Boyfriend cyber cheated, I tried it out too. Do I tell him?

[xyoungeternityx]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years. Everything was rosy until I find a weird text from an unknown number on his phone, asking to talk but saying not that you'll reply anyway. Long story short, it was a girl he used to have cyber sex with, and tried to do so twice whilst we were together. He had said it was at the beginning of our relationship, where he felt shy to ask me to do certain things sexually. He admitted this months after I found the text, and said the girl would try to speak with him afterwards but he only ever wanted to pleasure himself and go offline. He gave her his number years ago when he was single. He has promised to never do it again, and is sorry for his actions, and has been great since, in trying to restore my faith and trust in him.

Anyway this has been hard for me to get over, my trust has been completely lost. After months of obsessing and hurting, I felt like nothing I did worked.

However I decided I'd check out cyber in for myself instead of worrying about something I knew little about. I spoke with a guy online and realised how open you can be with strangers. I realised it is pretty meaningless and it has helped me see another perspective.

I feel like I've become so insecure and paranoid, and controlling since it has all happened, and this is the side he sees of me, and I don't want that. It's helped me realise that looking at other girls, even taking sexually online to them isn't as bad as I thought really, it's not like it was emotional, more physical, and that's what I failed to see. I overreacted. It's like interactive porn, and I don't have a problem with him watching porn. I know he did something wrong but I have been so awful since, I tell him I will forgive him but never make him forget, and that's not gonna get anyone anywhere. Everyone makes mistakes and I just need to let it go. It was a long time ago. I concentrated on the emotional side of it, and I know it can get to that level sometimes but if it's just physical, I now understand that's all it is, and me doing it, had helped me realise this.

I want to tell him about how I feel about it now, because I feel I've kicked off so much that he probably won't tell me as much now anyway. I just want us to have an honest, calm relationship. And I think it may add an extra side to our sex life as he'll know I'll be up for doing it with him.

Should I tell him? How do you think he'll react? Or should I say nothing, even though I want an honest relationship?

[basilandthyme]

Many will disagree with your opinion. But you are entitled to your opinion on cybersex, so I will simply address what I see as the potential problems with it.

It may be all well and good cybersexing with someone who's too far away to meet, but what about if that other person lives closer? What if there's a bit of conversation which gets involved and one of you gets on well with and wants to meet the person on the other end of the computer?

It's fraught with danger.

[xyoungeternityx]

This is what I originally thought and freaked out about. I didn't really enjoy it and I probably wouldn't do it again because it's not really my thing. I'm just sick of worrying and wrongly accusing. I just don't want to be one of those girlfriends that is constantly paranoid and insecure. What can I do to change this? How do men view this? My boyfriend says he understands and doesn't blame me, but I feel I have ruined things, such as him taking to me about things like that, in case I over react. Help!

[KingZ]

You sound like a rational person, but your fears are taking over your ability to see this situation for what it really is.

He cheated, plain and simple. The reason you're having a hard time trusting him now is because he broke your trust. He did something behind your back, you caught him, it took months for him to man up and admit it, and now you're having doubts. Nothing about this makes you a bad person.

You have two options now: 1) you can either forgive him completely, and truly let go, as if this never happened; or 2) get rid of him.

It sucks, but it's the situation he put you in, and you should be angry at him for it.

[michelle23]

I think your just trying to justify your own actions by pretending its all fine now. Two wrongs dont make it right. Cyber sex can and does lead to physical cheating, emotional affairs and all sorts of other crap so I think your deluding yourself by saying its no big deal. It has destroyed many relationships and marriages.

The reality is to most people that is IS cheating. And any excuse you or he comes up with to justify it-is just an excuse.

If you decide to change the rules or boundaries in your relationship to make it more open or less monogamous then that is your business but you should both be honest and both be happy with the new arrangement.

However I honestly think that when a monogamous couple decide to do this-its just a sign that theres deeper issues your trying to block out or ignore. Its like saying getting married will fix it or a baby will but usually it just gets worse

[kolenry]

are you a chriatian, if yes you really need a spiritual understanding about this person in question...pray for a divine revelation.....then after that you obey anything your mind instructed to do....but at first you must pray hard about it

[xyoungeternityx]

Thank you for all your replies, they've helped lots. Different perspectives are what I need, and I appreciate you taking the time to give yours. Hopefully I can do the same for you at some point too.

[michelle23]

So what have you decided to do? If you and he are planning to stay together then I suggest you get couples counselling and learn to trust each other coz right now this relationship is unhealthy and destructive. You have zero self esteem or confidence since he cyber cheated which is why you turned to cyber sex as some sort of validation or ego boost and neither of you have a clue what trust, boundaries or honesty means.

I know he hurt you but you chose to stay with him. That was your choice so either forgive him or walk away before you destroy each other completely

[xyoungeternityx]

I want to stay with him because I know he's not a bad person, he just made a mistake. And I have made mistakes in some of my reactions and obviously stupidly trying out cybering. It's not something I would do again. I think it was more of a retaliation, but I've decided to focus on myself, and build up my self esteem. We've both done things wrong and have to live with that, but I can't control him, and I ultimately need to let this go if it is to work. It's a lot easier said than done but you're right, we need to confirm each others definitions of honesty and what our boundaries are, so there's no miscommunication in the future, because I really want there to be a future. Thanks for all the help.