I seem to have realized that she doesn't NEED me....but she LOVES me....what now?

[MicroReaper]

My Fiancé and I live together. (I’ll call her Karen for the sake of this posting) We are both in our 50’s, have been together 2 years, and have lived together a year and 5 months. We plan to be married in the near future.

We are very much in love. Like any couple, we have ups and downs, but I think our relationship is much better than many.
During the time we have been together, I have had a nagging sensation that something was different, quite fundamentally, than other relationships I have been in. It was nothing I could pinpoint…everything seemed to be in place. Something just felt “different”. She lived 500 miles from me when we first got together. I would drive there every weekend to be with her. Those were great weekends! But, I began noticing something every weekend when the time came for me to go home. I didn’t get the feeling that I would be missed or there wasn’t any sense of “parting sorrow”. It was just “goodbye, call me when you get home”. Kind of bland. I asked her about it once, and she said that she just kind of distanced herself from my leaving because she would not have to deal with the pain of it. Ok, that made sense….but something did not ring true. I had never encountered that kind of reaction before, and it puzzled me. This continued, and eventually she moved to where I live, and we moved in together and planned to be married. But….I STILL had this nagging feeling that I have NEVER felt in a relationship before. It was just weird…I KNEW she loved me a great deal, and I loved her. Everything SEEMED to be perfect.

Several weeks ago, her world was seriously rocked when her Mother passed away unexpectedly. She was devastated. I have never seen anyone as consumed with grief. She received the phone call from her brother in law, and she immediately broke down in sobs. It took me nearly 10 minutes before I could actually find out what happened. When I did, I knew it would affect her in an awful way.

I have ALWAYS been there for her to the best of my ability. I anticipated that she would really really need to lean on me, and I would need to be there for her, which I would happily be.

But she had an odd reaction. I expected her to kind of fall into my arms, wanting to be held and comforted. But she didn’t. She cried continuously, but did not seek physical comfort of any kind. Now, this was the first time I had seen her go through anything like this, so I simply thought that it was her way of dealing, so I just stayed near in case she needed me. I remember one moment in the kitchen where she was standing, facing away from me, and she broke into sobs. I walked up behind her, and wrapped my arms around her. She didn’t respond, which was fine…after a bit I thought she might turn around and want to be held….(NOTE: I thought these things based upon other relationships I had been in…from experience….the way I found MOST people act in these situations.)…she did not turn around, and eventually, just walked away and upstairs into the bedroom and cried on the bed for a while. This continued for a couple of days, when she left to go back to her family home to deal with the various issues that a death creates.

I thought a lot about her reaction, which I found a little unusual, based upon my relationship with her AND past loves. The reason I thought about it was that there seemed to be some connection with the reaction to the death of her Mother, and the “odd” feeling that I had experienced since we had been together. It really bugged me.

And then I happened to read an article on “being needed”…..and it hit me like a small asteroid: Karen doesn’t NEED me…she loves me, she wants me, but she does not NEED me. And THAT is quite an epiphany for me. It ALL fit. Every time I think back to an incident that gave me an odd feeling, I could trace it back to this one idea of being needed.

Karen is a VERY strong woman who has been through some horrific emotional and physical trauma. It is clear to me that she does not NEED anyone because she has been self-reliant for many years. She left an alcoholic marriage (she came and went several times, until her drunk hubby kicked her out in favor of a twenty-five year old version of her), she was raped, she had some bad relationships, she was VERY promiscuous in her younger years, and she was in a near-fatal accident that left her pretty messed up emotionally and physically….over 20 surgeries, and severe PTSD. BUT…through it all, she is a remarkably self-reliant and capable woman who lived on her own for 10 years since her divorce. And, she does not NEED me, I think.

But she WANTS me….and she LOVES me, and that, I think, is the important thing. However, I am VERY used to being needed. I love it when people turn to me with their troubles and I can help or comfort them…I have learned to be very good at that in my life. Not totally depended upon, I have been there and I do NOT like it. But needed at least SOME. And it troubles me a bit to feel like I am not needed….expendable, perhaps….I’m not certain. But I DO know that this seems to FIT….it explains everything about how I have felt the last couple of years.

So…I’d like to know what you think of this idea of mine, and what the ramifications might be….if any. It is just an unusual and uncomfortable feeling to feel like I am not really needed in someone’s life…..wanted, yes, but that is different.

Thanks for your thoughts!

MR

[TheEvilJester]

That is an unusual situation. I have to say, it is honestly hard for me to comment. I have never personally been in a situation like that. I hate to say this, but I think for me it might be a bit of a make or break kind of thing. If I am going to be in a relationship with somebody, I need to be needed. I mean, granted, in the grand scheme of things everybody should eventually be okay without any person who may happen to be in their lives. People pass on, relationships end, etc. So, if you really think about it, nobody ever truly NEEDS anybody in the strictest definition of the word. However, that isn’t really the need I am describing, or you are describing here. And, for me, the “need” we are talking about is crucial. I need to be needed. That is important to me.

Honestly, it sounds like you otherwise have a great relationship. From the way you describe her, it sounds like it has nothing to do with you. She is just that way with everybody. Parents are different, of course, which is why she was perhaps so devastated over her mother. So, it almost sounds even better when you think about it. She doesn’t NEED you, and yet she still wants you. So, I guess all you can really do is to do some soul searching and decide if that feels too important to you. For one thing, certainly give it some time. It would be wrong to decide you can no longer sustain the relationship while she is going through this loss.

How long have you two been together? Maybe she just tends to be extra guarded (I know how that can be, as I do that myself) and in time will grow to need you as much as she wants you. Honestly, I hope others can maybe offer you better advice because, as I said, I personally need to be needed in any relationship that is going to last. I feel too deeply to allow myself to be with anybody who seems like they couldn’t care much less if I suddenly disappeared. So, perhaps that is just me. It does sound as though you otherwise have a great relationship.

[basilandthyme]

I've been *needed* in a relationship and it's not cool. Being needed means that they can't cope without you. It's knowing that if you left, they'd crumble and not be able to care for their own needs. It's suffocating. And it's unfair knowing that their mental health relies on you. I knew a guy who committed suicide when his marriage broke down - so much was his need for her. The person who needed me also attempted suicide.

It's terrific to have a partner who is grateful to have you there in hard times. It's nice to know you are missed. Wonderful when they commit to you for life. But it's awesome to know they have their own set of coping skills and don't *need* you.

Part of being an adult is being able to care for your own needs. This is kind of what I mentioned in another thread to you...that stuff about being able to care for your own mental health without burdening your partner with the task.

[dem862]

Relationships are a luxury. They are not necessary for life. They are completely optional. It sounds like what you are experiencing is the feeling of not being appreciated. Maybe she doesn't value whatever it is you provide.

[TheEvilJester]

I've been *needed* in a relationship and it's not cool. Being needed means that they can't cope without you. It's knowing that if you left, they'd crumble and not be able to care for their own needs. It's suffocating. And it's unfair knowing that their mental health relies on you. I knew a guy who committed suicide when his marriage broke down - so much was his need for her. The person who needed me also attempted suicide.

It's terrific to have a partner who is grateful to have you there in hard times. It's nice to know you are missed. Wonderful when they commit to you for life. But it's awesome to know they have their own set of coping skills and don't *need* you.

Part of being an adult is being able to care for your own needs. This is kind of what I mentioned in another thread to you...that stuff about being able to care for your own mental health without burdening your partner with the task.

I certainly cannot speak for the OP, but for my part, this was not the "need" I was personally describing. In fact, you more so hit the nail on the head of what I meant when I was saying that nobody really NEEDS anybody in the strictest sense of the word. (Well, normal people anyway.) In other words, when I say I need to be needed, I sure as heck don't mean that the person's entire world should crumble around them and they should never be able to see existing another day in this world should our relationship ever end. LOL! THAT would certainly be suffocating, as you say.

However, if I am going to be in any kind of relationship with somebody, I want it to feel like they actually care about me. That they are sad and miss me when I am gone. That they think about me when I'm not with them. That it makes them sad if I am sad, and they want to be part of cheering me up. That they come to me when they are sad and I help to cheer them up. That losing me would be devastating in some way to them. Sure, I would certainly hope they would eventually move on with their life, but if they were to lose me and just think "Meh. I'll find somebody else" then did they ever care about me in the first place?

Maybe "need" isn't the best word for it, but I just personally think it fits. You can "need" somebody without it actually meaning you literally could not go on with your life without them. For me, when I feel for somebody, even just a friend, I feel very deeply. So, I could not be in a relationship with somebody who does not feel the same way.

[MicroReaper]

EvilJester, you NAILED it...thank you for articulating that....That is what i was trying to say. Now, Karen IS demonstarive to a certain degree...not as much as I like, BUT....here's what might be the bigger issue: Me. Is it my personal insecurities that keep me from SEEING that she really does adore me? Am i just blind to what she really DOES say and do?...perhaps i have been used to relationships OVER-emoting to the degree that she seems bland in comparison. I am truly going through a very serious introspection and self-analysis here. I want to KNOW what this is really all about.

The nature of our relationship has changed somewhat from when it started. It used to be texting ALL the time, love letters, love notes, etc.....But, I understand INTELLECTUALLY that there is a Honeymoon Period in EVERY relationship, and that the relationship tends to mature after a while and things "calm down"....EMOTIONALLY, though, I do not want that to end. And that is one of the things that trouble me. And how do i alter my mindset to accept this?

It's complicated, yes. But she is a beautiful, intelligent, creative woman who has already made me a better man, and whom I believe will spur me on to greater things in my life. I have recently begun therapy for these type of issues, but I just wonder if I am alone in feeling this way....

[Sunnybeach7]

First.. everyone grieves differently..

Also saying that she doesn't need you is presumptuous. From all the things that has happened in her life.. it could be that she could be just protecting herself from being hurt, by not getting too close.

She has been in contact with you, she's even bought wedding stuff.. while she's still heavily grieving!

Did you even go to see her this past weekend? Even if she doesn't "need" you in whatever way you want her too.. she loves you and wants you.

So maybe she didn't turn and fall into your arms when you tried to comfort her... but she didn't run from you either did she? Sometimes comfort can come from you just being there.

You want to help her... get her into therapy.. someone that can help her deal with all these lifelong bottled up emotions that she doesn't understand how to cope with.