Am I right to be worried by this

[Crushed1]

So a little back story I guess. Been with my girlfriend a year. All is pretty good. She definitely loves me as much as I do her, I don't doubt that.

Few small problems, all down to me. When we first went out. Like maybe been together a month. Our ideas of what was going on were a little different. And I slept with someone else. Who obviously turned out to be one of her friends. Which was a horrible thing, that I genuinely regret. I didn't lie about it however, she forgave me after we had a long talk about it.

Also, we both have a child with a ex partner. However on paper I am still married. This is partly due to my ex dragging her feet with the divorce initially for no other reason than to annoy me. Bit more lately due to the cost involved. So perhaps they have some influence in the following.

So it all started I guess with google+ and her posting pictures of herself one quite racy one, which would all be followed by a ton of likes and guys commentinget everything from "wow you are gorgeous" to "OK now on your knees and **** it".

That I obviously didn't like one bit. But I didn't say anything even when she would reply to comments with kisses and winks and whatnot.

One day I saw a guy who had recently liked and commented on all of her photos and they had had brief back and forth conversations. His profile picture was just a muscly torso which just made me laugh as I thought possible myself. 'What a tool' and clicked know his profile to see he was in her circle. (The same I guess as being friends on facebook)

Then I looked at his photos and saw she's liked one of his bare chested posing and another of him in just thinking white boxer shorts nursing what is unmistakably an erection.

That was kinda enough for me. So I told her about it saying simply I don't like it. She laughed at me. Then said she'd delete it. I also told her about the "on your knees" guy. Who she was also friends with!! I deleted home personally, but she never deleted the bare chested guy (and in fact after the latest incidental I'll get too in some minute I discovered he'd actually been sending her text messages and pictures. Though it looked as if she hadn't replied to him.)

So fast forward a few weeks and for some reason she gave me her phone, to fix something or do something on it. And as I pressed like the menu button which shows all open apps, in order to go back to something I saw a long conversation with a guy on wechat.

It hadn't escaped my attention that rather than just post more modestly on Google or not interact with the people who comment. She had simply stopped going on there all together. Which may or may not be or any relevance.

But I asked her what it was and then started scrolling through the very long conversation. The two parts which really hurt were about the 4th or 5th time they'd spoke when he asked if she had a boyfriend and she wrote the following:

" Yes but he's still married to another woman with a family."

Which to me is telling him yes bit she's still available. Or something.

And then later on he had asked "so, when can we meet?"
And she had replied "maybe tonight" and then a laughing smiley.

At this point I was furious. She's said she'd delete him and she never even thought about cheating on me. Etc etc. Just she was bored and not even thinking like that. She promised me she wouldnt talk to other guys any more. Even though i never asked her to promise that.

So later on I realise that the day of that second message was sent night she went out with her friends to a nightclub and I saw her in the morning when she was really hungover.

When I pressed her about this she just got majorly defensive and it ended up when she said "OK well break up with me if you think I cheated on you"

We carried on fine really i just kind of forgot about ignored the as I believed her.

But then fast forward to a few days ago and I had her phone to transfer everything onto a new handset. When same thing happens and I see we chat conversations. About 5 of them with guys.

There is nothing particularly bad in any of them but a lot for flirting. And because of the way the wechat app works (I downloaded it to find out) for random people to message you, you have to look for people in your area. Then anyone in your area who's looking can see and message you. Which isn't great. This time she didn't really think she'd done anything wrong and was a little bit angry at me for suggesting she had. Even though I had seen a text message from a guy with a conversation where he asked could he come tonight. She replied: " no because my boyfriend will be here at 11 or maybe 12"

She told me he had come to collect something. And that she told me about it. Bit she hadn't. And she was struggling for an answer at first. Not saying anything while she look for 'an object' and only after she found it about a minute later did she actually say that he had come to retrieve something.

I also see the top less tool shed has been messaging her like I said. I go out for a walk because I'm fuming. And when I come back I asked to see the text again to see if it made sense compared to what she said. But she said she had already deleted everything.


Later on i realised the day she was telling the guy he can't come because I'd expect there. Was the same day she promised never to talk to other men to me.

So .... reading that back it sounds a lot like I'm the most gullible bastard in the world. But a lot of sites I've been reading seem to think talking to guys online is no big deal. So I'm just wondering about some more specific opinion. . .

We're both early 30s and to new honest the thing that cuts me up is that I see it as disloyal. Probably the thing I look for most in a partner is loyalty. Even more so since my ex really badly betrayed me. I even explained that to my girl once when we were in a club and ahead was dancing. A guy kinda went over to her to dance with her and she didn't do anything. But I kinda felt she should have moved away at least afyer a minute, or told him she wasn't interested. They did nothing bad, but he was getting bolder by the minute and they were holding hands like above their heads dancing by the time she caught my eye and saw me having a face like thunder ....

That night I told her. I wasn't angry but that I personally don't like to see that sort of thing. Because to me it says she is leaving it to me to cone over and put a stop to it if it goes further than i like . Which potentially puts me in physical danger.

Ive never been really jealous. Never stopped her doing things or grilled about anything.

[solarion]

You're both in your 30s really? Sounds like a bunch of ridiculous drama you'd read about with early 20 something couples. She's a sneak and a liar and you're still married. End it, get a divorce, and find someone without boundary issues.

[idorea]

year i agree with the above poster.. get a divorce and end it with her... she needs to know commitments like this needs a lot of loyality to thrive.. she needs to know that you never make your man jealous!

[melancholia]

Did you guys miss the point in the original post, where the OP said he is in the process of finalizing a divorce? He can't do much more than wait for his estranged wife to sign the papers.

OP: Your girlfriend may not have done anything to really cross the line with other guys, but it's clear that she is displaying behavior that is inappropriate and disrespectful to you and your relationship. I'm assuming you have discussed exclusivity with her, and clearly what she is doing is upsetting you. You need to talk to her about this. You could try bringing it up with her at a time when you're both relaxed and calm, use non-confrontational language and use "I feel" statements. She needs to know how you feel about this, or she will never change her behavior. In fact, even if you explain your feelings, she still may not change her behavior. But at that point it will be up to you to decide whether you can carry on with this relationship.

It's clear that your girlfriend is seeking attention from these guys, so I'm wondering if you have reached a point of complacency in your relationship. It doesn't sound like she's physically cheated on you, but the fact that she is sending racy photos of herself and flirting heavily with strangers, leads me to believe that she feels something is missing from your relationship.

I think you need to talk to your girlfriend about this and see where her head is at. If you try and can't get anywhere with her, then I think you need to consider re-evaluating the relationship so you can figure out whether it's worth your time, or if you're better off to move on and eventually find someone else.

[solarion]

Did you guys miss the point in the original post, where the OP said he is in the process of finalizing a divorce? He can't do much more than wait for his estranged wife to sign the papers.

I didn't miss it at all, I tend to read very carefully before posting.

Also, we both have a child with a ex partner. However on paper I am still married. This is partly due to my ex dragging her feet with the divorce initially for no other reason than to annoy me. Bit more lately due to the cost involved.

At best it sounds like excuse production. At worst it sounds like a pile of cow sh1t. I haven't studied divorce rituals in the UK, but here in the states it's now about as difficult to break your lifelong wedding vows as it is to get a wart removed. People that make excuses for remaining married while complaining about their girlfriends tend to be full of crap...a lot.

[melancholia]

At best it sounds like excuse production. At worst it sounds like a pile of cow sh1t. I haven't studied divorce rituals in the UK, but here in the states it's now about as difficult to break your lifelong wedding vows as it is to get a wart removed. People that make excuses for remaining married while complaining about their girlfriends tend to be full of crap...a lot.

I don't think divorce is always so black and white. It can be complicated, depending on financial ties, and the fact that they have children. I'm no more of an expert on divorce in the UK than you are, but I don't think it's always as breezy as you claim.

Having said that, I do agree that the OP shouldn't have entered into a relationship until the divorce was final. However, he is already in a relationship, so that point is moot. I don't think it's fair of the girlfriend to use the fact that he is still legally married against him - in the OP's example where she said she had a BF but he's still married and has a kid - that point was negative and she entered into this relationship knowing full well what the OP's marital status was, so I think that was pretty rude. All of the girlfriend's actions seem pretty rude, and I wouldn't be okay with my boyfriend sending messages like that to other women, so I think it's perfectly understandable for the OP to be upset by it. I don't think the OP comes across as overly jealous or demanding, although we don't know him in real life, so you never know. I mean there's cute jealous, and then there' Othello, right? (lol). Anyway, I still think the OP should attempt to discuss this with his girlfriend again. Let her know his expectations and his feelings, and maybe they'll get somewhere.

[solarion]

I don't think it's always breezy, but the UK has the 2nd highest divorce rate in the world after the US according to this:

[url=http://top10for.com/top-10-countries-highest-divorce-rate-2014/]Top 10 Countries with Highest Divorce Rate in 2014[/url]

I doubt it's all that difficult for someone who's actively working at it. "Bit more lately due to the cost involved." ...must sound awesome to someone silly enough to get involved with the OP or anyone else that's still married "on paper".

[melancholia]

I doubt it's all that difficult for someone who's actively working at it. "Bit more lately due to the cost involved." ...must sound awesome to someone silly enough to get involved with the OP or anyone else that's still married "on paper".

If one person wants a divorce and the other wants to delay it, it can really make it challenging to follow through with finalization. However, we are now stepping away from the point of this thread, which is that the OP is having difficulty dealing with his girlfriend's behavior. Sure, he should have waited until his divorce was final to get involved with another woman, but he didn't. So he's at the point now where he's asking for advice, and I don't think our debate about the level of difficulty for divorce is really helpful at all.

[Wakeup]

Op: Your girlfriend is an attention whore that posts provocative photos of herself for all to see and comment on. Seems she likes the attention and it may be very likely that she is addicted to getting her self-worth through her attention whoring rather then by more conventional and TRUE self-esteem builders like setting goals and actually accomplishing something with her life.

Funny how a guy commenting on one's tits is so rewarding for some women... Doesn't take much to get a guy to comment though so I'm wondering where the "thrill" plays into it?

You're with the wrong girl Op. I think you're incompatible in personal boundaries and definitely in relationship boundaries and since she's not going to change her ways (as witnessed by her continued behaviour after you've asked her to stop) and you're smart enough to not want to change a very fundamental relationship boundary that most serious couples have in place...

Her behaviour is a blaring red flag and sooner, rather then later she is going to play with this fire she likes so much until she is talked into meeting a shirtless sporter of da bone and get bizzy or she will end up having an emotional affair with the back-and-forths to the point that she is going think that old standard bullshit line: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

I agree with those that have advised you to dump her and finalize your divorce so that no one else has the excuse to say to another man: "Yes, I have a boyfriend but he's still married and has a family." What a C-thing to say.... she's a player. You deserve better.

Now, that being said... I'll give you advise if you're naïve enough to think she'll change to match your boundaries: Give her the opportunity to remedy this mess: Tell her what you want her to stop doing, tell her what behaviour is disrespectful to you, her boyfriend, and explain the women that value the man they are in a serious, committed relationship with wouldn't want to disrespect or devalue their partner like that. Tell her that she is demeaning the term "Significant" in "Significant Other" when she flirts like that. Then see how much she values you or could care less about you by her response. I think you'll know exactly what you need to do after that conversation.

[TheEvilJester]

I think everybody else did a great job of summing up exactly the same thoughts I have, so surprisingly I don't need one of my normal novel sized responses. LOL! Everybody else pretty much said it already.

I will just add that I agree with the general consensus here. I fully understand and agree with the way you feel. That is, unless you two are only just dating and not yet officially exclusive.... but the fact that you have been together a year and she refers to you as her boyfriend tells me that is, or at least should be exclusive.

So, if that is the case then, in my opinion, everything she is doing is wrong. Not only that, but I can't even see how she thinks it is in the least bit okay. She could claim all the bull crap she wants like she isn't feeling fulfilled by your relationship, or she is frustrated that you have been together a year, but your divorce is still not final..... Even if true, none of that makes her actions okay in the slightest. If she has a problem with your relationship, she should either talk to you about it or end it. To be flirting with other guys, in my personal opinion, is unacceptable and would be a final straw for me.

I wish I could offer a more optimistic opinion. Maybe you don't want to end the relationship, you'd rather it worked out. That is your decision. All I can say is, my personal opinion would be to end it. Honestly, this isn't a conversation you should even have to have in the first place..... but you gave her the chance to correct it, and instead she carelessly continued to do whatever the Hell she wanted anyway. I don't personally think she deserves another chance.

Though, if you feel differently, I think Wakeup summed up the conversation to have pretty nicely, as did melancholia. Just have a civilized, non-argumentative conversation where you explain how these actions make you feel and why you would appreciate them ceasing. Her reaction to that, and her actions after will tell you all you need to know. Good luck to you.

EDIT: Believe it or not, yes, that was relatively short for me. LOL!