I'm so confused and really not coping

[Horseyguy]

Hi everyone, my first post here so please be gentle.

I've got myself into one hell of a state over my relationship. I can't think of anything else at the moment, day and night and it's really starting to do my head in. Don't know whether to end it, give her space, just suck it up, just totally lost to be honest.

I've been seeing this girl for 14 Months, love her to bits but she can be hard work and is very self focussed.

The relationship was going good until just after Christmas when her dog got sick, it was diagnosed with an advanced cancer and the prognosis wasn't good. Maybe 6 - 12 months tops, so she was obviously distraught. Since then that's all she can focus on, obsessively, to the point of staying awake just watching her breathing or not wanting me to stay over anymore because she wants the dog to sleep on the bed.

It all came to a bit of a head last Saturday when we started talking about the relationship, she recognised she was pushing me away, so I asked her if she wanted to be with me because if she did, that's all that really matters. And she couldn't answer that, said she didn't know. Said she needed a few weeks to deal with her issues and she was worried that she may not feel the same way at that point. So I said well I don't think it's fair to expect me to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't know if they want to be in a realtionship with me, if you don't know, you should let me go until you can decide what it is you do want because it will be soul destroying having to wait weeks, maybe Months for you to tell me if you want to be with me or not.

So she ended it, said she would do the noble thing and let me go, so I left at that point and headed home.

About half hour later she calls me, regretting what had happened, she asked if we could talk again the following day.

Following day comes and she calls, said she didn't want us to break up, did value me and wanted to be with me and asked if we could just forget what happened on the Saturday night.

Since then we have talked a lot more and we are catching up tomorrow (my birthday) and Monday (Valentines)

But one of the things that's really troubling me is when she said she basically didn't want me stopping over anymore. Her reasoning is that she is having trouble sleeping because of the dog and being over-tired because of work etc (which I can sort of understand) but it's left me with a whole flood of negative emotions which as I said are starting to really do my head in.

To go from being together for 7 days every other week to that being cut back in Sept to 4-5 days every other week , to now effectively being zero days every other week has left me feeling really upset.

I constantly feel like we have broken up, that I have been dumped and I am grieving the loss of the relationship and what we had, even though we are still together. It's nuts I know but I just can't shake it.

I'm feeling rejected, depressed, lonely, confused etc just as if we had split up. I just can't deal with it. I love her so much and want to be with her but I really feel I'd be better just ending it and dealing with the loss than to be in this constant cycle of grieving.

I feel I've just been popped onto the back burner whilst she deals with the issues she has (Dog / work / drinking) and I can just see this going on for weeks / months even and I have no clear vision as to when she will be through this and can just see us slowly and painfully drifting apart.

I'm already starting to resent her because the whole relationship now seems structured around her needs, I'm bending all over the place to accomodate her but she is giving me nothing.

It's my birthday tomorrow, I am catching up with her for a dinner at her place. I need to leave at 9.30pm to get home again because I need to get up early for work the next day (I live 1 1/2 hours away) and then have to travel back to the city the following morning for work because she hasn't invited me to stop over. I even said to her that I could come to dinner but would need to leave around 9.30pm to get home and she didn't even at that point suggest I should stay, she just doesn't want me to stay. What sort of relationship is this???

I'm feeling like ending it or going no contact with her for a while.

Actually to be honest I really don't know what to do

I'm sorry for this long rant.

Really needed to get it out and hopefully get some feedback from you

[ktm390]

holy shit that was a long post. yeah sounds like she doesnt know what she wants and is dragging you down with her. using her dog as an excuse. if she doesnt even want you staying over on your birthday then i would just leave her alone for a while. i know it sucks but its better than the emotional roller coaster you are on.... no?

[Darkest Heaven]

Read my latest threads, man. I got ping ponged between "I love you" and "I don't know" for a year. Don't let it happen to you. Let it go. It's impossibly hard, but if you don't, you're going to get your heart stepped on over and over until she wakes up one fine morning and decides she really doesn't want it for reasons she may not even be able to explain.

[Horseyguy]

Sorry for the really long post, didn't realise how long it was until I posted it.

I think I'll take a rain check on the birthday dinner tomorrow, really feel I'm in the wrong place to be pretending everything is ok and same with Valentines day.

We were suppose to have a phone hook up later so I'll talk to her then. I'd rather do it face to face but that would either mean doing it tomorrow after she has organised a birthday dinner for me or on Valentines day. And if I leave it until after Valentines I'll feel terrible for going through the birthday dinner and valentines pretending everything is ok, when it's so not

[DarkHelmet82]

Read my latest threads, man. I got ping ponged between "I love you" and "I don't know" for a year. Don't let it happen to you. Let it go. It's impossibly hard, but if you don't, you're going to get your heart stepped on over and over until she wakes up one fine morning and decides she really doesn't want it for reasons she may not even be able to explain.

dude that is my situation EXACTLY

My advice to you though is dont be so available.. or talk to her. Make her miss you.

[Horseyguy]

dude that is my situation EXACTLY

My advice to you though is dont be so available.. or talk to her. Make her miss you.

Had a real good and long talk to her last night.

Said we should take a break for a couple of months at least.

Told her that would give me time to deal with my feelings about the relationship and being pushed away and will give her time to deal with what's going on with her dog and work. I said we should have a clean break, no contact, just deal with what we have too and then see how we feel in a couple of Months. I'm not going to be seeing anyone else and as far as I'm concerned we are still together unless she tells me otherwise because part of the problem is she doesn't want to end the relationship so knowing it hasn't ended but we are talking time out should take the pressure off her.

She wan't sure what to do, a big part of her wants to just work on fixing the relationship but she also can see the need for space, so I told her to think on it and let me know after we catch up on Valentines.

I'm seeing her tonight so maybe we will talk some more about it then.

[SelflessnHumble]

I've been here before dude. Please consider what I say: because you are hurting yourself, and it's become quite unhealthy.

-You need to realize who you are. You need to find out if you've her to become your entire focal point, basing everything on the status of your relationship: because this is wrong.
-In a relationship it is 100% each person, not 50 / 50. Since this isn't happening on one hand I can understand what she is feeling, but what YOU need to realize is:

SHE has changed, and she has allowed her dog's condition to augment her perception...You would be a selfish ass to not respect her wishes (originally) which was to
end it: because she honestly did not know what to do: but she did KNOW enough to shut you out of her life...She is supposed to lean on you as a confidant and find solace in your support, not push it away...

Since she has chosen to do this: even though her bullshit lip service says otherwise; You need to accept what happened, and what is happening...It doesn't mean you have to allow it to dictate your life!

Obviously she has used this situation as a crutch for seeing how everyone should cater to her.
You go to her house, YOU make the effort (on your own freaking birthday) and didn't even consider how after driving all of this traffic: you would feel tired, and didn't offer you to stay. Pa-the-tic.

What you need to do:
Sit her down (today and not on your Bday) and tell her:
You love her, support her and care about her.
You understand that her dog's health has changed and in turn she has changed as a result.
What you do NOT understand is how she shuts you out: refuses to validate your concerns, thoughts and feelings on the matter.
What you do not understand is how she hasn't physically made an effort to reconnect with you, and while her dog's health IS important to you:
Shutting you out of contact with one another: isn't what you signed up for...

Then wish her well, and tell her thank you for the Bday offer to spend dinner here, but since she didn't even take into consideration that the drive alone
would be so tiresome, she never thought of you and offered you to stay. Then tell her you don't want to argue but since she chooses to handle her grief
and sadness in such a way that isolates YOU from your relationship with one another: just say you cannot do this anymore...It's not fair to you, nor her.

Then say goodbye, and mean it.
No matter her crocodile tears, walk away and repeat you cannot handle this instability and lack of commitment you want in a relationship.

Sure it's going to be a bit uneasy: BUT you deserve better than this bullshit.

[SelflessnHumble]

dude that is my situation EXACTLY

My advice to you though is dont be so available.. or talk to her. Make her miss you.

An ill thought out plan that can backfire. I wouldn't do it.

[DarkHelmet82]

it can backfire.. but what other choice is there? Be weak and desperate? Its almost like a lose lose situation.

[SelflessnHumble]

it can backfire.. but what other choice is there? Be weak and desperate? Its almost like a lose lose situation.

So you (think) that the only options are to either make her miss you OR
be weak and desperate? lol

[DarkHelmet82]

no what i mean is.. you can contact her which WILL make you look desperate or not contact her right away which will make you look stronger... I dont know dude.. I am on here for the same reasons everyone else is.
Im confused and dont have any better answeres than the next dude. I never said i knew what i was talking about... just giving my opinion.

[SelflessnHumble]

no what i mean is.. you can contact her which WILL make you look desperate or not contact her right away which will make you look stronger... I dont know dude.. I am on here for the same reasons everyone else is.
Im confused and dont have any better answeres than the next dude. I never said i knew what i was talking about... just giving my opinion.

Nothing wrong with giving your opinion, but I was just trying to allude to the fact there are much better options here, but the fact is: most people are unwilling to do the right thing.

Did you make a thread asking for advice? If not, please do so, I'd like to help you out if you have an open mind It sucks to be sad, but if I can help you see
another perspective that you may not have considered I'd be glad to do it. I think we're all in this together man...So since I've been every kind of character out there and have
been with the most ruthless and psychotic women in the world, I think I can help.

[DarkHelmet82]

yes i did... i think its titled depressed, confused, i dont know what to do. thanks

[SelflessnHumble]

yes i did... i think its titled depressed, confused, i dont know what to do. thanks

I wrote you a reply man...I'm sorry to hear but the problem with damaged people is that you make their
problem: your problem(s) At times it will be cool, you'll get along and be somewhat happy...But the fact you already know she
is off and damaged precludes you from getting upset about the situation because you've become a willing participant.

[Horseyguy]

I've been here before dude. Please consider what I say: because you are hurting yourself, and it's become quite unhealthy.

-You need to realize who you are. You need to find out if you've her to become your entire focal point, basing everything on the status of your relationship: because this is wrong.

No she hasn't and that's why I'm trying to address this. I have plenty of other things going on with my life that don't directly involve her and although I'm troubled about the state of the relationship it's certainly not taking over my every thought

-In a relationship it is 100% each person, not 50 / 50. Since this isn't happening on one hand I can understand what she is feeling, but what YOU need to realize is:

SHE has changed, and she has allowed her dog's condition to augment her perception...You would be a selfish ass to not respect her wishes (originally) which was to
end it: because she honestly did not know what to do: but she did KNOW enough to shut you out of her life...She is supposed to lean on you as a confidant and find solace in your support, not push it away...

Well I did respect her wishes, when she ended it I said I was ok with that, gave her back the key to her house and left, I didn't do anything to try and change her mind, it was her that called me 1/2 hr later regretting the decision and it was her that called the following day to say she had made a mistake so can we just ignore the whole breaking up conversation from a couple of days ago. And I also had that exact conversation with her about leaning on your partner in times of trouble not pushing them away

Since she has chosen to do this: even though her bullshit lip service says otherwise; You need to accept what happened, and what is happening...It doesn't mean you have to allow it to dictate your life!

Well I have accepted it, acknowledged where it is, just not sure what to do with it that's all. I do think she genuinely wants to be in a realtionship but is just going through a bad place at the moment and is confused and is handling it badly. If the realtionship had been crap or even ok prior to this I'd probably have just ended it myself but it was actually really good, fantastic even, so I'm a bit remiss to just go and chuck it away because she's in a bad place right now

Obviously she has used this situation as a crutch for seeing how everyone should cater to her.
You go to her house, YOU make the effort (on your own freaking birthday) and didn't even consider how after driving all of this traffic: you would feel tired, and didn't offer you to stay. Pa-the-tic.

yeah I spoke to her about that last night, said I'd take a rain check on the birthday dinner because of all the driving, I was just too tired. She said she wanted me to stay over. She said she hadn't picked up on the fact I was going home, just assumed I would be staying.

What you need to do:
Sit her down (today and not on your Bday) and tell her:
You love her, support her and care about her.

Did that last nght

You understand that her dog's health has changed and in turn she has changed as a result.

Did that

What you do NOT understand is how she shuts you out: refuses to validate your concerns, thoughts and feelings on the matter.

Did that

What you do not understand is how she hasn't physically made an effort to reconnect with you, and while her dog's health IS important to you:
Shutting you out of contact with one another: isn't what you signed up for...

Did that

Then wish her well, and tell her thank you for the Bday offer to spend dinner here, but since she didn't even take into consideration that the drive alone
would be so tiresome, she never thought of you and offered you to stay. Then tell her you don't want to argue but since she chooses to handle her grief
and sadness in such a way that isolates YOU from your relationship with one another: just say you cannot do this anymore...It's not fair to you, nor her.

yep, pretty much did that

Then say goodbye, and mean it.
No matter her crocodile tears, walk away and repeat you cannot handle this instability and lack of commitment you want in a relationship.

Well I didn't do that lol. I took Darkhelmets advice and decided to back off. I think she needs to work through her issues without pressure from me. If she still wants to be in a relationship down the track and can fully commit and I'm available I'll re-look at it at that stage.

In the meantime I'll I thing I should just concentrate on me for a while and not worry about having to try fix up this relationship

Sure it's going to be a bit uneasy: BUT you deserve better than this bullshit.

I just have a problem dumping a relationship which was so good and has only gone South since her dog was diagnosed with cancer and will be dead in a few Months. She's obviously going through a hard time and is struggling to deal with things including the relationship but I think it says a lot about me if I just bail on her because things are not going the way I would like them too.

I don't want to give up on either her or the relationship at this point because I do have faith and hope that this can be sorted out in the longer term.

Problem I have right now is I don't know how to really handle it and in turn that means I'm really not coping with it all that well.

I certainly do not blame her for what's going on, yes she's making the choices she is making and she has been pushing me away but I don't think she is intentionally doing it to hurt me