I'm so confused and really not coping

[SelflessnHumble]

Well, you are the nice guy, and nice guys get hurt, and usually lose.
You are missing the point about what she chose to do: she has already abandoned the relationship.
She chose to do that based on the reality that her dog is dying...I feel her pain, and I understand it.

The fact you are thinking that ending a relationship she initially ended (and continues to act as though it were) tells me the truth.
You defending her position is just you negotiating with the fact you can't "dump her" while she is hurt...What in the heck do you think is going to happen
ONCE the dog is actually dead? It gets worse, not better. It's not giving up on the relationship...She did that all by herself.

What you would be doing is realizing that fact so you can move on from what she is unwilling to give you: it doesn't mean you dump
her, drop her on the floor, and then taking a huge dump...You would still be there for her, you'd just be saving gas!

[AMansView]

Oh man, you got to cut out fo real. She also sounds high maintenance. No man should go through such a thing.
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[SelflessnHumble]

Oh man, you got to cut out fo real. She also sounds high maintenance. No man should go through such a thing.
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lolwut? Did you even read the OP?

[Horseyguy]

How did i not even see this???

You are right, now I think it through.

Back in the start of January I was at her house and she ended up really shitty at me picking up on something I said, which I didn't think was that big an issue but she obviously did and asked me to leave.

So I did, she called me later and apologised saying she was just being a bitch because she was upset and stressed but THAT'S when she dumped me.

Since then she has been constantly telling me it's over, I just haven't listened.

Pushing me away .... It's over

Cutting back the contact and not instigating contact .... It's over

Pushing back on me going to see her ... It's over

Doesn't want me sleeping with her ... It's over

I've just put this all down to her not coping with the illness of her dog and work but now I think about it it's blindingly obvious

She's ended the realtionship but doesn't want to let me go, and that's why I'm feeling the way I am. (it's the mixed messages she's sending)

I know it's ended and I'm grieving that, but then she is pulling me back to her (like making me a birthday dinner and wanting to be together on Valentines) and still calling me and saying she wants us to be together etc

But the realtionship I was in with her is gone ... I so see that

Well that makes it a little easier to deal with.

Now I can just concentrate on dealing with being dumped , dealing with the relationship ending and moving on.

No point trying to fix something that's no longer there, she's not in it, so how can I fix it.

If she really wants us to be together it will be in a new relationship not this one, and I need to deal with this one ending first before I can even get my head around getting into another one with her

Thanks, your post really helped

[Darkest Heaven]

How did i not even see this???

You are right, now I think it through.

Back in the start of January I was at her house and she ended up really shitty at me picking up on something I said, which I didn't think was that big an issue but she obviously did and asked me to leave.

So I did, she called me later and apologised saying she was just being a bitch because she was upset and stressed but THAT'S when she dumped me.

Since then she has been constantly telling me it's over, I just haven't listened.

Pushing me away .... It's over

Cutting back the contact and not instigating contact .... It's over

Pushing back on me going to see her ... It's over

Doesn't want me sleeping with her ... It's over

I've just put this all down to her not coping with the illness of her dog and work but now I think about it it's blindingly obvious

She's ended the realtionship but doesn't want to let me go, and that's why I'm feeling the way I am. (it's the mixed messages she's sending)

I know it's ended and I'm grieving that, but then she is pulling me back to her (like making me a birthday dinner and wanting to be together on Valentines) and still calling me and saying she wants us to be together etc

But the realtionship I was in with her is gone ... I so see that

Well that makes it a little easier to deal with.

Now I can just concentrate on dealing with being dumped , dealing with the relationship ending and moving on.

No point trying to fix something that's no longer there, she's not in it, so how can I fix it.

If she really wants us to be together it will be in a new relationship not this one, and I need to deal with this one ending first before I can even get my head around getting into another one with her

Thanks, your post really helped

Your post just helped ME realize something about my ex, basically what it says. Wow. Mixed messages are the worst thing ever.

[Horseyguy]

Well what a birthday

Finally did what I should have done ages ago and pulled the pin on it tonight.

Can't say I have ever been in a situation of so many mixed messages in one night.

So obvious she didn't want me to be there, cooked me a lovely meal and put in a huge effort, was too tired to talk to me, a lovely birthday card talking of better times ahead and my feelings are now not even as important as her ex husbands that she divorced 4 year ago.

Hows that for a headf*ck

So start at the begining. Had a big chat last night and she said she really wanted to be in the relationship and for it to work.

I originally said I'd take a rain check on tonight but she kept asking me to go tonight for dinner, said she wanted me to stay over and even sent me a text first thing this morning asking if I could go, so I went.

Get there and get a peck on the cheek, other than a good night kiss later that was the only affection she showed me all night.

Had a lovely dinner but she kept complaining about how tired she was so we sort of struggled for conversation

I bought her some flowers the other day and couldn't see them, so I asked her where they were. She had put them in the spare room because her ex husband had to come in to take the dog to the vets and she was worried he would knock them over?? WTF how stupid does she think I am. So rather than him being upset about the fact someone she has been with for 14 Months buys her flowers I have to deal with that fact the flowers I bought her have been stuffed in the spare room to spare his feelings!!! What about my feelings???

So anyway, finish dinner so she wants to put the tele on, saves having a conversation I suppose. She's sitting in the chair, body language is so defensive, legs crossed pointing away from me.

At 9 Oclock she says she has to go to bed cos she's really tired, is it ok if I sleep downstairs in the lounge on the pull out bed

So she helps me make the fold out bed, leans over to give me a kiss, just a peck on the cheek again as a good night kiss and a hug, she can sense I'm looking for more and says don't be angry at me I'm really tired and then goes off to bed

It's 9.15. I'm wide awake, wondering why I'm even there.

In the end I can't take it any more, I'm lying there, on my birthday, woman I love is upstairs in her bed and doesn't want me there.

Time to go.

So I went upstairs and just said sorry I'm going home and left.

I'm going no contact now, shutting off the phone until I get to work on Monday and try and work through not contacting her after that

Booked an appointment with a counsellor for Tuesday morning so will take it from there

Happy farken birthday

[DarkHelmet82]

she cant have the cake and eat it too as they say.

[Horseyguy]

That's exactly what she wants though.

She's just dragging me down now, she's not lifting me anymore, just feel awkward around her, what's the point?

I've tried so hard to make this work but she's in a hole she can't get herself out of and I can't help her out of it, only she can do that

I'm going to focus on me now, that I can do

[DarkHelmet82]

yeah you cant let her, if you do you know she has you.... similar situation with me.. she was like "i want to be friends, maybe we can get some drinks, give me a call if you want to talk." and then she asks for a hug....WTF... i didnt date you to be friends with you... not to be an asshole... friendship develops sure but once its over sorry.

[Horseyguy]

Yeah I couldn't do the lets be friends thing that would suck.

I'd just resent her too much. That just stinks of I don't want to be with you but if it's just every once in a while and you buy me dinner then that's ok

[SelflessnHumble]

yeah you cant let her, if you do you know she has you.... similar situation with me.. she was like "i want to be friends, maybe we can get some drinks, give me a call if you want to talk." and then she asks for a hug....WTF... i didnt date you to be friends with you... not to be an asshole... friendship develops sure but once its over sorry.

Then you know what you must do then, right?

[SelflessnHumble]

Your post just helped ME realize something about my ex, basically what it says. Wow. Mixed messages are the worst thing ever.

Hey bro, I'm very glad you see what is actually happening and decided (to do the smart thing) and end it.
She told you point blank and with subtle hints how she feels. Time to put this baby to bed and concentrate on YOU...

[Horseyguy]

Well that's the thing she never did tell me point blank but that's ok because I never told her point blank last night that it was over either

So I guess she will figure it out like I had too

[SelflessnHumble]

Well that's the thing she never did tell me point blank but that's ok because I never told her point blank last night that it was over either

So I guess she will figure it out like I had too

Dude, no offense, but after reading post #21 all I could think was: "Damn, I'm psychic!"
I know that truth is self evident, so you must walk the path that I'd walked a billion times until I got it right...
She doesn't have to tell you it's over: her actions DO all the talking for her...You don't take social cues well, and she
likes having someone wanting her...Win for her. Then, she (as foretold) shitted on your Bday and you wasted all that gas money for nothing.

Well, almost for nothing.
For some reason: her ex husband is in the picture and she had to stash the flower you got her like some 3rd rate bag of oranges Pedro sells on the corner...
So now, it seems to me: her ex husband is the one comforting her, not you! Wait until V-day...She will burn you just like on your B-day.

What you did though, is what a coward does dude.
You think that just because she can't tell you that it's over: you must also be just as wrong to do the same? Bad move: she will beat you with years of experience...

Why can't you just man up: look her in the face and tell her what I had asked you to?
You can't call yourself a man when you can't even face this girl to tell her the truth?

[Darkest Heaven]

I'll never understand how somebody can act like they are all in it sometimes, then turn around and act the exact opposite. There is more to it with everybody than that, but the whole "part of me this part of me that" bullshit is over and done with.

With the majority of my ex's we had our shit, but we were both in it 100% and commuted to fixing that shit. With my last one, her favorite word was "try". No more try. Time to do. She didn't like that attitude. **** her. Idiotic cunt.