Mixed signals?

[cfender]

So I'm a bit confused about a current dating situation and I was hoping to hear some opinions from people who are uninvolved and can give an outside perspective!

I've been dating a guy for 2 months now, really nice guy, we met through a mutual friend and have been spending time together since. He's very attentive, messaging me a lot, taking me on dates, cooking for me, and pays close attention to the things I say and takes an interest. He has expressed to me that he really likes me, and most recently took a long weekend off from work to spend with me too. All of these signs lead me to believe that we were heading for the official relationship route. It's been 2 months, I've spent every weekend with him, and later on have met him during the week also. He's introduced me to some of his close friends, and vice versa. And he himself has told me he hasn't liked anyone this much in a long time, which is encouraging.

So I decided to bring up the 'Where is this going??' conversation. And he clammed up. I mean he made it pretty clear that he wasn't 'there' yet. It confused me, because up until this point he's been very warm and seemed genuinely into it, but after I brought this up it was almost like flicking a switch. He said he didn't feel we knew each other very well, and a relationship involves me knowing where he is all the time, and also bringing family into it. To be honest, it all sounded like little boy excuses to me. He said he didn't want a girlfriend when he met me and now he's not sure what to do. I should add, he is a bit younger than me. He is 24 and I am 27. I know that he's active on the dating scene and has seen a lot of women in the past because he's told me, but has assured me that since we have been dating he has only been out with me while we've been getting to know each other. I get the impression that he feels like being in a relationship may be taking something from him. He said he didn't want to stop seeing me, and that he would like to progress, but that at the moment he feels unsure about the relationship as its pressure and too soon..

Now i have been in this situation before, and i let it go on for quite a few more months and of course it ended in the 'I'm just not that into it' speech from the guy. I don't want that to happen again with this guy. I really like him, but does it just sound like I'm being taken for a ride here? I mean he's been so great up until this conversation, it really threw me to be honest.

Also, he has only been in one long term relationship before, at university when he was 20-22. I think it was first love and it didn't end well, she essentially left him and he later found out she'd been serial cheating on him. He has brought her up quite a bit, always negatively, I'm not sure if he's not over it or if it's just given him a negative perspective on relationships! Anyway he has dated around since but not met anyone he really likes, until me (apparently!).

Any views and advice would be greatly appreciated! I can't figure out what to make of this. Does it sound like he is into me, or not really? And if we do end up in a relationship, is it likely that he's going to have one eye on the exit? I'm not sure if I'm overthinking it or not!! Thanks!!

[richiro]

well to be honest.. both sides are right and wrong at the same time.

firstly.. he is "right" in that it's far too soon (2 mos) to know "where this is going"? way too early. that's a far too open-ended question as well and not fair. As you asking about marriage? living together? bcomign intimate? or just being exclusive or thinking this may be exlusive "someday"? It's a very unfair question that females insist on asking and don't realize it's way unfair. I mean really.. can you truly expect after 2 months that somebody shoudl answer "i see us getting married someday"? no way! nor should ANYBODY KNOW after 2 mos where "something is giogn". So let's start first - the question was WRONG and unfiar.

A more fair question is: "i really like you and like how things are developing together... i can see myself wanting to focus only on you.. and at some point being exclusive" That's far more specific and "fair" at the 2 mos mark - how you're feeling, whether you like how its going or not, and that you have no qualms about seeing you two as focusing/exclusive. (2 months is probaly a bit TOO soon to be exclusive to be honest).

He is also "wrong" though ingiving all the signs of this being something more and then coming back saying "he's not even looking for a relationsihp/girlfriend" even. Well.. then why are you introducting family? Why did you not make that clear at the get go before you started spending every weekend, extended weekends, and thensome together. The only way he is "right" on that one is if the session have been very light-hearted and unromantic with NO hints of romance the entire time. Still.. when you spend that much time together it should be pointed out if one is not looking for antyhing serious, if ou're going to act as if you are serious. so in that way he is wrong.

So what does this all mean? what should you do?
1. He has stated explicitly that he isn't looking for anything serious. Take him at his word on it. Always take men at their word on it b/c we are very direct and logical. We don't "hint" around anything and we don't say anythnig we dont' actually mean.
2. Dial it back on your side and decide if you are okay with this being just a casual fun thing with nothing develipng - or if you can't. I thnk what you do about that is pretty obvious once you decide on it.

There is no deciding "yeah i'm okay with it" with the notino "maybe he'll change his mind" NO. Either you are okay with it as is, or you are not - then decide accordingly.

Good luck.