Dying to tell him how I feel but would that be a terrible thing to do?

[Ditapage]

This guy and I were good friends and there was a spark between us. We were 'friends' but if we were sitting together on a couch or walking side by side we did it closely. After rumors went around that we were something more I freaked out and denied my feelings telling him "I hope this stuff doesn't come between our friendship" and he started dating someone after I said I had been hanging out with another guy. I asked him who the girl was when we all went out one day and he said "she's just a friend" and as soon as I mentioned I was hanging out with somebody too, he was dating her a week later.

We don't talk anymore because I completely dropped off. I turn down invites to hang out, and my unresolved feelings for him are killing me. I want to tell him why I denied it, that I always liked him and just wanted to say it in my own time and not have gossiping people force it out of me, but he has been dating her for 6 months, and I feel it's not the right thing to do.

But do I owe it to him? He might've had more in mind than friends with me, but I shut him down before he had a chance and he moved on. I could've been open about my feelings while he was still single, but it's too late now, right? I am leaving this place soon and I feel I can't go with so much left unsaid and I don't know how else to stop thinking about him but to tell him. I feel like its unfair to the girl he's seeing but other people have told me its not her choice, it's his.

He still looks at me the way he did when he was single. Starry-eyed, it's hard to explain. At a friends wedding a few months ago I was dancing and he was sitting and watching me though he was with his girlfriend and he chose to sit where he could see me, he was always looking over at me. I feel like he still has feelings but gave up on me. In hindsight he was very caring and attentive and we stared at each other constantly.

I am so in love with him. There are moments where I feel over it then it hits me out of nowhere how much I miss him and its unbearable. I am staying away to try and heal but the missing is getting worse. I never want him to think I walked away because I didn't care. I feel like I need to tell him why. He's close to his sister who never talked to me but she sent me a message out of nowhere the other day to see where I was. He doesn't contact me. And I hate to think he felt lead on by me, either. If you were in my shoes, would you have to let them know or live forever with "what if?"

[lovebroken]

I think I would let him know for your own peace of mind and do it realizing it might not change or mean anything to him, do it for you if it is driving you crazy not being truthful with him on your feelings. Wouldn't he know you dropped off because it was hard to be around him and still feel so much and you needed space? Did it hurt you he never contacted you, did you wish he had of? Regret is horrible it eats at you.

[kkrls]

I completely get what you're saying. On one hand I feel bad for the girl because well I wouldn't want a girl messaging my boyfriend saying she's in love with him and if he does still have feelings for you it would threaten their relationship. But then again I feel like you need to tell him. Because if it really is meant to be then he should know. The way you explain him looking at you in a way if he still has feelings for you its already unfair for her to begin with. I say just go for it. I mean you only live once and just see what happens. Just don't get your hopes up just realize he is in a relationship now and its different

[katyk]

I agree with previous. You have nothing to lose by explaining! At least then you will know for sure his feelings and if he chooses to stay with his gf, you can close the chapter and start another. I would write him a letter (or email)....be totally honest in your letter. That way he has time to digest and think about it without being put on the spot. Then wait...no further communication because the ball is then in his court. It is a bit underhand to his gf but she could be a rebound relationship and that isn't fair to her either.

[Xelah]

I would tell him RIGHT NOW ! because if you what you 2 have is true love then you shall be together but maybe this new girl he has is his true love who knows ? but if you are ment to be he will come for you

[Ditapage]

I'm really grateful for everyone's replies and it was therapeutic for me just to tell this sorry story. Because if I had been honest about my feelings, maybe things would've been different. I consider him the highest price I've ever paid for dishonesty/cowardice. Even rejection (which was my fear all along) is better than wondering.

I desperately want to know what was ever there between us but I feel it's just so out of place now that he has a girlfriend. A girl who I probably pushed him into the arms of because to overcompensate for my sadness, I would say to him "she's really nice" and act like I was so happy for him to have met someone else. I feel the ONLY time I could come clean is if he were to become single again. Because as much as I want answers and closure, and an explanation for why he was attentive and why he looks at me so much still, if he loved me he COULDN'T have a relationship with someone else, right? I just don't think its possible to be with someone while being secretly in love with someone else (especially when the someone else is single)

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know. I have to admit I am kind of siding with how you are feeling about it, Ditapage. I kind of lean towards feeling like it would be wrong to say something now that he is in a relationship. Maybe the two of them will work out, maybe they won't, but you don't want to be the reason they don't.

It seems like others don't necessarily agree, though, so I can admit I could be wrong. Maybe that is just my feeling on the matter. I just personally feel like, no matter the situation, you just don't mess with somebody's relationship. If the two of them happen to not work out, then sure confess your feelings when he is single again. I just personally feel like confessing now would just be unburdening yourself while possibly causing turmoil in what may be an otherwise happy relationship, or even potentially losing him even as a friend. Were I in your situation, I'd feel like I was just doing it to make me feel better at the cost of possibly making others feel worse.

The others who have responded do make some good points as well, though. Ultimately it is his decision if they stay together. So, perhaps having a serious talk with him about it would be the right thing to do. I don't know.

I will say this, AT LEAST if that is what you decide, I don't think you should present it as a "I think we are meant to be together, please leave her for me" sort of thing. I think you should just explain that you always liked him, explain why you reacted the way you did, and leave it at that. I would say, tell him you realize he is now in a relationship and you are happy for him. Tell him you don't mean to tell him this hoping he will do anything about it, you just wanted to clear the air and felt he deserved to know. Then, wish him well with the other girl and leave it at that. It will be up to him to decide what he wants to do with the information.

I still personally don't feel that is the route I'd take, but since a few others seem to sit on the other side of that fence, I can certainly acknowledge I could be wrong. Either way, good luck.

[lissa]

I definitely agree with theeviljester. It's not your place to try to break up a couple or try to make his old feelings for you resurface while he's in a relationship with someone else.

It's his decision to be with her. If all he wanted was you, then he should be able to dump her and take a risk to let you know how he feels. But he's not doing that. He has a girlfriend now and even if he maybe has some lingering feelings for you, he's decided to put them aside for her. I'd get out of the way of the relationship. There are other great guys out there for you who are single. If it's meant to be with this guy, he'll eventually be single and you'll have your chance.

Also, I've had many feelings of "this is meant to be" with guys in my life, and I often look back on them and laugh at myself a bit. Sometimes you need to take these strong urges with a grain of salt. What if this isn't really love?? Seems like it could just be a very strong feeling of regret and longing for what you can't have now. What if you confessed your love to him, broke them up, and then realized he wasn't the one for you after all? Makes for a pretty sticky situation.

[TheEvilJester]

What if you confessed your love to him, broke them up, and then realized he wasn't the one for you after all? Makes for a pretty sticky situation.

That is a really good point. Even though you had feelings for him before but never got to explore them, that doesn't necessarily mean anything would have ever come of it anyway. Maybe you two would have gotten together, but in the end it just wouldn't have worked out anyway. But, imagine if that was the end result..... after you were the cause of him breaking up with his girlfriend.

So, again, my personal thought on the matter is that you should just move on and not tell him. If he winds up single again down the road, and you happen to still be single at the time, then feel free to confess at that time. But, again, that is just my opinion. That said, I also want to clarify that you certainly should NOT just wait around hoping he eventually becomes single. It would be best just to move on and look for your true match in other guys for now. If fate decides to bring you two together, then it will happen. Don't put your life on hold waiting for something that may never come to be.