Is it just needing the last word for me?

[Glarey]

Hi,

I've posted once before about a situation I'm in with an ex. I'd like some clarity on how I'm feeling and I think ya'll could help.

Basically, I'm to the do or die conversation with an ex. We're friends, but are still attracted to each other. We've had many conversations about how we're still very attracted to each other, and still find each other appealing. We flirt, sometimes, and we have a pretty close friendship. He's one of the few people I trust, and he knows that. Therefore, I do get his help on alot of problems I've been experiencing lately.

Problem? He tends to pull away, randomly. He says he doesn't want to get to close because we know what will happen. The problem is...I know he still loves me. I know him well enough to know what his actions mean. We were together a pretty long time. I know him about as well as I know myself.

We've been in this tennis match/power struggle for about 2 months. It's like we get to the same point EVERY time and he pulls away. It's as if he doesn't want to get comfortable in his feelings again because he scared of getting hurt.

The reason we broke up is because we were young and immature. We fought a lot, but since then both of us have had our separate lives and have grown a great deal. We both, truly, are different people. Yet, even in our differences..we still match. It's pretty cool.

Now, I've decided to do this once and for all thing. Tell him how I feel, tell him what I want and tell him that I can't just be friends. It sounds kind of bad, but it's necessary. It seems very stupid to sit here, and be friends...both of us..when we have so much history and so many feelings left. I want him in my life, sure. However, I'm pretty much just torturing myself with this. I'm sure you all understand.

I've been unable to get a hold of him since I decided to have the talk. He doesn't even know I wanted to talk about this. Part of me is like...WTFE...I don't care. I just want to be done with this. The other part of me is like...If I leave this unfinished...I won't be able to fully walk away.

What are you opinions on what I should do?

[RockNRoll]

I was one of those who suggested that once and for all talk, but if you feel like you don't care now, then don't force this talk. It looks like you got your closure already. If you don't have this talk, it will NOT mean that you left it unfinished. You CAN actually fully walk away. It could be for the best.

[damn2010]

You're being VERY mature and very adult about this situation. I commend you.

You two keep playing emotional games and can't center what you all want. So you need to settle it down to a talk and make it clear cut! Either you give a relationship ANOTHER try now that you're older and wiser. Or you stop contacting each other and just "break away" so you can explore possible romantic relationships with OTHER people. The problem is because you stay in this perpetual "confusion" with him, it prevents you from physical and emotionally experiencing OTHER romantic relationships with other people! You would go on a date and then instantly compare the guy to your old b/f and he would get jealous and start chasing you only to "pull away" again. You then would mess things up with any potential good guys who come into your life. And vice-versa.

Call him and nail him down for a talk. If you get a voicemail, tell him you need to have a serious talk about your all's "friendship" and that if he doesn't get back to you soon that you're assuming that he doesn't want to speak and that you're moving on without him and not to contact you anymore. That should get his attention and if he doesn't reply, then it's clear he's done as well. Then it's no games and NO contact. Start healing from the mess.

[xxazurexx]

I understand totally what you are going through and cuz I've been there recently and with an ex also, who was in the picture for 3 years.

I did exactly the same as you are thinking of doing. Told him about my feelings, said it was hard to be friends and that I was unable to move on and with him around. Course, he didn't like it, but I had to think of myself and what was best for me. We didn't speak for 3, nearly 4 months....and then he returns again and I caved.

So it's been back to square one and for 6 weeks, but I'm gonna let him go again and due to reasons I don't want to go into, but I feel are good enough reasons and to finally end it all. And this time around, I mean it.

So anyway, I'd suggest having this talk. It's better to let him know why are ending it, rather than just disappear.

[xxazurexx]

You're being VERY mature and very adult about this situation. I commend you.

You two keep playing emotional games and can't center what you all want. So you need to settle it down to a talk and make it clear cut! Either you give a relationship ANOTHER try now that you're older and wiser. Or you stop contacting each other and just "break away" so you can explore possible romantic relationships with OTHER people. The problem is because you stay in this perpetual "confusion" with him, it prevents you from physical and emotionally experiencing OTHER romantic relationships with other people! You would go on a date and then instantly compare the guy to your old b/f and he would get jealous and start chasing you only to "pull away" again. You then would mess things up with any potential good guys who come into your life. And vice-versa.

Call him and nail him down for a talk. If you get a voicemail, tell him you need to have a serious talk about your all's "friendship" and that if he doesn't get back to you soon that you're assuming that he doesn't want to speak and that you're moving on without him and not to contact you anymore. That should get his attention and if he doesn't reply, then it's clear he's done as well. Then it's no games and NO contact. Start healing from the mess.

Good advice.

[Glarey]

That's kind of why I wanted to push a talk. For me, I hate to just disappear. Many relationship(platonic included) have ended with just the person walking awake and me never knowing why. I don't guess I owe him anything, but it would make me feel better to have him know that I'm leaving, ya know?

I'm having a really hard time getting a hold of him. Some people would take that as a sign to walk away. And, really I want to. But, I know, for me, things will feel unfinished if I just walked away and didn't say my piece, ya know? He told me happy thanksgiving, yesterday...but today won't answer my text..asking to talk. WTF is that? GAH. Pisses me off. Anyway, I don't want it to be a MAD talk...ya know? I want it to be...this is how I feel, this is why I feel it. I'm leaving on good terms. Leaving any relationship mad, isn't a way to leave it. Because mad wears off. I just wish he would freakin' text back.

What should I do from here?

[damn2010]

You have to accept that you may not get any "last words" with him. You obviously have left the ball in his court to chat and he is avoiding you. Either because of the following:

-He KNOWS you are going to do a "break up" chat and as thus is trying to stay as far away as possible.

-He KNOWS that if he stays distant, it'll be easier for him to then "reappear" in your life and you'll fall head-over-heels and into this game again!

Take the smart road. First, ACCEPT that you want to move on, ACCEPT you will probably get nothing from him, and as thus do what I told you. Leave him a voicemail with one last offer to talk and tell him that if you don't hear back from him soon, that you'd prefer not to hear back from him AT ALL.

As thus, ACCEPT you may not hear from him or ACCEPT he might try to get in touch to play games. Move on properly and don't contact him.


Many of your previous relationships end that way because the other person knows they aren't going to get you back and they aren't interested in maintaining a "friendship" with you because of various reasons (your whole situation here is a clear example - it becomes a GAME). As thus, they just prefer to do no contact as it helps them and even YOU move on.

[Glarey]

I've only had 1 serious relationship, this guy. The other ones that ended that way were friendships.

He doesn't know I'm wanting to have this talk. The last time we talked was a very friendly, fun conversation. Then he, randomly and suddenly, started to ignore my texts. I left it alone for about a week and half and then, prompted by a friend, texted him and said hey. Still ignored me. I have no idea what I did...and that's the bitch of the situation. And, another reason I want to talk to him...to be blindly rejected is hard for me to accept...Ya know? I'm hard headed and stupid. I'll probably just be pissed for a couple more days..and then give him the call.

[damn2010]

No wonder he's ignoring your texts, you're leaving cryptic worded "Heys" and "Hi" or "How you doing?"...you're not even mentioning a big talk you need with him! Geez! We guys can't read your mind, and this guy obviously knows he's got you wrapped around his finger whenever he "needs" you...that's why it's easy for him to ignore your texts because you're predictable with them.

Blast him with the big voicemail when you're ready then.

[Glarey]

I sent him 6 texts in the course of a week. 3 of them said I really needed to speak with him. He replied to the one that "I hope you had a happy thanksgiving." Anyway, I decided to call him yesterday. I did so. No answer. Therefore, I've decided I'm done...for good and forever, because it hurts my feelings to be treated like this. It's funny because I am SUPER confrontation woman. I stand up for myself and I don't take a lot of crap from people..EXCEPT HIM. He's the only one I act like that with.....annoying

[sweetkissesforu]

It could also be that this is kinda like the puppet on the string you cant move on so you will be there waiting and waiting
while hes off doing his thing no more contact if he has any interest he will call
mean time go out with your friends this is especially good when you share friends lol if sees you moved on he will call trust me

[sweetkissesforu]

It sounds a little like your obsessed move on have fun let him wait if he has interest in you
ps dont let your emotions be controlled by no man because happiness begins with you anything after is just dessert

[Glarey]

I'm not obsessed. I just am very militant about closure. I'm not a fan of open ended things. And just being like..**** IT..doesn't seem like closure to me. However, it has been presented that way. So...it is what it is.

[Gratedwasabi]

I'm not obsessed. I just am very militant about closure. I'm not a fan of open ended things. And just being like..**** IT..doesn't seem like closure to me. However, it has been presented that way. So...it is what it is.

A little input on serious relationships.. very rarely is there clearcut closure. If you both care for each other and have a history, usually it snowballs into a mess and both parties wonder what happened and how they could fix it, etc etc.

He's ignoring you for a reason. Maybe he's been hanging out with a girl? Maybe he has a feeling you want to have a serious talk? Who knows? It doesn't really matter. Him ignoring you is his answer to the talk; move on.