Major crisis... help?

[Dream_of_Waves]

Hello!

I am in need of immediate advice. My boyfriend of three years has recently informed me that he doesn't want to have a child until he is in his late 30s. The two of us are currently in our late 20s.

I know that I should have made myself aware of this from the get-go, but unfortunately he was never willing to give me an appropriate answer when asked where he pictures the two of us in 'so many years'... which caused much difficulty for me to understand/comprehend; for an exceptionally long time I have felt very awkward/confused as to where I stand in his life, which, as a result, has led to several heated arguments.

Due to health related reasons, I would like to have a child by the time I am 30/31 (3 years from now)... unfortunately my boyfriend is very uncomfortable with that prospect. So much so that he would rather walk away from the relationship altogether.

I am absolutely devastated (beyond belief) as I believed this man to be my soul mate, and am only now coming to understand what he wants from me.

I cannot for the life of me imagine walking through life without him/supporting him. I am at a complete loss as to how to best deal with this? I have cried a great many tears over the past 12 months (mostly due to my failing to understand my boyfriend's vision for our future), so at this point I'm just desperate for guidance!

Thank you so very much in advance.

Dream_of_Waves

[TheEvilJester]

I do wish I could offer more optimistic advice, but this is not necessarily a minor little topic that could easily be ignored. If you two have very differing ideas of your future plans, and neither of you is likely to bend, then how exactly is that supposed to work? If you two could agree to a common middle-ground that you both can accept, that would be different. However, if one of you is forced to compromise in a way with which you are not really comfortable, that is most likely a recipe for disaster. You should NEVER force somebody to have children before they are ready.... yet at the same time, you shouldn't be forced to wait longer than you feel comfortable waiting.

So, unfortunately, if you two are unlikely to budge then I am not so sure he is your "soulmate." I am really sorry at how that sounds. I don't mean it to sound harsh. Believe me, though. I know from experience. At least in your case there was never intentional deceit (at least I don't get that impression). You just never really had the conversation as seriously as perhaps you should have.

All of that said, if there WAS some compromise you could both agree to, that would be a whole different story. It doesn't sound to me like that is the case, because you said your fella is "very uncomfortable" with the timeline you had in mind. That doesn't sound to me like somewhere where he sees wiggle room.

Believe me, I hope I am wrong. I hope you two can come to a solution that you both like. I am definitely not saying you give up right away. At least keep talking it out. It's just, in the end, if you two cannot meet in the middle somehow, then it would be best just to move on. There really is no beneficial ending to turning it into a huge argument, or in one of you forcing the other to go along with their plan.

Good luck to you. I sincerely do hope it works out. I hope that you do find your true soulmate and perfect match very soon, whether it turns out that it is him or not.

[Wakeup]

How can someone who has made you cry often during your union because he failed to give you proper answer as to where you stood be your "soul mate?"

If there is such a thing as a "soul mate" then I'd think you'd both be on the same page when it came to "knowing where you stood" and when you'd get married/live together and when you'd have a baby and how many you would like to have.

This guy has you sewed up so tight to him that he doesn't have to budge from his way or the highway stance because he knows no matter what he 'dictates' you're not going anywhere.

Leave him now and try to find someone on the same time line as you or wait it out and hope you're still together when he finally takes off the rubber.

I'm sorry you're disappointed but what else you gonna do? You can't force him to do something he's not wanting to do and they're isn't anything any of us could say/advise that you could use nor would we even be able to convince him if you should put him on your thread.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed. Let me add that I don't think any "soulmate" would be causing heated arguments as result of being unwilling to commit to where they see the two of you in X years. It's not like that is an unfair question when you've been in a serious relationship for a reasonable amount of time. After three years, he should certainly be able to give you some idea. I mean, if you had been together a month and you were suddenly bugging him about where he sees the relationship going, I could understand him being uncomfortable with that.

You've been together three years. If after three years he can't have a serious conversation with you about it without it turning into an argument, then how exactly is that supposed to make you feel confident about any kind of future with him? Don't get me wrong, it's not like it automatically means he'll never grow up and settle down. Still, exactly how long do you want to wait around hoping they he will finally settle down?

As I said before, talk it with him if you can, and avoid it turning into an argument if you can. In the end, if he's unwilling to work with you to set a plan that works for you both, or he just degenerates the conversation into an argument again, then maybe he's not the guy for you after all. You're ready to settle down, which you should do with a man, not a boy.