Take a chance?

[Zelda52]

Hi guys. I'm in a bit of a dilemma and I'm hoping that people can throw a little light on it for me.

I'm 25 and I've been in a relationship for 5 years. To be fair, my relationship has withstood a lot of challenges - long distance while I was at university and him cheating on me. However, despite this, I've always known something isn't right. We're very, very different people - not just in terms of interests and hobbie etc (Although we're massively different in this capacity, too) but in terms of what we want from life. He's happy to plod along in life, never go anywhere and never experience anything new. Me, on the other hand, I've always been inquisitive and curious - I want to get as much from life as possible. The plan was that after I finished uni, we'd travel together. So, I moved home to be with him and to save, but 20 months down the line the plan hasn't materialised. During this time since graduation, I became very down - I couldn't get a good job because the area I live in is economically deprived, I don't have any friends in the area and I was generally very unhappy for these reasons. I explained this to him and told him for the sake of my own mental wellbeing, I needed to go somewhere and do something. But his response was either that he couldn't because he didn't have money or, he'd say 'ok, we'll move somewhere' but he got in a huge strop about it. Somewhere during this time, I realised that by staying with him, I was effectively giving up everything I'd ever wanted to do. Still, I couldn't find the strength to make the break because I'd become so secure with him and probably because my self-esteem was so low, too. I kind of lost my desire to travel/experience new things and got stuck in a rut. Desperately unhappy but too low to do anything about it.

Things took a turn for the positive around eight months ago, though. I took up some new hobbies, lost weight, made some friends and I'm due to begin my teacher training in September - I'll be leaving my local area in September to live in the city close to the university. With these positive additions to my life, my self-esteem has grown and my desire to experience new things has returned. Travel isn't an option between now and September due to lack of money - I need to save for my rent/living expenses during the course etc - but I've been lucky enough to have been offered a job in a beautiful part of the country, on the coast, 5 hours from my home. It pays relatively well and my living expenses are covered.

I'm at a real crossroads now - do I go or do I take the safe option? Safe option being stay here until September working in a mindnumbing office job, to keep my boyfriend happy? People have suggested that I go and suggest to my boyfriend that we just do long distance again but in my mind, this isn't an option. It's now or never - if I don't make the break now, I never will. But that's the dilemma - am I doing the right thing? yes, sure, we want different things but is that grounds for break up? What if I break up with him, go away, absolutely hate it and realise that I've done the wrong thing but it's too late? At the same time though, if I don't take the chance, I'm going to end up looking back on my life and realising that I never accomplished anything I wanted to.

Please help!

[pisces25]

yes, sure, we want different things but is that grounds for break up? Absolutely.

What if I break up with him, go away, absolutely hate it and realise that I've done the wrong thing but it's too late? Too late for what? Your life will still go on, just in different ways. Besides, if he really is the love of your life and you want to be together you will, whether that be now or down the track.

Honestly speaking from the tone of your email you have already made the decision but just want some reassurance it is the right one. Unfortunately making a decision isn't a case of what is right or what is wrong. It is what it is, a choice. Imagine your life as a parallel universe, on one spectrum you stay put, stay with your man, stay in the rut and then picture the other spectrum where you are off meeting new people, doing your own thing, discovering new things, travelling, meeting like-minded people etc. See which one is most appealing to you. A relationship should be compromise and both partners should be supportive of their partner's goals and ambitions and be willing to grow together. But you must be heading in the same direction for this. If not then one person sacrifices for the other which ultimately leads to a very unhappy and unfulfiling relationship.

[Boisdevie]

He is not THE ONE for you.

[devonbrown]

The two of you are on different paths and have different ideas about what you want from life. In every serious relationship there comes a point where you either go forward or fall apart. Any attempt to circumvent that point normally winds up with some bad feelings.

That point in your relationship was a couple of years ago when you finished school and returned home. Your relationship has been surviving on fumes and memories ever since. He is not as much "safe" as you put it as "comfortable." Like a beat up pair of old slippers. But you can only wear them in the house. And you want to be out.

You have been able to pull yourself out of the depression and put together a plan for yourself going forward. Don't waste any more time with wondering what if... Be strong. Take hold of your life and cut the anchor. Set sail!

Good luck.

[Zelda52]

Thank you for your input guys. Everything you're saying is totally right.

There's a part of me that is terrified, though, that he may be the 'love of my life'; and by breaking up with him and then realising I've done the wrong thing, I may be effectively signing myself up to a lifetime of misery and pining. I mean, if he is the one for me, then surely I'd never be able to achieve full happiness in life because I wouldn't have him with me?

But then again, he can't be the love of my life because love is supposed to be fulfilling and enriching isn't it. And giving up everything you've ever dreamed of to settle down and play house in some small, backwater town is hardly enriching.

Sorry for complaining and rambling, I'm just finding the situation incredibly hard!

[Boisdevie]

He quite obviously isn't the love of your life is he. You want differerent things and in the past he cheated on you. That's not a recipe for a good relationship is it? I think you know the answer

[girl68]

Love isn't enough. It really isn't so if that's what you're staying for I suggest you leave.

[devonbrown]

You know your answer. Now you have to figure out how to stop trying convince yourself you might be wrong. Don't settle! Ever. Humans have a capacity for being able to justify almost anything. Don't do that to yourself.

Good luck.