cant handle my ex & new girlfriend

[brittany]

My ex started seeing someone else just under three months after we split (we've been split for 7 months) up and I am still pretty upset about it. Shes from his office and when we went to his office xmas party they were flirting but I thought nothing of it. Now im really worrried that our relationship meant nothing to him as he got with this other girl. But what upsets me the most is his lack of effort to be friends with me, we were friends for 5 years and it doesnt seem like he gives a shit anymore. We have spent time at the same social events as we have some of the same friends but hes all over this new girl in front of me and I find it really insensitive. I really want to ask him if our relationship meant anything to him and if he really did care about me but hes really emotionally reppressd and I dont know if it would help. I feel like I need to hear from him that he did care about me and he cares about me as a friend to fully move on.I dont want him back or anything I just need to know.

I want to be happy for them but instead I feel bitterness and resentment which I really hate about myself. I'm seeing someone casually and I really want to rub my ex's face in it and hurt him which is a side to myself I never new I had. I thought I was a nice person. I reckon it would bother him cos I was friends with this new guy when we were together. You probably think im a ***** but i'm just being honest about my feelings and I hate myself for feeling this way. This new guy i'm with knows all this and we are just having a bit of fun so he is not getting hurt. Sorry this is so long. Anyone know the best way to get over this?

[shh!]

Revenge fantasies are very normal, so don't beat yourself up over them. I would try to avoid the social events that you know he is attending. They are like rubbing salt into the wound. The rest just takes time. Chin up - this, too, will pass.

[brittany]

I dont want to avoid the social events he is at because that will mean not seeing my friends and staying in by myself on a saturday night and that will only make me resent him more. If I am around them at least I might get used to them being together?

[Tone]

I once saw a painting that said:

"Friends turn to lovers, always

Lovers turn to friends, never"

[Lloyd95]

I say just try to ignore it and it will pass. If you play the revenge game, you're going to come off acting very petty, which is sometime a typical girl move. Rise above it.

You got closure on your past relationship right? If you didn't get proper closure, then yes, you may need to talk to him. but sounds as if you did.

Oh, and never date anyone you work with; rarely does that turn out well, and I speak from experience.

[Tone]

Oh, and never date anyone you work with; rarely does that turn out well, and I speak from experience.

Ooooh so did you try to hit it off with Andy (Kerri Green) backstage?!

[Lloyd95]

Ooooh so did you try to hit it off with Andy (Kerri Green) backstage?!

Maggie from "Lucus"? Yeah, she's a hottie

[Tone]

Yeah Andy was a big crybaby... she wasn't really a Goonie at heart - you could tell...

[Mish]

Hehe, don't know of a better way to spoil a good friendship than coming out of an unsuccessful relationship.

The reality of it is such that while you are in a relationship there are ground rules that both parties should abide by (These will vary between couples), once the relationship is over then all bets are off. The other person has no obligation to reserve him/herself for some period of time before seeing other people. Hence, in my opinion one should stay in the relationship until the very end until one is fully certain there will never be a future with this person before moving on.

In your situation, it is not clear who initiated the break up.

* If the break up was initiated by you, then you really should not have ended the relationship while you still had feelings for him, but rather tried to work things out and only after everything failed break up (In this instance both parties would know that relationship is not repairable and move on with no strings attached).

* If the break up was initiated by him, then please accept my sympathy. He obviously does not care for you or did not care enough for you to try to save the relationship until the very end in the first place (When it would become obvious to both that it just never going to work) and hence he does not care for you at this stage as well.

At present my advice for you would be to let go. He has found someone else to replace you. At this stage that chapter of you and him is over.

Your new friend, do you have any feelings for him or are you planning to use him just to get back at your ex? If the first, please stop mentioning your ex to him and start building a new relationship (Learn from your past mistakes and work on this relationship this time to make it stronger). If the second, then the history will repeat itself and you will loose another friend.

Don't worry about your ex. He is obviously following all bets are off rule and you should do as well. Try to forget about him and move on. Okay, easiest way to forget about somebody to me would be to collect all the negative events inside my mind that caused the break up in the first place into a collage and observe them each time i miss that person. Works for me like a charm lol.

Well, think some may disagree with the above, but it's my 2 cents worth anyway

Respect...

[bluesummer]

Ah, Brittanny, I was literally in the exact same situation as you. I dated a guy for five years, and he started dating this chick he worked with only three months after we broke up (a girl I always noticed 'hanging around' him if I was at a distance), and then he made no attempt to stay friends with me afterward either.

I know how you're feeling and it's totally normal. We were both good people and our breakup was mutual, but when I found out he was seeing someone else I was livid...and hurt. I didn't get over it for like two years, even when I was seeing someone else. I used to try and hurt him by rubbing my bf in his face.

The bottom line is, if we could fast forward through all the crap and just come to the conclusion we eventually get to, it would be this: It's not worth the time or energy to think about this guy at all. Who cares what he thinks of you or feels for you now, it's not important or relevant to the rest of your life. Realize you will never get the 'closure' you are looking for. Also realize how much time you're wasting thinking about your ex and this whole situation, and all of that time is better spent looking for the one you're meant to be with. My best suggestion to you is to cut off all contact (even at 'social events') for good, or until you know you are over this completely. Trust me, it's the only way.

[Junket]

I once saw a painting that said:

"Friends turn to lovers, always

Lovers turn to friends, never"

Heh.

I like that quote.

[brittany]

Thanks bluesummer thats really good advice. Maybe I should cut off contact but im not going to because I want to be around my other friends. And Mishanya it was a mutual breakup but I dont agree that you shouldnt split up if there are still feelings because we really did try we didnt just swiftly decide to break up and I think most people still have feelings for each other when they come out of a relationship. As for this new guy i'm not using him to get back at my ex I wouldn't do that. Its just that now that im with him its tempting to rub my ex's face in it cos hes allways all over his new girlfriend in front of me. Anyway im not going to do that cos I know its petty and pointless. We are just having fun together no strings attached. Maybe its naive but I still think my ex and I will be good friends one day because we've been friends for too long just to throw that all away.

[Mish]

Hi brittany

"Mishanya it was a mutual breakup but I dont agree that you shouldnt split up if there are still feelings because we really did try we didnt just swiftly decide to break up and I think most people still have feelings for each other when they come out of a relationship."

I suggest you find a way of letting go of your feelings for him or burying them somewhere deep inside of you until they are dead and gone. Until that happens the "Partner" phase of your relationship with him will not be over. You must be able to go back to the phase when you saw this man as your friend and you will not be able to do that with emotional baggage. If you want him back as a friend you yourself must be able to see him as a friend (thus you should be able to be okay with what your friend is doing in his love life and how quickly he is moving on).

I would follow up on the advices of other people on this forum, of not seeing this man for sometime. This is to help you to let go off your feelings for him and come back with a new view of him.

I understand that many people do have break ups while still having feelings for the other person, but the way i see it it is a recipe for disaster. I would never agree to a "mutual" breakup with a partner unless i was completely over her or knew of a way of getting over her quickly so i can move on.

Hope above helps

Respect...

[Lloyd95]

Blue-that was good advice.

[Katini]

I know this may not help much, but: Does it matter if he truly cares for you now? Anybody who is in a relationship cares about the person they're with, to some extent. If he wasn't abusive and the relationship itself was okay, then why are you dwelling on him moving on? He cared about you. But he has a life, just like you. Clearly he wasn't the right guy for you because the right guy for you wouldn't just move on to somebody that quickly.

You need to understand also that you're going to find someone too, and jsut because your healing periods were different doesn't mean they were any less thorough. When you get together with another guy, does it mean that you don't care about this ex at all? Or, you never did? If he's not wanting to be friends, why fight so hard for it?

However, fi you feel you need to, you maybe want to tell him how you're feeling about your FRIENDSHIP. Because he may not even realize how much it means to you. The ideas that have been shared about friendship to love to friendship on this board are all pretty fair and accurate in life. It sucks.

Sorry if I sound so harsh. But the fact is--unless you become a hermit, you're going to move on. His quickness to do so without you in his life does hurt. But you have to believe it's not to get back at you for anything you did. And you will move on too.