Advice on how to trust guys again?

[Jane89]

I have serious trust issues at the moment and absolutely terrified of getting close to a guy again.

I am 22 and all my relationships ended badly. I am partially to blame as I am a very nice/kind person and many people take advantage of this (it shouldnt be a crime but it can be a negative thing)
Last year in January, I dated a guy for 3 months and turns out he never liked me and was just using me to show off/popularity reasons (not sexual reasons) and left me as soon as he found another girl. I was obviously very upset and blamed myself for it, thinking maybe I wasn't good enough or attractive enough etc.
I promised myself I will take a break for a year from dating/relationships and concentrate on my studies and work, which I did.

Earlier this year, I met this guy through mutual friends. Despite being paranoid I got close to him, I really ended up liking him and we became very close. We were together for about 3 months and one day he accused me of cheating on him with 3 others men. I was absolutely shocked and thought he was joking, which he wasn't. I asked him where he got that from and he just said 'I just heard about it' and he said he never wants to see and talk to me again. One of the guys he accused me of cheating with was one of our male friends who is engaged.
I was absolutely confused and upset, and this happened a day before my birthday. My friend who got accused of cheating on with me was also terrified cause he was engaged and the lie could of possibly ruined his relationship. I was very stressed, I was stressing about my upcoming exams, I was stressing over the fact that I was being accused of doing something disgusting (and he told our mutual friends just so they wouldn't blame him), and stressing over my friends relationship.

For weeks I tried to speak to him but he wouldn't even talk. I spent weeks inside, barely eating and talking to anyone.
Later on he admitted it; he just made it ALL up to break up with me 'easily' because he didn't have the nerve to say it to me directly. He was just using me to make himself feel better since not many girls gave him attention or dated him. He said he never cared about me one bit, not even as a friend and didn't even apologise for the lies he spread about me or jeopardising our friends relationship. I told him he could of just made up a easier lie, like "I dont want to see you anymore, want to concentrate on studies" or something, instead of accusing me of something I never did and making me miserable for weeks...
Again, I blamed myself for being too nice and getting close to someone, I felt like despite not doing anything wrong to him (as I have asked and he said I never did anything wrong to him) it was my fault.

Now I am absolutely terrified of getting close to someone. Its been 2 months and my friends tried to set me up with their friends but I won't even give them a chance as I always have this idea in my head that guys only use me, despite them not all being like that and its not really fair on me or them.

I don't really know how to trust guys again or trust my own judgement. I just need advice from anyone who has had similar experiences or how they knew...

Soo... has anyone had any similar experiences? How did you trust someone again? Or any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance

[basilandthyme]

Trusting someone else comes from being able to trust yourself. Trusting yourself to make the right decisions in choosing a partner. Trusting yourself to recognise red flags and act on them. Trusting that you will recover if you have a break up.

Now, I'm not seeing this in your opening paragraph. You say "I am 22 and all my relationships ended badly. I am partially to blame as I am a very nice/kind person and many people take advantage of this". Yes, some other people have appalling behaviour.....but if you keep finding yourself in bad relationships, you need to look at your own choices.

Being nice and kind is a terrific thing. But I'm betting that you've possibly excused behaviour which is hinting towards the dissatisfaction of a partner. Generally speaking, breakups don't come out of the blue. Most of the time there are clues, and you need to be tuned in and listen.

The way forward is to trust yourself to have a degree of cynicism when required. Be prepared to dump a guy who isn't what he seems. Look for red flags. Don't accept less than what you want in a relationship. And know that you have resilience for if/when it ends.

Don't get me wrong, relationships aren't all crap. There are many fine men out there, but you need to sift through the bullshit to find them.

[pcmaster]

Basically just your first relationships ended badly. Its funny how you were writing about second guy because it looks like he broke up with you just before your birthday so he wouldn't have to give gift to you. Just kidding.

I think it takes at least 6 months before being able to see the real person. But you really get to know person after breakup. I just suggest be more reserved, dont fall so fast for the guys. Of course you always take a risk when letting someone new in your life but don't love straight away with all your heart. Love with brains. You see guys who choose you are not always the best guys. Sometimes you have to choose guys.

[Jane89]

Thanks for your reply

I agree that I have to be able to trust myself and my judgements. In the past, I have noticed 'red flags' about certain people before I got into a relationship and ended them, but for some reason I couldn't recognise it with the last 3 guys I was in a relationship with.

About the breakups not coming out of the blue, that is true, but like I have mentioned; the last few guys, especially the last two were just 'acting' the whole time pretending to like and care about me, so as soon as they got bored of it they jumped to the first opportunity to end the relationship, if they had legitimate feelings towards me and had real reasons to break up with me they would of given clues throughout the relationship, but didn't. Not sure if this makes sense.. if not i apologise.

Thanks again for your input

- - - Updated - - -

I agree that it takes a while to actually get to know the person. I am definitely not falling for guys so easily, I am actually very picky considering I am paranoid as it is and try to get to know them as much as I can before jumping into a relationship.

My friends have said it as well, I am WAY too nice and some guys see that as a opportunity to use me for it. About 3 guys wanted to date me last year after my breakup and I kindly rejected them, mainly cause I didn't want to be with anyone and generally feeling worried it was going to end badly.
I gave it another chance and it ended with me being accused of doing something disgusting and it turning into a huge mess, so it has left a bad taste in my mouth.
But I think I can start with being extra cautious in the future and giving it more time.

Thanks for your reply

[basilandthyme]

Were your friends any help? Sometimes they help see through the bullshit

[Khocie]

I think we females see some early signs but choose to ignore them, they say woman intuition never lies. We forgive their faults because we know we not perfect ourselves and no one is. But as long we do not give up on love that all that matters. Secondly it is important not to give others mistakes of those in the past, it is good to take time to get to know someone and take or treat them accordingly

[Jane89]

Unfortunately no, my best friends have known him for about 5-6 years and if they noticed it they would of definitely told me.
When it sort of went down they were shocked and said things like, "I thought he definitely liked you" and so forth and quite angry over it. I guess some people are just good at acting

[basilandthyme]

So I guess there are just some times we have to write it off as being bad luck. But again, the new trust comes from knowing you have the inner strength to recover.

[Jane89]

I agree.
I try to see some cases as 'bad luck'. If this does happen again I would atleast know how to handle it better.
My last experience was just a disaster, if the relationship just ended with the guy breaking up with me it wouldn't of been 'as bad like the rest, it ended with him making up terrible rumours about me, abusing and involving my friends (which effected them aswell).
Trying to deal with the stress of uni/work, accusations about me and friends, breakup at once was difficult to deal with.

Thanks again for the insight, it definitely gave me something to think about :-)

[nootkan]

Don't beat yourself up for being too nice as there is nothing wrong with it. Some guys are just a holes who take advantage of nice girls but usually karma will bite them were they sit. Try to be strong and learn from each bad relationship and sooner rather than later you will see the bad ones before it gets to far along in the relationship and deal with them. Don't be afraid to dump their sorry asses when you don't like what you see or hear. Also don't let the last 3 guys ruin your future potential relationships, just write them off and move on. It won't take long for a nice guy to find you and give you what you want out of a relationship. Keep being yourself and keep your chin up!

[shrikantji]

So clearly, there are plenty of good reasons to be willing to love and trust again. But that doesn’t mean that it’s easy to do. For many people who have been hurt in a past relationship, the question is not why it’s good to be open to love again, but how to get themselves to do so.

If this is where you are, then here are some suggestions that might make it less scary as you think about putting yourself back out there.