I JUST realized why I hate my ex- how do i let go of the anger?

[SueNami]

Sheesh, talk about bad timing.

So I was married for 4 years. We had a son and an already rocky relationship...and well...that's not a recipe for success. He had been a liar since day 1, of course I had no idea. And not like a 'cheater' liar... like a 'hey i found this awesome house to move to, lets go live there and be happy'...and then you find out your homeless... and kinda broke because you bought out your old lease. Not kidding. true story.

Anyway...I made a ton of bad decisions, including staying with him...

He's still in my life because he's in my son's life and he's always irritated me. Really pushes my buttons. Last night he came over and he was talking about this girl he's dating. (we are both dating and I've actually dated two guys since I left him a year ago, the first one was way too soon and was a rebound... the one I'm dating now I'm quite happy with.) Now- I am not a jealous person and I am definitely NOT one of those "I don't want him but no one else can have him" kind of people. He's talked about her before and I'm just kind of whatever.... By the time he started dating her (just recently) I was pretty indifferent to it, actually kind of glad he's moving on because he was clingy for quite some time.

Well last night he said something that really SET ME OFF. And it wasn't even anything big... but I have to tell you first how he's been painting this picture of her to be quite something special. She's petite. She has a masters. She's younger than me. She owns this nice car and a house in this zip code. She's a gym rat and really in shape. blah blah blah. (My ex is tall and good looking, but he's a doofus. lol He really is. It can be cute but in the end he can't take care of himself, let alone contribute to a relationship and that's why our failed... the lies are part of that too, of course)

Anyway - what he said just gave me this image of him walking into this new perfect little relationship, with this perfect little 'girl' and I started to get MAD. it wasn't that he had someone. It wasn't that she is better than me. It was that I realized I was my own version of this girl when I met him. I was living MY DREAM. Every single day I woke up and got to do what I loved more than anything all day long. I was going to college too. I had friends, maybe not great friends, but we had fun. I owned my own business. Money was ok. It was good enough most of the time. And a little bad sometimes...but overall it was enough. And I didn't want for anything. I took vacations. I had toys... not sex toys. lol. I had a motorcycle and dirtbikes and took piano lessons. .................and then I met him. And SLOWLY... he took every single thing from me. My home that I leased, my dream home with land where I kept my horses. Then the horses one by one. I refused to sell one. I've had him 15 years. Then the piano because I didn't have anywhere to move it to. He even convinced me to sell my business because he didn't like it. he'd support me he said. ... never happened... Then the motorcycle and toys to pay bills. My friends slowly dissipated - i lived farther away from them now. Didn't have the 'ties that bind' anymore... we lost touch. No vacations. No college. No money.

And still I stayed. The whole time hoping and dreaming to get back to where I was when I met him. That's all I ever wanted. I would get in fights with him and he would call me cold hearted, unforgiving, materialistic. And I believed him for a long time and I beat myself up for not being able to love him better...

Then add on top of it that I got pregnant in that time. Now I have a son. Add to that hormonal issues and excessive weight gain. I've gotten off most of it, but my body is not anywhere close. Add to that trust issues that I carry forward with everyone in my life because of his lies.

Anyway... Last night... all of this hit me. And I was overcome with rage at the realization that he took EVERYTHING from me that made me ME. And then he simply finds some other 'perfect' little girl to start over with. No consequences. No negative outcomes for him. No rebuilding anything. No daily struggle to adapt to a life that he hates.

AND I JUST LOST IT.

..when I decided to leave him I mourned that I would never have a proper family for my son. I mourned that all that time of 'trying to make it work' was for nothing. I cryed and cryed because I knew I couldn't change him I could only take responsibility for my own action and it was time to stop letting him impact my life.

BUT NEVER did I experience such anger.

I just don't know how to deal with this. Today I am pretty numb from everything. But how do I get over this? I am dating a wonderful man and in the process of trying to buy another business..... the worst possible thing would be for this to impact my life moving forward. But I feel so unprepared for these emotions. I thought I was done caring about the relationship and what it did to me.

[SueNami]

I'm bumping. Because I'm impatient. And because I could really use someone's input on this.

[basilandthyme]

Hugs to you.

A couple of thoughts: spend as little time with him as possible. Pick ups, drop offs and that's it. No friendly chats, no social media. Just limit contact to be about your son.

Also, acknowledge the past. Let yourself be angry - you can't work through the anger if you don't admit it. But when you're done with that, start by acknowledging your blessings each time the old negatives pop into your mind.