're using L for attention and the affection he gives you. Yet you have no interest in him, relationship wise.

You are going to hurt him, and this is what I seem to find women do quite a lot. Yet us males get portrayed as the bad ones.

Either
break things off with L, just be friends, don't hang out one on one and kiss, cuddle or have sex and stay with your bf and work things out
Break up with your bf and get with L
Break up with your bf, stay friends only with L. No cuddling, kissing, hanging out one and one - And make sure he knows what it is you feel. And look for someone who is more suited to what you want.


Like I say, at the moment all you are doing it leading L into a false position. You like him and have feelings for him, then why can't you be in a relationship with him? Maybe because what others will think and say?

[HeartIsAching]

Honey, you're not awful.

While on a break from your 'bf', you got physical but didn't 'boink' the other guy... not cheating in my book.

You really need to re-evaluate your relationship.