A cautious courtship

[charlesf]

I'm 36. I've never had a true girlfriend, owing to me being totally weighed down by manic-depressive disorder until perhaps two years ago. I hated myself. I was a mess. A relationship was entirely out of the question.

Having gotten my act together with professional help and yearning for a relationship, I - with quite a bit of nudging from my therapist - went to a singles party. One woman blew me away with her presence, her aura, her sparkling eyes. I almost couldn't take it in. I only spoke perhaps a quarter of an hour with her before being engaged in conversation with other women. I didn't ask her for her number as I couldn't fathom that she'd be interested in me. Yep, I have low self-esteem issues...

Yet a couple of days after the party she contacted me via the party organisers. I couldn't believe my good fortune.

Last December, during our second date, I mustered all my courage and took her hand. A big step for me. We walked hand-in-hand for a short while, stopped, I let go. She didn't take my hand thereafter. We said our farewells soon after, me feeling quite rejected. I then emailed her expressing my concern that I might have offended her sensibilities. She responded that she - I think the English term would be - blindsided. Indeed a plain rejection.

We however continued seeing each other every weekend. Though I was close to despairing of the whole thing. I very much valued our long talks, but I was fearful of being friendzoned.

Only later in February I took advantage of ice-skating to once again take her hand (and have been holding hands ever since). I guess that did it for me. In the days thereafter I fell in love. I avowed my love to her on Valentine's Day. She responded that she liked me, but it was complicated, that she had issues to yet resolve. Later she suggested we might help another resolve our respective issues.

A month of so later I felt a kiss was in the air, but chickened out. Next date I wanted to make up for that. At a scenic point we had reached on our walk, I suddenly went for it. She made alarmed noises and I backed off. We still were holding hands and I think she pressed mine a little more following this aborted "kiss". We talked later at dinner about our relationship. She said she needed more time.

She has also said that she didn't have the same feelings for me as the ones I have for her. At a later point she also told me that she was as yet unsure about a lot of matters. That she'd like things - implied I think for the time being - to remain as they are.

As they are. Holding hands. More than simple friendship. Yet for the time being not more.

I can wait. She's right for me. I'm not in a hurry.

At the same time I want to give expression to the feelings I have for her. I do hold back however on account of not wanting to pressure her. I probably overthink this question...

She's a very cautious person as I've been able to observe. I dare she'd have to be 100% sure a true relationship was the way to go before committing to such a course. We're both devout Catholics and I believe we both are looking for a husband/wife.

As I indicated at the top of this post I am almost entirely inexperienced when it comes to these matters. That begs the question whether I'm simply grasping the first opportunity that presented itself. A fair question, but I do think the two of us are thoroughly compatible. We respect another, communicate well and have much the same values, I believe. I've been attracted to her in a special way from day one.

The big question is: Is their a future for us together? I blow hot and cold on the issue. So I'd appreciate your perspective.

Do you know of such extended, hm, courtships? Can this work? And what ought I do?

Obviously I cannot indefinitely live with a relationship falling short of a true relationship. But I'm by no means at that point. I'm in love and cherish every moment I have with her. These past six months have been a blessing to me.