Grilfriend has been messaging her ex and hiding it with bad messages, please help!

[robneedsadvice]

I really don't know what to do.

I noticed my girlfriend gets these FB messenger texts come up now and again on her phone and she will never open them in front of me. From a few different boys etc but thats fine, I trusted her etc. However one was from an ex that now lives in scotland and they were really good friends before dating dated then he moved away. i asked her about this and she said it was nothing etc but lately she has been acting differently and being a bit secretive so her fb was open on my laptop whilst she had a shower and i though F*ck it ill have a little look just to settle my thoughts so I dont need to worry about it.

Turns out there are loads of messages to and fro from this ex, some of them quite explicit about when they were together in the past, mainly from him but she has made no effort to make him stop these messages, one was a very detailed message he sent her about a dream he had had about doing stuff to her etc.

I then kinda brought it up when she came back by saying I've noticed messages come up on your phone etc which is worrying as theyre from your ex etc and you never open in front of me she said they're just friends etc etc so i leave to go home as she had work soon so I go home and go back on her account to screenshot these messages if need be for evidence and now they are all gone.

She must of realised i was on to her and now she has deleted all the messages between them.

Please, my head is all over the place, what do I do !!!

I love her..

[Rachel_]

If they were friends, maybe they were indeed harmless, and just sort of catching up... The more explicit ones may be his way of saying he wants to get back but if she hasn't replied of something of sorts maybe it is nothing.
Nevertheless, the best thing you can do, is be honest with her. Have a calm conversation about how it bothers you, and how you would like it to stop. The best thing you can do is always talk it out, otherwise it's gonna haunt your relationship!

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with Rachel. It could be 100% innocent on her side.... but if it bothers you, it's not going to stop bothering you if you just ignore it. So, you should talk to her..... however, I would first suggest a few things. First, don't do it at a time when your emotions are heightened such as after you've just seen her get a text from him. Wait until you've calmed down about it and can speak to her about it calmly.

Also, I would suggest approaching it as though part of you thinks maybe you are overreacting, and that you trust her, but that you can't help that it still bothers you and you'd appreciate it if she could help by agreeing to whatever boundaries make you happy while still also feeling okay to her as well. In other words, maybe something like "I know maybe it's silly that it bothers me, especially because I trust you, so it isn't about that.... but I can't help that it still bothers me. I'd feel better about it if <insert what feels reasonable to you here>...." You shouldn't give her any kind of "it's him or me" type of ultimatum. Frankly, she doesn't deserve the power to make that decision. You lay out what is reasonable to you, if she cannot agree to it, and you do not feel okay with the situation, then it is YOUR decision whether or not to stay with her or end it.

Good luck to you either way. Hopefully it goes well. This guy is her ex, so in my personal opinion they really shouldn't be in touch at all if one/both of them are in a relationship now. However, if she wants to still be friends with him, that is up to her. It is also up to you whether or not you can be okay with that, and up to her whether or not she's willing to find a reasonable middle ground that keeps you both happy.

[richiro]

one.. you see how snooping NEVER settles your mind better... ok? got it? get it? NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! If anything you just pushed her towards him by doing that!
two.. you saw yourself it is HIS doing and not hers. She's trying to shut it down. So she's not doing anything inappropriate. they have a past, are friends.. they are allowed - just as long as she doens't engage back and/or give him anything to engage back on and cross that line.
three.. its okay to say it "bothers you" and that "her secretiveness" contributes to that. you are human. you trust her. but if she acts like she's hiding something then the only thing you can assume is she is hiding something... and you don't want either of you to hie anything so you can trust eah other for the sake of the relationship.

then.. trust her.
or decide you can't trust her and leave.
that's it.

in the end we can never control or change anybody else. we can only control and choose what we do about what they do.
that's all there is to it.

good luck on your decision.