What is she thinking??

[Temple]

Met this girl about a year ago. We spent several months texting, calling, hung out a few times, but never officially started dating. It never had a 'friends only' vibe either. She's a single mom with a 2 year old so it always seemed like we were getting to know each other before deciding what we wanted to be. It was going well for a while, she would initiate texts/calls/lunch, use lots of emojis, laugh at my jokes, etc. Then about 3-4 months ago, seemingly for no reason at all and literally overnight, she became more distant. She responded less frequently and less often, she didn't joke around in her texts like she used to, etc. Finally, I asked about it a couple weeks ago. She said that she had a lot going on with her daughter, her uncle died, she started a new job with long hours, and that she didn't think she was ready for a relationship right now and didn't want to lead me on. A day or two later I wrote her a letter saying I really liked her, if she wasn't ready to date right now I'd wait, and told her how great I thought she was. She texted me immediately after reading it and only said 'thanks'. I tried calling her a few days later, but she was busy and said she would call the next day. She did call and we talked for a few minutes but she seemed distant or guarded. She was driving home and had her daughter to get in and fed dinner so I don't know if she was just multitasking and distracted. In the week or two since then I have been texting her most days and she texts back right away, quicker than she ever did before, but the texts are usually just to the point. However, she still isn't as playful as she once was. I'm not sure if that was so long ago (3-4 months) that she needs time to get used to me again or what is going on. Is she sorting things out, not interested, adjusting to me liking her,....I just don't know.

[TheEvilJester]

She's thinking of the number 4, and..... cream cheese for some strange reason. ....No, I'm kidding of course. I'm not Shawn Spencer, psychic detective consultant to the Santa Barbara Police Department. Nor I am his partner, Burton "Gus" Guster with his Super Sniffer.

In other words, being serious, I don't know what she is thinking. Nor will any of us on this board. From her sudden 180, it could very well mean she decided she wasn't interested. Honestly, it could very well also mean she does have a lot going on and just isn't ready for a relationship right now.

Typically, I lean towards saying that if somebody is interested in you, they are going to make time for you. That no matter what they have going on, if they want to be with somebody, they will make time for them. Usually that is the case, but there can be times when you just have so much crap raining down in your life that you don't feel healthy enough to have a relationship.

So, is it possible that she does or could like you are more than just a friend, but just can't see being with anybody right now? Sure. The thing is, even if that IS the case, the result is the same. She's not open to being with you (or possibly anybody). At least not right now.

You thought there could really be something there, so I would say you were right to at least give it a shot. Why give up instantly? Thing is, you took your chance. You confessed your feelings to her and said you understand her not being ready, but that you would like to some day start a relationship with her.

As you said, she basically just responded with a thank you. I think that was your answer right there. That was most likely her not feeling the same way, but just not wanting to hurt your feelings. Now, you were brave enough to confess your feelings. She could/should have just returned the favor and been honest with you. Instead of just a simple "thanks" she should have shared her thoughts on the situation. Was her "thanks" a "Thanks, but I'm not interested," or was it a "Thanks, I would really like that, but I'm just not sure when I'll feel ready?" You're not a mind reader either (at least I don't think so), so you can't know that.

So, bottom line, I think that is your cue to move on. I wish I could offer more optimistic advice, but it doesn't sound like she is interested. At least not any time in the near future. If she had said she really like you and wanted to be with you, but just couldn't right now, maybe that would be a little different. Maybe then you give her some time. For now, though, you have no way to know how long she'll take to get through all her current drama in her life. For that matter, even if you do wait around, by the time she does, you have no idea if she'll be interested in pursuing anything with you. Don't waste your time waiting around on something that may never happen. Now, I think, is the time to start looking for other women. Maybe she doesn't appreciate a good thing when she has it, or maybe she's just in an unfortunate time in her life where she just doesn't have time for a relationship. Either way, you need to worry about you.

Now, if you think you would be okay with remaining just friends with her (and it wouldn't really just result in you still waiting around hoping she changes her mind), then I say go ahead and keep her as a friend. You never know. Maybe fate would eventually bring you two together. However, if you think being around her as a friend would make it too hard for you not to just want more, then probably better to just distance yourself completely.

Good luck to you. I hope you find the woman you are looking for, whether that winds up being her or not.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you just take what she said to you at face value and stop trying to force her into responding to your text. She's busy and she has a new job and she is only half into anything you two have going on.

There are other women out there and you'd be a very foolish guy to not exercise any other options you have lined up. If you don't have any other options then get working at getting some. She's fools gold. It looked like it was the real thing but it turned out to be fake.

[Sarcasticshoe]

It would be entirely speculation on my part to guess why - all I can tell you if some the sounds of it she's not currently interested. Not to say that she won't be but not right now. A baby is a lot to manage as well as that means the father is probably still in the picture in some way shape or form. The best thing you can do is to back off a bit on the communicating.... It's only going to overwhelm her if you are too needy

[Temple]

To clarify a bit more, she told me that she wasn't looking for a relationship b/c of everything she had going on & b/c she had been hurt in the past (that was more reading between the lines but very obvious). That same conversation she was very engaged and asking me lots of questions about what was going on in my life. A couple days later I sent her the letter telling her how I feel. She replied simply with 'thanks for the email'. The following week is when she called me. And this past week I have texted her a few times with simple stuff, like have a nice day, etc. & she texts back almost immediately. She never texted back that quickly before, although the responses aren't very conversational. Am I just being thick, or is she sending mixed signals? If I really do like, care about, & want to be with her, what can I do?

[TheEvilJester]

Again, it is hard for us to say. I don't think she is sending mixed signals though. I think the signal she is sending is clear. She likes you, at least in some way. It may be just as a friend, it may be as more, but it certainly doesn't sound like she doesn't want you in her life at all right now. However, whether she likes you as just a friend, or as more than a friend, the signal she is sending is she is not ready for a relationship right now. Not with you, not with anybody.

Could she be ready for a relationship with you in the future? Maybe, maybe not. Does she herself even know the answer to that? Maybe, maybe not. Bottom line, though, the signal I think she is sending is she is not interested. Again, maybe that could change down the road. You just should never put your own life on hold waiting for something that may never happen. Go out there and look for your ideal match elsewhere. If fate should happen to bring you two together, then great, but why hold yourself back for somebody who may or may not ever give you a chance.

[Wakeup]

To clarify a bit more, she told me that she wasn't looking for a relationship b/c of everything she had going on & b/c she had been hurt in the past (that was more reading between the lines but very obvious). That same conversation she was very engaged and asking me lots of questions about what was going on in my life. A couple days later I sent her the letter telling her how I feel. She replied simply with 'thanks for the email'. The following week is when she called me. And this past week I have texted her a few times with simple stuff, like have a nice day, etc. & she texts back almost immediately. She never texted back that quickly before, although the responses aren't very conversational. Am I just being thick, or is she sending mixed signals? If I really do like, care about, & want to be with her, what can I do?

This further information changes nothing. A chick that is interested in you will show you clearly that she is and there will be nothing "mixed messagy" about it.

Move on. You keep yourself stagnated from finding someone who will show you clearly that they want you in their life the way you want them. Don't settle for being her male girlfriend also known as "I'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship" which is simply a soft way of rejection.

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