Is it time to call it a day after 2 1/2 years?

[Kooky]

Hi all, this is my first time posting on this & all opinions welcomed and most appreciated :)

I have been with my boyfriend since July 2010. At the beginning things were great and most of the time, they still are great. We get on well and when it's going well, it's the best. I'm 25 and have a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship, so as a working single mum times are tough for me, whereas he's 33 and lives much more comfortably. Recently our fights seem to circle around money and it is getting much worse as we get more serious.

As he is the one with money, it's almost always him who pays for events like gigs and meals that we have. He pays for any trips we take etc. He was always fine with this but after August this year things have changed and he has been accusing me of being "ungrateful". I appreciate everything and I try to make up for not being able to pay for things by cooking for him and helping him out, and I do buy him things and treat him to trips, though by doing so I have to severely budget myself so it's a lot for me to do so. We have had fights and he reacts by going into moods for days (or up a week) without communicating with me at all. We have argued many times that I cannot deal with things in silence, it's really painful to go around for days not knowing what's happening and I am the type of person to want a discussion rather than the silent treatment.

A month or two ago we had a silly fight which ended with him saying that I'm not cheery enough for him all the time, and that I'm a negative person. We worked things out and two weeks ago he asked me to move in with him and we began making plans as to how to redecorate his flat in order for us to live together. Yesterday we were shopping and I said that he needs to provide party food for his guests at Hogmanay or I'd have my own party instead, and he went in a major mood and told me that I was a negative person who "wore him down" and he shouldn't be spending his "hard earned cash on a miserable moaning c*nt". It became a totally blown out of proportion argument and he said he's felt like I was like this for a long time. But only a couple of days before that, he was absolutely fine with me and even that day, there was no problem. It's like his temper takes over and he launches a verbal attack dragging up months of things, to make me feel like shit. All I do is try to make him happy but I'm hardly going to be a cheery person every day. I should maybe mention that he said things similar to this after my dad died, he doesn't deal well with any emotional issues and would rather just cover it up and not mention it so it's all fine in his world and he doesn't have to deal with it, so it's easier for him.

I'm just looking to see what people think - does this sound like the end? I'm finding it difficult to accept that the end would be as a result of telling him to buy jalepeno poppers for a Hogmanay party!

Thanks for any input :) xx

[HeartIsAching]

Get rid of the whiner.

[Fruitsss]

hmm. i get the impression that he may be right in certain things about u but u are just acting innocent.
and r not owning your faults. so a story have 2 sides. this is only yours.

things are bad and what do u do? say yes to live with him? are u stupid? do u even care u that u have a kid that have
all priority?

its logical that things r the same, cause if u dont change and he dont change shore the problem will stay.

u sound like a spoiled brad to me to. if u want to be all of that u need to make your own money and be Independence.
if u are a gold digger or lean on men for money this is what u get.

u aint his wife so he is not obligated to spent any money on u etc.
so i cant say much about this. its his money.

[basilandthyme]

Even if none of the other things had happened, I'd drop a guy like a hot potato if he *ever* called me the C word. Totally unacceptable.

[Wakeup]

he doesn't deal well with any emotional issues and would rather just cover it up and not mention it so it's all fine in his world and he doesn't have to deal with it, so it's easier for him.

This is the man you are in a relationship with. Do you think you can last a lifetime with him the way he is? If you can't then get out now because you cannot control how he processes things.

Yesterday we were shopping and I said that he needs to provide party food for his guests at Hogmanay or I'd have my own party instead,

Are you always that controlling? "You either go get food or I'll have my own party" Where's the team player in that statement?

Anyway.. You were looking for what people think. I think the two of you are unable to communicate effectively, I think you're a bit controlling, I think he's verbally abusive and I think you'd be a ****ing fool if you move in with him because your relationship sounds like a horrible place to be. for BOTH of you.

[nikipooh84]

Interesting thread,

Sounds to me like he's pretty much gotten tired of carrying the weight for both you and him. Anything at this point will tick him off because he's got so much to be in charge of. his household, his relationship with you, other personal issues. That can be very hard on people, especially in today's economy. I know u said that you help out too, but sometimes thats just not good enough for people. He could be a surgeon for all I know but if he doesnt feel like youve got his back he's going to forever despise you because its almost as if youre using him. Although you may not see it as that.. take a walk in his shoes..how would you feel on a day to day basis. Im no relationship expert but maybe catering to his needs becoming sensitive to him and what he wants in life may show him that you are with him 100% and that backbone that he needs.Thats if you really want it to work between you two. I believe he'll appreciate you more. But thats gonna take time. I dont believe your relationship is over tho...just stressed some...

[Kooky]

hmm. i get the impression that he may be right in certain things about u but u are just acting innocent.
and r not owning your faults. so a story have 2 sides. this is only yours.

things are bad and what do u do? say yes to live with him? are u stupid? do u even care u that u have a kid that have
all priority?

its logical that things r the same, cause if u dont change and he dont change shore the problem will stay.

u sound like a spoiled brad to me to. if u want to be all of that u need to make your own money and be Independence.
if u are a gold digger or lean on men for money this is what u get.

u aint his wife so he is not obligated to spent any money on u etc.
so i cant say much about this. its his money.

Perhaps I didn't make it clear in my original post, but I am a working mother so I make my own money, I pay my own bills. When I say he buys things, I mean that if he wants to go to a gig or for a meal, he tends to pay for this. So no, I'm not a golddigger and I couldn't care less about whether he buys me things or not. So if you count spoiled as in occasionally going for a meal using a deal voucher or attending the occasional gig, then yes I'm spoiled - though at times I can only barely afford food and my bills as all of that is my own money. Hence why we thought we'd give living together a try, to save money.

I agreed to live with him two weeks ago on a trial basis whereby I would keep my own flat - which I own - and we would see how things go given that up until now, we've worked through any issues. But being told that I can't say anything that isn't super positive because it isn't what he wants to hear in his world, that's what I have a problem with. Not being able to have a discussion without arguments because he take issue with something I say, that's what I have a problem with.

Thank you for your honest reply, but I am not like that at all.

[Kooky]

Interesting thread,

Sounds to me like he's pretty much gotten tired of carrying the weight for both you and him. Anything at this point will tick him off because he's got so much to be in charge of. his household, his relationship with you, other personal issues. That can be very hard on people, especially in today's economy. I know u said that you help out too, but sometimes thats just not good enough for people. He could be a surgeon for all I know but if he doesnt feel like youve got his back he's going to forever despise you because its almost as if youre using him. Although you may not see it as that.. take a walk in his shoes..how would you feel on a day to day basis. Im no relationship expert but maybe catering to his needs becoming sensitive to him and what he wants in life may show him that you are with him 100% and that backbone that he needs.Thats if you really want it to work between you two. I believe he'll appreciate you more. But thats gonna take time. I dont believe your relationship is over tho...just stressed some...

I don't know what personal issues he has though. I manage my own household and my child, he has himself to look after and that's it. Yeah, I've been through a lot over the past couple of years but nothing has happened to him. He is in the same job he's been in for 15 years and when I say he buys me things, we're talking occasional tickets to music gigs or meals with a deal voucher - but he's out often with his own friends too. I see what you're saying about him being paranoid that I'm using him but how do I change that? I'm not doing anything different from 2 years ago but it was all fine back in the beginning, it's only been the past couple of months that his attitude has changed when it comes to paying for things. I don't know what to do

[Kooky]

This is the man you are in a relationship with. Do you think you can last a lifetime with him the way he is? If you can't then get out now because you cannot control how he processes things.

Are you always that controlling? "You either go get food or I'll have my own party" Where's the team player in that statement?

Anyway.. You were looking for what people think. I think the two of you are unable to communicate effectively, I think you're a bit controlling, I think he's verbally abusive and I think you'd be a ****ing fool if you move in with him because your relationship sounds like a horrible place to be. for BOTH of you.

When I said about having my own party, I was actually kidding. He didn't take it that way though, and he didn't even ask for us to discuss it. I don't know how I'm controlling as I have no control over anything he does and see him maybe a couple nights during the week and maybe at the weekend - if he isn't out with his own friends. He does whatever he likes as he's used to being on his own and I have a child so I've no issue with that, & I've my own friends too.

Honestly, I don't think I can last a lifetime with him like this. I think if we were ever to live together things would be unbearable as when he has these outbursts, they can come out of nowhere and he is almost bullying in how he speaks to me. He text me today trying to see me tonight after pretty much making out like he wanted to end it on Saturday - he expects me to go back to how it was like nothing happened despite him saying these things about what a negative, horrible person I am to be around. All my friends tell me to get rid of him and try to tell me that I'm not like that - my fear is by being told it so much, I might wind up with no self esteem which is where I was 3 years ago after coming out of a previous relationship, with my daughter's father.

Thanks for your reply

[Negan]

Sorry to say it out lound and flat, but by they way you post, you do seem like a moaning cunt. Now, he may be whiny, but you aren't a saint either. 25 and already a 7 years old kid. You seem like a loud slut to me.

[Fruitsss]

girl whatever. still sounds like he pays for a lot or a lot of his cash gos to u a lot of times.

otherwise he would not say that.

and what ever it is if u dont like it break up. why waste time on someone u cant communicate with when communication is hightly needed. and im shore living together will make him spent more money on u and hear your complains 24/7.
and your cunt behavior like he called. so do u want to take the drama a step further?

[Fruitsss]

Sorry to say it out lound and flat, but by they way you post, you do seem like a moaning cunt. Now, he may be whiny, but you aren't a saint either. 25 and already a 7 years old kid. You seem like a loud slut to me.

hahhahahahhahah u r not funny, but it sounds funny......... no it dont..........

[Wakeup]

When I said about having my own party, I was actually kidding. He didn't take it that way though, and he didn't even ask for us to discuss it. I don't know how I'm controlling as I have no control over anything he does and see him maybe a couple nights during the week and maybe at the weekend - if he isn't out with his own friends. He does whatever he likes as he's used to being on his own and I have a child so I've no issue with that, & I've my own friends too.

Funny, I didn't take it that you were kidding either.. In fact you didn't even say you were kidding after you wrote that you told him to buy food or you would have your own party. Of course I wasn't there to see your facial expression or hear your voice or your tone.

Honestly, I don't think I can last a lifetime with him like this. I think if we were ever to live together things would be unbearable as when he has these outbursts, they can come out of nowhere and he is almost bullying in how he speaks to me.

Well, then you have your answer. Time to panty up and make your decision to leave then. Why waste another minute being abused by him?

He text me today trying to see me tonight after pretty much making out like he wanted to end it on Saturday - he expects me to go back to how it was like nothing happened despite him saying these things about what a negative, horrible person I am to be around.

He expect to go back to you like nothing happened because that's what you've taught him that he can do. He is disrespectful and then you just go on like nothing happened until shit hits the fan again. You can't blame him for just doing what he's always done and suffered no consequences for now can you? He's an asshole. You know that so no sense just telling you what you already know.

All my friends tell me to get rid of him and try to tell me that I'm not like that - my fear is by being told it so much, I might wind up with no self esteem which is where I was 3 years ago after coming out of a previous relationship, with my daughter's father.

Honey...STOP being afraid to leave assholes. Do it before you have this man's child. Break the cycle... your daughter DOES NOT need to grow up seeing men treat you with disrespect. She'll think that she should be fine with being disrespected in her own future relationship(s) if you don't teach her that first and foremost, she needs to respect herself to maintain that personal boundary and then she'll have to love of self to immediately leave a sonofabith who treats her with abuse the very first time it happens.

Thanks for your reply

Get out now, doll. Maybe think about getting some abused woman's support or some councelling so that you love yourself enough to leave turds the minute they show you who they are because this vvvv is just crazy and certainly not in your daughters best interests.

I agreed to live with him two weeks ago on a trial basis

You already know what he's like... two weeks? WTF is that going to accomplish. You'd be better off keeping your flat and getting a same sex flat mate to help with expenses then to move you and your innocent daughter in to watch you two go at it.. what will you be teaching her?

[Boisdevie]

Sharing a flat together because it's cheaper is a really shitty reason for living together. Sounds like you're annoying the shit out of each other so why not end it?

[Kooky]

Sorry to say it out lound and flat, but by they way you post, you do seem like a moaning cunt. Now, he may be whiny, but you aren't a saint either. 25 and already a 7 years old kid. You seem like a loud slut to me.

I've slept with two people in my life at 25 - jump to conclusions based on no information much?