My Fiancee Has slept with MANY of my friends over the years...should this Bother me?

[OneNiceGuy]

Hi, Everyone!

I am new here…I am trying to resolve a whole bunch of issues that have been dominating my mind while in my Relationship. I’ll start with this one.

I am a 54 year old man, Single (engaged, actually). 2 years ago I left my wife of 25 years because the marriage had become non-existent, really. She never wanted to have sex, she never wanted to go anyplace/do ANYTHING…and then someone from my past entered the picture. Someone I knew 30 years ago. We fell in love, I got divorced, and we are planning to be married. I love this woman very, very much. And she loves me.

I knew this woman many years ago because she was dating my best friend (my roommate) and I was dating HER best friend. When we re-connected via an online site several years ago (after 30 years) she confessed that she had a crush on me back then. I had one on her as well, but we were dating each others best friends….we didn’t know of each other’s attraction, and we weren’t going to act on it. Until now.

As my relationship with her progressed now, some 30 years later,(I’ll call her Carol), she became friends with some of my friends. She became especially close to some of my female friends, and during many late night girl-talk sessions, she revealed a LOT about herself to my friends. One of these friends thought I should know about some of this, and made it her “mission” to make me aware. (it’s actually very complicated…I might explain later…).

As it turns out, Carol , in addition to dating my best friend, was a real groupie-type who, during this time and after, slept around quite a bit….it turns out that she has slept with SEVERAL of my best friends and a LOT of people I knew at the time…and STILL know. In fact, I can envision a scenario where, after we are married, we might be seated at a dinner table with my friends, and she will have slept with EVERY MAN at the table. And there would be quite a few of them. This is a real possibility, where I could look around and know that EVERY penis at that table had been in my wife’s privates….(Sorry for the vulgarity….it’s just how it comes to my mind…)

This was THIRTY years ago. But for some reason, it troubles me. If it were strangers, it might not matter. But these were, and ARE, close friends of mine. And they remember her very well. They do not know that I know she has slept with them.

It came out recently between me and Carol that I knew all of this. It does NOT bother her that I know…but it bothers HER that it bothers ME.
And to a certain degree, I think she is right….it was 30 years ago, she is not with or dating ANY of them now, has not even SEEN them. She loves ME, is committed to ME and we will be married..But….regardless….it DOES bother me. A LOT, sometimes when I think of it, knowing that these guys I know well have been to “those places” with the woman I love. And, I have shared enough Guy Talk with ALL of these friends to know WHAT they do sexually, and HOW they do it….I know with great detail what they would have expereicned with her, and her with them. And, these friends and I have, over the years, all shared stories about our “conquests” in younger years….could they have been telling me about Carol at one point?

So, this does weigh heavy on my mind. But, part of it is wondering whether or not it is RIGHT or NORMAL for me to feel like this.

Your thoughts on this would be appreciated….

OneNiceGuy….

[smackie9]

This happened what 30 years ago??? good lord it's time to let it go.

[OneNiceGuy]

This happened what 30 years ago??? good lord it's time to let it go.

Yep...30 years. But look at the details i wrote....It's kind of hard sitting across a table from a guy eating a cob of corn they same way he enjoyed my wife...even all those years ago.

"Letting it go" is GOOD advice....I WANT to...i would not CHOOSE to have this feeling....but I do...if someone knows how i can get past it, then I need to know....

[surfhb2]

Yep...30 years. But look at the details i wrote....It's kind of hard sitting across a table from a guy eating a cob of corn they same way he enjoyed my wife...even all those years ago.

"Letting it go" is GOOD advice....I WANT to...i would not CHOOSE to have this feeling....but I do...if someone knows how i can get past it, then I need to know....

Maybe see a counselor on your extreme insecurities because getting work up over this shit 30 years ago is not normal

[OneNiceGuy]

Maybe see a counselor on your extreme insecurities because getting work up over this shit 30 years ago is not normal

Yes...that is what I am trying to determine. Normal...abnormal....happens with SOME people...etc....

Different people respond to different life events and situations....This truly eats at me...and I do not WANT it to...I AM seeing a therapist, and this is On the menu, so to speak, to work on...I haven't spoken about it with the therapist yet.

I am looking for someone who MAY understand my feelings on this. Not to JUSTIFY them, or validate them....I want to UNDERSTAND them....and see if there is anyone else who feels this way....or at least know if there IS anyone who can understand this.

Thanks for the replies thus far....

[smackie9]

My guess you never dated anyone who was so sexually free, and that your values are different. Your perception of her is now tainted. I'm afraid you need to hold off marrying her and see if you can get over it. If you can't you shouldn't even consider marriage then because it will lead to resentment and be divorced in a couple of years.

[Valixy]

And, I have shared enough Guy Talk with ALL of these friends to know WHAT they do sexually, and HOW they do it….

I thought adults don't get over impressed by a simple sexual act. Anyway, just because they used to brag about sex, it doesn't mean that it was all true.

I do understand thought that it bothers you, being friends with several of your partner's ex-lovers is not the most comfortable situation but it was 30 years ago. People don't even remember much for that long, they totally disconnect mentally and emotionally from such old experiences, they actually become new people and what happened three decades ago becomes totally irrelevant.

You are giving those past events more importance than any of those people, who couldn't care less about a sexual experience from 30 years ago and risk losing a beautiful relationship that could make you very happy. Changing your feelings won't be easy, as you say, and many people would struggle as you do, but hopefully you'll succeed to detach and continue enjoying your new life.

[Starnique]

I love this woman very, very much. And she loves me.

Then that should be all that matters. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Maybe see a counselor on your extreme insecurities because getting work up over this shit 30 years ago is not normal

I totally agree with this. You were tied down into marriage and she was sexually liberated. She was young and living her life. Doesn't make her a bad person. Has she shown you any bad traits or anything? She has shown you nothing but sweet love, so you really need to get over it.

If your friends are still thinking about what happened 30 years ago, then what a lame bunch of men. They were with her so it doesn't make them any better then her, so they really have no right to be looking any kind of way. She's not the problem so you really need to let go of your inhibitions before you lose her.

30 years ago? Move on. Sitting with her, thinking these not so nice thoughts about her while hanging out isn't as nice as you claim you are. You're supposed to be loving her and making her feel secure.

Yes, I do understand you because the reality is, lots of men don't want a woman who has been with people in the circle of friends or have a very sexual past. That's just the way it is. However, that still doesn't change my opinion about you getting over something that happened so long ago. Longer then I been alive....and I was born in the late eighties.