I need objective opinions!

[IndiReloaded]

Not sure what else you hope to read from us, Devi. I'm really wondering if you posted hoping to get a pat on the back for your self-sacrificing behaviour. You'll forgive us, but we tend to kick ppl with martyr syndrome in the ass b/c we know its not healthy.

We have given you honest opinions. You are the typical poster who is looking for confirmation for your decisions rather than looking at it objectively.

So sure, go to a mental health forum. There you will find lots of ppl with issues who's advice will be coloured by that background. But, if you want opinions from healthy people who do not suffer these issues, well you'll get that here.

Oh, and you might be interested to know there are several posters here who work in health/social care and have pysch background. But this is not a professional forum, so they won't share directly they are. Which is actually a GOOD thing, b/c it means you get to decide based on your own rational thinking whether something makes sense w/o the bias that a professional designation will give you. Sounds to me, frankly, you've had more than your share of professional opinion. Time to think for yourself.

He has had YEARS of counseling, therapy, and psychoanalysis, continuing to today. He's been in therapy regularly since I've known him. He has NEVER lost his temper in this way before.

Interesting. I can take this same comment and turn it completely around: yep, he's been in therapy for years. Is it working? If not, now what?

Think about it.

[misombra]

i disagree. he sounds like a great guy and you should marry him and have some children.

[IndiReloaded]

Absolutely! Then she can double or better her martyr units by caring for him AND children.

[Mish]

Should a mentally ill person be held accountable for a psychotic episode in which he damaged someone's property?

Just to answer this pivotal question for you. Yes, I believe they should be, or at least prevented from damaging someone's property again.

In your case this will likely be not possible given the description and the back story you've given. I think this episode is very repeatable and you should prepare yourself for a re-enactment if you decide to stay. I think it's obvious that no one will be able to force you to leave him, I think people's general ambition when saying that is to clarify to you how difficult things will be if you two stay together. Perhaps it's possible that the two of you will somehow work things out, but it's going to be a lot more difficult than in more normal relationships and you will have to virtually force yourself through a grinder to make through it. There's also a question mark of how much of real help you will be to him, whether you support him or act as a crutch to continue the dysfunctional behavior. If you want to stay with him, fine, just be ready for very difficult days ahead. I personally I think that it will only get worse with age.

What can you do to help him meanwhile? Try not to anger him again by doing anything that may be interpreted as promiscuous, which may enrage him again. Make him trust you, (somehow).

[Illusional]

is this the thread where i get to order some pizza?

raverboy

[Devi Ambrosia]

He doesn't hide things from me or his therapist. He is not "most men." He is better.

I simply don't agree that the relationship is codependent. It is a good relationship, and has been happy and healthy all these years. We have problems like everyone, and actually *less* problems than a lot of people.

Are you a professional? Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Counselor?

I agree that a change is needed, perhaps with his meds, and he *definitely* needs a new therapist. I need more practical advice on where to go and how to do this, which is why I moved on to a mental health forum.

[Devi Ambrosia]

I'm really wondering if you posted hoping to get a pat on the back for your self-sacrificing behaviour. You'll forgive us, but we tend to kick ppl with martyr syndrome in the ass b/c we know its not healthy.

But, if you want opinions from healthy people who do not suffer these issues, well you'll get that here.

I came here while angry and frustrated because of this drama I've been through, looking for help with a difficult situation. My initial post was written while seething with anger and resentment, and that has since dissipated. Also, we've worked this out since then. I think it sucks that everyone's knee-jerk reaction is to tell me to leave him, but if I want advice on how to *help* our relationship, I'm called a codependent martyr.

I am not a martyr, and I don't give a damn about pats on the back. I have pointed out that I am not a blameless saint. I want to help the man I love. He deserves my help, because he has been exceptionally good to me, has helped me, has made me a better person, for a very long time. We are good for each other, and this relationship has been the best thing that has ever happened to either of us. I am interested in preserving it.

What I'm getting is opinions from people who know nothing about mental illness, and have no sympathy for his condition. That also sucks. I might point out that every response I've received from the mental health forums have said things like "leaving him now might push him over the edge," and "it must be terrible for him to be going through this." On those forums, people have responded sympathetically and helpfully. Nothing like that here. Everyone just thinks I should leave him, and if I don't, I'm codependent. It is not quite that black-and-white.

[Lite]

Most men don't destroy your belongings or need anti-psychotic medication. So I guess that depends upon how you rate men in general. Do you go to every session, do you listen in to make sure he mentions the things that happened the week prior? Or, are you merely taking his word on it?

When you have two heavily damaged people in a relationship, it's usually codependent. You two are both by your own admission, heavily damaged. Your complete and utter defense of him is admirable, but misplaced as you're pretty much incapable of being objective about the situation due to your own situation.

I have absolutely nothing invested in whether you two succeed as a couple, or not. So why would I bother to write something unless I genuinely wanted to help.

I studied to be a psychologist before deciding I'd rather not deal with really broken people on a daily basis. While I still have an ongoing interest in the area, mostly I just do a lot of listening to people with serious problems. If you do it often enough what you hear is everyone is the exception to the rule according to them, and that the same patterns play out with people over and over again. That change, real change, takes pain and time to accomplish. Otherwise it's temporary. Even then, you'll relapse. The idea is that you'll relapse less and less over time via continuation of the healing process.

Pretty much you posted here asking for advice and thoughts, but anyone who posts something that you disagree with you immediately dismiss as not being the case rather than objectively thinking about it and asking additional questions. At this point your mind seems made up about a path to pursue, would you care to share what that is?

Do the research, add up the math, you'll see that there's a pretty good chance that I'm actually right. I'm just skipping over details on how I get through my thought process.

His behavior towards you, from what you've told us, is belligerent and growing violent. I'm guessing he yelled some very not-so-nice things at you during his big meltdown. Sure, he has issues that exacerbate the problem, but it's still his issue to deal with, and his choice to own up to his bad behavior and fix it or not.

It is good that you care about him, and are sticking by him. Just be careful about what you will and will not tolerate from him behavior wise. Make sure that he knows up front without reservation exactly how ****ed the situation is, and where he stands in your life.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in finding further help for you and your partner. Stay safe, and remember that in the end that the only person who can take care of you, is you. Others can support, but you're the one who has to own your life and your decisions in a deliberate manner.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Just to answer this pivotal question for you. Yes, I believe they should be, or at least prevented from damaging someone's property again.

In your case this will likely be not possible given the description and the back story you've given. I think this episode is very repeatable and you should prepare yourself for a re-enactment if you decide to stay. I think it's obvious that no one will be able to force you to leave him, I think people's general ambition when saying that is to clarify to you how difficult things will be if you two stay together. Perhaps it's possible that the two of you will somehow work things out, but it's going to be a lot more difficult than in more normal relationships and you will have to virtually force yourself through a grinder to make through it. There's also a question mark of how much of real help you will be to him, whether you support him or act as a crutch to continue the dysfunctional behavior. If you want to stay with him, fine, just be ready for very difficult days ahead. I personally I think that it will only get worse with age.

What can you do to help him meanwhile? Try not to anger him again by doing anything that may be interpreted as promiscuous, which may enrage him again. Make him trust you, (somehow).

Thank you. Thank you very much for this genuinely helpful opinion.

I think you're right that things will be more difficult for us than most. It's been difficult for about a year now. I do know that we have issues that a lot of people don't have to deal with. But, on the other hand, we have also avoided a lot of other issues that most "normal" couples *do* have to deal with.

The thing is, couples have issues. Couples fight. Relationships have drama sometimes. But, I also think most people are quick to throw in the towel when real problems come up. I can handle some difficulty for the sake of our relationship, because it's worth it.

I want to stress that the story in my original post is by no means an accurate portrayal of our entire relationship. We love and respect each other more than I ever thought was possible with someone. We communicate better than I ever thought possible with anyone. We fit together. We have extremely compatible dynamics. We have FUN together, all the time! We are good TO each other, and we are good FOR each other. Plus, we have really, really, really great sex. I am a better person for having him in my life all these years. It is worth saving.

[Lite]

What I'm getting is opinions from people who know nothing about mental illness, and have no sympathy for his condition.

Oh, and btw. I'm marrying a woman who had an abusive childhood in 2 days. She goes to therapy, takes medication for clinical depression (with occasional but lessening suicidal tendencies), and still has occasional breakdowns. However, she admits that these are her problems to deal with, is happy to have my support and input, but she takes care of herself and is fully committed to healing.

So, what you're getting is opinions from at least some people who deal with folks suffering from various mental illnesses on a daily basis. I have a partner whose moods and emotions I watch every day to help steer her away from bad places. I've had periods of my life in which I was suicidal myself. I spent a good deal amount of time, and effort to heal myself.

What I've found is that there are a lot of people who are completely unable to heal because they are incapable of holding themselves true to their word. They develop a sort of flexible moral code that only applies when it is convenient to them, and then when it becomes a roadblock they start to skew it with bad logic to justify their behaviors.

What you're getting is opinions from people who have been there, done that, and have more than one bloody t-shirt from trying to keep someone from bleeding out after they've cut themselves. I've been to 3x as many funerals as years I've been alive. Eventually you get really tired of the pompous bullshit rhetoric and platitudes that people want to hear, and start actually digging into real problems.

What we WANT is for you to be safe, and enter into these things with your eyes open about what could be coming rather than living in a world of denial because "he isn't capable of that..." When your mental state becomes fragile, so do your logic, emotions, and self control.

If you were currently seeing a therapist, or at least one worth a damn, and you mentioned this reaction of his they'd warn you too about him possibly becoming violent towards you.

[Glory Surrender]

I want to stress that the story in my original post is by no means an accurate portrayal of our entire relationship. We love and respect each other more than I ever thought was possible with someone. We communicate better than I ever thought possible with anyone. We fit together. We have extremely compatible dynamics. We have FUN together, all the time! We are good TO each other, and we are good FOR each other. Plus, we have really, really, really great sex. I am a better person for having him in my life all these years. It is worth saving.

Devi,

Let me make sure I understand the situation.

Are you saying that the "violent" episode -- I gather some inanimate objects were kicked, thrown, broken etc. -- was especially UNcharacteristic of your boyfriend's typical behavior?

Was it done in front of you, to intimidate you? I see that as a threat, abusive. Or was it more of a "blowing off steam" kind of thing? Still not okay . . . but less frightening, perhaps?

My understanding of your later posts is, he has indeed apologized, tried to make up for his behavior? Do you feel safe with him? Has he tried to be good to you since then?

You seem proud that the relationship has lasted ten years. Well, how has your life changed in the last ten years? Do you feel you're a better person? Has this relationship been good for your confidence? Your self-esteem? Your intellect? Your happiness?

Or was it just a big teeth-gritting struggle to get here?

Does he treat you with respect, most of the time?

After ten years . . . Do the two of you still talk? Is there a viable friendship here? Or are you just part of eachother's furniture?

And you are saying there is still passion in bed, yes?

Are you saying that, even in THIS particular time of trouble, there is still love and fun and happiness?

If you are answering these questions in the affirmative, then . . . GOD yes, do what you can to hold on to the relationship, and to help him be his better self! Most people do not even HAVE relationships that good! You'd be a fool to throw that all away.

But don't blame the people here for saying what they have said, because your initial posts on the subject describe a total bum of a boyfriend. A pain in the ass, a loser. Do you still stand by that first post?

If that episode was really uncharacteristic of him, maybe he's trying to call out for help, in a really ineffective and dysfunctional way.

Or, hell . . . maybe it really IS about the personal ads, after all. Some people don't know how to handle the threat of infidelity. And men are given mixed messages these days -- in public, we tell them to be sensitive and respectful . . . but in private, women reward them for acting crude, possessive and jealous. Do you want him to feel like he owns you? Do you want to own him?

Good luck, Devi. You're a gorgeous and intellectual woman, with a big, beautiful heart, so you certaintly deserve the very best luck in love.


Glory

[IndiReloaded]

Good luck Devi. I hope it works out.

Don't have kids in this environment. Children deserve to be brought up in the healthiest way possible. Neither of you have much to offer in that regard until you sort yourselves out. Otherwise, what you do as an adult is up to you. Carry on.

[Gigabitch]

Um, you smoke in the house? Gross.

Apart from suggesting that you stop keeping glass things around, I've got almost nothing for you. It doesn't sound like you're really looking for advice anyway. If you are, please clarify exactly what your question is and I'll be happy to try to help.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Yes, this episode was entirely uncharacteristic of him. And yes, it was not done anywhere near me. You're right that it's still not okay (it WAS done around my kitties . . . I'd hate to think what could have happened if any projectiles had hit one of them by mistake), but I was in no danger.

Yes, he has apologized. He seems genuinely regretful. He even came to clean up the mess. Though I'm on a higher alert for this type of behavior now, I feel pretty safe.

I am proud of the longevity of our relationship. As I've said, I do feel like I am a better person for having him in my life. He has, in fact, done WONDERS for my self-esteem. I had not much to speak of when I met him, and now I'm modeling! I think that says something. And yes, he does treat me with the highest level of respect most of the time. For the most part, being with him has been easy and fun.

Yes, we still talk . . . quite a bit. He is my best friend. There's no one else that I communicate with better than him. No one understands me like him. And OH YES, there is a LOT of passion in bed. He is a very passionate person.

This episode could have been a cry for help. It could have been about the personal ads. It was not okay, whatever the reason, but I do think he understands that now.

I have never rewarded him, directly or indirectly, for being possessive or jealous, and I never will. I greatly dislike feeling controlled.

I understand that my initial post portrayed my situation in a different light than I am currently showing. I was angry, frustrated, and I felt lost and alone. I don't really know what I hoped to gain from posting here . . . I just needed to talk about my problem, because it was a big one, I couldn't discuss it with him, and I felt I needed to get opinions on the matter from objective 3rd parties. Now, I feel silly for not going to a mental health forum to begin with. That's really the issue here.

Thank you again, Glory.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Don't have kids in this environment. Children deserve to be brought up in the healthiest way possible. Neither of you have much to offer in that regard until you sort yourselves out.

As I said in a previous post, I plan on never having children.

But, I might point out that I spent a lot of years working with children as a babysitter and teaching assistant. Kids love me, and I was praised left and right for my abilities in working with them.

But yeah . . . you're right that currently, this is not a good environment for a child. Don't worry. I don't want any.