Cheated on early in new relationship

[nperreault3212]

I have been this girl for almost a year now. Everything has been more than wonderfull except for some issues stemming from the first 3 months of our relationship. Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 22, quiet, smart, & generally a thoughtful and loving person. Within the first month of us dating I caught her texting her ex who ironically was my next door neighbor and land lord (about 26, yes I know young for a landlord). There wasn't any sexual talk between them that I saw but looked more lik she just wasn't over him. I broke up with her for a few days over it. She cried and begged for me to rethink ny decision and after much conversation about my rules and guidelines that would now be in place I took her back. I looked at it like, she dated him for a year and they broke up but were still seeing eachother & it must be hard to be next door in the same driveway as him in a new relationship. I know itd be hard for me not to miss an a recent ex if I was constantly reminded of them. Fast forward to 2 months. I caught her talking to her very first boyfriend. Ofcourse I psyched out and she swore they were just friends even though there was dirty talk involved, on his side of the convo and repeatedly she did say she did not want to ruin things between myself and her. At that time we were definitly close to quits even it being a new relationship. We argued alot at that time and don't think neither of us was really ready for a relationship. Since then, we have stayed together and things improved greatly. I am hard on her as far as I expect to see her facebook and cellphone at any time and she is expected to tell me where she is & all that in an effort to restore my trust. At the time, I chalked everything upto her having been in bad relationship and she herself was constantly cheated on. The last boyfriend she had (my landlord) constantly cheated on her so she started to do it to him. I heard from both sides about that. Sometimes I feel like she was treated awful and in turn came to think thats how relationships work. She is also not very assertive and sometimes believe she didnt have the ability to tell guys to stop talking to her. I dont know why else she would talk to them but tell them she didnt want to ruin things with me. I now work as a Merchant Mariner out of state and am away for a month at a time. All in all I can honestly say I trust her since she answers any questions I have and even sends me pictures of where she is. Her parents have also told me repeatedly how she spends the weekends with them while i'm gone. We talk about marriage often and live together. I truly think she loves me but at the same time can't help but worry she'll repeat her actions. I'll also note I am the first serious boyfriend she has had in regards to living together and me not cheating on her or going out to bars & what not. I have even texted her under a burner app which gives your phone a false number and acted as her ex's. As soon as she got the texts she would text my real number and tell me about. She still doesn't know I was behind it. Yes, I know, rather extreme but fueled by my emotions. I am a merchant mariner and make damn good plus im young (23) so I dont want to waste my youth and money with this girl only to have go behind my back again. At the same time, I am afraif she has changed and if I leave her I'll regret it. I'd appreciate any comments, thoughts, advice. I also understand my actions since the issues began have been extreme. Please know they are fueled by my emotions and my love for her and have since ceased. I do not know if she actually cheated on me or not but I do believe the intention was there.

[Valixy]

She's only 22 and I suppose that she needed to learn how to draw a line between her current and past relationships. The landlord thing was early in your relationship and having to deal with the same environment must have made things confusing for her. The first boyfriend texting her wasn't really her fault except that she didn't dismiss him immediately but did that when you asked her to. Some people need to learn how to handle this kind of things, especially when being so young and I think that she has proved to you that she can change. It's your turn now to give her a confidence vote and make this relationship more enjoyable again, beacause your lack of trust could also damage things between you two just as much. If she could change, hopefully you'll also be able to do that :-)

[smackie9]

Reading that made me sick to my stomach. I'm surprised you didn't make her wear one of those GPS anklets that they give to criminals that are under house arrest.

If monitoring her every move is your solution to make a relationship work for YOU, you are one shady paranoid dude.

Normal people would have just ended it right at the start and just moved on, but you stuck a leash on her like a frickin dog to control her. The only thing she did wrong is put up with your shit.

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BTW no where in your post did I see any cheating. Your thread title is misleading.

[nperreault3212]

I clearly said it was decisions made because of irrational thought. I clearly stated I was wrong. Probably I should have ended but I gave her a chance that she wanted begged me for and I had high hopes for this. When you're a merchant mariner and making the kind of money I do then you depend on trust since I am not home much. Granted, I let my emotions rule my actions. I hope by trashing me, you made yourself feel better. I see your name pop up alot on here so I assume you have a lot of time on your hands. Maybe i'm narcissitic and demand compliance but I do also care and love. I don't know you but I am positive you're not bringing in well over 100k a year and supporting someone. I'm only human and want to know if it was was the right thing to do. I'm sucker for her yes. I want a happy ending for us since i've poured so much into this relationship. I didn't say she actually cheated but the intention was there and in one case the answer isn't definitive. These events didn't unfold completly at once. It was over time with the same start date. I found more messages on my last trip to NYC that was from the start of our relationship that makes this situation even shittier. I shortened and simplified the story since I am on ship and have to work unlike those who can sit on an internet forum all day. My instincts say something did happen. Now my question wasnt about my actions. I'm a grown man who makes an honest and respectable living. I don't need a someone to tell me I went overboard. I asked can she change? Do people with thos behaviour change. Also looking for insight on female psychology inregards to recent relationships. This girl is completely different person in regards to how she acts and treats this relationship but will it last? Is it just an act?

[chinagirl]

Of course everybody can change, specially if the person really loves you. But I do agree with Val that you've got to show her that you trust her. Over time, she will get tired of you constantly checking up on her like she's a child. She needs her freedom to do things without checking in with you. I can tell you that eventually, if your behavior continues, it will start suffocating her and may just leave you.

And by the way, I don't know why you have to mention your income, but it has nothing to do with your relationship nor her or your behavior. Anyone who makes more or less than $100,000 can still behave irrationally.

[nperreault3212]

I agree 120%. Just the point I needed to figure things out asap so an end result was reached. The paranoia needs to end or the relationship does. I guess at a crossroads. Don't want to give up only to regret it but don't want to stay and regret it. I mentioned my income simply to show I am not some low life "shady dude" as I was refered today. I clearly have a decent head on my shoulders. I am self made. Maybe thats where the hurt stems from in that at 23 I feel untouchable because of the life I am able to live. Maybe the whole thing was a major blow to my ego and my sense of self value. I also mentioned income to stress the point that I am a provider. As a provider I feel I deserve to enact boundaries. As a provider and male at that, you do not want to look like a fool if you get cheated on. That's another reason for all this. The humiliation that goes with it. I'm from a small town as well so everyone hears things. As far as my controlling behaviour, it is wrong but I dare anyone that has been cheated on or the fact your partner was going behind your back and honestly tell me you haven't had irrational thoughts. For every action there is an equal reaction. Irrational actions usually bring about irrational responses. I hope she has changed because it is not simply a control thing. I do love her and hope we go the distance. I want what everyone else does including relationship stability. Many of my irrational actions were also a test of sorts. Obviously, I had to put her loyalty and desire for this to work to the test. I will also note, I gave her all my passwords and am 120% open about anything she wants to know. Also another reason things hurt so much because I was so open and loyal to her even from the start. I literally ceased any contact and communication with any girls from my past for her from the start. Basically unreciporicated unconditional loyalty is another corner stone of my anger/sadness/paranoia or what have you. I found out most of thos after we had dated for 6 months so we were pretty serious. It boils down to you think you know someone but you realize thier a different person when you're not around. Hell, we even lived together at the time when the full truth (or the supposed full truth) came out. I know it appears if I found out early on why I would still carry it on but aince we had gotten super serious it hurt. It would make anyone question the other person's values and the relationships future.

[chinagirl]

I get your point, but no one is perfect. She's young, she made a mistake and you made a decision to forgive her, therefore, you need to let this go. Obviously, she has proven herself to you that she can now be trusted so afford her the trust that she deserves.

Relationships are about boundaries, and there are certain lines that you don't cross, yes, she did cross that line, so did you.

Mutual trust and respect is what you need in this relationship.

[nperreault3212]

For sure. I agree. I guess I thought cheaters fall under a cookie cutter mold and are bound to repeat thier actions. Moreover, I wanted to understand what drives people to even attempt to talk to others knowing its wrong. This definitely has been some food for thought. Being alone out here at sea most of my watch sometimes forces you dwell with your own thoughts and fears. It was good getting other people's opinions. I def agree with everyone, my actions were def. overboard and outlandish. Thanks for replies guys.

[chinagirl]

Cheating sometimes is a symptom of a problem in a relationship. I cannot speak for your GF why she did what she did. The most important thing here now, specially that you are away most of the time, is to continue communicating with her and let her know how you feel and not take her for granted.

Good luck and I hope things will continue to get better between you and her.

[michelle23]

Do you realize that you are controlling and abusive?? She hasnt cheated on you and you are making her walk on eggshells around you. She told her ex shes with you and isnt interested. You cant punish her coz he sent her dirty texts. How the hell is that her fault.

Seriously your just as bad as her ex. You may not abuse and hurt her by cheating but your doing so in other ways. If you cant let the poor girl breath then you will lose her

[nperreault3212]

For sure. I agree. I guess I thought cheaters fall under a cookie cutter mold and are bound to repeat thier actions. Moreover, I wanted to understand what drives people to even attempt to talk to others knowing its wrong. This definitely has been some food for thought. Being alone out here at sea most of my watch sometimes forces you dwell with your own thoughts and fears. It was good getting other people's opinions. I def agree with everyone, my actions were def. overboard and outlandish. Thanks for replies guys.

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@michelle23, you right I can't prove anything but I even said one situation the answer wasnt clear. I still to this day don't why a guy would continiously sent dirty texts if she wasn't sending some back. Some of her replys were deleted. One of his replies said "at home, where are you?" Is that not shady?

[smackie9]

I dated a controlling ass just like you, but I was a naive 15 year old girl, stupidly in love. Since he lived an hour away, he kept tabs on me, he didn't want me to have any kind of contact with male classmates, didn't want me to go out with my friends, etc. That's why when reading that it made me feel sick because I know what it's like and what she must be going through. It was a total nightmare looking back. The panic I felt, the worry, because I didn't want to lose him. He stole a part of my youth that I'll never get back.

Being a provider or making 100K do NOT entitle you to treat someone like a caged animal. You need frickin help. Your actions are not justifiable.

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Do you realize that you are controlling and abusive?? She hasnt cheated on you and you are making her walk on eggshells around you. She told her ex shes with you and isnt interested. You cant punish her coz he sent her dirty texts. How the hell is that her fault.

Seriously your just as bad as her ex. You may not abuse and hurt her by cheating but your doing so in other ways. If you cant let the poor girl breath then you will lose her

This poor girl doesn't realize she went from one abusive situation to another. I'm surprised her parents don't show concern for their daughter.

[Wakeup]

No offence just an observation, keep in mind I don't know you, but just going by your Op and your reaction to some truths ...

I Maybe i'm narcissitic and demand compliance

Maybe you should get some professional help for that because its really NOT normal behaviour.

but I do also care and love.

Yes, so did Hitler.

I don't know but who can sit on an internet forum all day

How about people that have more free time then you because they haven't been using up most of their time dogging their SO like Columbo?

My instincts say something did happen. Now my question wasnt about my actions. I'm a grown man who makes an honest and respectable living. I don't need a someone to tell me I went overboard. I asked can she change?

Not unless YOU can too.

Do people with thos behaviour change.

I don't know, do people with your behaviours change without therapy?

Also looking for insight on female psychology inregards to recent relationships. This girl is completely different person in regards to how she acts and treats this relationship but will it last? Is it just an act?

You'll find out in time, I'm sure. Other then that, how in the world would anyone but her know that?

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Adding:

Being alone out here at sea most of my watch sometimes forces you dwell with your own thoughts and fears.

I think you'd do well to stop trying to have a serious, committed relationship until your seman days are over. Pun intended.