Frustrated and need help with boyfriend

[Miss Aphrodite]

This is a little long, so please bear with me, as I really need help. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years now. He is a genuinely nice guy and I know he loves me, but his actions have been making me feel more and more neglected. As of lately, things have gotten a bit boring in our relationship, to be honest. About 99.9% of the time we spend together is spent at his house, just hanging around, and it is usually always me that has to initiate plans. He rarely, if ever, asks me himself to hang out or go out and do something. This makes me feel like he doesn't really want to hang out with me, but instead is just agreeing when I ask because he feels obligated. The times we actually go out and do things have dwindled to practically nil, which has really begun to bother me. I'm not the type of girl that is very high maintenance or thinks they have to go out all the time, just every once in a while would be nice. I have talked to him about this a couple of times directly and have hinted about it quite a few and so far, nothing has changed.

He always tells me he is short on money, which is true most of the time. He suggests occasionally that we should go out when he gets paid and always says he wishes he had more money to take me out. Although, when he does actually have money, it never happens. For example: yesterday, he and I had plans to go to the movies (for the first time in nearly a year, I might add) and he picked the latest showtime to go and see. We were originally to go out and eat before the movie, but ended up going to his house and ordering in, per his suggestion. Closer to time for the movie to start, he tells me that he needs new e juice and that we should go pick some up and look at a new grinder for me instead of going to the movies. I say okay, as it doesn't matter to me what we do as long as we're doing something different. Eight o clock rolls around and I tell him we should head out, or the store will be closing soon. He replies that it's already late and that he doesn't know if he wants me to go with him grinder shopping, as he wants it to be a surprise. Eventually, it's the end of the night and we've done nothing but hang around his house, again.

As I briefly mentioned before, I've talked to him about this a couple times. I've made it clear to him that we don't have to do things that require money or a lot of it, it would just be nice to do something different every once and a while. I've suggested that we could go to the park, have a picnic, go for a drive, play videogames together, or even just put blankets in the bed of his truck and lay under the stars. Regardless, it seems like there is always some sort of excuse and we end up doing the same thing.

I have also talked to him about taking the initiative to ask me to do things and to hang out, as I'm always the one to do it. If I don't ask, we usually won't hang out. The part that bothers me the most about this is that he will take initiative and ask his friends to hang out, but he doesn't with me. Whenever he does go out and do something, whether it be an errand or shopping for something, etc. he will usually take one of his friends instead. This makes me really sad and makes me feel like not as much of a priority. I've made little suggestions here and there about it like, "We should do something like that sometime," or, "I'd like it if you'd do something like that with me sometime." (Nothing negative or pushy.) I have no problem whatsoever with him hanging out with his friends, as I feel it's important for him to have guy time, so that isn't an issue. He tells me that he enjoys my company, always loves seeing me, and that I'm the most important thing in the world to him. Although, in that case, I don't see why he can't take the initiative for me.

I am beginning to get increasingly frustrated and tired of feeling disappointed. I have actually stopped doing a lot of the really romantic gestures for him, because I felt like they were taken for granted and he never reciprocated. I certainly don't expect anything in return for nice gestures, but relationships should be equal give and take. I don't want to give up on him, as he really is a good guy and loves me. He texts me every day, all throughout the day and I always have a good morning message to wake up to. He is usually always interested to know how I am/what I'm up to and will ask me accordingly and how my day has been. If I'm going through something or having a rough time, he's pretty much always there for me. We've been through a lot together (emphasis on a lot) and I've seen him break down on several occasions just at the thought of losing me. (Not due to threatening or implying to leave on my part, to clarify.) He's made it clear to me he wants to marry me one day and spend his life with me. So it isn't all bad, before anyone concludes that. However, there is only so much excuses and disappointment one person can take. I just don't know how to go about dealing with the aforementioned issues. I want to work this out with him in any way possible, if I can. Any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[Hooo!]

You can talk about initiation. That you have tried to no success repeatedly.
So I give you a general bit of advice.
You generally have some options

Love it
Change it
Leave it

You can decide to change yourself too or the thing. You can decide to change your expectations and what you love. You can learn to love what you did t love before. Or you can choose not to
Or you can leave the situation

It is your call
What do you want?

[TheEvilJester]

I think Hooo sums it rather well. Don't get me wrong. I am not implying you are wrong to wish he's initiate plans more often. I don't think that is what Hooo is saying either. Frankly, I agree with you. You shouldn't ALWAYS be the one having to make plans first.

HOWEVER.... it's possible that is just how he is. Some people are kind of home-bodies, so to speak. If left completely alone, they may never leave the house. So, maybe he's perfectly happy just to hang out around his place and never do anything.

If that IS the case, it is possible he's still willing to work with you on this.... or it could be possible it is just too much to ask for him. So, as Hooo illustrates, it is really up to you and him to talk about it and decide if you two can come to an arrangement that works for you both, or if maybe this is one way in which you two are just different. Though this may SEEM like a small thing on the surface.... it MAY be just a small thing after all, but it also may not. If you two just do not match in this way, that IS one of those things that can become a much bigger problem in the long run.

The truth is, there's nothing wrong with you for wanting to go out sometimes, nor is there anything wrong with you for wanting him to be the one to suggest it first sometimes. But.... by the same token there is nothing wrong with him if he'd much rather just stay home. ....What would be wrong would be for either of you to force your ways on the other if they aren't happy with that. So, you basically need to figure out if you two can find a happy medium that works for you both, or if you'd be better off just to part ways.

Good luck to you!

[melancholia]

You sound like a great girlfriend and it definitely sounds like you love your boyfriend and you are happy with the relationship in general, but this is clearly becoming a problem for you and you want to fix it before it becomes irreparable. On one hand, I would say you need to talk to your boyfriend about this, but you've already tried that multiple times and it hasn't gotten through to him. You mentioned that you've tried different ways to communicate your frustration with him and his lack of initiative in making plans with you, and also different solutions and none of them have come to fruition. I think at this point you need to be much more firm with him. Let him know how much this bothers you and that it's forcing you to re-evaluate the relationship. I'm not saying you should issue him an ultimatum, but I am not certain he understands the gravity of the situation and how deep your feelings are about this. He needs to know exactly what you are thinking and feeling, and that his lack of effort is making you pull away and you're beginning to resent him. If you are dedicated to the relationship and you want it to work, you are going to have to have these difficult conversations, on more than one occasion.

If you are truly tired of always taking initiative to make plans and they always fall through, maybe it's time to stop doing that. It's like when you live with roommates and you're always the one cleaning the dishes and you become resentful of everyone else in the house because they never do it... but you always suck it up and do it anyway.... at some point you have to learn to start taking a backseat and stop taking initiative as often as you do, and maybe that will work. But I don't think anything will work as well as communicating exactly how you feel and letting your boyfriend know how serious this issue has become for you. Be as honest as you can. Lay it out exactly as you have here in this forum and then listen to what he has to say and go from there.