Feeling betrayed

[urbandecay]

So I have been seeing a guy for 7months. We have been having a great time, staying with each other at weekends, taking trips away, going to his family weddings and introducing each other to friends and family.

We tell each other we love each other, we are each other's soulmate and that marriage is something we could see us doing, we have even spoken about this to his friends.

However the other night my friend sent me images of his tinder and pof profiles. I was with him when this happened and immediately confronted him. To which he revealed that despite being 30 I was his first girlfriend, the person who took his virginity. He said that he set them up the night previously, after leaving my house as he got scared. He was scared that as a man of 30 he feels this way after 7months with me, as in could marry me and he's never been with another girl, so needed an ego boost. We spent from 11pm to 9pm the following evening in each other company, both of us crying, calling in sick off work and talking it out.

He deleted both accounts when I told him to. He promised me he'd never do it again. That I was his love and that he wants to build a life with me. He cried, he seemed so genuine.

I was ready to walk out. I accept his explanation not that I totally understand them. I love him and do feel that you fix a problem before you throw something like this away. However I am left feeling very insecure, under threat from virtual woman. I don't want to be in competition with a computer screen. I feel hurt, let down and disappointed at him. I do love him, I want to believe him when he says he'll never do it again. He was devastated when I tried to walk out.

I suppose I'm left doubtful. Should I let him go and let him play the field. If I was the right woman for him would he do this? No. If I was giving him what he needed would he do this I think not. I feel guilty and feel like it's my fault. I also feel weak for taking him back. Also why introduce me to family and friends, book holidays as far a a year in advance if you are going to cheat? Why promise me the stars and say and do the things we have done and then start two profiles up?

Things are normal between us. I'm brave facing it. I worry because I am his first girlfriend maybe he doesn't want to break it off... Or doesn't know how to.

I have given him the option of seeing other women and staying friends. Taking a break so he can do this, or being less serious, trying to understand his need. I told him that what he wants we will do, that is continue the way we are or break it off. He however cried and said he wants me in his future.

Bottom line I feel rubbish. Unsure. But surprisingly not mad at him, in love and forgave him like nothing happened.

Suppose an objective view might help. Or advice on what to do next x

[TablesandChairs]

Only you can decide whether this man is worth sticking around for or not; it's obviously hard just closing the door on someone you feel so strongly towards.

Fact is, though - he's sketchy. His love life has been seemingly impoverished for the last 30 years and when he finally does meet someone great, he decides 'Oh I'll just set up some online dating profiles now'. Seems weird. He's had at least 10 years of adulthood to do these things freely...

Honestly, if I came across someone who at age 30, had never had a real relationship...I'd wonder if there was something wrong with them. There's also the risk of dealing with someone so inexperienced...

I would just be really upfront; hey, adult relationships require commitment. If you feel you will be missing out on whatever experiences you feel you need to partake in, okay - but don't play immature games. Be upfront and go on your merry way if that's the case.

You don't want to be wasting your time on a flake, no matter how great he seems. Or, on someone whose first sexual experience has opened the flood-gates...

Secondly, don't feel guilty for a second; that's stupidity. You're dealing with a guy with the emotional maturity of your shoe size.

[michelle23]

After ONLY 7months, hes starting this shady shit. What will he be like after 7 years? Reality is hes insecure and you cannot trust insecure men. He will do this again. If your not enough of an "ego boost" for him now at this early stage then you never will be. I honestly feel you would be making a mistake giving him another chance. Looks like his confidence grew a little when he met you, went to his head and now he thinks he can do better. Do you really want to be second best?

[TheEvilJester]

I guess it is a tad bit difficult to comment. I am a pretty introverted guy, and extremely shy. I didn't have a girlfriend until very late, but even I did not make it even near 30 without ever having a girlfriend. So, I don't know. I can't imagine how that may feel to make it that far in life and never have even had a girlfriend. I guess maybe that could freak you out a little and make you insecure.

Honestly, my instinct, though, is to say there is no reason that it was okay for him to do what he did. If he was happy with you and appreciated you, I don't understand why he'd feel the need to have profiles on Internet dating sites at all.

I guess I would say that it is a big red flag, but maybe not a reason to instantly break it off. Especially considering you talked to him about it, and he seemed genuinely sorry and promised not to make the same mistake again.

So, for now, I guess just take him at his word, but keep an eye on him. Hopefully it was just a bit of a freak out on his part. Just don't let your guard down too much, at least until he proves a man of his word. You deserve somebody who will treat you like his one and only, not somebody who will wonder what else is out there. He should think he's already found the best, so why bother with the rest? If he doesn't feel that way, you need to leave and find the guy who will.

Good luck!

[woody]

Dear o.p

While my first instinctive gut thought agrees with what the others are saying, please allow me to flip the coin so to speak.
Okay. So buddy hadn't ever had a gf before you. You come along and wow, kaboom, wonderful. Some time passes and he just can't believe your into him still so what does he do? Tries to gain some confidence, some re assurance that other women might find him attractive too because if they do, maybe your attraction is genuine after all.

Not the best method? No, not the best way at all. Pretty stupid thing to do on his part. Usually men who are truly into their lady do not set up on line profiles to see how many hits they get. But i'm sure this happens more often than we think. You know, ego boost's and all that other jazz.

OR, he's tapping into his inner player that has been dormant for so long. Strange timing after meeting a nice lady like you.
But only you know what this guys like, how you two feel together and if he's worth the benefit of any doubts you might be having.

People do dumb things sometimes. My modo?, one, two, three strikes their out in the ol' ball game.

lastly, i'm sorry your going through this. You meet some pleasant fellow, talk of future things together, half a year passes and you find out he's setting up online dating prof's. What a moron. Maybe a nice moron but a moron none the less. Up to you to forgive him or not.

[urbandecay]

Thank you all for your replies.

Having reflected on the situation the only solution I can come to is time will sort this out.

I'm a patient person. I accept why he did it and I suppose it makes me weak but I almost feel more for what his needs are than my own.

I've been let down and so disappointed in him. I am willing to brave face it. But ultimately I now find myself thinking what's he up to? The paranoid gf I do not want to be. However I two am a strike and you are out girl... So final warning.

Thing that hurts the most is I am a good person, loyal, loves whole heartily and really enjoy this relationship. I shouldn't have to feel second best to a computer screen.

Or maybe he needs to man up. Who really knows.

[michelle23]

Why has he never had a relationship before??

[urbandecay]

He is shy, insecure and doesn't think he's attractive. He said he has always done things years after everyone else.

[michelle23]

So why now does he all of a sudden feel the urge to play the field? He could have done that 10years ago.. I wouldn't stay with someone so immature and so far behind. Men your age are ready to settle down. Hes not. Why waste your time?

[vashti]

I would consider not giving HIM the option to decide how this relationship will progress. If your relationship continues on, you will always worry that he is feeling like he is missing something. Maybe you should cut things off with him for a specific length of time (maybe 6 months?), during which time you will BOTH continue to date other people, and then reassess your interest at the end of that time period.

[urbandecay]

Fair point. The thing is he's not a player. You almost have to meet this guy to understand where I'm coming from. Like this is a guy who's mum bought his clothes and lays them out for him. He was genuinely devastated that I discovered his Indisgression. Not because he was caught out, but because he thought I was going to walk out on him.

We all make mistakes. This being his first one I can live with. The next he's gone.

As I said. Time will tell. People don't get to 40 years of marriage without working out the bumps in the road or by throwing it away at the first sign of trouble. Maybe I'm deluding myself. Who knows. But time will tell x

- - - Updated - - -

I would consider not giving HIM the option to decide how this relationship will progress. If your relationship continues on, you will always worry that he is feeling like he is missing something. Maybe you should cut things off with him for a specific length of time (maybe 6 months?), during which time you will BOTH continue to date other people, and then reassess your interest at the end of that time period.

I gave him the option to do this. Concerned he was missing out on the dating experience. Rather cheat, take a break and let him do what he needs to do. He shot it down straight away. I have offered him this on more than one occasion.

[vashti]

I am not talking about you "offering". I am talking about YOU making a decision.

[urbandecay]

Fair point. The thing is he's not a player. You almost have to meet this guy to understand where I'm coming from. Like this is a guy who's mum bought his clothes and lays them out for him. He was genuinely devastated that I discovered his Indisgression. Not because he was caught out, but because he thought I was going to walk out on him.

We all make mistakes. This being his first one I can live with. The next he's gone.

As I said. Time will tell. People don't get to 40 years of marriage without working out the bumps in the road or by throwing it away at the first sign of trouble. Maybe I'm deluding myself. Who knows. But time will tell x

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I gave him the option to do this. Concerned he was missing out on the dating experience. Rather cheat, take a break and let him do what he needs to do. He shot it down straight away. I have offered him this on more than one occasion.

Thing is I shouldn't have to give him the option. He should either break up with me if that's what he wants to do. I am not coming second best to other women. Being his back up if pastures are not greener elsewhere.

- - - Updated - - -

I'm more clear cut. Break up or stay in it.

For now I'm going to see how it goes.

[moneyspills]

if I came across someone who at age 30, had never had a real relationship...I'd wonder if there was something wrong with them. There's also the risk of dealing with someone so inexperienced...








[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CP4j-FoLL2w]How Can I Get Back Together With My Ex[/url]

[Wakeup]

"he should break up with me if that's what he wants to do." Are you serious? Shouldn't you take your personal power back and utilize your own personal boundaries and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable, that he's not ready to have a decent partner like yourself in his life and just break up with him and let him play the field while you do the same? Why are you so keen on keeping a guy that (likely has lied to you about only being in one relationship) claims to be only in one relationship so he jumps right in to jeopardize the very first one? Don't you think that his inexperience, if he actually loved you, he would want to hold onto you and not potentially ruin what you two have? He's got a cheaters mentality after his first relationship?

You are so codependent that you "give him an option" to have other women while you go on what you call a "break" so he can screw and come back to you? Are YOU that desperate for a guy in your life that you have no sense of yourself and you'll do just about anything to keep him including sticking in his life while he experiments with stranger bush? Really? What is SO GOOD about him that you dismiss this? If your friend hadn't of seen his accounts, you'd be cheated on by now and he wouldn't let you know that he was. THAT is the type of man you've just discovered in the mere 7 months you've been in his life.

So: What is missing in you that you're desperate enough to keep going with this chump?