25 y.o male w/ lack of interest in ANYTHING sexual

[wonderstruck]

Hi everyone!

So I signed up on here simply to get some thoughts/advice on this tough topic. I'm writing this about my boyfriend. Him and I have been together for 7.5 years and we are very much in love- however, we..or should I say I.. are quite unhappy in the bedroom.

My boyfriend is 25 years old. He's in pretty good health, he's 5'10", 210lbs, a police officer, happy, not too much stress..BUT he has NO interest in sex!
It's not always been this way.. we used to have an awesome sex life! We would exchange videos/photos/dirty texts, come home and try new things, try new places, he always had an interest and would show his need and desire throughout the day. He only ever occasionally masterbated, and that's been that way since I met him. He always made me feel like he was super attracted to me.

Within the last year though, things have changed. We are having sex maybe once or twice every two or three weeks. It's always the same thing- in bed, lights off, kiss for all of 3 minutes, (he can USUALLY get an erection) although we are experiencing a few times when he cannot, then he gets on top, last about a minute, climaxes, and it's over.

The dirty talking in all forms have stopped, although I've tried to initiate it many times. The sexual comments and gestures have stopped. The trying new things and places have stopped. And all of his excitement just seems..gone.
Even when we do have sex.. it almost seems like he is doing it.. because he has to? I'll say, or do, or wear, things around the house that should make him go crazy.. like it used to.. but now it's like it has no effect on him.

I can't remember the last he has kissed me anywhere other than my lips, he doesn't like to give oral sex (which is somewhat new and whole new issue), he doesn't do anything he used to do that he knows I like.. I could go on.

Whenever we have sex, I almost always like to follow it with a round 2 or 3.. he can NEVER get himself 'up' to complete a round 2. I respect him, don't make it a big deal, because I know if I'm hassling him about it then that will make it even harder. I also know I can't expect him to recover and be ready for a round 2 RIGHT AWAY. So I give us a couple of minutes to catch our breath, etc. Then I'll start to kiss him and whatnot. Sometimes we'll try for a half hour, but he can't make it happen.

I just don't know what the issue could be.
He CAN get an erection, although he can't maintain it too long.
I don't THINK it's any type of medical condition.

I don't think he's not attracted to me anymore.. we've talked about this issue plenty. He always reassures me that it's not me..

I've been TRYING to talk about this issue for about a year, and I've been mentioning it plenty. He doesn't open up much though. He just says "Well it's something I've got to work on." or "It's not that I don't want to." << I ask him what it is then, and he says "I don't know." or "nothing." --- we never have issues with talking about things, even personal things, but this is one thing I just can't get him to talk about.

Any insight, advice, thoughts, would be super appreciated!! ]

[Wakeup]

I lost all will to have sex again just reading that. O.o

Tell us, how did he respond to all the emasculation?

[Rowen]

I lost all will to have sex again just reading that. O.o

Tell us, how did he respond to all the emasculation?

^ My thoughts exactly... @.@

[michelle23]

7 and a half years and hes never given you an orgasm?? Never even tried. How can you still force yourself to have sex with him? It must be dry, uncomfortable and painful. were you faking it or what?? Or did he always know your not enjoying it and not care??

If you were faking it for 6 years then this is all your fault but if not-my advice is to dump him and go find yourself someone who actually wants you to like it. I would have dumped him within 3months..

[basilandthyme]

Oh Hon, that email you sent him was a shocker. I can see that you were aiming for constructive criticism, but you missed. Actually this is one of the reasons I never use letters or email to solve problems - it's far to easy to get it wrong.

I think that *expecting* round 2 or 3 could be asking too much of many men. I've had a number of boyfriends over the years, and most guys are generally happy to stop after one....except during the first sex sessions where all the hormones are in overdrive. That being said, it's not asking too much for him to learn about your body and please you. Perhaps you'd be more satisfied with just round 1 if he gave you some really rocking orgams during that session?

Anyway, this needs to be tackled on two fronts. You need to learn that your expectations of 2-3 climaxes each session a few times per week is a tall ask for many guys. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy who can't do this. And he needs to learn about giving.

[wonderstruck]

Trust me, by no means did I say or do anything to hurt his feelings or 'emasculate' him. After so many years with him, I know how to talk to him and him knows what I mean.

He was not upset in anyway.

- - - Updated - - -

I dont believe that I orgasm; however I do always feel plenty satisfied. Nothing is dry, uncomfortable or painful. I thoroughly enjoy myself.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks for your insight. I completely see how to some people the E-mail could have came off as offensive and rude. By no means was it intended that way, and he knows that. I know how to talk to him. He was not hurt in anyway. He actually appreciates me sending the E-mail.

I have only been with one guy- which is this guy. I've been with him since High School. Round 2 and 3 used to be a norm for us.. however, I guess I'm not quite considering we are older, and we are not quite in the 'High School Raging Hormones' phase anymore.
I think if round one was more satisfying I wouldn't always be wanting more..

I'm not sure how to get him to understand he needs to try a little harder and learn more about giving..

[Wakeup]

I think you need to communicate face to face and through your actions and guidance show him how to please you. You may think that what you said is what he can easily take but that's seriously got to play on a guys ego and subsequently his sexual performance (anxiety) in general.

Don't ask him if that email hurt him, he'll just tell you that it didn't in order save face. (once again).

May I suggest you send him one telling him only good things about himself and save bringing up the places he needs to improve in order to satify you by showing him in actions and guidance and voicing it sexily during your sessions. If after a certain time if he doesn't seem to be improving then perhaps a Psychosexual Therapist will help the two of you.

[url]http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/psychosexual.html[/url]

Good luck.

[wonderstruck]

We have communicated before and after the E-mail many times. Not much of a change..

A therapist seems like such an extreme, I'd really rather NOT have one. Who knows though, it could help. Thanks for your advice!

[Rowen]

I agree with Wakeup... If you really want things to change, you might want to seek a therapist. But otherwise, it sounds to me like you're not really as compatible if you try to communicate with each other and can't work through your problems.. So, if this is truly a pressing issue for you, ask yourself, "Can I live with this?" I say that because it's one thing to want to improve things...but it sounds like this is very serious for you, so it's either tinkle or get off the potty, so to speak...

[Wakeup]

We have communicated before and after the E-mail many times. Not much of a change..

I'm suggesting you stop talking about it because its emasculating him which will make his performance even more wrought with angst and fear of failing paralyzes him. I suggest that you show him, guide him, to do what will get you off. Train him in actions (rather then words) to be the lover you NEED him to be.

A therapist seems like such an extreme, I'd really rather NOT have one. Who knows though, it could help. Thanks for your advice!

Then if after you try to train him to be a good lover (I have a feeling you don't know what you need and that's why this isn't getting resolved) and that doesn't work then you have a decision to make as to whether or not you can live the rest of your life sexually frustrated. Don't stay and cheat on him because you're not fulfilled. Don't say "you'd never do that" because there is a world full of people who said they'd never, but emotional and physical affairs happened when they put themselves in the position for
that to go down.

Good luck.

[searock]

Damn, now I'm curious about that email...

OP, I have no advice for you that hasn't already been mentioned. I think you aren't sexually compatible, and either you try to see a sex therapist together, or you need to really ask yourself if you can live with this. Whatever you decide, good luck.

[Stay 2gether]

Honestly lady if you all have been together since high school maybe he has gotten bored and is starting to look at other things thats what it sounds like me i mean i hope i am wrong but no man just turns off in the bedroom unless he is getting his needs met by somebody else and if you dont want to do counceling then maybe you need to do a little digging because i dont know i could be wrong but that sounds like he is getting his needs met elsewhere hope all goes well lady!

[HeartIsAching]

I did read the email this morning before going to bed, and refrained from answering then because I had the urge to name-call... Decided I'd better reflect on it a bit before I did. Frankly, the OP is delusional; no man could hear the things she said without being offended and hurt, particularly with the name-calling and blaming going on in it.

Upon reading her further replies, it's obvious that she's not willing to entertain any notion that she's incorrect - she came here wanting validation, not advice.

Were she willing to listen to advice, I too would recommend couple's counseling - she doesn't know how to communicate effectively, and that is something she definitely needs.

[woody]

Wonder,

REad what others have said. Don't know anything about some email you sent him that some claim could be emasculating but hey, your man and you and have been together a long time for one so young. Highschool sweethearts still got it going on is a rare thing indeed.
You say he's an officer and works hard to boot. Hey, ALL relationships go through phases.
One thing that you'd want to avoid is over thinking. If he senses that this recent downtime is a issue for you, well, that doesn't help.

Could be he's got stuff going on; is pre occupied with work or something else like a health concern that's weighing on his mind.
Let's keep it simple and try something natural. If his libido has dropped, try something that has worked for thousands of years. GINSENG. (as long as he has no hypertension issues with his heart). Do some research and find what would work best for him. The stuff works. It truly does. Daily.

Make sure he has no vitamin B deficiency's and keep up the vegetables.
Do not take it personally, his lack of sex drive. Offer him a massage. Men need pampering just as much as women do. Again, try some Ginseng.

good luck

[Wakeup]

*Note to self* Always quote the original poster.