Help… I know I'm clingy and it's getting destructive.

[aw88]

Hi all,

As briefly as I can, my marriage (a ten year relationship) ended last year. We had been together from age 15-25. It was out of the blue and I was completely floored! Add to that the fact my mum left me as a toddler and I have all the makings of someone who can't handle rejection.

As a result, I have moved house, relocated, moved workplace for a clean break. I am struggling with all this change, but just about getting by. I am emotional much of the time, tired and anxious.

I met a bloke in Jan (well I had already known him a little for a year). We hit it off pretty quick and have been in an exclusive relationship for four months. We are a couple, although it took a while for him to build up to this (he wasn't looking for a relationship). The guy admits he struggles with commitment but he obviously thinks a lot of me as he has taken the plunge. We see each other once or twice a week and he usually messages several times a day, at least. When he is with me he is loving and affectionate (although he hasn't said he loves me).

I have never, as an adult, not had a relationship and I'm struggling… I want it to go further, I'd like to think it has mileage… I can't just enjoy the here and now. I have fallen in love with this guy and built up huge expectations. I am terrified of losing him. If he doesn't text for a day I get anxious and ask him if he is annoyed with me and I know this is pissing him off. Then I'm scared he'll call it quits and I get more anxious and want to text more. So he gets annoyed and can get withdrawn.

I know I should enjoy the here and now, reduce my expectations, give him space and work on myself. I know all this but how? Time? Medication? I know I am tearing this relationship apart with my neediness.

By the way, I'm 26, he's 27.

Thank you!

[nico88]

Not to freak you out but maybe you should look into some type of counseling..it could be really beneficial to your life in the long run and it will definitely help you out in your current relationship..

[smackie9]

You settled for a guy that really wasn't interested in a relationship and you only see each other for one or two days a week. This isn't really a true committed relationship, and you know this isn't your idea of how a relationship should be. To tell you the truth, you both have different expectations, and you are afraid to even talk to him about it for fear of him leaving. You are a mature women, now put your big girl panties on and have a conversation with him about it. The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to get. If a realtionship makes you uneasy and upset, then you are with the wrong person.

[aw88]

Hi,

Thank you for your replies.

I have considered that counselling might help, although I had a session last summer and was quickly signed off as being logical, rational and well able to cope. Yes, the rational side of my brain does understand pretty well what is going on… it doesn't mean I can always control my emotions though. I plan to go back to the doctors and see what's on offer.

In terms of long term expectations, we did have 'the conversation' last week, after a particularly emotional few days from me and he did say that he isn't interested in seeing anyone else, he likes me a lot, and that if enough time passes we may well live together. I don't always know whether I am being unreasonable or not, as I have only a childhood sweetheart (a full on, controlling one) for comparison. I thought that to say we could end up living together after just four months, but without making false promises or declaring undying love seemed pretty honest, realistic and reasonable and I then chastised myself again for having unrealistic expectations. The guy is just doing his finals after two years studying a masters and we do live around 30 miles apart… also, friends and family have pointed out he already has an existing life into which to incorporate me, I'm the one feeling needy and adrift having made so many changes. I don't think he sees me as a fling (or why bother putting up with the crap I've thrown at him)… but he says we need a balance while we both get things sorted and that he doesn't want me to use him as a crutch… he wants me to develop my own inner strength. This all seems fair.

I really feel the fault lies with me. On occasion he could be a little more empathetic, but ultimately I need to develop the self-assurance that I did have before my husband walked out. I know I am attractive, intelligent, loving, generous… all these positive attributes, yet I still can't understand why he's with me. I need to build myself up.

I'm following all the usual advice… hobbies, I have plenty… horses, dancing, gardening, reading, music, etc… I'm making some new friends (I've just seen one and feel much calmer after talking it through) and I'm going back into my career after a break to keep busy.

I think I know the answers and I'm doing the right things and time will heal, but how on earth do I control myself short term to prevent losing him and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?

[basilandthyme]

Have to echo Smackie. You're insecure because this isn't what a committed relationship looks like. If I was in a committed relationship with a guy since Jan, I'd expect it to be a given that I'd be seeing him on Fri and Sat nights plus some of the weekend (subject to availability) and a couple of nights per week.

I'd also expect that we'd be able to discuss our expectations.....and know that I would walk away if his expectations were different to mine.

aargh...we cross posted.

Let's change my approach now and let me ask you a question: Is this relationship meeting your needs? Yes or no?

[aw88]

No...

At this moment in time it isn't meeting my needs. I thought I was expecting too much but maybe not then. But he did say we would be able to see more of each other once his final exam is finished (today). I do sometimes stop there a few days at a time and I was thinking when I next see him we should discuss having set days / how many days is acceptable to see each other.

- - - Updated - - -

Something I forgot to mention…

I have only been living 30 mins away for the last 8 weeks… prior to that it was long distance… so we only really stepped it up 8 weeks ago. And that has coincided with these exams looming...

[smackie9]

omg don't be thinking about living together so soon. 4 months, 6 months is crazy. I agree you need to seek more advice from your doctor. Not all therapists are the same. Recognising the issues you have is only a first step, which is a real good start. Next time you see your doctor talk about the uncontrolled thoughts you have been having, and please be persistant, never take no for an answer.

[aw88]

Okay, I should add, I wouldn't move in at this stage… having just had to break up the marital home I really don't want to go through that heart-ache again. I mean more that I'm spending a lot of time wondering whether the relationship has long term potential - daydreaming if you like.

I have made a doc's app for next week… and every time I talk to a friend it helps. Tonight I'm to doing yoga with a friend and checking out a live band. This must all be good.

[lalalita]

No...

At this moment in time it isn't meeting my needs. I thought I was expecting too much but maybe not then. But he did say we would be able to see more of each other once his final exam is finished (today). I do sometimes stop there a few days at a time and I was thinking when I next see him we should discuss having set days / how many days is acceptable to see each other.

- - - Updated - - -

Something I forgot to mention…

I have only been living 30 mins away for the last 8 weeks… prior to that it was long distance… so we only really stepped it up 8 weeks ago. And that has coincided with these exams looming...

Set days!? ACCEPTABLE AMOUNTS OF DAYS TO SEE EACHOTHER!? Oh my goodness, sweetie. No, no. no.

Why are you giving him the power? You obviously have two very different ideas of what a relationship is and you are trying to conform to *his* idea.

I don't think there should ever be "rules" in a relationship or "set" anything. You should both want to spend time with each other. Period.

[Stay 2gether]

Hello lady honestly i know what you mean i have been there ready for a relationship and actually was already in a relationship with a good man but guess i did not realize it at the time. i kept on asking silly questions that i even had to laugh at and remember if you think its pissing him off then it is and you only get a good man every once in a while so when we have one we must hold on tight and take our time with them and maybe he wants to tell you that he loves you but you are the one making him feel otherwise. That being said just find some that you like to do and get out there and occupy yourself rather its watching a movies with the girls or going shopping whatever makes you happy that way it gives you time to be happy without thinking about what he's doing and he will have time to miss you! and tell you he loves you well have a great day lady.

- - - Updated - - -

Hey lady just wanted to start off by saying hope your day gets better with your lover one thing to remember is that most of the time when we think that our actions are causing the one we love to back up from us most of the time it is making them back up from us. We have to be strong take yourself out with the ladies to the show or go out to eat, bowling or whatever makes you fell better that way you can take your mind off him and give him time to miss you and tell you he loves you. Sometimes as women we can know that we have a good thing but for some reason we still get real sensitive when things are not going exactly our way but we have to consider their feelings as well would we like that?

[smackie9]

Set days!? ACCEPTABLE AMOUNTS OF DAYS TO SEE EACHOTHER!? Oh my goodness, sweetie. No, no. no.

Why are you giving him the power? You obviously have two very different ideas of what a relationship is and you are trying to conform to *his* idea.

I don't think there should ever be "rules" in a relationship or "set" anything. You should both want to spend time with each other. Period.

This why I mentioned "expectations" in my other post. OP is "settling" instead of looking for someone with better long term potential. The guy even told her he wasn't looking for anything serious. I'm guessing the OP pushed for exclusivetivity (took him time to build up to this), so he is feeding her promises, a lot of maybes, etc. only seeing her once or twice a week to "see how it goes".

[aw88]

Hi all,

Thank you for the advice and kind words. I think some of it is down to his own insecurities and anxieties, too. He has been really distant this week but doesn't himself think he's being distant and says there is no problem with us. I suspect it is because of the exam pressure he is feeling anxious and has withdrawn to his man cave, possibly without even realising it. For me, just accepting that the silence doesn't mean there is a problem with me is a positive step forward.

One thing I would say, I didn't actually push for exclusivity - initially I agreed to a casual relationship and within a couple of days he said that I deserved better and he wouldn't see anyone else and that he wanted me all to himself, so he actually initiated the exclusivity right from the start.

[smackie9]

So all your worry was for not.....

[aw88]

Yes, I guess what I have realised from all your kind advice is that there is nothing wrong with me, per se (which has made me feel more confident, so thank you)… merely that we have different expectations at this point in time as to what a relationship should look like and I need to decide what compromises I can accept.

I feel much better… I'm sure I'm on the road to becoming self assured. Thank you!

[Stay 2gether]

Glad to see that things are going great for you now lady nothing but brighter more days to come